Miley Cyrus WILL Definitively Turn Your Sweet Angel Little Girls Into Junior Tranny Hookers, Mr. President Elect. I Assure You

Dear President Elect Barack Obama, ***

I understand that your adorable, light of your life, cute overload dot com daughters Malia-n-Sasha have been invited to do a guest spot on Hannah Montana with Miley Cyrus.

WHOA.

Ok, hold the fucking phone right there.

I'm sure you and Michelle are way on top of this sitch, and I really don't mean to interfere, but I can't help but offer up my own take on the shituation which is: NO, no, nowayjose, a thousand times N O , n'uh uh. NO.

In case you are not convinced that this is the worst idea in the history of the universe, I offer you up the following as proof:





And *just* in case that doesn't like totally convince you, here's one more snap of another famous chick who ALSO has her own tween TV show:

This idea is worse than asking Sarah Palin to be the newly appointed Ambassador to Russia...worse than choosing a pitpubull that hasn't been fixed and likes to hump everyone as your white house pet...worse than Heidi Montag supporting you as a candidate; in other words = catastrophe of epic proportions.

Fuck the first 100 days...this shit is your real priority.

I vote "NO" on a Hannah Montana appearance.

my country tis of thee,
m.e.

If The Secret Service Ever Gave Me A Codename, I'd Want It To Be Sassafrass...Or Fandango

Dear Jew Scum Media "Gotcha" Journalists, ***

While I enjoyed the hell out of learning that the Obama family has the coolest code names in the double secret CIA history of the universe (Barack Obama = Renegade; Michelle Obama = Renaissance; Malia Obama = Radiance; Sasha Obama = Rosebud), doesn't this, uhm, DEFEAT THE WHOLE FUCKING PURPOSE OF PROTECTING THEM??

Hai, Mr. crazy, psychopath terrorist!

In case you are looking to maime/hurt/spit on/scream expletives at any members of the first family, just print out this little crib sheet and follow around any ole Secret Service agent to pin down their location. It's like your very own GPS!

Please tell me these names were released because they now get NEW names?

WTF?,
m.e.

Down Is Up, Up Is Down, And For One Shining Moment Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Act Like A Whiny Fucking Bitch

Dear Everyone, ***

As if the fact that we elected a smart, BLACK, anti-war, elite, Jew scum loving President isn't evidence enough, I'm here to tell you that the whole fuckin world has been turned upside down.

Shit be C-R-A-Z-Y, yo!

I submit the following as direct evidence of the afore mentioned:

1. Steve Guttenberg went jogging naked in Central Park - Ok, maybe this *is* a prank, but even still! And also, I kinda think that this is for reals. Like "the Goot" just got sick and tired of having to adhere to societal standards of wearing shorts on his runs. The wedgies and chafing was just too damn much for him, and he reached his breaking point with this pantsless jog which was, thankfully, caught on tape. He was like that dude on Network or Michael Douglas in that Falling Down movie where he just abandons his car in the middle of rush hour traffic one night. NO SHORTS, world! I jog commando!

2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck spoke...and I didn't want to punch her in her motherfucking face - I'm a big girl, and so I can give props when props R due: Elizabitch, you really did give a lovely concession speech yesterday. And, also I was very touched by the fact that she didn't get her daughter Grace all snaggled up in her web of Republican bullshit when she had a prime opp to do so. I've never seen her act like a non-annoying, non-whiny normal human being before, so it was quite a sight to behold (AND further proof, of course, that the world has gone batshit crazy).

3. I received a "tweet" from my new President - Say what you will about everyone embracing technology, grandmas texting, blah, blah, blah. It's still pretty fucking cool that our new Prez "solid as" Barack Obama had a campaign strategy that included communicating with his supporters via: phone, text, email, Twitter, Facebook, and the regular ole dub dub dub. That's never happened before. Then yesterday, I received the above message on Twitter. I mean, come on! I don't care if the dude had no fucking clue it was happening...and never was like "Srsly, people! We MUST get a tweet out on Twitter NOOOOOW." His ass was smart enough to hire someone on his team who did...and does.

4. Some moron changed his name from Garratt to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined - Yes, I am serious. And no, there are no words.

5. Spaghetti Cat was on Desperate Housewives! - Right, like Edie hangs out on youtube. I mean, I guess some could argue that this isn't exactly batshit crazy, but I'm more amazed by the notion that fucking Spaghetti Cat is now a superstar international celebrity playboy.

And finally, as the ultimate evidence that things are insane in the membrane CRAZY: Michelle Obama, our new first lady and my SYTYCD partner-in-crime, chose to wear THIS dress to her husband's victory speech...in front of the whole fucking world...on election night:

ZOMG.

If that shit doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

This is a new America, people...and I fucking LOVE it!

power to the people,
m.e.

Dear America, *** YES WE CAN! Jus Sayin, Me (We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming)

JUST FUCKING VOTE!!!!

Dear Everyone, ***

This is a really, really, really important day. Like R-E-A-L-L-Y fucking important.

This day is gonna be epic. It's gonna be legendary.

It's gonna be talked about for years and years to come.

Can you hang?

Are you down? Are you gonna step up to the plate?

Or R you gonna sit on the sidelines like some monkey fucker douchetard?

Cause here's the thing: if you don't vote, you can't be a part of it all...you've got no stake...and quite simply: you suck.

It really IS just that cut and dry.

You've got to haul your ass out to the polls today. You have GOTS to vote. You've GOTTA DO IT. No if, ands, or buts motherfuckers.

Here's why:

1. BITCHING - If you don't vote, you can't complain and/or whine like a little fucking bitch. You really wanna give up that privilege?
2. PUSSY - If you vote, you will get laid. Srsly....I'm not kidding. Your ass is gonna be on line for hours...you could pick up some serious fly honey action if you bring your A game. Get some numbers. Work it...its gonna be a target rich environment.
3. HOOKY - Do you like going to work? Didn't fucking think so. If there just "happens" to be "reallllly long lines" at the poll, and your ass shows up late, oh wells!
4. STICKERS - Who wants an "I voted" sticker!? [raises hand].

Also, we live in a democracy, yo. And like it or not, this shit is important.

AND, if we have any hope of getting Barack Obama elected...turning this country around...and getting our asses back on the yellow brick road, it's even more important than ever.

YOU.

MUST.

BARACK.

THE.

VOTE.

Some tips:

*If you live in New York state and are unsure where you need to go to vote, look yourself up here on the Board of Elections site. I'm voting early tomorrow morn at P.S. 321 in Park Slope, Brooklyn. See you there, motherfuckers!

*If you live in any other part of the country, check out Google's handy dandy polling map which will fill you in on who, what, where and when (today, bias!) you can go to Rock the vote.

*While you are Baracking, you should video your election day experience and post it on Video Your Vote's youtube page.

*The NY Times is asking you to post pics of yourself at your polling place and take part in "the largest online archive of election photographs taken by citizens across the U.S."

*NY Mag is looking for personal photos and/or self portraits documenting your election day experiences. Send pics with caption info by 4pm tomorrow to: election@nymag.com.

*Do you Twitter? (I do). If so, "tweet" your election day experience with the #votereport hashtag so that others can follow.

*Leave a comment here, yo! Tell me about what went down...the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanna hear allll the juicy lowdown.

*After you vote, there are loads of fab places you could go hang out on election night to watch the results. I'll probs be too damn nervous to go to any of em.

So, in summary: VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

kthxbye,
me.

Me-N-CNN, TLF? Everything Is Very Up In The Air Right Now, Unfortch

Dear CNN,***

I'm a fucking wreck.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm gonna have a goddammed heart attack. Like, I *literally* feel the muscles around my heart have tightened up, and my pulse is racing for no reason whatsoever, and I'm breathing heavily-n-shit...aside from all that election dramz, I'm freaking out about you and me.

Like what's gonna happen to us on Weds? Is there even gonna be an "us" on Weds?

For months now, you and me have been going steady. Sure, you courted me with Anderson Cooper at first, but that was really just the beginning. Campbell Brown gave me her varsity sweater, and David Gergen....don't even get me started about David Gergen. In my deepest, darkest moments, its David Gergen's voice that brings me comfort and solace, dear lord our gawd.

Over the last month, espesh, you and I have been srsly hot-n-heavy. I mean, you're the first thing I think about when I wake up (hello, American Morning!) and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (what up, Larry King!). I have dreams about you (Campbell Brown and Lou Dobbs at the dentist...don't ask) and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go watch the election returns at a bar on Tues night, my first response was "what if they're not watching CNN!? We can't risk it!"

I didn't mind at all when John King (your electoral map guy) said he wasn't so good at math, and I don't even give a shit that Roland Martin always looks like he smoked a spliff in the green room before his pundit appearances (High Times, my brotha!). And "Wolf Blitzer?"... its just so much fucking fun to say: BLITZERBLITZERBLITZER.

You ARE the best political team on television, yo!

I know, (just *KNOW*) that the both of us are sitting around waiting/hoping/praying/crossing our fingers that Obama brings it on Tues, (YES WE CAN!), but what then?? I mean, sure our nation will finally be free of a Republican/Bush stranglehold, may actually get out of this financial crisis, be poised to end the war in Iraq and will be working toward getting every man, woman and child healthcare insurance, but WHAT ABOUT U-N-ME????

Am I goin straight back to Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Hills and Rock of Love: Charm School?? Do I have to give Campbell brown back her cardigan?? Will Anderson Cooper's foxy, silver coiff stop showing up on my flatscreen? Are we just done?

Are you even thinking about this stuff too???

Le sigh.

I don't know, this stuff is uncomfortable to talk about, sure, but I thought it was important to get it out on the table. I mean, if we have any hope of saving this relationship, we need to keep our communication open and honest. And we do have something to fight for here, right?.

Also, uhm...

There is something else we need to talk about. I feel awkward about bringing this up on my blog, but I wasn't sure until this weekend and didn't want to worry you, but....I'm pregnant. And its yours, CNN.

Oopsie!

Call,
m.e.

I'm Voting For Obama (Obvs); How The Fuck Could Anyone *Not*??

Dear Republicans,*?

Despite my need to inject snark into every crevice of my life ad nauseum, I generally consider myself to be a fairly open-minded, free thinking mofo.

I *am* a hardcore Dem, yes, however, if you are not and attempt to have a level headed, non yellfest convo with me about why, I would totally listen.

I know why the caged bird sings, blah, blah, blah.

Despite all this, I still have a major disconnect though: like, how on EARTH could anyone (man, woman, or child), have watched this Obama-mercial last night and still be planning to vote for John McCain?

I mean, really?? Like for really realz?

*Do you have an empty space in the cavity in your chest where your beating heart should be?
*Are you high?
*Do you have a trust fund and just not really give a shit about anything else?

If the answers to any of the above questions are yes, then I t-o-t-a-l-l-y get it. No need for explanation.

If not, I'm sorry...I'm just very fucking confused.

Having said that, I want any of you red mofos who might be furiously composing your comment response to me right now to just relax. Save it for the Fox News boards or the Sean Hannity blog. Cause right now, this shit so isn't even about you.

It's about hope, and change, and inspiration...and getting our country back on track after 8 years of the largest, organized full-scale shit show we've ever been witness to. And, honestly, I simply cannot handle any more narrow minded lameness...or bullshit talk about terrorist bff connections...or insinuations that I'm not a *real* fucking American cause I've never gone cow tipping or stolen my dad's tractor.

Cause I'm really starting to believe that this IS gonna go down. Like that we're all gonna be sayin: "President Obama" this and "President Obama" that on Wednesday. And that makes me so fucking happy I'm literally tearing up jus thinking about it.

I'm so insanely, totally, and completely excited to wake up early next Tuesday and cast my vote for Barack Obama. I'm so incredibly fucking lucky to live in a country where I get to do this (and the motherfucker actually counts!), and grateful to be part of such an historic event. And I'm so busting at the seams hopeful that this is all gonna be the beginning of something much much bigger than we all even know right now.

Yay America!

Jus sayin,
m.e.

If Obama Is Selling Something During His Infomercial Tonight That's $49.95 Or Less, I'm Buying One

Dear Everyone, ***

As long as we're oversharing, here's another juicy bit about me: I el oh vee ee LOVE infomercials.

If you have something to sell me, all you need to do is show me your infomercial and I will immediately dump the contents of my wallet into your piggy bank, no questions asked.

I don't really ever cook, and yet I'm *still* fascinated by that pancake puff pan. I'm dying to buy that Fluidity exercise system thingy, and I'm totally buying (like right now I'm off to order it) those WEN by Chaz Dean haircare products.

Also, I bought a Magic Bullet a couple of years ago and it totally rocked my world.

I am a true believer.

Anyway, I already drank Obama's Kool-Aid long ago, but I'm totes excited to see his little "closing argument" infomercial tonight at 8pm on every network except for ABC. I have no clue what this half hour Obamafest will be like, but I'll have my credit card out in the hopes that operators will be standing by.

Best of all, you can catch the Obaminator afterwards on The Daily Show.

as seen on TV,
me.

Joe The Plumber To Star In A Porn; Joe Sixpack Takes His Own Life

Dear Joe the Plumber, ***

Dude.

I SRSLY hope you got laid last night (the ass licking you got from our least favorite crabby, bitter, cranky, cross, dour, glum, grouchy, huffy, irritable, surly, testy presidential candidate, John McCain during the debate doesn't count, yo).

If not, you need to get your keester over to Hooters toute de suite so you can start breaking down your options. You're in for one hell of a pussy parade.

Have fun!

Also, can you be a dove and send me the name of your publicist? That bitch deserves to have a monument erected in her honor. Your ass got talked about more than: N. Korea, Iraq, earmarks, the economy, healthcare OR global warming.

I love America!,
me
(Obama 08')

'Famous Person' Totally Thought Sarah Palin Swept the Veep Debate...So Famous Person Must Be Right!

Dear Everyone, ***

Did you hear!?

Governor Sarah Palin t-o-t-a-l-l-y won the Vice Presidential debate with Senator Joe Biden last Thurs. FAMOUS PERSON said so!

John McCain's campaign released the above ad late last week.

"She killed. It was her evening. She was a star."

Yep, that's what famous person thought of all the action, and I don't know about you l00zers, but I happen to rully, rully trust famous person!

Famous person is like totally in touch with needs of our nation and obvies is really looking out for us all, so if famous person thinks Sarah Palin won, then famous person must be right!

Thanks gawd we've gots famous person to tell us where its at!

Only hitch is, there's lots of other famous persons who totally support Obama, like:
*Bruce Springsteen
*Billy Joel
*ScarJo
*LezLo
*Jennifer Aniston
*Robert DeNiro
*Chris Rock
*George Clooney
*Ben Affleck
*Oprah

So, for some chump like me...who basically just likes to listen to famous people and make all my decisions based on what they think is right or wrong, John McCain and Failin Palin are gonna need to step up their game and either identify this famous person once-n-for all, OR get themselves someone more A list then Wilford Brimley.

Fame ass does not = famous.

Jus sayin,
mee