OK, 'Girl On The Loose' Fucking ROCKS! (Also, I Think I Might Be In Love With Pamela Anderson)

Dear Pam, ***

Here's a quick list of just about the last motherfucking things I need in the world right now:

a. A new goddammed TV show to become obsessed with (as is, my Tivo left me the following note the other day: Do you have a freakin job or what? Leave me alone).
b. A new girl crush.

So, against my better judgment, I tuned into your new show on E!, Girl on the Loose, this weekend.

I was fully prepared to lump your ass in with Dina Lohan and Denise Richards, and all those other stupid reality shows that I "watch." And by "watch" I mostly mean that I half way listen to what's going on while I mindlessly surf the internet and download infomercials for WEN® by Chaz Dean-n-shit.

But I watched your show anyway...and was pretty much immediately fucking mesmerized.

Here's why: it looks totally gorgeous (like an old art movie with these really grainy, saturated shots), and YOU look totally gorgeous, and you are so not dumb (!?), and you do not exploit your kids, and you like architecture and then, of course, I think it took me all of about 12 minutes to become both completely obsessed AND fall head over heels in love with you.

And, truthfully, its gotten pretty bad, pretty fast. I mean, like I don't even have any problems with the white gold tiles you want for your pool OR the fact that you tend to do your "diary" confessional moments while floating naked in your tub because you had a freakin' yard sale for PETA and your assistant has been working for you for 15 years (!). That shit speaks volumes, Pammy.

So, like yeah.

Clearly I already have a pretty major problem.

In fact, I'm almost a little angry about it. I mean, I kinda feel cheated that I never realized what a fucking rock star you were until now.

You're Pam-tastic! (not to be confused with pan-tastic!)

And, of course, it seems like most people still don't fucking get it...because you didn't scream at your housekeeper and fire her during the first ep or accidentally set your kid up for an audition with a porn director.

And everyone is all about the dramz.

But, back off bitches!

Cause you care about the environment, and animal rights, and going to your kids soccer games...and that's like really sweet.

So, I'm totally a convert...a Pam-vert?...a pervert?

Whatever.

You rule.

blonde ambition,
me

I Love Mariah Carey, And I Don't Give A Crap Who Knows It

Dear Mariah, ***

I've been meaning to write for awhile now though, in truth, I don't really have much more to say than: OMFG, do you look super, smokin' hot.

I heard about your whole new Luscious Pink perfume thing, and that's pretty cool-n-all too, but mostly I just can't get over how bangin' you look in a bikini now. I know that you're an airbrushing junkie from way back, but when real pics leak, and you're former junk is still nowhere near your trunk, the proof is in the pudding.

As long as we're being totally honest, I also kinda love your new album. Shit, I still love your last album. That song you did with Snoop, Say Somethin'--I'm sorry but I dare anyone on the planet to send me a song that can re-motivate me on the treadmill, in the moment that inevitably always comes like 15 minutes in where I feel like saying eff this exercise shit and eating a twinkie, like that jam does.

But let's get back to you in a bikini: Holy freakin Christ.

love,
me

Gay Is The Way To Go, Lindsay Lohan...Be Gay All The Way!

photo: New York Magazine

Dear Lindsay, (*for now??)

Man, I hope to Christ you are gay...I really do. I know this isn't fair b/c I only know your ass from Us Weekly, and your annoying as shit mom, and you're koo koo for cocoa puffs dad, and lame-ass stunts you've pulled like begging for corporate sponsors for your bday party and shit, but this...you being gay...is like the first thing that's come out about you in a really, really long tme that makes me not hardcore hate your guts. And like, if it is true, then maybe that's what's been going on with you all these years [or should I say still going on?].

I swear, if you actually DO marry Samantha Ronson, I'm totally willing to forget it a -l-l. We can start over from scratch and have a fresh start. I mean, I'll still hold onto the good memories, of course, like Mean Girls and your Aaron Carter feud with Hillary Duff. But just like Miranda & Steve on the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll really let the past be the past with us. Pinky swear.

Go gay, girl--I would! (plus it would soo get you booked on Ellen!)

Loving the "L" word,
me

If Lovin' You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right, Eva Longoria

Dear Self,**

D-A-Y-M!

Are you sure you're not gay?

Stop staring at Eva Longoria's new Bebe ad like that...you're freakin me out.

Ay Mami,
m.e.