Cappucine: Cute Overload Dot Com To The Max (Meet Your Match, Suri Cruise!)

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Dear Everyone, ***

ZOMG.

I am in a full on cute coma.

I die.

I have just spent the past hour watching all 75 vids starring this adorable-licious little girl, and quite frankly, I'm feeling unprepared for now having to deal with the realities of life.

Work? Shower? Taking out the garbage?

I simply cannot do it. It's not fair! I just want to watch these videos all day. And watch Cappucine dance. And listen to Cappucine say hippopotamus and croco-deel en francais (Mon dieu!).

Can we all band together and insist that Cappucine (dubbed Amelie Jr. by the leaders of the interwebs) take over for Suri, Shiloh, Zuma, David, Honor, Max, Emme and all the rest of the celebrity babies?

Pleeez???

I can haz Cappucine?

:)

gum drops and moonbeams,
m.e.
(via ki_lo via Jezebel)

I Think Paul Rudd Should Try Out For So You Think You Can Dance

Dear Paul Rudd, ***

You fucking made my day, dude.

Thank gawd I've got your appearance on The Daily Show last night on my tivo, but in the meantime I've got 1:48 through 2:16 of this vid above on a constant loop.

I'm for serious...I've looked at ZERO porn today.

Anyway.

I can haz more of your sweet ass dancing?

xo,
me

Would You Think Any Less Of Me If I Admitted To REALLY Fucking Loving PM Dawn??

P.M. Dawn |MTV Music

Dear Everyone, ***

I've spent the better part of the past 48 hours deep in the heart of MTV's newest site: MTVMusic.com.

If you've yet to check this out:

a. what is your fucking problem?
b. you are so *not* cutting edge
c. do it now, or I'll never speak to you again

As far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing to happen to me since marijuana Sarah Palin joined the Republican ticket. MTVM is comprised of most every single worthwhile music video to ever run across your flatscreen in like the history of ever. Most shockingly, the site is beautiful AND easy to use.

There are videos here that literally take me back to Gulf Middle school in Cape Coral, Florida circa 1985 and, quite frankly, I've never had much of a desire to return to that time and/or place. But something about Arrested Development's Tennessee, for ex., manages to bring me back with a hazy, only midly melancholy edge that *almost* allows me to forget the tragic, daily hellishness that was my middle school experience.

But nothing, and I repeat NOTHING on this tasty little morsel of MTV dub dub dub takes me back faster than this PM Dawn jam. I was positive that this song would have major implications on the successful outcome of my life. I was sure I would lose my virginity to it...and that boys would one day be making me mix-tapes on which this song would be included. I think I even fantasized about this song being played at my wedding, though under what circumstance I am unsure (last dance of the night?).

As such, I took the release of this video VERY fucking seriously. I made it my mission to sit my ass in front of the TV as much as humanly possible in the hopes that I would be lucky enough to be staring upwards at the very moment MTV would make all my fuckin dreams come true by playing (just one more time, please!!) "Set Adrift On Memory Bliss" just for me.

Despite the fact that I watched this vid again and again, I loved this song so much I didn't even think PM Dawn's outfits were the least bit retarded. And though I had no clue what a "neutron fan" was, I wanted to be one. Badly.

In my crazy, fucked up fourteen-year-old mind, this song "completed me," in a way I had never been completed before.

The fact that I loved this song so much, I thought, reflected on the sort of person I was in the world...and that person was way more fucking cool than I was.

Le sigh.

As if confessing all this shit online in front of thousands hundreds tens of strangers wasn't embarrassing enough, here's the kicker: I STILL LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG. Like totally, madly, deeply love it.

And, honestly: it's still completely fucking relevant! Christina Applegate happens to have another hit show right now (Samantha Who?), and its actually v. friggin good.

I'm literally sitting here playing this vid for like the 17th time today.

(Holy. DFA. Overshare)

"that's the way it goes...I guess"
me

This Time I Mean It: Will You Marry Me, Bo Burnham!?

Dear Bo, ***

I. Die.

You are so freakin adorable, I die.

I'm officially OB'd with your ass. Like in a really scary kind of a way.

And of course the moment I read about you...and how you were Judd Apatow's new golden boy, I decided immediately that I hated you. And that you were probably annoying and whiny and not even remotely funny (kinda like Pineapple Express).

But I was so totally wrong. Like Jim Cramer "buy Wachovia" sort of wrong.

Cause you are hilarious, and brilliant, and achingly adorable. And I think I just tried to lick my laptop screen during your youtube video.

And if you ever sang a song just for me, I would melt all over the floor and drip into a pool of wet, hot Bo Burnham love juice. And I would... [OH SORRY].

Uhm.

I'm back.

Anyway.

I love you.
(like a lot).

Jus sayin,
m.e.

Six Days Till The Gossip Girl Premiere Drops, Bitches!

Dear Everyone, ***

Fuck the Olympics and Michael Phelps.

Fuck Big Brother and all their horny contestants.

Fuck 90210 2.0...and that new American Idol judge bitch.

Fuck all those cute viral cat vids....and Fuck the long awaited and very much anticipated end of the motherfucking summer.

Because its almost time for the big boys to come out and play, and I for one am locked and loaded, bitches.

Gossip Girl returns next Monday night, Sept. 1 at 8pm on the CW...and if you don't already have your DVR set, please get the fuck off this blog right the fuck now, and don't ever click your ass across the interweb in my direction again.

Goddammit, I almost need a cigarette after watching this preview above. I wasn't even bothered by the fact that Chuck Bass seems to be taking fashion cues from Samantha Ronson or that Serena and Dan are apparently not reunited within the first 48 seconds of the show (all in due time, my pretties).

Anyway.

The ep looks pretty damn ferosh. And, of course, my new fave line of the season (natch): "Damn that Mother-Chucker."

Ok... I'm off to go jerk off to the sound of Kristin Bell's voice.

You know you love,
me
(xoxo)

p.s. HA!

OK, 'Girl On The Loose' Fucking ROCKS! (Also, I Think I Might Be In Love With Pamela Anderson)

Dear Pam, ***

Here's a quick list of just about the last motherfucking things I need in the world right now:

a. A new goddammed TV show to become obsessed with (as is, my Tivo left me the following note the other day: Do you have a freakin job or what? Leave me alone).
b. A new girl crush.

So, against my better judgment, I tuned into your new show on E!, Girl on the Loose, this weekend.

I was fully prepared to lump your ass in with Dina Lohan and Denise Richards, and all those other stupid reality shows that I "watch." And by "watch" I mostly mean that I half way listen to what's going on while I mindlessly surf the internet and download infomercials for WEN® by Chaz Dean-n-shit.

But I watched your show anyway...and was pretty much immediately fucking mesmerized.

Here's why: it looks totally gorgeous (like an old art movie with these really grainy, saturated shots), and YOU look totally gorgeous, and you are so not dumb (!?), and you do not exploit your kids, and you like architecture and then, of course, I think it took me all of about 12 minutes to become both completely obsessed AND fall head over heels in love with you.

And, truthfully, its gotten pretty bad, pretty fast. I mean, like I don't even have any problems with the white gold tiles you want for your pool OR the fact that you tend to do your "diary" confessional moments while floating naked in your tub because you had a freakin' yard sale for PETA and your assistant has been working for you for 15 years (!). That shit speaks volumes, Pammy.

So, like yeah.

Clearly I already have a pretty major problem.

In fact, I'm almost a little angry about it. I mean, I kinda feel cheated that I never realized what a fucking rock star you were until now.

You're Pam-tastic! (not to be confused with pan-tastic!)

And, of course, it seems like most people still don't fucking get it...because you didn't scream at your housekeeper and fire her during the first ep or accidentally set your kid up for an audition with a porn director.

And everyone is all about the dramz.

But, back off bitches!

Cause you care about the environment, and animal rights, and going to your kids soccer games...and that's like really sweet.

So, I'm totally a convert...a Pam-vert?...a pervert?

Whatever.

You rule.

blonde ambition,
me

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Are a Comin'...And It's Gonna Be G-O-O-D, Bitches

Dear Real Housewives of Atlanta, ***

Wowza.

I just watched the preview for your shiny, new Bravo TV show and you bitches fuckin d-e-l-i-v-e-r-e-d.

Now, I'm a hardcore RHoNYC devotee, so I'm not abandoning my No. 1 homegirls just yet, but I already like you bia's way better than the Orange County spray tanned ho hos.

And I'll tell you somethin else: if I was a rich Black bitch, I would get my ass to Hotlanta tout de suite. It's like the Black Beverly Hills all up in there but with way more space. I don't blame you lovelies one freakin' bit for stayin behind those big iron gates in your little suburban enclaves...who the eff would ever wanna leave?--espesh when your ass is libel to get all shot up in the clubs with ur dubs, etc.

Ok, here are my initial thoughts:

[sidenote: Wow, rich black chicks are NOT into boob jobs. Not sure why I never picked up on this before, but its kind of fascinating--espesh since that's like the first stop white chicks make the minute they've got some benjis in the bank. All these ladiez look completely ginuine...except for the white one, of course].

Lisa Wu Hartwell: Ok, so he're we've got our real estate broker/baby clothes designer/screenwriter/producer/jewelery designer (Wu Girls Jewelry!)/gym rat/artist who's clearly gonna be the know-it-all of the group. She seemingly has all of these businesses so that she can star in her own ad campaigns, oh and also because she's stacking "hyper." She's married to linebacker Ed Hartwell and she and her hubby are exercise fanatics, as evidenced by her weird-ish body builder bod, but like no judgment mama cause I can dig.

NeNe (pronounced Nee Neee, ohhhh kaaaay???) Leakes: Holy. Ghetto. Fabulousness. NeNe is, hands down, my fave housewife...homegirl likes to tell it like it is and she doesn't give a shit who's listening. She's married to some old dude named Gregg who doesn't let her eat carbs, and she uses words like "stable" to describe their relationship as she flashes her 10 carat diamond ring back and forth on screen, so I think we can all connect the dots on that one. This chick is all about the dramz and, I swear, if she doesn't get into a physical altercation with someone on the show by the end of the season, I will personally pay every single one of you bitches reading this right now one million dollars.

DeShawn Snow: Not sure what her game is yet, but if I need help figuring it out I can probs check in with her Estate Manager, Head Maid, Chef, Maid Crew, Governess, Driver or Nanny for some clarification. She's married to Eric Snow of the Cleveland Cavaliers and though I know nothing at all about sports, apparently they're doing pretty fuckin well since her house is the size of my entire apartment building. Oh, and also they've been building said dream house for two years and she never bothered checking anything out until it was all done, so stay tuned for those "hey, I thought there was supposed to be a bathroom down here in the roller rink!?" or "we were suppos'd to have 19 bedrooms, not 17!" moments that I'm sooo looking forward to.



Sheree Whitfield: Here's our soon-to-be divorced housewife who's holding out for a seven figure settlement deal. Of course, she's working on her own clothing line (I'm guessing that ALL these chicks are working on either their own clothing or jewelry line) that she's calling She by Sheree, natch. She got the least amount of screen time so far, so she's either boring or boring, but it does seem like she has a cat fight with NeNe brewing in the season previews, so I'm not writin' her off just yet.

Kim Zolciak: Here's our token white housewife who within the first five mins of showing her face on my flatscreen, dropped these priceless little nuggets: "I'm very materialistic...it makes me feel good to have name brands...I don't want anything else. I can die tomorrow, but I'm gonna die wearing Dior." She's dating some rich, reculsive bazillionaire named "Big Papa" who never shows his face and only communicates with her Charlie's Angels style, cause like of course his real wife and family prob wouldn't appreciate knowing that he's fucking some country music singer wannabe on a reality TV show. Not surprisingly, she's BFF with NeNe and obvs that's gonna = trouble in future eps. Oh, and also she can't seem to stop winking at me us and then sticking her tongue out.

All I can say is, goddamn you, Bravo, for previewing this mofo a full month before the show actually debuts. Cause now I am countin the motherfuckin' days like a kid in sleepaway camp with one of those lame ass toilet paper "calendars" where you tear off one sheet each day until visiting day finally arrives.

I am officially ob'd.

Wu Girls,
me.

September 1st = Gossip Girl Season 2 Premiere, Bitches!

I'm Not Sure I'm Smart Enough For You, Lost

Dear Lost,*

Like I don't already have enough fucking things to do 4 u?

Between re-watching your shows, hanging out on the boards, analyzing recut flash forward footage and feeling stupid about still not understanding WTF is going on (not to mention my other SYTYCD, Amanda Lorber and BeKanye responsibilities), now I have to READ BOOKS too!? From the Official Lost Book Club?!

Son of a bitch.

I may as well just quit my job so that I can focus on giving this shit the sort of non-stop, full throttle daily attention it requires. You know what, though?? I'm not even sure THAT would do it.

I've been giving this all a lot of thought, Lost, and I think I've come up with a reasonable solution: a Lost Scholarship! You know, a yearly stipend to be awarded to the most dedicated and industrious of all Lostie fans who have demonstrated a full bodied and all consuming commitment to the study, analysis and prostelyzation of anything and everything LOST. You could award ten scholarships or so to people like me (i.e. your most kick-ass'd loyal fans) and then we'll all quit our jobs, sit around all day dissecting every little nook and cranny of every episode all the while spreading the Lost gospel far-n-wide.

I think $75,000 per annum, would be resonable.

Let me know your thoughts.

U R my constant,
me

SYTYCD Week 3 Eliminations: Chelsea & Chris Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200 Benjis

Dear Everyone, ***

First off if any of you l00zers are sick enough to be engaging in some sort of high-level Vegas type betting for this show, I would H-I-G-H-L-Y suggest you stick your asses around here. Notice who was right the fuck on with her week one elimination predictions!? ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Ok, so now Nigel is wearing leather too?!

Also, this dance crew, Qwest, rawked my freakin' face off, you?



So Chris: You're so adorable I might actually submit your pic to that site Cute Overload :) You're flushed cheeks just slay me. On a dance competition on Bravo or somethin', you'd probably totally kill, but this is the pro leagues homes, and you're just not there yet. On a sidenote, you didn't leap enough for me, dude--it started looking like you were afraid to to let your feet not be touchin' the floor. Catch some air! I will always remember your ass as the nilla who Krumped like a champ and got Nigel to masturbate on stage, and that's pretty major.

Chelsea: You were a great dancer and seemed to have lovely technique, but if we're bein really real with each other, it certainly didn't help matters that you were a cute, sassy Black girl with short hair. I'm sure you know that a cute, sassy Black girl with short hair won last year so, yeah...there was that.

On the plus side, you'll both have way more time now to ponder the fact that Jordin Sparks wrote your annoying summer anthem:

"One step at a time, there's no need to rush.
It's like learning to fly, or falling in love.
It's gonna happen when
it's supposed to happen. When we find the reasons why"

Play.
Repeat.

One step at a time,
me

SYTYCD Week 3: Cat-a-Clysmically Cat-Tastic

Dear Everyone, ***

Oh Christ.

Tonight marked the return of Adam Shankman--the one judge I actually find to be more annoying than Mia Michaels. Ok, he does give some genuinely helpful crit on occasion, but also he's like totally in love with the sound of his own voice and it bugs. After kissing up to Cat in all her lacy, just been fucked hair hotness...and kissing Mary's fire whistle screaming lips, I'm ready to take one for the team and french kiss Shaq's ass again if it would mean saying goodbye to this mofo forever.

Also WTF with the opening number? I know you SYTYCD staffers probably have a busy week and all, but can't your asses find some sorta gangsta somewhere to come in and choreograph some shit up!?

Finally, can you p-l-e-a-s-e make sure that whichever bitches you pick out of the studio audience to be BFF with Cat during the opener--you know, standing up there on that crow's nest thing that I keep expecting her to trapeze off of down onto the stage--do not have their friggin' bra straps showing through their tank-a-tinis like some skeezy ass ho?

Thnx.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Twitchington
Choregorapher: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Ok, true confessions: I loved watching this sugar sweet sunshine, blondie, white ass Kherrington chick busting her ass ALL over that stage trying to be as ghetto fab, booty-licious as her Aryan self could be. Though, I gotta say, those orange jumpsuits were a bit distracting for me...it almost made them look 3D. BUT, those bitches hit it and they hit it h-a-r-d with this joint. Proof was in the pudding when Mary let loose with one of her rape screams and Nigel faked us all out so good. I bet you a benji you were sitting on the edge of your couch with your mouth all open and your titties knockin thinking "WTF motherfucker!?" till he finished saying his piece and you realized your ass had been played by Nigel like a harmonica.

Courtney & Gev
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & his sassy, fat, red-headed assistant
Rhumba
Slightly Circus of the Stars lookin' opening bit, but holy shit did Courtney look hot in that sparkly blue panty cloth. With the "grab her butt" pre-show antics (I think that must have been said a minimum of eleven times), we knew that this number was destined to be hotsy totsie, but mama mia: that shit was like choreographed fucking right there on the stage on network TV. I loved the crap out of this one, and thank Christ the judges did too. [Can someone please get Adam Shankman on a timer...and tell him to shut his hole after like the first 30 seconds?]

Chris & Comfort
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
African Jazz
This number was brought to us by Bed, Bath & Beyond. Shit Chris, I have a feeling that this might be goodbye for realz this week. First of all, you guys have zero chemistry, like none. I wouldn't be surprised if Courtney got pregnant during her dance with Gev, wheras you two were like a gay guy and a lez tryin' to go hetero with each other. Again, Chris, you're cute as a button, but I wish "kick ass dancer" was the first thing that came to my mind about you rather than "cute." This was really just ok for me, dawg.

Will & Jessica
Choreographer: Doriana Sanchez
Disco
I love the night life, y'all. Ok, here's the straight dope: Jess, you are a sweet gurl, fer sure, but you need to get your ass back to whatever pro NBA or NFL dance troop you came here from. The judges and I totally parted ways here--I thought this number was ridiculously mediocre. I wasn't even that blown away by Will, and you freaks know that I normally love me some hardcore Will. Though I was totally swooning during the promo piece when Jessica was talking about how much of a true gentleman Will is [insert cougar purr here]. But I wasn't feelin' this joint...like at all.

Kourtni & Matt
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Contemporary
Holy, ninja Mohawk! I felt sorry for the homie that had to sit behind that bitch at the show. Ok, I start getting bored with these fuckers as soon as I stroke out their names on my keyboard. First off, those costumes were horrendous. I have no idea what those outfits were supposed to be saying, but to me they said: "I got dressed in the dark...and I'm retarded...and homeless." I know that's not supposed to be their fault, but shit...those costumes were so bad that there is no way in Christ I would ever let my ass be sent out on stage lookin' like that. Again, I part ways with the judges here because I thought that this one was seriously nothing special either. And I have a feeling that the judges were just all too busy kissing the new she-ninja choreographer's ass to notice that this dance was just blah, blah, meh.

Chelsea & Thayne
Choreographer: Heather Smith
Quick Step
S-N-O-O-Z-E.

Let's recap: first week = hot tamale train; second week = caboose; third week = men's room urinal at Penn Station during a heat wave while the air is on the fritz. You two are the second most boring-est peeps on the show (after KourMa).

Chelsie & Mark
Choreographer: Napoleon & Tabitha
Hip Hop
"Please don't go to work, daddy...mommy is so l-o-n-e-l-y." Favorite fucking number of the night alert. These two still rock my world and haven't had a single misstep yet. Adam Shankman loves these fuckers too...which almost makes me feel like I should hate them, but that's insanity. Like crazy with a "K." I'm still missing Wade, but Tabitha and Napoleon are definitely holdin' their own too--gotta give props where props r due.

Katee & Joshua
Choreographer: Tony Meredith and you know who
Samba
*Hot Tamale Train (first class cabin lodging)
These two were on fire...a-g-a-i-n. They are another example of a totally bizarro pairing (a la Chelsie & Mark), but they just freakin' work in every single way. As much as I wanted to punch Katee full on in the face during auditions, she continues to win me over. And Josh is just so damn cute, with those sweet ass braces and those little dimples...he was like a super cool, non-scientologist John Travolta out there. I predict JoshEE will be totally safe this week.

K, so if I had to lay it on the line, I'd say my bottom three with a bullet are:
*Kourtni & Matt
*Comfort & Chris
*Chelsea & Thayne

And goin home?: Chris & Chelsea

I just finished making my calls and voting for everyone else. Rock the votes bitches...voting ain't just for fuckers named Obama-n-shit.

Shank Man no more,
me

SYTYCD Week 2 Eliminations: Susie & Marquis Get Jacked In Their Holes

Dear Susie & Marquis,

As Flo Rida so aptly put it: "whoa hot damn, this just wasn't (sic) your jam."

Marquis: you are unbelievably talented and your technique seems pretty freakin' flawless, BUT your name is ridiculous and, for some reason, you def were not as likable as all of the other dudes. I mean, you seem like a way better dancer than Chris, but he's got those eyes...and those adorable flushed cheeks...and you kind of look like Alfonso Ribiero from Silver Spoons. And it just doesn't work.

Susie: as far as teachers go, it just doesn't get any hotter than you. If I were a 17-year-old, Pro-activ usin' World of Warcraft devotee, I'd be jerkin' off to cell phone pics of you e-v-e-r-y night. But let's be honest: you didn't have a jalapeno pepper's chance in Caliente of making it past week three without some sort of divine intervention. I give you mad props for limping through the action as long as you did, and I'm totally positive that the upcoming productions of Grease, My Fair Lady and West Side Story that you'll oversee at your high school are going to be fucking epic. In the meantime, you need to do something about your hair. That shit looks good on NO ONE and as a Hooters-girl-resemblin', pre-pubescent cougar, you gotta keep yourself in check if you don't wanna be mistaken for a tranny at the Salsa bars in Miami.

And so SuMarq, your time with us is dunzo. The cool thing is, we'll always remember you both for going out on the show where Nigel grabbed his junk and Cat went girl gangsta.

We laughed...we cried...we went banoodles.

Asta la vista babies,
me

SYTYCD Week 2: It's Gettin' Kinda 'Banoodles' Around Here

Dear Everyone, ***

Wow, thanks to Mia, we all learned a new word tonight: Banoodles, indeed.

I think before we get into all the dancing shit, I need someone to give me some sort of a coherent explanation as to what the eff Mary Murphy was wearing?! For reals, I wasn't sure if this was SYTYCD or Secret Diary of A Call Girl. Whatever it was, it was fuckin banoodles.

I'm gonna ignore Cat's big bird dress, b/c she's super hot and can pretty much pull off anything (unlike my Mary-cakes), but that shit was pretty redonkulous too.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Thayne & Chelsea: Wow, everyone hated the crap out of this number, huh? I actually thought it was pretty ok and was totally digging Thayne's guyliner. I will say that its hard to for me not to compare Chelsea to Season 3 winner Sabra, and since I wasn't the hugest Sabra fan to begin with, I'm not really feelin' any connection to her 2.0 reincarnation. I guess I was kinda meh about them, but didn't think their number was quite the steaming pile of turd that the the "ju-jus" made it out to be.

Mark & Chelsie: Who's gonna punch it in on a "fave couple alert" for these two ninjas? I'm probs gonna have to wrestle Mia Michaels to the death, but I don't give a crap b/c I love these two mofos like a fat kid loves cake. I wanted to hate Chelsie from go...I really have--but I totally love the crap out of her. This Argentine tango they did just rocked the hizzy. It was like Mark was fucking her with his eyes all up and down that stage and it was friggin riveting. I'm ready to go rent some Argentine Tango porn.

Will & Jessica: I feel bad for Jess, b/c Will really is way more of a superstar than she'll ever be...but I dug this number a lot. The choreography was totally hot and Cat used the word "gangsta" twice.

Kourtni & Matt: These two are sort of an odd couple for me. I was surprised that I liked their foxtrot as much as I did, but there is still something about them that's just missing, ya know? I get a very strong feeling that neither one of them are going to be around for much longer. That drop that Kourtni did when she literally almost hit the floor and Matt caught her head was s-i-c-k, though.

Courtney and Gev: This was another favorite number of the night for me, and Mia can stick it up her chucha with all that "she wasn't feelin' it bullshit." I think they these two are insanely talented and adorable and also Mandy Moore is just wreckin' shit up with her slammin choreography.

Josh & Katee: Josh is insane, yo. This Broadway number was awesome, and I usually hate this sort of stuff. Tyce Diorio is like the kryptonite to my SYTYCD enjoyment levels, but this was actually fun and super interesting to watch.

Susie & Marquis: Hold the phone: did anyone catch that red, white and blue geometric jumpsuit that that choreographer assistant was wearing during the set up piece? It was h-o-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g. Ay Carumba, this number was weird. The choregoraphy was jalepeno peppers hot, but Susie was just meh to the miggity maxx.

Twitchington: Whoa...that was totally freakin' mesmerizing. I do sorta/kinda agree with Mia re: Kherrington's smile olympics, however, I still think these two are like the king and queen of the prom all up in this motherfucker. Also, I found this tribute that Jean Marc and his wife choreographed for their daughter to be like waaay more touching than that number Mia put out on the stage last year with Neal and Lacey in honor of her dad. And, Twitch you are soo my boy. Like for reals, dude, I've been hot for you since last season auditions. If you ever need a baby momma, I'm your girl.

Comfort & Chris: Chris + Krumping = totally bizarre. I don't know if I'm just too old for krumping or what, but I don't get it. I did, however, love Nigel's impression of Chris telling his mom that he had to go pee pee. These two are gunna be in the bottom three for shizzie.

Word.



Ok, so listen up motherfuckers: you best pick up your cellies and vote while the lines are open. We meet back here tomorrow and I swear to christ, if any of my favoritey faves are eliminated (i.e. Twitch, Will, Joshua, Mark, either fucking Courtn(ey/ie) or Gev) I'm gonna hunt you bitches down and beat you silly one by one...and I'm talkin to all nine of you who read this dope ass blog.

Twitch, I'm your bitch,
me

SYTYCD Week 1 Eliminations: Adios, Jamie & Rayven

'Boys Don't Cry,' Except For The Ones On SYTYCD!; Plus, We've Got Our Top 20

Dear Everyone, ***

Can all you bitches feeeeel the the motherfuckin' excitment buildin??? I don't know about all y'all, but after 8 solid hours of auditions, I'm ready for Cat Deeley to put on some heels and some freakin' lipstick so she can finally scream, for really reals:

SO
YOU THINK YOU CAN
DANCE!!! (you fuckers are responsible for doing your own accents).

Rather than waste our time on all the losers who couldn't cut the mustard, here are my quick initial thoughts on the Top 20 lolcats:

1. Courtney Galliano: Def one of the hottest contestants (this chick looks damn fine in those boy-shorts-atards that all those girls wear), but the bitch can dance too. I'm calling it right now: this is our Lauren Gottlieb 2.0. I'm guessing she's gonna have Mia Michaels crying at some point too.
2. Chelsie Hightower: Ay Carumba--another hotsie totsie. She's our girl next door. She'll kill it in Ballroom and Latin, of course, but I can't wait to get some Timbaland or Snoop all up in her shizzie.
   
3. Susie Garcia: Holy Mary Kay Letourneau--none of my teachers evah looked like this bitch. She needs to ditch the pink skunk hair stripe and cover up her tits a bit more, but this sista is gunnin' to be the first one to get her ticket on Mary's Hot Tamale Train, obvs.
4. Chelsea Triel: Ok she's pretty and clearly a Sabra 2.0, but is it me or did we not see this woman AT A-L-L?
5. Kourtni Lind: This little honey is cuter than an internet video of a kitten snuggling up with a puppy. She's clearly gonna be another one of Mia Michaels bitches. Annnd, I hate to be all predictable here, but hello: Lacey 2.0 minus the tats.
6. Joshua Allen: Sweet hip hop boy from the wrong side of the tracks. I think he wore a Members Only denim jacket and I loved every fuckin' minute of it. Debbie Allen t-o-t-a-l-l-y got his number after the show.
7. Twitch: You are sooo my bitch. Right now you're my fave, but I'm a teensy bit worried about you gettin' your hands dirty with a Tony Meredith Samba, ya know? I'm keepin' the faith, tho.
8. Kherington Paine: California surfer girl lookin' little hottie and also my pick for bottom two first week.
9. Raven Armejo: This chick rocks the hizzie and her audition with that dude Romulus or whatever his name was, left me feelin' like I needed a cold ass shower. Again, not diggin' the skunk stripes, though.
10. Marquise Cunningham: No clue who this little ballerina dude is.
11. Matt Dormay: Ditto.
12. Thayme Jasperson: This dude can seriously dance, but also at first glance he sort of looks like a retarded farmer...with a name that screams pretentious, Tribeca dwelling artist. Or is that just me?
    
13. Mark Kenomura: Rock out the faux hawk...annnnnd I have no idea who this dude is.
14. Comfort Fidochi: It is gonna be some fun as shit to see this mini Missy Elliot chick wearing heels and an evening gown.
15. Benji Jamie Baird: ??
16. Chris Jaross: I'm sorry, b/c I actually really dig this guy and think he can dance his ass off, but have you ever seen such gorgeous skin on a dude? And he's also got some beautiful Angelina lookin' lips. If he's not homo, he's gotta be a serious metro with a skin regime and shit...either way, I just feel like stroking his cheeks while soft music plays in the background. Mia Michaels clearly wants to fuck him too. Also, he's so Neil 2.0.
    
17. Jessica King: For some reason, I think this chick is gonna be great at the Broadway shit, other than that, I got nothin.'
    
18. William Wingfield: I loved this guy from go. I thought his audition was the smartest thing we've seen from all these guys. Right now, he's like a tiny pube's length below Twitch for me on my favorite-o-meter.
19. Gev Menician: I don't get this pick over Brandon...who rocked my fuckin' world, but whatevs.
20. Katie Shean: Boo hoo, BFF's torn apart...prob should have dumped her after her whole, "I wouldn't come back" brouhaha, but let's see if she can step it up.
    

Also, what the christ is with all the brace faces this year? I was expecting one of the dancers to have a rubber band mishap during a particularly taxing arabesque. And was there ANY dude up in this muthafucka who wasn't cryin' his eyes out like a bitch ass baby at some point in the evening? Boo fuckin hoo, doodz. I mean, I ate up every god damned minute of the waterworks, of course, but that's besides the point.

Next week, it's on. Live performance show, bitches. Be there or be square.

word out.

dance with,
me

I Will Keep A-L-L Your Shit Confidential, Justin Timberlake

Dear JT, ***

I swear I was sitting on the Q this very eve, just thinking about how much I miss your hot ass and wondering where the eff you be? And Lo and behold, here you is...gettin' all demandin' and shit at your press junket for The Love Guru. I likey!

Luckily for you, I don't give a rat's fuck what sort of reindeer games you play, because I'd give my own grandma a beatdown if you asked me too real nice like, with that half smile, shit eating smirk you work like Barack at an NAACP rally.

Having said that, a bitch can't help but be curious about what sorts of secrets you're shakin' in your Japanese, limited edition, designer sneaks about the journos revealing. An engagement? Having your ass kissed by Coldplay? The Diaz-n-Diddy Titty Committee?

Eh, who am I kidding. I don't really care. Take your pants off.

Now.

"Mr. J.T. What U Got For...,
me"

Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina, And Espesh Ashley Simpson, Tune The Eff In: An Open Letter To All Celebrities

Dear all y'all, *

This latest Ashlee Simpson bullshit is a prime example of exactly why we hate most of you mother effers these days.

This bitch has been barefoot and pregnant for months now, and everybody and their brother knew it. Yet, deny, deny, deny. That guyliner wearing musician she's married to...what's his fucking name? Pete Wentz? A couple of weeks ago, he was all: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood." Right. How bout: no witch hunt dude...just your skinny ass wife mysteriously gettin fat.

Yeah, the paps are crazy and chase you and shit for pics, but that's why you get paid millions and millions and millions of dollars. This way when you crash your car after an evening of speed racer with Adnan Ghalib, you can easily hit up the ATM, take out 75k and be rollin' with your new S Class for your Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf run the following morn. And WTF is up with that need to hide from the photogs anyway?? Take ten minutes, pose for a freakin' photo and be on your way to yog-a-lates class, Homes.

And don't E-V-E-N front like you're not readin' all those fuckin tabs every week, just like the rest of us wannabees. I gah-ron-tee your asses that this is what 99% of your morning routines look like, down to a motherfuckin tee:

1. Wake up
2. Jack off
3. Watch Tivo'd eps of TMZ in bed
4. Down 2 wheatgrass shooters that your personal asst just picked up from the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson
5. Take a shit while reading Us Weekly, Star and OK! Magazine
   
6. Head over to your Black Macbook
7. Google yourself
8. Read Page Six
9. Read Perez Hilton
10. Read Defamer
    
11. Read Dlisted
12. Read Just Jared
13. Read Pink is the New Blog
    
14. Read Dear Famous Asshole (heh...ok, probs not but everyone deserves a dream, you asshat).

And by the way, which is it?? Do you want your privacy or not? Because if so, you best get that memo to Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears and your PR peeps, and your studio and everyone else who leaks shit about where you be every freakin minute of the day. See that's how more pictures with your ass in em get sold to more magazines. But, you'd never do that, would you, because you like it when you like it...and that's most of the god damned time.

Where there's smoke there's usually fire. I'm not sure who came up with that shit, but its tru.

Word on the street was that Ashelee was with child. Her stomach was poochy. She got engaged and married within a month. We alll did the mother fuckin math. And now she and King Kohl make their announcement just like it ain't no thang.

Listen up celebs, and listen hard. Your deal with the devil has been made...your privacy is gone. That shit is dead and buried. If you're a bazillionaire like Oprah or Brange or any number of you other fools, than you made a pretty good fuckin' deal. So pleez, shut your face, smile for the camera, admit shit when its true, and just freakin' deal with it. You're pwned now.

Sheesh.

me

If 'Lost' Makes You Feel Lost, Then Get Lost; JK, I'm Lost After That Finale Too

photo: ABC

Dear Lost, ***

Man. Dude. WTF was that?

I normally don't write because, well...you intimidate the shit out of me. There are peeps out there who know you way better than I do and I figure you're probs busy reading letters from all of them right now.

But today I wanted to write mostly just to say that that finale was the bomb diggity to the miggity max. Espesh the Penny/Des reunion (was Des the "other people" Sun was referring to when she had her Widmore confrontation??) which was hella dope. I was pretty shocked you gave us that happy ending, but I slurped it up like a dog eating its own vomit. Yum.

I actually hightailed my ass straight to Wikipedia to look up that Jeremy Bentham dude and he's verrrry interesting fo sure. Utilitarianism...Panopticons...oh my. Then I spent an hour reading through the forums, of course, which I need to get back to ASAP since that's mostly the only way I know what the eff is going on. I mean, I g-e-t what's going on on the surface b/c I can see my big ass TV fine and all, but I like to get into the nitty gritty of the motherfucker, ya know? (like, for instance, what that hell that bizarro phonecall was that Kate got).

Also, leave it to Darlton to get us all wound up like a sidewinder for the past FOUR YEARS about getting everyone off the island, and then within one freakin episode, all I can think about is how in the eff everyone's gonna get back. Seriously dudes, g-e-n-i-u-s.

Anyway, for realz, thanks for a season that rocked the hizzy. I think I officially now study harder for Lost than I did for my SAT's.

Ben-tastically Yours,
mostly me

P.S. How in the eff is Walt like already applying for college? Wasn't he eight a coupla years ago? That dude should barely have pubes by now.

Amanda Lorber, Please Don't Leave Me Now: The Season Finale of The Paper

Dear Amanda, ***

First of all, :(

How in the hell can the whole season be over already!

Second of all: OMG, this whole Alex thing t-o-t-a-l-l-y makes sense now! He was being such an asshole to you over the past few weeks because he's secretly been in love with Michael Jan the whole time! How can he not be? He's Jan-tastic! Jan-i-licious! Jan-jiggity!

I mean, I get where Alex is coming from--I really do. I want to lick the sweat off of Michael Jan's glistening bod myself after watching him in the shirtless "sprint off" with Adam. And we're not the only ones: Giana spent the entirety of her eleven month anniversary lunch with Trevor at the Melting Pot singing the Jan Man's praises. He plays tennis, he's a genius, he's still got a life!

MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN!

Check out her defensive eye roll when Trev called her out about her not so secret crush.

Anyway, I'm glad we've finally gotten to the bottom of what's been undermining you with the "back row" crew this whole time--an over-the-top, obsessive infatuation with MJ.

Oh yeah, and also the fact that Alex is a delusional, self-important douche who has literally zero clue how to generate any of his own opinions. He is STILL so hung up on the fact that he was not chosen for the editor-in-chief position, he seems to be in the midst of some sort of psychotic break with reality wherein he thinks he's the motherfucking glue holding the entirety of The Circuit newspaper together.

This makes no sense...like, none.

Ok, so he showed up to the ropes course bonding exercise and you didn't. BFD. You had to finish your NYU application for God's sake! (congrats, by the way, miss thang :) I think you aptly realized that it was a case of too little too late by that stage of the game, and you needed to be looking out for A number one. But I think it was this absence of yours, coupled will your brill bitch slap out in the hall after he tried to make you look like a fool in front of your staffers, that ultimately planted the inane idea in his head that he needed to work things out with you once and for all with one last talk.

Expectedly, Alex acted like a two-year-old and you exhibited your usual way-beyond-your years brand of cool at this tete-a-tete, making him look all the more pathetic and sad. Here were some of my favorite Alex quotes from your final showdown convo:

1. "I've tried to remain netural this whole time"
2. "I've been picking up the slack and doing all of your work."
3. "People think that I've performed well and you haven't"

Alex, dude, what are you smoking?!

Not only has he continuously not remained neutral, he has sabotaged and undermined you at every available turn. I highly doubt he's had to pick up one iota of slack on your behalf and as for people thinking that "he's performed well" I'm quite certain that's data he culled from....yep, you guessed it...the back row bitch squad--i.e. all the chumps who mistakenly thought they should be holding the journalistic reigns instead of you. Unless, of course, by "performed well" he was making some sort of sick reference back to his Michael Jan man crush/obsession, but I will not drag you down into the gutter with me to ponder that possibility.

So, Ms. Amanda Lorber, as your lovely little show comes to an end tonight, I can say with the utmost sincerity and not a drop of snark in my keyboard stroking, you have managed to completely renew my faith in the teen establishment, reality television, journalistic pursuits and MTV all at the same time. Not to get all sentimental and "will you sign my yearbook" on you, but I'm totally going to miss you. Miss you in like a genuinely real sort of way that I've definitely never felt before toward any other reality star (cue music--we totally just had a moment here together, didn't we?). Anyway, ALo, you are a smart, spunky goin' places chick with about as good a head on your shoulders as one could ever hope for at your age (Christ, who are we kidding here--at my age!). I've said it before and I'll say it again: You rock, and you rock hard. Please try not to forget this...it will be hard at times, but you need to try (maybe write out a few post-it notes??).

Before we say our goodbyes (hopefully not forevs!), can you PLEASE tell me what this girl's name is?! She is fucking hysterical and smart and gutsy and its been bugging me for weeks that I don't know what to call her. If she is not a senior, I hope she gets the editor-in-chief gig next year (are you out there Mrs. Weiss?)

Anyway AL, thanks for the memories...I'll treasure them 4-eva. You've got some mighty big shoes to fill fer sure.

LYLAS.

Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Text,
Me
(for realz)

P.S. Trevor got a perfect math score on his SAT's?! Holy Christ, that was the shocker of the season (I guess I owe you an apology, Trev).

You Better Be Watching So You Think You Can Dance, Or Else...

Dear Everyone, ***

With the recent premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, I thought it might be an appropriate time to remind every freakin' one of you that this is, seriously, the best fucking show on TV. In fact, if you are not watching this show and have no plans to do so:
A. You're a complete moron
B. You have no taste
C. You have never taken the time to investigate how hard this show actually rocks.

I'll go ahead and give you all the benefit of the doubt and just assume you fall into the C group, so let me tell you why the eff you should be tuning in:

First of all, because of this dude:


Mind you, this is just from the auditions show...it gets even better.

I get that people love American Idol...and I used to love it too. But the level of talent, the jaw dropping drama and the broad spectrum of pure, unadulterated spunk of the SYTYCD contestants makes AI, for me, look like open mic night at Hooters. I don't mean to downplay vocal skillz at all--I mean, if you can belt one out like Gladys Knight, mad props to you and your Pips. But these dancers are really just in a way different league.

And trust me...the dancing is totally off the charts.

I don't want to hear any of your shit about how you're "not really that into dancing" or how you "tried to watch Dancing With the Stars and just couldn't get into it." Seriously, shut your face right now.

Basing your opinion of dance shows in general on the juvenille, circus sideshow, velveeta cheez fest of Dancing With the Stars is totally whack and I, for one, won't allow it. That show is all about the thrill of watching washed up has beens or D-list fame whores jiggle their jangles in lame ass costumes and laugh as they make fools of themselves in front of a live audience. The judges are so in love with the sound of their own voices, you get the sense that they likely sit in pitch meetings with the network suggesting they change the show to a straight judge commentary format where they discuss for an hour what it might look like if they allowed any of their loser contestants to actually take to the dance floor. The dancing is almost besides the point.

In stark contrast, on SYTYCD, we've got the Hot Tamale Train:


Laugh if you will, but I love the shit out of Mary Murphy. And if she ever gave me a ticket on the Hot Tamale Train, I would ride that mofo until the rails were rusting off the effin tracks. Believe me--you would too. Yes, she sometimes has a teeny bit of the "WTF did she just say?" Paula Abdul factor goin' on; and true: 99% of the time she just repeats exactly what Nigel says; but mostly, she is all about a genuine love of dancing and a true, totally sincere desire to see all of the SYTYCD dancers become superstars. Mark my words: after of a few weeks of watching the show, you're gonna be sitting your ass on your couch, screamin' "HOT TAMALE TRAIN" at the TV like a frat boy on Superbowl Sunday...and you're going to love every fucking minute of it.

Nigel Lythgoe, the affable Brit super producer, does need a haircut as badly as Donald Trump does, BUT, this dude happens to be pretty spot on most of the time with his commentary. Plus, you'll totally dig watching the sexually charged, dopey back and forth repartee between him and MM (*yes I am totally convinced that these two are secretly in love with each other).

Then, of course, you have your rotating group of slick ass choreographers like Mia Michaels, Shane Sparks, Brian Freedman and Wade Robson (remember him, Brit?) who get these contestants to dance their freakin asses off week after week. Yo, these are the choreographers that work on the hottest new videos, award winning theater, and sold out concert tours...and not surprisingly, their routines usually Kick. Ass.

Plus, Cat Deeley is pretty cute too.

Be honest with yourself: are you really sticking by your story that you watch AI, week after week, and never fast forward through all the lame ass boring shit? I would wield my tivo remote like a weapon back in the days when I watched, and would prob FF through about 50% of that shit. During SYTYCD, I mostly use it to replay stuff that was so over the top fab, I've just gotta watch again.

Ok, so here's the deal: it doesn't matter if you've never been "into" dancing...or liked any other dance shows before. This show is the shiz, and that's a fact. I watch all sorts of stupid, lame ass TV and I'm also a card carrying Know It All, so my quals check out. SYTYCD is the kickest ass reality talent show on TV right now. Watch it. I mean it. If you don't love this show with a capital Hells Yeah, then please refer back to A and B above.

Good luck.

Dance dammit,
me