Heidi-n-Spencer Get Hitched

Dear Heidi-n-Spencer, *

Congrats.

For realzy.

See you again on June 16, 2009 when I publish this: "Heidi-n-Spencer R Dunzo!"

[yes people, I'm out on a limb here and predicting the *day* of the divorce announcement]

whatever,
m.e.

The Hills S4: 13 - (For Reals) Return Of The Stupid

Dear Everyone, ***

Annnnnd...... I'm back!

After my week long Obama-thon, I finally decided to return to the land of bla and check in with LC, Audy and Dumb-n-Dumber on The Hills.

During this ep, I experienced a broad range of emotional ups and downs: I laughed....I cried...I screamed, and finally, I stabbed myself in my motherfuckin eyeballs just to make it all stop.

Imagine having the following convo with one of your friends:

You: Yeah, so uhm...I'm thinking of quitting my job as a high paid NASA rocket scientist and going back to school to get my masters in poetry. The degree should only cost $150k or so and then I can be back in the job market! Poets are so happening right now. Also, uhm, I have about a millie to invest and I'm thinking of putting it all in sub-prime mortgages. I KNOW...everyone is dumping sub prime mortgages now, but that just means better deals pour moi! I'm goin all in, yo! Also, I think I'm gonna try smokin' crack tonight, cause like I've always really wanted to give it a whirl, ya know? I took my blood pressure pill this morn, so its all gonna be good in the hood.

Your Friend: Uhm, I'm not really sure that's such a good idea [insert your name]. I mean, things are pretty great for you now, and each of those ideas sounds stupider than the last.

You: Yeah, I know. I DO come up with great ideas, right!? I knew you'd support me.

Your Friend: [insert your name]! That's not what I said at all. You're making a huge mistake! Do not pass go, do not collect $200! You. Must. Chill.

You: I just knew you would be a friend for me! I'm so glad I decided to talk to you about all of this!

Right (now do you understand why LC has that fucking look on her face above?).

Ok, so the words might be a little different, but this *basically* sums up the convos that both Heidi AND Audy had at various points in the ep regarding the stupid, collosal mistakes they were each about to engage in.

Let's start with Heids. Her life as a fake event planner, finally caught up with her...and/or Brent Bolthouse woke up from his retarded dream that hooking his wagon to Heidi Montag was a smart thing to do. Bottom line: Heidi got fired after getting shitfaced at an event she was supposed to be running at some lame new LA hotspot. Also, she invited all her friends and encouraged them to get drunk too, and then to put a big fuckin cherry on the whole thing, she asked the owner of said lame LA hotspot if he wanted to do shots with her and her entire whack pack...or something like that.

The best part is, when Brent called her into his office the next day to confront her about her olympic-sized fuck up, she acted as if she didn't think it was a big deal. She was all "well, I just assumed that after I worked for a few mins, I deserved to unwind a bit with a Lemon Drop, 2 screwdrivers, a frozen margarita and 4 Jaeger shots. Was that not cool? [bat eyelashes]" And then Brent just stared at her for a minute and told her to pack up her shit. I am, obvs, convinced that this had a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y nothing to do with the fact that Heidi never really worked there in the first place....or that her fake employee status and her fake cubicle were taking up space in this dude's REAL office. The two are completely unrelated, of course.

Moving on to Audrina: after the totally touching and heart wrenchingly emotional speech that JustinBobby laid on Audrina last week (quick recap: "90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.") [a tear slowly rolls down my cheek], Audy decided it was a super smart idea to just go out and buy a house (that she likely can't afford), pretty much with the sole purpose of having a space where her and JB could create their own love nest.

I'm not kidding people. Her Kat Von D wannabe tatooed sister Casey called her on it and she pretty much admitted as much.

Flash forward to Audy's convo with JB about their presumptive upcoming co-habitation, and yet again JustinBobarino let loose with a baseball diamond sized gem after Audrina threw the possibility out on the table: [gawd forgive me cause I'm on a bus down to DC and I stupidly didn't write this shit down before I left, but its something along the lines of...] "Maybe....you know what? Let it happen, and just see what happens."

[the eyeball stabbing kicked in somewhere right around here].

Ok, so not ex-zactly the response Audy was looking for, but since JustinBob-b0b-iran had that chip implanted in her brain awhile back that he controls with a switch on his bike, he just flipped it and: POW! She left feeling like things were GREAT! And finally moving forward! And that spending a million dollars on a house in order to make her doomed relationship work was a really great idea after awl! Yay!

Also, Lo was back...double yay! I've really come full circle with her ass in recent weeks...espesh since she reminded us all in this ep that SHE was the one who invented the JustinBobby nickname way back when. That's some good shit, Lo.

Yet again, LC was barely in the action at all. Except to pout about Audy's move, of course.

My Tivo cut out again a full 3 mins before the ep ended so I'm not sure if there was anything else. And I didn't see the previews for next week. No, this is not the first time, and no I have yet to fix this.

A. I'm fucking pissed at MTV for always having their shows so off schedule. And,
B. I think I wear this badge of "I always miss the last few mins" as a possible sign that I am, in fact, making strives in my efforts to ban The Hills from my life once and 4 all. [ithinkican, ithinkican, YES WE CAN!].

the rest is still unwritten,
me.

The Hills S4: 13 - You Didn't Srsly Think I Was Going To Do A Fucking Post About The Hills On Election Day, Did You??

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I'm sorry but I really need to put my foot down.

Obvs, I know that I write a blog about celebs...and reality TV stars...and people whose existence on our planet is wholly unimportant to the day-to-day operations of our society as a whole.

I consider myself kinda smart, so I get that 99% of the shit I talk about here is unimportant in the grand scheme of things...and I'm pretty OK with that. I write DFA because I'm entertained by all of these people...and for some bizarro reason care about the comings and goings of their lives. You probably do too, or you would have already clicked your ass off to some other motherfuckin blog already.

However...on the morn of one of the most important fucking elections in our nation's history, even I have to draw a line. And I'm drawing it right fucking here: I simply c-a-n-n-o-t do a recap of The Hills. I CAN'T.

YES WE CAN! (no I can't).

I'm sorry (I really am) for the very, very few of you who actually give a shit about my Tuesday morn Hills recaps.

If Obama is, indeed, elected, I promise to catch up and post it sometime soon. I have a Tivo...I can make it happen.

If Obama is NOT elected, then I make no promises. I will likely be packing...and moving...and slitting my wrists-n-whatnot. I will be v. busy watching our nation unravel at the seams and with all the hellfire and damnation, I'm not sure I can comfortably promise to parse any more Spencer/Heidi convos or unravel yet another pathetic Audy/JustinBobby moment.

And yet, I acknowledge that I do feel responsible to all seventeen of you mofos who actually show your ass up here every day.

So let us leave it here:
*President Obama = DFA is all good in the hood and Hills recaps will begin again immediately; *President McCain = It's *really* been so nice getting to know you all! Peace, out, motherfuckers!

America, I leave it up to you.

let freedom ring,
me

The Hills S4: 12 - JustinBobby Has Planted A Chip In Audrina's Brain And Is Now Controlling Her Every Thought And Action With A Switch On His Bike

Dear Everyone, ***

This week's ep was sponsored by Brandy (did you buy her new album yet?) and the words "disappointment," and "retarded."

And, LO was back!

Of course no one mentioned that she's been MIA, and who knows if we'll ever see her again, but bitch made an appearance at Crown Bar and, I for one, was happy to see that she wasn't dead.

These rumors that LC is peacing out after this season are hella inneresting, b/c she's srsly been fading into the background quite a bit over the last few weeks. She barely had any face time this week at all and, honestly, I didn't even notice.

The big news, of course, is that Audrina and JustinBobby are together again. In order to win back her affections, JB gave one of the most touching, romantic speeches I've ever seen come across a dude's lips. Just thinking about it gets me all misty eyed.

I've transcribed it here for your viewing pleasure (NOTE: Audrina's responses have been redacted, because obvs they don't fucking matter at all):

Hi

How's it goin?

I've been thinkin about some of the things that happened in Cabo.

I didn't wanna be that guy...you know what I mean?

I think we have something special. I just think that to be in a relationship, you've kinda gotta be together?

We're a big catch 22.

90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.

I will pretty much always be there for you.

I want you to be with me

(cue make up sex).

I hope any boys who might be reading this right now are TOTALLY taking notes. In fact, you might just want to print this post out so you can use some of JustinBobby's moves on your own fly honey.

She Pratt paraded her new BF Cameron out in front of the gang, and was crushed when the dude didn't "take Brody aside" to read him the riot act for making her cry once 4 eps ago. Later on at lunch, Spencer and Heidi pointed out to Steph that this was actually a really great reason to break up with his ass and get back on track to being miserable just like they are.

I'm gonna go way out on a limb, bias and predict the action for next week (and this is after my Tivo cut off the last few mins of the ep, so I did not see a preview):
*JustinBobby and Audrina start having problems (again, again, again, again)
*She Pratt breaks up with Cameron
*LC and Brody flirt
*Spencer acts like a douche (Heidi doesn't notice)

Hey, that's kind of an interesting idea...maybe I'll recap the ep next week WITHOUT watching and see how close I am! (read: this is how fucking bored I am).

the rest is still unwritten,
me

The Hills S4: 11 - The Fall Of JustinBobby? (Yeah, Right)

Dear Everyone, ***

Honestly, I can't concentrate on a goddamn Hills related thing until someone can tell me where the fuck Lo is!? It's been like three weeks with ZERO mention of LO, and this shit is srsly pissing me off now!

Are you OK, LO? Do you need help? Money? WTF?? You missed a trip to Cabo!

In other sad news, I guess I just need to accept the fact that Audrina-n-JustinBobby are the Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love of The Hills, and be done with it (*yes I realize that I could make some sort of sick and twisted joke here, but even I don't have the strength). Also, when the hell did JB become friends with the Frankie and Brody and the gang? Like, I don't understand how his ass got invited to Cabo when Audy didn't want him there. Though I also don't understand why Audy didn't want him there since last week she was all taking off her bikini top in the pool, ignoring Corey and generally just being all "i'm in love with JB again-n-shit."

So, yeah...everyone went to Cabo for Brody's birthday. At last count I think 9 out of the 11 eps this season took place around someone's motherfuckin' birthday, so way to stay on point MTVers. And happy birthday, bra.

I was sooo waiting for that moment when Brody, et al were walking down the beach only to run into Spencer & Heidi who'd be all "Hey! What are you guys doing here! How funny that we just happened to end up in Cabo on the same weekend!," but as it turned out Speidi had bigger fish to fry in the the land of la.

Seems She Pratt is all cuddly and snuggly with her new BF Cameron and thought it would be a good idea to introduce this new dude to Spence-n-Heids. Raise your hand if you think that was a good idea...

(................)

Right.

Surprise surprise: Spence acted like a dick; Cameron hated him; and She Pratt was embarrassed.

Back down in Meh-he-ko, JustinBobby got all jel of Audrina in one of his usual "I don't give a shit about you until you start getting interested in someone else" emotional predator moments. He was playing all sorts of mind games with Dreens and bitch was crumbling faster than a house of cards. You could actually look at her face and almost see the tornado of confusion brewing in her sad, little brain over all this JustinBobbyness.

Thank gawd she had LC to talk her down from the ledge, but ZOMG, looks like next week she might be right back in JustinBobaritoville! Can you believe it!?

Yeah, me neether.

I really can't believe it at all.

the rest is still unwritten,
me

P.S. WHERE IS LO, MOTHERFUCKERS! If anoyone tracks down her whereabouts, please let me know immieds...

The Hills, S4: 10 - If Anyone Knows Of Like A 12-Step Program Or Something To Help Me Beat This Show, That Would Rock (Q: Who's NOT Kidding? A: Me)

Dear Everyone, ***

You know that friend you have? The one who is just always fucking stuff up for herself with guys no matter what? The minute something starts to go well: boom! She atom bombs it up?

Well, may I present to you: Audrina (former BFF of LC, current BFF of no one...particularly herself).

Also today's word of the day: SWIMMING POOL.

Here, I'll our use our new word in a sentence: "By the end of last night's episode of The Hills, it was really fucking irking me that every scene in last night's show was taking place in or around a swimming pool. I get it, MTV. These kids are rich and have lots of money and have nothing better to do than lounge around pools all the live long day. We're both on the same fucking page here, so drop it."

Moving on.

Surprise, surprise! In last night's ep of The Hills, Audrina's gone and wrecked herself before she's checked herself. The bitch's drug of choice?: JustinBobarito.

We've already established that Audrina is hot as shit, but man does she have some guy issues. And we're not talking your average, everyday run-of-the-mill self confidence sort of normal girl fare...this is way, way deeper.

Like, have you ever stepped on a piece of gum and then not noticed till you got home? And by then the gum is so disgusting on the bottom of your shoe, you're even a little wary to touch it with a paper towel to try to get it off?

Audrina = that gum.

She spent the entirety of the ep with this cute Australian dude named Corey who was sweet, and smiley and seemed to really dig her. They went on dates and went to a Malibu funhouse pool party and he even got an invite to Cabo cause "the gang" was lovin on him so much.

Audrina talked about how things with JustinBobby were going nowhere, and she was moving on, and done with all his bullshit and sooo happy to have run into Corey again and be with some guy who cared more about her than the lint in his pocket.

So, in order to celebrate her newfound lurv, she decided to fuck it all up epic-ly.

In srsly one of the creepiest moments I have ever peeped on The Hills (truly people...I was half expecting JB to take out a carving knife and give Audrina a "u r minez" tatoo while her blood dripped into the pool), Audy and JustinBobs were frolicking naked in the pool and talking about their future (well, their Cabo future at least).

Le sigh.

So, I guess they're TLF now again. Only JustinBobby doesn't love Audrina at awl, and if he does, its more of a manipulative sort of thing and certainly not "true," and he obvs has zero plans to be with her forever...but you get the picture.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the land of la: Heidi seems poised to kick her sis out to the curb cuz Spencer doesn't like when Holly's around during the day and he's all trying to concentrate on Centipede and watch porns-n-shit.

Also, I guess Spence was so desperate for human affection, he slummed it up and called She Pratt to come meet him and the coffee shop. She came, smiled at inappropriate moments, and had a deep fake meaningful ridiculous reunion with her little bro.

Absolutely nothing happened to LC. OH WAIT! Yes...she drank juice...and went to a party in Malibu with Whit.

I guess Lo died.

I mean, WTF? Where is she?? Was she replaced by Doug the Burrito King?

the rest is still unwritten,
me

The Hills, S4: 9 - Imagine That All Of The Brain Cells You've Lost Watching The Hills Weren't Really Lost

Dear Everyone, ***

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a place with beautiful swaying palm trees, gorgeous hotties, slick cars, sunshine and posh, overpriced stores...we'll call it the land of La. Now imagine that you live in this place with all of your bestest friends, and you all hang out all the time, do nothing but spend your mommy and daddy's money, and basically enjoy being the bestest of friends that best friends could be, cuz really: there is nothing like a best friend.

[keep your eyes closed]

Isn't that just beautiful?

[still keep em closed]

BFF's 4 Eva, right?

Now on the count of three, open up your eyes and look at straight at your computer monitor. Get in real close and don't look anywhere but here.

1.......2......and.....THREE:

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shit.

It wasn't all a dream after all.

Thus we have last night's deep, penetrating premise of an ep of The Hills: imagine if Heidi had never met Spencer.

Apropos of the end of the universe, John Lennon got us all to "Imagine" way back when, and Spencer Pratt is obvies the one to quash all "imagining" right in its friggin ball sack.

Indeed.

If Heidi had never met Spence then: LC and Heidi would still be BFF, Audrina would still be a no one sitting out by her pool, we would have no fucking clue who on earth Lo was b/c she would be totally un-needed for the story, Brody would either be LC's fiance or not in the pic at all, Doug would still be the burrioto king, Frankie would still be pointless, Whit would still be boring as all get out, and Holly would probs be the third BFF in LC and Heidi's BFF triumvirate.

Wowzers...now wonder Holly is so into this idea!

In other earth shattering developments: Audrina is not giving anyone else a chance...not even a hot little cutietard she met named Collin who was totally into buttering her buns. Nah, dawg...ya see she just wanted to talk about JustinBobby the whole night and she was really just going out with him to make JB jealous in the first place, so Collin was all: "fuck off, beyotch"...or something like that.

The best was, when Audrina goes to tell JustinBobby (in a roundabout way, mind you...this IS Audrina after all) that she went out on a date with some other dude but basically couldn't concentrate b/c she was obsessing over JB the whole time, JustinBobby, in some brilliant mind meld move, manages to turn the whole thing around into officially giving himself permission to date other bitches.

Totally. Fucking. Brilliant.

But in the biggest news of the fucking night, Heidi gave Dear Famous Asshole a shoutout!

YES, BITCHES...its true!

She wrote LC a letter! I mean, so its not technically an actual shoutout, but we write letters here...and she wrote a letter there on TV...and VP candidates now give shoutouts, soooo....yeah. Kinda!

Here's a transcript of the letter:

Lauren, **
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I'm so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things didn't turn out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Sincerely,
Heidi Montag

[sniff]

[Is anyone now thinking that Heidi is sort of better at stringing together sentences than Sarah Palin? Le sigh].

The whole thing was pretty sad...and was completely brought about becuz Heidi's sister Holly totally overstated LC's missingness of Heidi and made her feel like she had a snowball's chance in hell of mending her best friendship, when really she so didn't.

And we all know why. We all KNOW why Heidi and LC can never, ever, ever, never be BFF's again:

SPENCER.

[duh].

He's ruined everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He's ruined Heidi's life...he's ruined Holly's life (as it looks like she's about to get thrown out of their apt), he's ruined LC's life and taken away her BFF, he ruined Heidi's mom Darlene's life, he ruined Brody's life, Frankie's life and shit, probably Doug's life too. Oh yeah...and me. He's ruined my life as well.

So, yet again, we're here: Fuck you, Spencer. You're a stupid fucking fuck.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

The Hills, S4: 8 - 'I Don't Get Uncomfortable, My Dear'

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm pretty sure tonight was the single stupidest ep of The Hills in like the history of the universe.

I sort of feel like I say that every week, but I really mean it this time.

I think its pretty safe to say that when I'm actually missing Lo, things have gotten just about as bad as they can get.

I mean, I'm literally sitting here feeling bad for Stephanie....and for Heidi's mom Darlene...and for Holly...and even for fucking Heidi. And I hate allll of them.

Here's what happened in 140 characters or less (easily Twitter-able): Doug pretended like he didn't like Steph (probs after they fucked), and Heidi's mom Darlene came to visit to try to break Spence & Heidi up. Fini.

Of course Heidi defended her superdouche BF until she was blue in the face; and of course everyone threw ShePratt under a bus b/c she's the show's new martyr, and eventhough the whole thing was mos def her fault, she used to be a drug addict and she's caught in the middle of Speidi & LC's fight and she has no friends, and blah, blah, fucking blah.

She'll probably show up next week pregnant with Doug's little burrito baby...eventhough they just went out for dinner and coffee.

So anyway, the story is: Doug didn't really even want to be friends with Steph, but he felt bad for her b/c she's like a lost little puppy. So he responded to her late night booty texts really just to be nice...cause he has no interest in for real getting involved with a basket case like that. But LC is pissed anyway...and so is Brody...and Frankie is probs mad too just by osmosis.

Darlene went out to "talk things out" with Spencer and ended up getting bitchslapped for daring to give a shit about her daughter Heidi in the first place. Cause Heidi belongs to Spencer now, and if he doesn't give a shit about her, NO ONE CAN.

Also Doug, the Burrito King, had a pool party and splashed Lauren and Whit when he cannonballed into his pool. Which was, actually, kind of funny.

Anyway.

I srsly miss Lo...I'm not kidding.

the rest is still unwritten,
please help m.e.

The Hills, S4: 7 - Doug, Doug, Doug, DOUG, DOUG, Doug-N-More DOUG

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy fucking Christ, it's opposite day on The Hills!

Here's how it works: enemies are BFF's, BFF's are enemies, "couples" that hate each other love each other, minor characters on the show R all the sudden major. Get it???

Shit be crazy...shit be crazy, yo.

So, Lauren bounced off to Italy leaving all of her bitches to basically go fucking ballistic while she was busy eating gelato and fettucine alfredo...La Traviata, much?

I'd love to watch the ep again a second time and count the actual number of times that the word "Doug" is uttered by every single solitary Hillsian...because that is pretty much the only topic of conversation for the rest of the show.

So, yeah...Stephanie went on a date with Doug.

Yep, THE Doug.

Burrito King Doug.

Lauren's Doug.

The one she didn't like.

Yep, that one.

CALL THE FUCKING NY TIMES, PEOPLE!

Get Richard Branson on the line, because this shit needs to be written on a mother fucking scroll and launched into outer space in a tube so that from now until the end of time, people will come to truly KNOW the wrath that She Pratt has wrought upon the world by choosing to GO OUT TO DINNER WITH DOUG.

Le Sigh.

(Sidenote: I'm pretty sure that the fact that I'm still watching this show week after week is a definitive cry for help. I'm jus sayin).

So.

Stephanie went on a date with Doug. And though the earth didn't completely fold on its axis, the oceans didn't dry up and the hell fires were not rained down upon us all, they did run into Brody's mom. Which I guess is sorta the same thing. And she told everyone.

Game over, bitch.

Even if you know nothing at all about The Hills, you're probaby still aware of the fact that LC does NOT stand for this sort of behavior.

Spencer had his usu :30 second asshole cameo, and Lo and Audrina totally made out (metaphorically, at least).

JustinBobby wore a hat that said "Hooligans."

Shit's gettin' so whack, Whit doesn't even bother to show up anymore...I wish I had her strength.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

BREAKING: Audrina Bounces, Buh Bye Bitches

Dear Lo, *

Now you've gone and done it!

After one LOne season of your ass on The Hills, you've managed to turn practically the whole fuckin' thing upside down: Audrina has moved out!

Sheet.

The order of the universe exists for a reason, Lo...and you're messin' with dramz that you shouldn't be messin' with. Honestly, this is like a bigger upheaval than the unraveling of LC and Heidi's best friendedness. Or the dismantling of the Brody/Spencer Bromance.

And its all your fault!

Frankly, I don't even understand why you're there. Everyone has a purpose on that show except for you:

*LC is the perfect/pretty prom queen
*Heidi's the pathetic/emotionally abused vixen
*Whitney is the boring/together professional
*Audrina is the hot/stupid sexpot

Who the fuck are you, Lo???

I'll tell you who: you're the BITCH, bitch.

And once and for all, can you tell me WTF is up with those side bangs?! And do you even have a godammed job??

Everything was peaches and cream before you came around...fuckin, peaches and cream, yo. Lo.

I blame you entirely.

Jus sayin.

No one else can feel it for you,
me

The Hills, S4: 6 - 'You Always Miss A Best Friend'

Dear Everyone, ***

In an ironic twist of fate, yesterday was ACTUALLY Heidi's for realz bday. And to celebrate, the producers of The Hills threw a totally fake party for some douche-tastic Maroon Five ripoff band called The White Tie Affair....but Heidi wasn't even invited!

This is after we had an entire ep about Audrina's bday...AND an entire ep about ShePratt's bday...and even an entire fucking ep about Brody's birthday! (or was it Frankie..whatev, you catch my drift).

So rude!

Anyway.

The majority of tonight's action centered around this fake party:
*First Audrina got some fake responsibility when she was tasked with inviting 250 hiptards to this fake non-event.

*Then Lo and Lauren (and ShePratt) faked their own interest in attending the fake party.

*JustinBobby faked giving a shit about Audrina when he agreed to meet her ass at the fake party.

*Then White Tie faked a killer performance for a real crowd of totally disinterested people at their fake party.

*The party crowd faked giving a shit about White Tie as 10 particularly ambitious crowd members actually threw their hands in the air and waved 'em around like they just didn't care.

*Then LC, Lo and ShePratt faked actually enjoying themselves and faked being proud of Audrina for finally, kind of accomplishing something...even if that something was pretending to put together a totally fake party.

*Then JustinBobby didn't show, which obvies means his love for Audrina = totally and completely fake.

Our "B" story (and by "B" I mean totally fucking boring) involved Heidi's sister Holly taking a page out of the Stephanie Pratt Guide 2 Life and inviting her out to lunch for a little grrrl talk.

Again we're treated to a deep and meaningful conversation about best friends when Heidi relays her friendship heartbreak woes to some bitch she works with...cause like it's really, really hard to lose a best friend. And like its just all so sad when one minute you have a best friend, and then there's a little bit of fighting, but there were still like years and years of best friendedness. And like where do all of those best friend feelings go?

So.

So.

Sad.

Le Sigh.

Sidenote Heid: lose that beret...you look like Blair Waldorf threw up all over you.

I'm happy to confirm that Spencer Pratt's screentime has been reduced to approx :30 per ep.

I'm pretty positive this is the director's one and only note for Spence: "can you give me waaay more douche, dude?" Of course he fuckin delivers week after week after week...what a champ.

It looks like next week, the Pratt camp house of cards comes a tumblin down when ShePratt shows her true colors and tries to steal that guy with the private jet who LC dumped and totally doesn't give a shit about...unless/until one of her other friends does. Then she cares a LOT.

Say goodbye to yet another best friend, Lauren.

Oh. My Gaaah.

the rest is still unwritten,
me

The Hills, S4: 4 - Vegas Is My Homeboy

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I caught up on this ep and though I covered most of it in last night's recap, I have a few choice thoughts to share.

1. I think my fave scene all season HAD to be when Spencer got into his car, drove over to Heidi's place of employment, called her ass on his celly, made her march her ass downstairs to the parking lot, and then proceeded to whine and complain to her about how her sister erased 3 ENTIRE shows of his off of Tivo! FUCKING TIVO! L-o-v-e-d that shit like a fat kid loves cake. Rawk on with yo bad self, Spence. Gawd do they have an awesome relationship.
   
2. Brody made She Pratt cry! AWESOME!
3. LC broke up with a dude with a private fucking jet!?
   

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

The Hills, S4: 5 - 'You're Not The Bad Guy Here'

Dear Everyone, ***

First of all, I suck.

In all of the buzz about Russell Brand, Britney, the not-to-be-missed VMA's, blah, blah, blah, not once did I see an ad for the super secret pre-VMA Hills ep...WTF, people??

And so I missed the whole fuckin thing.

Tivo has been set and I will catch up, but as of now I'm relying on my 3 minute "Last week on the Hills" recap at the beginning of the show.

And surprise surprise, nothing fucking happened. Except that LC and Lo, bored with the LA setting of their ongoing Audrina tension, decided to switch it up and move the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of it all to Vegas. Cuil!

First off, my hat's off to Lady Gaga's PR people. I don't know a fucking thing about this woman, but after enduring her painful presence on an ep of So You Think You Can Dance this summer in which she was wearing a very high cut leotard, here she is again on the motherfucking Hills. Bravo people...for reals.

My continually evolving hatred for Spencer and wish for harm upon him and his family is prompting me to think I might need to be in therapy. Srsly...its gotten that bad.

Like the passive/agressive douchetard that he is, he somehow manipulates Heidi's sister Holly into asking him about Heidi's feelings and then tells the (admittedly) dumbass ho that Heidi is just sittin around all day talking about how she wants her to move out of their apt. Mind you this is after approximately 48 hours of co-habitation.

Holly then storms her ass out of there and when Heidi comes home wondering where dear ole sis is, Spencer acts like he has no fucking clue. Like that shit never even happened.

But because this show is fake, fake, fake, obvies Heidi knows that something happened and so she proceeds to have the ONLY sort of interaction she and Spencer have with one another these days: a fight.

Elsewhere in the land of la, LC is still just wrecked over the state of affairs with her former (but maybe still if she can rescue things) BFF Audrina [FYI, its REALLY HARD to lose a best friend, people, and LC knows this all too well from her first-hand experience with Heidi].

Despite the fact that the producers forced Lauren to be friends with Audrina way back when becuz she was hott, and liked to prance around in bikinis, and that's how it works on The Hills, it doesn't mean that she has not since developed real and true BFF feelings for the bitch. And that shit hurts when its not right.

I mean, if you take the second "F" out of "BFF" you may as well just be an "F," and like what the fuck is the point of that??

So after a build-up that was so tension-filled I was unsure if Jack Bauer was gonna jump his ass out from LC's closet, these two bitches FINALLY have a heart-to-heart and talk shit out.

Of course Audrina ends up looking like the biggest moron to ever hit my flatscreen...and of course there is crying...and of course no one is wearing waterproof mascara, BUT LC and Audrina call a detente and everyone is now BFF Again!!! (except Lo and Audrina who still hate each other and will forever).

Anyway.

As Whitney says, "Yay!"

In other news:
*Lo's still rockin' her side part
*Frankie, Brody & Doug went to "casino jail" in Vegas
*Whit is getting more responsibility at work from Kelly Cutrone
*And I still want to cut myself for tuning into this motherfucking show every week

the rest is still unwritten,
me

The Hills, S4:3 - 'Wanna Talk About Us Gettin Naked?'

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, three weeks in and I'm already completely fucking bored:

*Lauren and Steph are still fake BFF's and clearly, everyone is gearing up for the inevitable moment when She Pratt shows her she fangs and takes a bite out of Lauren's face.
*Kelly Cutrone thinks hooking Whit up with a cute NYC boy will make her dig New York more (duh).
*Spencer is still a dick...and is still pissed at Stephanie for not running LC over with her car.
*LC is over Doug...even though she was never really into him. And is still flirting with Brody
*Audrina & Lo were MIA.

And, like that's it.

No, really.

That was the whole fucking show.

S-n-o-r-e.

"the rest is still unwritten,"
me

Heidi Montag's 'Overdosin' Video Makes My Eyeballs Bleed

Dear Heidi, *

Fuck it.

You've won.

I totally give up.

Kill,
m.e.

The Hills, S4:2 - 'It's Like Trying To Tell Iran And Israel To Get Along'

Dear Everyone, ***

Oh MY GAH, Bitches...Happy bday Steph!

I can't wait till its LC's bday next week...and then like Whitney's the week after that...and then Heidi's...and then Doug's. How the fuck does someone have a birthday every fucking week on this motherfucking show?

Sheet.

Top Developments:

• After LC totally ignored Doug's ass last week at Audrina's bday party, they've since totally taken things to the next level and are now like TLF.
• Kelly Cutrone literally looks like "Night of the Living Dead."
  
• Lo and Audrina are still like mortal fucking frenemies (and Lo is still rockin' the side bangs like nobody's biz).

Best fucking moment of the ep: Spencer & Heidi walking into She Pratt's burfday party with a dozen freaking helium balloons as everyone else looks on in sheer terror.

Needless to say, no one was happy to see their asses...including the birthday gurl.

So, first Brody and Frankie bounce...then LC and Skee LO bounce...and then there were three.

The next day Spencer lays it all on the line and tells Stephanie that its LC or him. Also he drops this little gem right on She Pratt's motherfucking face: "I can't make you "un" my sister."

Whoa. I'm t-o-t-a-l-l-y stealing that.

That weird bitch Jessica got fired from People's Revolution, so now Whit is poised to take over the universe. Go, Whit!

And r'uh r'oh. She Pratt promised LC that Speidi were not gonna come to her bday, and then they DID! So like maybe she shouldn't be trusted?

I don't know!?...and neither does LC.

GAHHHH!

"the rest is still unwritten,"
me

It's Official: Chad From Bravo's 'Million Dollar Listing' Is Like A Way Bigger Douche Than Spencer Pratt Could Ever Hope 2 Be

Dear Chad from Million Dollar Listing, *

I owe you a huge, Portobello mushroom-sized thank you! A Shitaki, kawasaki Merci! A Porcini Fellini grande Gracias!

Here's why: for the first time in the history of my ongoing obsession with reality TV, I've F-I-N-A-L-L-Y found a dude that I hate more than Spencer from The Hills...and its YOU!!

YAY!!

This has sort of been like a major development in my little corner of the dub dub dub, so true confessions: its kind of exciting!

I mean, I've already invested quite a bit of time in my Spencer Pratt hatred, but even with the premiere of the new season of The Hills last week, it's still been feeling a bit stale lately. Like, we just haven't been connecting the same way we used to.

And that's why, just a few minutes into the Million Dollar Listing premiere a few weeks ago, I knew that you and I would have something rully, rully special goin' on.

Of course, I'm not the first one to notice that you're a totally colossal douche (and something tells me, I won't be the last, LOL!), but still it feels exhilirating and brand new in like a really meaningful sort of a way, ya know?

So, in an effort to just get everything out on the table, here are my top 5 fave things about you that I love to hate:

1. Your manorexia & fake spirituality - This extra video footage from Bravo.com was like hitting fucking paydirt! We learned that you go to Erewhon in LA to "chill out" at the Chinese Elixir Bar with "Mr. Truth" (uhm, Erewhon is a supermarket for anyone whose never been to LA), and also that you did the Master Cleanse for 50 days last year. Five Oh!? For 50 days you "ate" nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Oh, uhm, but NOT for weight loss...it was all about your spiritual journey! LOVE
2. Your hair - Duh. You've got a freaking mushroom cloud that could give Nagasaki a run for its money, yo. And perhaps my fave scene thus far came in ep two when your own hairdresser was like "dude...you kinda look like a moron." And you were all "nah, nah, bro...this is how we're gonna work it." Then you grabbed the hairspray and went to town and, like all was good in the hood again. One Love.
3. Your idiotic "gorgeous" girlfriend - Cause, uhm, it's like pretty obvs that you're totally gay. And that girl is like what, 16? And your obvies just dating her so that you can sneak into the bathroom and use her make-up-n-shit.
4. Your Daddy Issues - Waaa, Waaa, "my daddy never loved me, blah, blah"...SHUT IT. "I do all of this in an effort to seek his approval." Awww (cue the violins). Poor widdle bitty Chaddy cakes :(
5. Your insane and uncontollable jealousy toward Josh Flagg - Now, don't get me wrong, Josh Flagg seems like quite a douchtard himself. But also he's only 21, AND unlike you, at least exhibits some occasional moments of intelligence (i.e. how he confessed that he likes to work all his gram's rich friends for listings when they die). Your whole "Ron Richards" ridiculousness when you refused to show J Flagg the condo was so over the top pathetic, I literally had to be held back from spitting at my flatscreen. Like, literally.

So as you can see, Chad, I pretty much hate your ass more than Jessica Simpson hates Carrie Underwood right now.

And, boy does it feel good.

Your Bu,
me

Heidi Montag, No One Has EVER, In Like The History of Ever, Made 'Overdosin' Look So Good

Dear Heidi, *

I do not have very sophisticated musical taste.

In fact, I've often been accused of having the the musical predilection of a 15-year-old girl.

I love Justin Timberlake and Mariah.

Nelly Furtado (new Nelly, not the old crap).

I like that Katy Perry Song...and kinda don't hate the new Jonas Brothers album.

Oh, and as the ultimate proof that my taste is absolute shit, I present you with the following: SoulDecision.

I'm 1000% postive that no one is gonna remember these guys, but they were in the original crop of boy bands that came out way back when boy bands were this groundbreaking fucking idea for all of us. These dudes looked like they were in their mid thirties, so I'm not even sure how they slipped in under the radar, but they wrote their own music and played their own instruments and I LOVED the shit out them regardless.

My fave song of theirs was "Faded," and I just dialed it up on youtube for kicks.

Newsflash: I STILL TOTALLY LOVE IT.

So, yeah. My taste in music pretty much sucks Flavor Flav's hairy dick.

The take away from all this, Heidi, is that the bar has already been set really, really low. Shit barely needs to register in my brain as "song," before I mindlessly give it my shining stamp of approval and download it from itunes.

True, I totally hated your first two songs and think that every guitar, piano and drum set in existence should have a restraining order against your ass, but after reading about how offensively horrific your new track "Overdosin" was alllll over the internets for the past couple of days, I was almost beginning to doubt that it could actually be as bad as everyone said it was.

Cause everyone HATES it. I mean, you've got all sorts of peeps with all sorts of varying opinions all agreeing on one thing: this song should be murdered.

So, finally I broke down and listened to it myself.

And,well....everyone was totally fucking right.

"just sing....sing a song.",
m.e.

The Hills Premiere, S4:1 - 'Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,' Bias

Dear Everyone, ***

We will sooo never be friends, bitches, but I'm gonna break this shit down for you anyway because that's how I roll.

So, obvs a Happy Birthday, Audrina is way overdue.

I LOVED how the pink mohawk, weirdly pierced, hipster crew invaded LC's Bev Hills bungalow for this totally insincere party that LC (and Lo?) threw for her. You just know that Audrina was out on Melrose a few hours before, rounding up weirdos by the dozens to come over just so she could freak LC and Lo's asses out. She probably didn't even know any of those people.

I think one of my fave things about this show, and like def something that keeps me coming back, is that there are constantly these moments that take place where the girl's reactions are completely confusing and mind bending based upon the action we just saw.

Case in point: the moment (at 2:52 above) during Audrina's faux bday party when Lo asks Audrina who she invited, and after a JustinBobby shout out Lo says: "welll...we're just gonna have to enjoy the company that comes." Both Audrina and LC proceed to have this like 30 second reaction where they stare her down and give her the evil eye. Audrina storms out and LC continues to give her the stink eye for an add'l 10 seconds or so.

I refuse to believe that I'm too fucking stupid to understand the multi-layered inner workings of The Hills, so can someone please explain to me WTF all that meant? Both those bitches reacted as if Lo had said "well, you're a low down dirty whore and I can't believe that anyone would actually be friends with you," or "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death...fuck you AND your birthday" Hello!? What was that??

Doug, LC's new BF, was also fan-fucking-tastic! I loved how Lauren was so concerned about not having enough time to "catch up on FOUR YEARS!!" over dinner and then completely ignored him at Audrina's bday party...the one she had gone out of her way to invite him to...and claimed that she knew no one at. Yeah, that one.

The best of the best of the ep, tho, was clearly at the very end when Lo, per LC's very clear instructions, went to confront Audrina and "smooth things out" between them. In actuality, she acted like a whiny little c u next Tuesday, and passive agressively prompted Mz. Audrina into finally bursting out with: "we're never gonna be friends!" Lo scampered away with her tail between her legs, and I squealed with glee. Audrina 1, Lo Nada.

Spencer and Heidi were also in rare form, as per u. Heidi's sister looks poised to present us all with a whole nother level of ridiculous Speid-eriffic mayhem as she makes plans for her totally spontaneous move to LA (which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with the fact that said move to LA would ensure her ass a bit part on her pathetic sister's MTV reality show).

As for spencer, he can just go suck it. I'm not even wasting any add'l keystrokes on the King of all Douches, except to say: "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death."

JK, Spence.

Sort of.

"the rest is still unwritten,"

me

Please, For The Love Of Gawd, Break Up With My Brain, Heidi Montag

Dear Heidi, *

So, I've been thinking about you ever since all this bullshit dropped a couple of weeks ago over the fact that your ass made it onto Jeapordy. Like you were the answer to a Jeapordy question. YES...Alex Trebek Jeapordy...the real motherfucking Jeapordy.

Wow.

Ok. Well, my take away was this: Al Gore is right; we are in a crisis shituation (...and I need HELP).

Talk to my ass about the ozone layer and recycling and carbon offsets and all that shit...I get it...I really do. I drink 6 to 8 cans of diet coke every day and every single one of those motherfuckers gets recycled. But, I've said it before: the REAL, for really real shit that we alll need to be concerned about is you.

You are currently surfing: the airwaves, the radiowaves, the gossip rag waves, the policital/election soundbyte waves, the Christian religious right waves, the fashion industry/mall tour waves, and now the TV trivia gameshow waves (!?). I've got a through the roof tolerance level for whiny, annoying, Dlist celebrity douches, and even I can't handle the site of your ass anymore.

And yet here I am...RIGHT AT THIS VERY SECOND (type, type, click, click) writing about you on my blog.

I hate you...and yet I can't stop.

It makes me want to barf that people are paying so much goddamned attention to you...and yet I AM paying so much goddmaned attention to you right fucking now with this missive about how much you annoy the living shit out of me.

(Help. Me. Please.)

Le sigh.

And now the latest is that you've come out and said that you would really like to collab with Britney Spears or Madonna in the future. You know, after your musical career continues to sky rocket and you...I don't know, win a fucking Grammy or something.

BUT you know what the craziest thing is about all of this bullshit!? I can kinda maybe see it happening--THAT's the motherfucking scary part. Like, I can maybe, possibly envision the fact that you could collaborate with Britney at some point.

Like why the fuck not?

So, what am I suppos'd to do with all this information, Heidi-HO? Really? Where am I supposed to put it? How do I process this shit, because like, there is no room left in my brain for it.

I'm all out of ideas.

Yo, Spencer,
me