Despite Your Best Efforts, Denise Richards, People Still Think of You As A W-H-O-R-E

Dear Denise, *

Phew! Three eps down and shit is still feelin' real complicated up in here!

For example, here's a complicated question that I'm guessing we all struggled with during Sunday night's show-tactular: if you're trying to reinvent your image from that of a hooker skeez-bot into a sweet, brownie baking, pig-ownin' mom next door, why the fuck did you need to hear a "NO" from 17 different people (ranging from your father to your airbrush spray tan artist) regarding the fact that you should not be photographed spread eagled, with a staple in your snatch across the pages of Playboy?

Wait, here's another realll complicated joint, DeRich: why the h-e-double hockey sticks are you parading around your poor, widowed father in his freakin tighty whities, gettin his ass spray tanned, waxing his man parts and basically making him look like more of a wanker than he already looks like for simply just being your dad?

And, why, why, oh why, did you dress up like Cynthia' Nixon's boy girlfriend at a 7th grade dance for that ridiculously staged, and painfully unfruitful meet and greet with producer Joel Silver? I mean, are you trying to make things MORE COMPLICATED than they already are??

Whew, is everyone still with me? Anyone need a minute to deconstruct all of those persnickity multi-layered complications?

Finally, just because you asked, you should be aware of the following:

• Doing the cover of Shape only made you seem about 3% less S-L-U-T-T-Y in the consciousness of the public at large
• Yes, we all still very much think of you as a W-H-O-R-E even though you didn't do Playboy
  
• Spelling skanky words is F-U-N!
  
• Sadly, your kids are doomed

Anyway, have a great week! I look forward to catching up with the speeding trainwreck of your career next Sun!

D-I-S-A-P-P-E-A-R P-L-E-A-S-E,
me

Denise Richards is So Complicated You Probably Won't Even Understand Any of This, You Idiot

Dear Denise, *

I must confess: based on the title of your new reality show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, I was a bit concerned that I'd have some difficulty following the action. Always up for a challenge, I decided to take my preparation seriously, so, I reread my college calculus text book, boned up on the current state of the Middle East crisis and learned a few conversational phrases in Swahili in the hopes that this would help me muddle through the ep.

Well, I'm sorry to report that all of my studying didn't help at all! I've watched your entire show three times now and, dangit all to heck, I'm still having trouble following the storyline.

As best I can piece things together, it seems like: you're unemployed, not interested in dating, semi-abusive toward your personal assistant(s), a questionable role model for your children, and unable to read simple instructions regarding the required documentation to get your name changed. OH yeah...and you're also "attracted to hot sexy guys with big dicks"--so there's that.

It's nice to see that you're an animal lover and all, and I wish you much success in mating your pigs, but uhm...I was so bored off my ass about ten minutes into your show, the only thing that was "complicated" about this whole thing was the formula by which some network suit at E! calculated that anyone who was not mentally challenged would be interested in watching this drek.

At this point, I have no choice but to assume that Heather Locklear and Charlie-cakes are probably right about hating your guts.

Looking forward to no further "complications,"
m.e.