Sarah Palin Is A PC, Obama Is A Mac...Does This Help Y'All Understand The Election Results A Little Better?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

Wow, I really thought that my haterade hard on for you was already at full mast being that I disagree with every religious, philosophical, political and theoretical idea you have ever shared.

But this last thing...THIS is the thing that confirms that u-n-me can never ever be an item.

While everyone was gawking at your short shorts the other day at the Republican Governor's Conference in Miami, Geeksugar was scoping out the fact that you are, something far worse than a whore-y, soul sucking moron: very predictably, you are a PC (duh).

True, this fact could have been called from miles and miles away from the comfort of an amply stocked with semi-automatic machinery moose hunting helicopter, but still...it was nice to have official pics or it didn't happen confirmation.

Anyway, obvies I am a mac.

Just as you believe strongly in a Creationist theory of the universe, I believe strongly in this.

In summary, stay true to your PCness, Sarah...really. It's incredibly helpful in allowing me to continue to easily sub categorize the world. I'm sure someone already told you that anyone who uses a mac is either: gay, Jewish, a gotcha media journalist, an elite (i.e. the dude who actually got elected Prez), or all of the above, so you really don't want to mix it up with any of those mofos.

Also I hear Putin is a mac (!).

Vista or bust,
m.e.

p.s. You sooo should have worn a bikini. You for srs squandered that media opp.

Miley Cyrus WILL Definitively Turn Your Sweet Angel Little Girls Into Junior Tranny Hookers, Mr. President Elect. I Assure You

Dear President Elect Barack Obama, ***

I understand that your adorable, light of your life, cute overload dot com daughters Malia-n-Sasha have been invited to do a guest spot on Hannah Montana with Miley Cyrus.

WHOA.

Ok, hold the fucking phone right there.

I'm sure you and Michelle are way on top of this sitch, and I really don't mean to interfere, but I can't help but offer up my own take on the shituation which is: NO, no, nowayjose, a thousand times N O , n'uh uh. NO.

In case you are not convinced that this is the worst idea in the history of the universe, I offer you up the following as proof:





And *just* in case that doesn't like totally convince you, here's one more snap of another famous chick who ALSO has her own tween TV show:

This idea is worse than asking Sarah Palin to be the newly appointed Ambassador to Russia...worse than choosing a pitpubull that hasn't been fixed and likes to hump everyone as your white house pet...worse than Heidi Montag supporting you as a candidate; in other words = catastrophe of epic proportions.

Fuck the first 100 days...this shit is your real priority.

I vote "NO" on a Hannah Montana appearance.

my country tis of thee,
m.e.

If The Secret Service Ever Gave Me A Codename, I'd Want It To Be Sassafrass...Or Fandango

Dear Jew Scum Media "Gotcha" Journalists, ***

While I enjoyed the hell out of learning that the Obama family has the coolest code names in the double secret CIA history of the universe (Barack Obama = Renegade; Michelle Obama = Renaissance; Malia Obama = Radiance; Sasha Obama = Rosebud), doesn't this, uhm, DEFEAT THE WHOLE FUCKING PURPOSE OF PROTECTING THEM??

Hai, Mr. crazy, psychopath terrorist!

In case you are looking to maime/hurt/spit on/scream expletives at any members of the first family, just print out this little crib sheet and follow around any ole Secret Service agent to pin down their location. It's like your very own GPS!

Please tell me these names were released because they now get NEW names?

WTF?,
m.e.

Down Is Up, Up Is Down, And For One Shining Moment Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Act Like A Whiny Fucking Bitch

Dear Everyone, ***

As if the fact that we elected a smart, BLACK, anti-war, elite, Jew scum loving President isn't evidence enough, I'm here to tell you that the whole fuckin world has been turned upside down.

Shit be C-R-A-Z-Y, yo!

I submit the following as direct evidence of the afore mentioned:

1. Steve Guttenberg went jogging naked in Central Park - Ok, maybe this *is* a prank, but even still! And also, I kinda think that this is for reals. Like "the Goot" just got sick and tired of having to adhere to societal standards of wearing shorts on his runs. The wedgies and chafing was just too damn much for him, and he reached his breaking point with this pantsless jog which was, thankfully, caught on tape. He was like that dude on Network or Michael Douglas in that Falling Down movie where he just abandons his car in the middle of rush hour traffic one night. NO SHORTS, world! I jog commando!

2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck spoke...and I didn't want to punch her in her motherfucking face - I'm a big girl, and so I can give props when props R due: Elizabitch, you really did give a lovely concession speech yesterday. And, also I was very touched by the fact that she didn't get her daughter Grace all snaggled up in her web of Republican bullshit when she had a prime opp to do so. I've never seen her act like a non-annoying, non-whiny normal human being before, so it was quite a sight to behold (AND further proof, of course, that the world has gone batshit crazy).

3. I received a "tweet" from my new President - Say what you will about everyone embracing technology, grandmas texting, blah, blah, blah. It's still pretty fucking cool that our new Prez "solid as" Barack Obama had a campaign strategy that included communicating with his supporters via: phone, text, email, Twitter, Facebook, and the regular ole dub dub dub. That's never happened before. Then yesterday, I received the above message on Twitter. I mean, come on! I don't care if the dude had no fucking clue it was happening...and never was like "Srsly, people! We MUST get a tweet out on Twitter NOOOOOW." His ass was smart enough to hire someone on his team who did...and does.

4. Some moron changed his name from Garratt to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined - Yes, I am serious. And no, there are no words.

5. Spaghetti Cat was on Desperate Housewives! - Right, like Edie hangs out on youtube. I mean, I guess some could argue that this isn't exactly batshit crazy, but I'm more amazed by the notion that fucking Spaghetti Cat is now a superstar international celebrity playboy.

And finally, as the ultimate evidence that things are insane in the membrane CRAZY: Michelle Obama, our new first lady and my SYTYCD partner-in-crime, chose to wear THIS dress to her husband's victory speech...in front of the whole fucking world...on election night:

ZOMG.

If that shit doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

This is a new America, people...and I fucking LOVE it!

power to the people,
m.e.

Dear America, *** YES WE CAN! Jus Sayin, Me (We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming)

JUST FUCKING VOTE!!!!

Dear Everyone, ***

This is a really, really, really important day. Like R-E-A-L-L-Y fucking important.

This day is gonna be epic. It's gonna be legendary.

It's gonna be talked about for years and years to come.

Can you hang?

Are you down? Are you gonna step up to the plate?

Or R you gonna sit on the sidelines like some monkey fucker douchetard?

Cause here's the thing: if you don't vote, you can't be a part of it all...you've got no stake...and quite simply: you suck.

It really IS just that cut and dry.

You've got to haul your ass out to the polls today. You have GOTS to vote. You've GOTTA DO IT. No if, ands, or buts motherfuckers.

Here's why:

1. BITCHING - If you don't vote, you can't complain and/or whine like a little fucking bitch. You really wanna give up that privilege?
2. PUSSY - If you vote, you will get laid. Srsly....I'm not kidding. Your ass is gonna be on line for hours...you could pick up some serious fly honey action if you bring your A game. Get some numbers. Work it...its gonna be a target rich environment.
3. HOOKY - Do you like going to work? Didn't fucking think so. If there just "happens" to be "reallllly long lines" at the poll, and your ass shows up late, oh wells!
4. STICKERS - Who wants an "I voted" sticker!? [raises hand].

Also, we live in a democracy, yo. And like it or not, this shit is important.

AND, if we have any hope of getting Barack Obama elected...turning this country around...and getting our asses back on the yellow brick road, it's even more important than ever.

YOU.

MUST.

BARACK.

THE.

VOTE.

Some tips:

*If you live in New York state and are unsure where you need to go to vote, look yourself up here on the Board of Elections site. I'm voting early tomorrow morn at P.S. 321 in Park Slope, Brooklyn. See you there, motherfuckers!

*If you live in any other part of the country, check out Google's handy dandy polling map which will fill you in on who, what, where and when (today, bias!) you can go to Rock the vote.

*While you are Baracking, you should video your election day experience and post it on Video Your Vote's youtube page.

*The NY Times is asking you to post pics of yourself at your polling place and take part in "the largest online archive of election photographs taken by citizens across the U.S."

*NY Mag is looking for personal photos and/or self portraits documenting your election day experiences. Send pics with caption info by 4pm tomorrow to: election@nymag.com.

*Do you Twitter? (I do). If so, "tweet" your election day experience with the #votereport hashtag so that others can follow.

*Leave a comment here, yo! Tell me about what went down...the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanna hear allll the juicy lowdown.

*After you vote, there are loads of fab places you could go hang out on election night to watch the results. I'll probs be too damn nervous to go to any of em.

So, in summary: VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

kthxbye,
me.

The Hills S4: 13 - You Didn't Srsly Think I Was Going To Do A Fucking Post About The Hills On Election Day, Did You??

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I'm sorry but I really need to put my foot down.

Obvs, I know that I write a blog about celebs...and reality TV stars...and people whose existence on our planet is wholly unimportant to the day-to-day operations of our society as a whole.

I consider myself kinda smart, so I get that 99% of the shit I talk about here is unimportant in the grand scheme of things...and I'm pretty OK with that. I write DFA because I'm entertained by all of these people...and for some bizarro reason care about the comings and goings of their lives. You probably do too, or you would have already clicked your ass off to some other motherfuckin blog already.

However...on the morn of one of the most important fucking elections in our nation's history, even I have to draw a line. And I'm drawing it right fucking here: I simply c-a-n-n-o-t do a recap of The Hills. I CAN'T.

YES WE CAN! (no I can't).

I'm sorry (I really am) for the very, very few of you who actually give a shit about my Tuesday morn Hills recaps.

If Obama is, indeed, elected, I promise to catch up and post it sometime soon. I have a Tivo...I can make it happen.

If Obama is NOT elected, then I make no promises. I will likely be packing...and moving...and slitting my wrists-n-whatnot. I will be v. busy watching our nation unravel at the seams and with all the hellfire and damnation, I'm not sure I can comfortably promise to parse any more Spencer/Heidi convos or unravel yet another pathetic Audy/JustinBobby moment.

And yet, I acknowledge that I do feel responsible to all seventeen of you mofos who actually show your ass up here every day.

So let us leave it here:
*President Obama = DFA is all good in the hood and Hills recaps will begin again immediately; *President McCain = It's *really* been so nice getting to know you all! Peace, out, motherfuckers!

America, I leave it up to you.

let freedom ring,
me

Me-N-CNN, TLF? Everything Is Very Up In The Air Right Now, Unfortch

Dear CNN,***

I'm a fucking wreck.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm gonna have a goddammed heart attack. Like, I *literally* feel the muscles around my heart have tightened up, and my pulse is racing for no reason whatsoever, and I'm breathing heavily-n-shit...aside from all that election dramz, I'm freaking out about you and me.

Like what's gonna happen to us on Weds? Is there even gonna be an "us" on Weds?

For months now, you and me have been going steady. Sure, you courted me with Anderson Cooper at first, but that was really just the beginning. Campbell Brown gave me her varsity sweater, and David Gergen....don't even get me started about David Gergen. In my deepest, darkest moments, its David Gergen's voice that brings me comfort and solace, dear lord our gawd.

Over the last month, espesh, you and I have been srsly hot-n-heavy. I mean, you're the first thing I think about when I wake up (hello, American Morning!) and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (what up, Larry King!). I have dreams about you (Campbell Brown and Lou Dobbs at the dentist...don't ask) and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go watch the election returns at a bar on Tues night, my first response was "what if they're not watching CNN!? We can't risk it!"

I didn't mind at all when John King (your electoral map guy) said he wasn't so good at math, and I don't even give a shit that Roland Martin always looks like he smoked a spliff in the green room before his pundit appearances (High Times, my brotha!). And "Wolf Blitzer?"... its just so much fucking fun to say: BLITZERBLITZERBLITZER.

You ARE the best political team on television, yo!

I know, (just *KNOW*) that the both of us are sitting around waiting/hoping/praying/crossing our fingers that Obama brings it on Tues, (YES WE CAN!), but what then?? I mean, sure our nation will finally be free of a Republican/Bush stranglehold, may actually get out of this financial crisis, be poised to end the war in Iraq and will be working toward getting every man, woman and child healthcare insurance, but WHAT ABOUT U-N-ME????

Am I goin straight back to Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Hills and Rock of Love: Charm School?? Do I have to give Campbell brown back her cardigan?? Will Anderson Cooper's foxy, silver coiff stop showing up on my flatscreen? Are we just done?

Are you even thinking about this stuff too???

Le sigh.

I don't know, this stuff is uncomfortable to talk about, sure, but I thought it was important to get it out on the table. I mean, if we have any hope of saving this relationship, we need to keep our communication open and honest. And we do have something to fight for here, right?.

Also, uhm...

There is something else we need to talk about. I feel awkward about bringing this up on my blog, but I wasn't sure until this weekend and didn't want to worry you, but....I'm pregnant. And its yours, CNN.

Oopsie!

Call,
m.e.

I'm Voting For Obama (Obvs); How The Fuck Could Anyone *Not*??

Dear Republicans,*?

Despite my need to inject snark into every crevice of my life ad nauseum, I generally consider myself to be a fairly open-minded, free thinking mofo.

I *am* a hardcore Dem, yes, however, if you are not and attempt to have a level headed, non yellfest convo with me about why, I would totally listen.

I know why the caged bird sings, blah, blah, blah.

Despite all this, I still have a major disconnect though: like, how on EARTH could anyone (man, woman, or child), have watched this Obama-mercial last night and still be planning to vote for John McCain?

I mean, really?? Like for really realz?

*Do you have an empty space in the cavity in your chest where your beating heart should be?
*Are you high?
*Do you have a trust fund and just not really give a shit about anything else?

If the answers to any of the above questions are yes, then I t-o-t-a-l-l-y get it. No need for explanation.

If not, I'm sorry...I'm just very fucking confused.

Having said that, I want any of you red mofos who might be furiously composing your comment response to me right now to just relax. Save it for the Fox News boards or the Sean Hannity blog. Cause right now, this shit so isn't even about you.

It's about hope, and change, and inspiration...and getting our country back on track after 8 years of the largest, organized full-scale shit show we've ever been witness to. And, honestly, I simply cannot handle any more narrow minded lameness...or bullshit talk about terrorist bff connections...or insinuations that I'm not a *real* fucking American cause I've never gone cow tipping or stolen my dad's tractor.

Cause I'm really starting to believe that this IS gonna go down. Like that we're all gonna be sayin: "President Obama" this and "President Obama" that on Wednesday. And that makes me so fucking happy I'm literally tearing up jus thinking about it.

I'm so insanely, totally, and completely excited to wake up early next Tuesday and cast my vote for Barack Obama. I'm so incredibly fucking lucky to live in a country where I get to do this (and the motherfucker actually counts!), and grateful to be part of such an historic event. And I'm so busting at the seams hopeful that this is all gonna be the beginning of something much much bigger than we all even know right now.

Yay America!

Jus sayin,
m.e.

If Obama Is Selling Something During His Infomercial Tonight That's $49.95 Or Less, I'm Buying One

Dear Everyone, ***

As long as we're oversharing, here's another juicy bit about me: I el oh vee ee LOVE infomercials.

If you have something to sell me, all you need to do is show me your infomercial and I will immediately dump the contents of my wallet into your piggy bank, no questions asked.

I don't really ever cook, and yet I'm *still* fascinated by that pancake puff pan. I'm dying to buy that Fluidity exercise system thingy, and I'm totally buying (like right now I'm off to order it) those WEN by Chaz Dean haircare products.

Also, I bought a Magic Bullet a couple of years ago and it totally rocked my world.

I am a true believer.

Anyway, I already drank Obama's Kool-Aid long ago, but I'm totes excited to see his little "closing argument" infomercial tonight at 8pm on every network except for ABC. I have no clue what this half hour Obamafest will be like, but I'll have my credit card out in the hopes that operators will be standing by.

Best of all, you can catch the Obaminator afterwards on The Daily Show.

as seen on TV,
me.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Sooo Needs To get Her Narrow White Ass Off My Flatscreen

Dear Everyone, ***

I double dawg dare you to watch this entire youtube vid of Elisibitch Hasselbeck introducing Governor Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend.

Watch the whole thing from start to finish, and if afterwards you don't feel like:

*kicking a puppy
*burning a flag
*getting an abortion just for the hell of it
*and/or all of the above

...Then I'm not a smart-ass, Jew, know-it all liberal elite (hint: I so fuckin am).

See, I jus can't help bein sassy neether, Elisabeth.

Anyone know the best way to clean vomit off your LCD?,
me

SYTYCD Is Reaching Across the Aisle and Bringin the Reps and Dems Together!

Dear Everyone, ***

I offer up an emphatic "TOLD YOU SO" to all you motherfuckers out there who have ever doubted my unwavering and deeply rooted dedication to So You Think You Can Dance. This shit is relevant, people! And it's bringing us all together!

Consider the following as proof:

1. Amy Strozzi, Sarah Palin's traveling stylist is a make-up artist for SYTYCD! She's probs powder puffed Joshua! And Will! And Maybe even Cat Deeley. Anyway. This chick was paid $22,800 for the first two weeks in October to help the governor get her pretty on. This was twice as much money as McCain's foreign policy advisor was paid. Rad!

2. Michelle Obama revealed in a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer that her favorite show is....

Wait for it....

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

[insert Mary Murphy rape scream here]

Therefore, with these recent developments, I think it would be totally fucking impossible to deny that SYTYCD is now playing a significant and substantial role in shaping the policies of our great nation.

Jus sayin,
me.

Sarah Palin Spent $150,000 On Her New Wardrobe And All I Gots Was This Stinkin T-Shirt!?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

I'm a girl, so obvs I love to get my shop on. But like, I've srsly got nothing on you.

You're a true inspiration.

I had no fucking clue that hockey moms were such fashionistas, but when your seven year old daughter is sportin a Louie Vu, I guess its safe to assume you know the difference between Spanx and Donna Karran body shapers. Color me red, white-n-blue with shock, awe and surprise.

$150,000 on clothes in one month is truly impressive!

Here's the thing, though: I don't even really give a shit that you spent all that money. In fact, I think most of the peeps that sent the RNC donations were total dickwads anyway, so it doesn't bother me one little panty lick to think of all their hard earned money getting pissed away at Saks and Neiman Marcus on a shiny, new wardrobe pour vous.

I think its pretty awesome.

What DOES bother me, however, (and bothers me a whole fuckin lot) is that you spent $150,000 benjis...on, presumably, designer clothes, and you still ended up looking like this:


Suze Orman has better jackets than that shit.

Obvies, whomever was heading up your Extreme Makeover efforts fucked this whole thing up big time, and it had nothing to do with the fact that $150k was spent.

I've decided to, yet again, solve the world's problems and take matters into my own hands.

Following, I present you with one week's worth of wardrobe suggestions. Basically, this is what you SHOULD have done with all of your money in order to look like the ultimate fighting champ, VP wannabe (all clothes are from Neiman Marcus and/or Saks):

MONDAY
Tahari Houndstooth skirtsuit ($598)
This look is totally chic, yet also commanding. Like, yeah, I'm a woman! So what! Fuck you! Just because I get my period, it doesn't mean I'm gonna show up on the Senate floor acting all wishy washy, boo hoo, sweetie, baby, cookie, honey. That's right: I rock the decolletage just like I rock those Al Qaeda fuckers!

TUESDAY
Dior Belted Virgin Wool Jacket ($1999)

This one is all about the glam factor. As much as I hate your ass, I think this Dior number would be particularly gorge on you. You'd look so hot in this, desperate Republicans would start bringing up Jackie O comparisons, and then Keith Olbermann could put you on his Worst Person List for daring to smear the name of a Kennedy by trying to channel her style, and Rachel Maddow would sneer and look all disappointed that someone like you was ever born, but you wouldn't care b/c you'd still be killin it in this.

WEDNESDAY
Theory Tailor Suit ($535)

Here's your DO NOT FUCK WITH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES look. Throw this puppy on, look into the mirror and repeat after me "I am fierce. I am fabulous. I will NOT be fucking stuck in Alaska for the rest of my life." You could wear this suit, walk right up to Christopher Buckley and be all "you wanna bet on Black, motherfucker! Bet on this!" (Oh Snap!)

THURSDAY
Magaschoni Suit ($872)

We flying the first class

Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

FRIDAY
Anne Klein Puckered Shirtdress (on sale!: $296)

Of course you can bring home the bacon! Of course you can fry it up in a pan! Obvies you can even shoot a motherhumpin moose with a semi-automatic weapon from a helicopter, fuck your husband on a snow mobile, read a book to your special needs baby, AND still have time to take your teenaged daughter Bristol for her pre-natal care appointments. You are today's modern day woman!

TOTAL = $4300

Let's bump that shit up to $5k for good measure, multiply by it four, and that's still only $20k for one month's worth of duds.

Dignity = T-O-T-A-L-L-Y in tact (priceless).

I could have saved the motherfucking Republicans $130,000, yo!

You could have used all that extra money to buy a lot of these:


And then killed a lot of these:


Oh well.

Mo money, mo problems,
me

Sarah Palin On SNL: 'Shoot A Motherhumpin Moose,' Indeed

Dear Sarah Palin, *

So, after months of your ass getting made fun of (brilliantly!) by Mizz Tina Fey, you finally decided to show your face up on SNL this weekend.

Your first bit was mostly stupid. Shockingly, you had like zero interaction with Tina Fey and just wasted most of your time with Alec "I'm a douchetard and I can't help myself" Baldwin.

Your second bit was insanely hysterical, however, it was mostly because Amy Poehler fucking RULEZ and did a hilarious rap about you. She was making fun of you the ENTIRE time. Like in a really, embarrassing, obvious, kind of way. Though I enjoyed watching you bopping along in your chair dance, I was also kind of blown away too. Like, I couldn't shake the feeling that despite everything, you didn't *quite* get it all.

Anyway.

For an elite, Jewish, smart-ass, city slicker like me, it was DEE-FUCKING-LICIOUS. So, thanks.

Rough weekend for you chumps though, right?
*100,000 showed up to Obama's rally in St. Louis
*$150 million raised in Sept
*Colin Fucking Powell endorsed Barry

I'm sure you guys are still fine tho.
(wink, wink),
me.

John McCain + David Letterman = Nobody Got Punched (Unfortch)

Dear Everyone, ***

The McCainiac showed up on Dave Letterman last night, and it was hella entertaining.

Dave actually asked the dude some tough questions...particularly regarding Sarah Palin (who Dave thinks would have trouble leading a Little League team to victory, much less the country) . I love how their go to line in response to this is ALWAYS "she energizes the peeeeple!" Though, I guess when you think about it, its totally true! She's energized my ass...to donate a couple hundred bucks to Obama's campaign, write a whole slew of blog posts, and to get into fights with perfect strangers on the subway platform. Wow, I never realized it until now, but I've got Sarah Palin Feva!

Thanks for all the energy!

They covered William Ayers, of course, at which point Dave had the cojones to bring up McCain's associations with G. Gordon Liddy...you know, the v. honorable dude who masterminded Watergate and brought shame to our entire nation?

Also McCain gave us a whole lotta show stopping non-verbals that some mofo will, no doubt, mash up together today.

He also said that Sarah Palin was goin' onto SNL.

Oh, and that he knows exactly where Osama Bin Laden is after reading some published reports, and "looking at the area," so he'll just go right in and get him as soon as he's in office.

That's when I vom'd in my mouth, so I had tune out.

TGIF,
me

Joe The Plumber To Star In A Porn; Joe Sixpack Takes His Own Life

Dear Joe the Plumber, ***

Dude.

I SRSLY hope you got laid last night (the ass licking you got from our least favorite crabby, bitter, cranky, cross, dour, glum, grouchy, huffy, irritable, surly, testy presidential candidate, John McCain during the debate doesn't count, yo).

If not, you need to get your keester over to Hooters toute de suite so you can start breaking down your options. You're in for one hell of a pussy parade.

Have fun!

Also, can you be a dove and send me the name of your publicist? That bitch deserves to have a monument erected in her honor. Your ass got talked about more than: N. Korea, Iraq, earmarks, the economy, healthcare OR global warming.

I love America!,
me
(Obama 08')

The Last Presidential Debate Drops 2 Nite, Yo

Dear Everyone, ***

Are you watching the last Presidential debate tonight??

I hope so, bias...cuz its gonna be good.

I might be a little late to the races, so live twittering is up in the airz, but you can manage without me, riight?

tune in or tune out,
me

p.s. John McCain is not going to be "whipping" anyone's "you know what"...except for maybe his own.

Levi Johnston Isn't Registered To Vote; There Really IS Symmetry In The Universe

Dear Levi Johnston, **

In this whole ass rape of a shituation you got yourself into: 18 year old GF Bristol Palin preggo, dropped out of H.S., no real future to speak of, drug/partying issues, etc, there is ONE great thing to look forward to, right!?

I mean, how cool is it that you'll get to cast your very first vote as an "adult" in a presidential election for your new mamz-in-law (and our next wannabe Veep), Sarah Palin!

Cuil!

Oh...cept you didn't register to vote.

HAHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHA. HA.

[Loves it]

stupid is as stupid does,
me

p.s. This was my other fave quote of yours from your recent inter-ma-view. Your thoughts regarding getting involved with McPalin: At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, "Whatever."

Whatever, indeed.

Clint Eastwood: A Republican Douchetard Or A Bleeding Heart Liberal? U Decide, Motherfuckers

Dear Clint, *

One of our fine DFA readers recently brought to my attention your recent sycophantic ass lick fest regarding She Who Shall Not Be Terrorized By The Right Wing Media, or SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Despite the fact that this DFA reader dude appears to be Canadian, I like that he's upfront about measuring his own dick, so I feel obliged. Also, I've never really gotten a request before and I kinda dig it. While I'm not exactly Samantha Ronson, rockin the beats for your lisnin pleshure, we DO take motherfuckin requests around here, so I'm gonna lay it all out for the FoOL and pour vous, Clint.

Right here. Right now. Gangsta style.

First of all: I hate your name. Clint sounds like Clit and that's nasty. I mean, who the Christ names their own child after vadge parts.
= FAIL

Second of all: you claim that you used to be Republican and now you're a Dem. And, frankly, I don't buy it. Here's what I think happened: you're a crazy, red, gun totin' Republican; Hollywood (i.e. LIBERAL MEDIA JEW SCUM) starts to find out about this sitch and all the sudden, no one wants to make a movies with Clit Clint; in an effort to protect your rep and have more than Wilford Brimley to choose from for your leading men, you Dem it up.
= FAIL

So, third of all: let's get to what you were blabbing about recently.

This is Angelina Jolie:


This is Sarah Palin:

Apparently you said the following recently: "When you find somebody people want to put down…it usually means there is something there they are afraid of," i.e. jus like with poor Saint Angelina.

Asked if he felt Sarah Palin was like Angelina Jolie, Easwood replied, "They are totally different types. But I am saying there is a star quality that scares a lot of people off."

A. You are 1000% right about people being scared off their nards about Sarah Palin
B. You are smoking a big fat spliff if you think peeps are afraid of her because of her Star-like qualities. Do you mean star-like qualities like these:



Hold the phone, motherfuckers! A star is born!
= FAIL

Fourth of all: you said this regarding the Veep debate last week: "One of the candidates the other night seemed more prone to telling the truth than the other." Everyone assumed you were talking about Joe Biden, but n'uh uh. You were giving a shout out to SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Here's why I got beef with this one: as much as I'd like to hack off Sarah Palin's hair and make a mop that I would use to clean the floor of an abortion clinic with, I get the "aww shucks," folksy thing. I get that she's "approachable" and hockey mom next door ish and, though it blows my fucking mind, I am kinda smart and watch CNN a lot, and I understand that there are huge swaths of our population that totally dig that. But you didn't mention any of that shit...you said she told the TRUTH.

Even little ole me...who's got Dem juice seeping out of my goddammed eyeballs at all hours of the day and night, understands that both candidates stretched the facts at various points in the evening. I just figure that even if they're both lying their asses off, I like the dems lies way better.

But the "truth" thing is most puzzling to me because Sarah Palin didn't answer a single friggin question all night long! She was in her own little "play" called Rescue My Rep or Else. She barely mentioned any facts, and I'm not even sure she knows what a figure is (oh wait! yah she does). In fact, the most truthful moment she had was when she flat out told Gwen Ifill that she was NOT gonna be answering her silly old questions, gosh darnit, becuz she's a maverick who likes to do shit her own way and that way includes not answering ANY OF THE GODDAMMED QUESTIONS!

So, yeah.

If we were looking at whether or not Sarah Palin was successful acting in her imaginary play and pulling her rep out of the shitter, I would give her some props. But telling the "truth"!? Nobody tells the truth at a motherfuckin debate.
= FAIL

Fifth of all: you're ob'd with making movies about people with guns. And everyone knows that *most* people who dig guns, are Republicans.

Further evidence that you are a fake Democrat Red
=FAIL

Here's the thing, Clit Clint, I never really liked you that much to begin with, though I get that you are a Hollywood legend and have contributed some pretty awesome shit to the wide world of entertainment. For serious you are entitled to your own opinions, and though I disagree with you to the miggity max, I kinda dig our constitution so I think you should feel free to say whatever the fuck you want. I guess what bugs me the most is that you're pretending to be something that you're not. Cuz, I'm sorry, there aint a Dem alive on the planet who would agree that SWSNBTBTRWM did a better job "telling the truth" at the Veep debate.

Take a page from Clay Aiken's play book, dude, and come on out of the closet. Republicans are people too (I guess).

"do I feel lucky?,"
m.e.

LiveBlogging The Post Presidential Debate: It Doesn't Get Any Edgier Than This

Dear Everyone, ***

So, like yeah. That Presidential Debate town hall thingy meeting just happened. I live twittered it, but like that's old news already.

Everyone was live twittering or live blogging, and I'm so all about bucking the trends and blazing a trail. So FUCK that!

Here's my liveblog of the POST Debate. That's right bitches...you go pre, I go post.

It's just that simple (I was watching CNN...duh):

10: 30: Hello Anderson Cooper...where you been all my life. He's super sexy, gay or no. And he's wearing this adorable pin striped suit! Hugo Boss maybe?

10:31: Yo, its the CNN panel. And YESSS, Campbell Brown is back. Her lip gloss is gorge!

10:32: Obama is still shaking everyone's hands...McCain bounced immediately after the debate was over. Guess who cares the most about the American people, bitches.

10:33: David Gergen has a funny name. Tee hee. Gergen, Gergen, Gergen.

10:33: Did Obama just sign someone's tits with a sharpie?

10:33: I think Paul Begala is wearing a Live Strong bracelet. WTF? That's so election 2004.

10:34: Jeffrey Toobin is kind of annoying...he's like a peg or two below Lou Dobbs.

10:34: Castellanos: dude are you sure you're a Republican? He gave the debate to Obama. Also he was like the only one who was really taking this CNN HD points system seriously...everyone else was asleep at the wheel. And, I'm totally digging the stache.

10:38: James Carville is folksy.

10:42: Everyone universally HATED McCain's "that one" line...also thinks the dude was remiss in leaving early

10:45: Suzanne (Suzahn) Malveaux likes that its hard to say her name (kidding: just checking to see if you are paying attention, bbs). She concurs on the "that one" gaffe.

10:46: Seems everyone is pretty clear that Obama won the debate. BOO YA!

10:47: uhm, John King is the numbers dude on CNN...i.e. the one who is always playing with the electoral map and all of the scenarios and he just said: "numbers are not my strong suit"...ohhhkaaay.

10:48: James Carville re the election: "Call the dogs in, wet the fire and leave the house, the hunt's ovah."

10:48: Carville's joke KILLED. McCain would have given: one of his houses, two of his cars and his adopted daughter for even a tiny taste of that type of laughter tonight. Hi-Lair

10:49: Anderson Cooper is still laughing at Carville's joke...and also he's still hawt.

10:49: I think Paul Begala and James Carville are BFF...or in lurv. Jus sayin.

10:50: Town Hall format = thumbs down from the peanut gallery.

10:50: Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

10:50: HA: "Goodies!" McCain said "goodies"a few times. LOL

10:51: Stop undressing me with your eyes, Campbell Brown.

10:52: I'm kind of bored, bbs. I'm going to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta (woot!).

debate the debate (its totally jingoistic),
mi