Heidi-n-Spencer Get Hitched

Dear Heidi-n-Spencer, *

Congrats.

For realzy.

See you again on June 16, 2009 when I publish this: "Heidi-n-Spencer R Dunzo!"

[yes people, I'm out on a limb here and predicting the *day* of the divorce announcement]

whatever,
m.e.

The Hills, S4: 9 - Imagine That All Of The Brain Cells You've Lost Watching The Hills Weren't Really Lost

Dear Everyone, ***

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a place with beautiful swaying palm trees, gorgeous hotties, slick cars, sunshine and posh, overpriced stores...we'll call it the land of La. Now imagine that you live in this place with all of your bestest friends, and you all hang out all the time, do nothing but spend your mommy and daddy's money, and basically enjoy being the bestest of friends that best friends could be, cuz really: there is nothing like a best friend.

[keep your eyes closed]

Isn't that just beautiful?

[still keep em closed]

BFF's 4 Eva, right?

Now on the count of three, open up your eyes and look at straight at your computer monitor. Get in real close and don't look anywhere but here.

1.......2......and.....THREE:

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shit.

It wasn't all a dream after all.

Thus we have last night's deep, penetrating premise of an ep of The Hills: imagine if Heidi had never met Spencer.

Apropos of the end of the universe, John Lennon got us all to "Imagine" way back when, and Spencer Pratt is obvies the one to quash all "imagining" right in its friggin ball sack.

Indeed.

If Heidi had never met Spence then: LC and Heidi would still be BFF, Audrina would still be a no one sitting out by her pool, we would have no fucking clue who on earth Lo was b/c she would be totally un-needed for the story, Brody would either be LC's fiance or not in the pic at all, Doug would still be the burrioto king, Frankie would still be pointless, Whit would still be boring as all get out, and Holly would probs be the third BFF in LC and Heidi's BFF triumvirate.

Wowzers...now wonder Holly is so into this idea!

In other earth shattering developments: Audrina is not giving anyone else a chance...not even a hot little cutietard she met named Collin who was totally into buttering her buns. Nah, dawg...ya see she just wanted to talk about JustinBobby the whole night and she was really just going out with him to make JB jealous in the first place, so Collin was all: "fuck off, beyotch"...or something like that.

The best was, when Audrina goes to tell JustinBobby (in a roundabout way, mind you...this IS Audrina after all) that she went out on a date with some other dude but basically couldn't concentrate b/c she was obsessing over JB the whole time, JustinBobby, in some brilliant mind meld move, manages to turn the whole thing around into officially giving himself permission to date other bitches.

Totally. Fucking. Brilliant.

But in the biggest news of the fucking night, Heidi gave Dear Famous Asshole a shoutout!

YES, BITCHES...its true!

She wrote LC a letter! I mean, so its not technically an actual shoutout, but we write letters here...and she wrote a letter there on TV...and VP candidates now give shoutouts, soooo....yeah. Kinda!

Here's a transcript of the letter:

Lauren, **
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I'm so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things didn't turn out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Sincerely,
Heidi Montag

[sniff]

[Is anyone now thinking that Heidi is sort of better at stringing together sentences than Sarah Palin? Le sigh].

The whole thing was pretty sad...and was completely brought about becuz Heidi's sister Holly totally overstated LC's missingness of Heidi and made her feel like she had a snowball's chance in hell of mending her best friendship, when really she so didn't.

And we all know why. We all KNOW why Heidi and LC can never, ever, ever, never be BFF's again:

SPENCER.

[duh].

He's ruined everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He's ruined Heidi's life...he's ruined Holly's life (as it looks like she's about to get thrown out of their apt), he's ruined LC's life and taken away her BFF, he ruined Heidi's mom Darlene's life, he ruined Brody's life, Frankie's life and shit, probably Doug's life too. Oh yeah...and me. He's ruined my life as well.

So, yet again, we're here: Fuck you, Spencer. You're a stupid fucking fuck.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

This Is Why I Don't Dig Jesus...Like at ALL: Heidi Montag To Do A Christian Album

Dear Heidi, *

It's sooo crazy that you announced that you're doing a Christian album! The coincidence is totally spooky! Wait, listen to why:

You see, last night, I was krumping around the internets, looking for a fix--something I could really sink my teeth into-- and lo and behold, I came upon the "video" above for your song: "Higher." And then, after a bit more digging, an audio clip of your newest song "Fashion."

Now, ever since Brit Brit was on Dateline with Matt Lauer, I've been realll resistant to use those air quote thingys too much, because like, she just wrecked that shit up 4 eva. But its super hard for me to use the actual word "song" or "video" right now to describe what I encountered with you here.

You know in that moment in the movie that the doctor dude realizes that Frankenstein is really alive and he's like "holy shit...what the fuck did I just do??"-- That's kind of how I feel right now. And I feel this way, because these "songs" that you "sing" truly bear zero resemblance whatsoever to the actual construct and literal meaning of the word "song" that has already been tagged and cataloged by my brain. And I mean, not like just my brain...but everyone's brain. And the fact that you are "singing" these "songs" and "shooting" these "videos" that are being put on the internets and probably making your dumbass (a lot?) of money, is like alllll our fucking fault.

The deep and penetrating shiteous-ness of these tracks is something that cannot be easily conveyed to anyone who has not experienced them (actually, I would recommend two or three plays for a genuinely hair raising experience). After listening to these epic-ly whorrendous tracks, I decided to just play some free flowing word association games with myself and here's what I came up with:


Heidi Montag's music makes me feel:

*Angry
*Argumentative
*Embarassed
*Dirrty
*Murderous
*Bitch slapped
*Smart
*Smarter than you
*Smarter than Spencer
*Smarter than She Pratt
*Hatred toward U
*Hatred toward Spencer
*Hatred toward your parents
*Hatred toward LC for befriending your ass in college
*Hatred toward MTV for allowing LC to strong arm you onto The Hills
*Hatred toward my therapist for suggesting that I should be "having new experiences"
*Hatred toward a society like ours that would allow something like this to happen
*Hatred toward myself for my own role in said society

And I guess that that's pretty much where I ended the game.

Except that, before I shut down my computer, I started thinking a lot about our world...and I mean like deep level shit like who you are, who I am, and what the eff this whole jacked up thing we call "life" was really about. I kept thinking...and thinking...and REALLY thinking. And then after two bong hits, a fresh fruit smoothie, 15 minutes of Rock Hard Abs (watching, not doing) and a game of Scrabulous (I pwn'd you, Elizabeth C!), I came to the heady conclusion that: God must not really exist after all.

And then today you announced you were doing a Christian album....so like, yeah. I was t-o-t-a-l-l-y right.

Suck it Jesus,
me

Spencer Pratt Is Lame, And Dave Letterman Like T-O-T-A-L-L-Y Agrees

Dear Spencer, *

Do you know what my fav-oh-rite thing about you is?

OK, I'll spill, it's this: the fact that your last name sounds like the insult I would love to hurl at your Beavis lookin' face with the full force of my venomous bitch-tasticness if I ever laid eyes on your stupid self: i.e. "Spencer, you are such a dumb ass, fucktard pratt, and I hate you with the fire of a thousand white hot burning suns."

Snap!

I mean, how many suckas does that shit actually work with!? Not many...I've looked into it.

My second favorite thing about you that I love/hate is that you are so freakin' up front about the fact that you are a total, manipulative tool. Like in this clip above on Letterman from Friday night where you completely admit that you plotted to get your ass on The Hills way back when. And though you didn't say it, clearly that shit was hatched up while you were smokin' out with your bro boys, playing X box and using your parents money for hooker housecalls one weekend. And now you're like, ON THE SHOW, and engaged to Heidi and writing advice columns, and gettin' paid for staged paparazzi photos and $100k club appearances, and in full force manipulation mode week after motherfucking week in my living room, on my internets and in my trashy magazines.

I really do get it though: you're shameless, and disgusting...and we all lap it up like hungry ass street kittens with a fresh bowl of cafe con leche, so why stop?

My third very favorite thing about you is that I can't really tell if you are a colossal moron, or a brilliant, calculating Lex Luthor type. I mean, like Dave obvs thinks you are a total joke...and you come off like you're a total joke, but the joke is now kind of on us, right?

Deep shit, huh, Spence?

Heidi ho,
me