Mley Cyrus Is So Not Dead, Y'All

Miley, **

I'm v. glad to hear that despite reports to the contrary (i.e. the bullshit hacker notice posted to ur youtube account allegedly from Mandy claiming you were hit by a a drunk driver), you're not, uhm, dead.

However.

Based on the fact that your cell phone has already been broken into like 17 times...and now your getting all sorts of violated on the youtube...don't you think it might be time to...oh, I don't know: CHANGE ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PASSWORDS!?

Jus sayin.

love to love u,
m.e.

Miley Cyrus WILL Definitively Turn Your Sweet Angel Little Girls Into Junior Tranny Hookers, Mr. President Elect. I Assure You

Dear President Elect Barack Obama, ***

I understand that your adorable, light of your life, cute overload dot com daughters Malia-n-Sasha have been invited to do a guest spot on Hannah Montana with Miley Cyrus.

WHOA.

Ok, hold the fucking phone right there.

I'm sure you and Michelle are way on top of this sitch, and I really don't mean to interfere, but I can't help but offer up my own take on the shituation which is: NO, no, nowayjose, a thousand times N O , n'uh uh. NO.

In case you are not convinced that this is the worst idea in the history of the universe, I offer you up the following as proof:





And *just* in case that doesn't like totally convince you, here's one more snap of another famous chick who ALSO has her own tween TV show:

This idea is worse than asking Sarah Palin to be the newly appointed Ambassador to Russia...worse than choosing a pitpubull that hasn't been fixed and likes to hump everyone as your white house pet...worse than Heidi Montag supporting you as a candidate; in other words = catastrophe of epic proportions.

Fuck the first 100 days...this shit is your real priority.

I vote "NO" on a Hannah Montana appearance.

my country tis of thee,
m.e.

Who Cares If The Economy Is Collapsing!? It's Time For A Motherfuckin Bipartisan DANCEOFF!

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy. Fantabulousness: we've got another dance off on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check it.

It's a well known fact that I've pretty much been in a deep, dark funk since the M&M Cru robbed ACDC of their well earned and much deserved win in the biggest online Youtube dance battle in history. Mostly I was upset that ACDC was practically raped on live television with that bogus, douchetastical loss to Miley Cyrus & co, but also I was legitimately upset about the fact that the dance off was over.

Cause I like dance offs...like, a lot.

And needless to say, I'm not the kind of girl that often gets challenged to dance offs in my every day life...(very fucking annoying, but totally true).

And so it is with great pleasure that I present to you all: The FIRST EVER Election Dance Off!!

ACDC is BACK, but this time they've got the Dems v. the Reps in the craziest, full-throttle-est, no holds barred freak fest of a dance off to ever hit the Planet Urth.

BOO YA!

This shit is gonna make Mandy and Miley look like Cloris Leachman on Dancing With the Stars.

Anyway.

So, here's what you do: decide if you are dancing for the Obamanators or the McCain-iacs, get some chump to record you doing a kick ass dance routine, and then send in your vids to ibeatyou.com.

A winner will be crowned on election day, November 4th. So, its just like the real election, but way better!

I only had a really short time to pull something together, so this was the best I could do under the circumstances. I wanted to show all you bitches that I was taking this shit seriously, so I recorded myself dancing today on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

In case it's not clear by my outfit, obvs I'm on the Obamanators.

After watching this, I think you'll agree that the McCainiacs don't have a pork barrel's chance in hell.

You likey??



dance, dance, revolution,
meee

Miley Cyrus 'Peeny'-Bopper Candy...Good To The Last Drop

Dear Miley, ***

Oh, Hai.

So I don't know that much about how this whole Hollywood, juggernaut thingy works, but I would guess at this stage of the game you probs have a whole team of people who just sit around brainstorming ideas about further ways to merchandise your ass.

And considering you're more famous than Jesus Christ now, obvies you guys would have all the basics handled like lunchboxes, notebooks, tshirts, books, scuba gear, etc.

But, like also, you're not just a TV star anymore. You had that whole Hannah Montana concert movie that made a bajillion dollars and now you do real concerts too.

So like, OF COURSE, one of your "people" was probably sitting around with another one of your "people"...gettin' high and brainstorming...and someone came up with the brilliant idea of doing Hannah Montana Candy.

Cause, of course, kids will come to the Hannah Montana concert, buy the Hannah Montana tee and the Hannah Montana lunchbox and then they'd be sitting in their seat all hungry-n-shit and be like "Mom...I WANT SOME HANNAH MONTANA CANDY! PLEEEEEASSE!"

Genius.

Fucking, genius.

I mean kids love candy....and always want something to eat at shows...so why the fuck not?

So someone probably pitched the idea, and researched manufacturers, and taste tested flavors and the whole nine yards. This could have been going on for months...or maybe years! And finally, (HOORAY!), after all the hard work, and planning, and strategizing, Hannah Montana sweet and sour candy is here!

Oh, uhm...but the only hitch is: your candy looks exactly like big, hard hairy cocks.

Oopsie.

Well, at least this will serve as a good distraction for peeps should a whole new round of SeXXy Miley iphone pics surface today!

best of both worlds, indeed
me

Miley Cyrus is Better Than Everyone At Everything: Congrats To The Ultimate Dance Off Champion

ACDC Teen Choice Awards 2008

M&M Crew Teen Choice Awards 2008

Dear Everyone, ***

OMG, you bitches totally suck!

How could I have missed this? And how could no one have emailed me/twittered me/or facebook'd me about it??

Miley Cyrus and ACDC had their final, in-person dance off at the Teen Choice Awards this past Sunday, and not one of you mofos bothered to fill me in!?

Sheet.

I've been tuned into this action from day one and (sniff) I'm, admittedly, a little sad that my one and only legitimate connection to the sexy pic, iphone lovin' tween queen has now been permanently quashed. But like also, I'm kinda outraged.

What you don't see in the vid is Miss Fergalicious herself, crowning Miley & Mandy the ultimate dance off champs as the audience cheers on with unbridled, hysterical Hannah Montana glee.

M&M Cru won?? Wha??

I mean, fine. I admit it. I do love me some Miley, but an M&M Cru victory!? That shit is just cracked out Whitney Houston-like insanity.

ACDC rawked the motherfuckin house out at every stage of this dance off, and goddamit, they wuz robbed!

All those screaming teenyboppers done gone and had their brains scrambled up by those hott pix of Miley's abs-n-shit. That's the only explanation.

Or maybe it was just LL.

I mean, that is sort of the quickest way to end any ongoing longterm beef. I believe the Law of LL states: if you can convince LL Cool J to publicly take your side in any ongoing conflict, whether real or imaginary, the other side must immediately concede defeat or risk permanent, unrelenting societal embarrassment.

And so, the biggest online dance battle in the history of the world has, sadly, come to an abrupt and shocking end.

"Mama said knock you out," indeed,
me

SeXXy Miley Cyrus Pics = So What?

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not really quite sure what all the motherfuckin fuss is about here, but as we try to be somewhat timely with our correspondence, I guess we need to acknowledge the fact that some semi-sexy, but barely any big deal whatsoever photos of Miley Cyrus have surfaced.

Of course, by "surfaced" we mean some perv hacked into her iphone, probably scrolled through thousands of sweet and completely innocent photos and then came up with these few semi-controversial ones. Allegedly, these were some pics that she sent off to Nick Jonas, (one of the Jonas Brothers--but don't ask me to point out which fucking Jonas b/c I have no friggin clue) when they were dating.

Here's what I have to say about this whole goddamned ridiculousness: WTFMF's?

Jamie Lynn Spears just gave birth to a freakin baby at 17; Emma Watson routinely gets snapped wearing see-through panties; Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and half of Beverly Hills High School have been to motherfuckin jail! Are we really all up in arms over a photo of Miley in the shower with her tshirt on!?

True, I guess after the VF controversey this is all slightly more juicy, but COME ON PEOPLE. Really!? You should see some of the pics I have on my iphone! Let's just say that they would make these Miley wet tshirt snaps in the shower look like passport photos.

I'm a little surprised by it myself, but over the past few months I have developed some mad love for Miss Miley Montana. I think we all just need to leave this bitch alone and let her have her good, ole teenaged fun. If she were my daughter, I'd be dancing a fucking jig..."You mean you're not knocked up? You didn't get pulled over with cocaine in your car? You're not doing horse tranqs with Amy Winehouse in the bathroom?"

Hall-e-fucking-leu-jah.

Also, Miley's in a motherfucking dance off, people, so that's like a lot of pressure for a young girl to be dealin with--show some God damned respect!

Sheesh.

Mad for Miley,
me

Miley & Mandy: FUBAR Dance Off Alert

Dear Miley (& Mandy), ***

A live face off!?

Holy. Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I'm like pissing in my pants right now for you guys...R U OK!?

You're ok. Of course you're ok. You guys are totally gonna be fine. I mean, you def stepped it up a notch in the last installment with the chopper-n-all, so you can do it. You guys are just gonna have to start rehearsing and gettin your shit together pronto. But like, I mean right fucking now, Miley. This is getting serious for really reals.

I mean, it's one thing when you've got a crew of 'dance off' lackeys to fetch you Frapuccinos and helicopter jet fuel, but if you guys are goin up against ACDC in person, that's a whole diffrn't ballgame. This shit is gonna make your Vanity Fair slutty pic fallout look like a Baby Einstein DVD.

So, here's my advice: Whatever sort of album or tour or Hannah Montana bullshit you might be working on right now needs to stop. You two need to get your asses into the gym pronto, stop eating immediately, and get every fucking ep of America's Best Dance Crew (seasons 1 AND 2) you can get your little hands on. Then you can get that shit goin on a constant DVD loop. For motivational purposes, hire Angry Black and Eric the Midget from Stern's whack pack to follow you two honeys around and trash talk ACDC as much as possible. Also, stop with the fucking sexy myspace pics, forget about Camp Rock and just freakin FOCUS.

I'm not gonna lie, even if you follow all of my sage advice, this is likely still gonna be an epic disaster for you two. But, "I still believe in a place called Hope," so like who knows...maybe John Chu will break his elbow or pull his groin or some shit?

Hoping for a Miracle,
me

According To The University of Buffalo, I'm A Dirty Little Whore (On The Internets, That Is...)

Dear Everyone, ***

Some folks at the University of Buffalo have been lookin' into my behavior lately; i.e the trashy reality TV watchin', gossip blog readin', Us Weekly sniffing, Gawker Stalker sorta crap, and the overriding conclusion is this: I'm a skank ass ho.

"A new study of television viewing and communication patterns among young adults by University at Buffalo researchers has found a relationship between reality television viewing and "promiscuous friending."

Le sigh.

First off, University of Buffalo--if that's even your real name-- like duh.

You don't exactly need a phD to connect the dots on this motherfucker: "Individuals who heavily watch reality shows are inclined to act in a more "promiscuous" way on social networking Web sites like Facebook or MySpace. They make their private lives available to the public due to the behaviors that they witness.."

The crack team of cultural scientists at UB are right on the money with that shit, because this has proven to be t-o-t-a-l-l-y true in my own personal life. I mean, like right now, for instance, I'm exchanging naked video podcasts with some dude I met in the facebook group "I am way too emotionally invested in SYTYCD" and, though we're just in the planning stages, we're *thinkin* of putting them up on itunes. Last night I got cyber dominated by some guy who left a comment on my post about Miley Cyrus's dance battle (since deleted, you pervs) and also, inspired by Lindsay's recent lez love, I'm in an online three way with an up-and-coming indie rock chick on myspace (who got like a mini shout out from perez, y'all!) and this Asian dude from the Television Without Pity boards who claims to have been featured in the b/g of some Calvin Klein billboard that was up in the "Times Square" of Tokyo (though no links to share, so whatevs). And, like honestly, this is just the shit I'm comfortable talking about here, so there's a LOT more where that came from.

The really weird thing is, before I started watch Living Lohan and SYTYCD and Top Chef and shit, I never did ANY of this sort of stuff. But now, no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop...and now I know why!

This nugget is also like so "hells yeah!" for me: "The more they watch, the more time they are likely to spend on Facebook gaining a larger network of friends, a good portion of whom they've never met and sharing more pictures of themselves."

Here's my technique (and feel free to borrow): basically, I like to do random searches on Facebook for common names like John, Mike, Jenny or Tinsley Mortimer; then I just start blasting out the friends requests doubletime, and laugh my ass off as the approvals start rollin in. Guess how many homies I currently have on my fb friends list people?...11,672 as of this second! But I can't front like that's a final number b/c approvals are rollin in at all hours of the day and night, people...all hours.

Best of all, I have no freakin' clue who 99% of those effers are. If you ARE lucky enough to be on my list though, you can be guar-on-teed that you'll get hit up with a weekly deluge of sexy pics of me doin' all sorts of sexy stuff lookin' all sexy like in my sexy underwears (see my "sexy," "sexy4u," "i'm.hot.n.ur.not" and "bask in the glow of my eternal hotness" albums on Facebook for proof).

Also they said this: "We're All Stars Now: Reality Television, Web 2.0 and Mediated Identities," indicates an erosion of the distinction between the everyday world and the celebrity world, in which common people claim intimacy with the completely mediated identities of such celebrities as Britney Spears or Brad Pitt. " Uhm...Like how??!! Like by starting a blog where you decide to write letters to these people, or something!? That's dumb.

Anyway, my promiscuous, hot-to-trot homies, if you would care to continue down this path of celeb-u-tastic, soul sucking self-mutilation with me, meet me here tomorrow morn for a post about Puff Daddy getting his ball sac waxed.

you know you love,
me
xoxo

Miley Cyrus, You Are So Danceriffic!: The Battle To The Death Continues...

Dear Everyone, ***

Why every single God damned person on the planet is not talking about this Miley Cyrus/Mandy Jiroux vs. Adam/Chu's Dance Crew (ACDC) dance off is truly beyond me.

As far as I'm concerned, I could take all the Brangelina shit, all the B list baby birth shit, and even all the MTV/Hills/"Bromance" shit, set it all on fire, smoke it, and use the ashes to fuel my macbook battery so that i could run a 24/7 dance-r-iffic loop all the live long day. Guys: its the biggest online Youtube dance battle in history! Are you getting this???

M&M have just dropped their latest joint in response to ACDC, and let's just say stakes have been raised...like with a helicopter...and Chris Kattan.

Two months ago I had no fucking clue who Hannah Montana was, but I swear to God, following this M & M Cru/ACDC Dance off, I'm ready to watch that bitch ass show AND buy me a Miley lunchbox to take to work.

True, thus far ACDC has made M&M Cru look like a special needs kids camp dance troupe, but still, my little Miley my my is steppin' up to the plate like a home girl and gettin' her shit dun. I mean, this sort of a production requires like actual crews, and craft service and shit, right?

un-mother-freakin-believable!

Right? Hello?? Can everyone please get as excited about this shit as I am?? What's wrong with you people?

Dance,
me