WTFAYTA Fergie: Clumsy

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not sure why, but for some crazy Black Eyed Peas reason, I kind of love every single one of Fergie's songs. I even love Fergie's name...and often what she wears (i.e mom shorts = win). OH, and also: she's smokin' hot.

So, she's been on my WTFAYTA radar for awhile now.

Also, I've tried really hard to incorporate "Fergalicious" into my vocab and, uhm, its goin' pretty well I guess. I mean, this blog is pretty fuckin' Fergalicious--so there's that. And this post, in particular, is over the top Fergalicious, so yeah.

Anyway, let's get to it!

WTFAYTA Fergie?


Clumsy:
The girl can't help it oh baby Can't help it
I'm not very good at practicing self-control or making smart decisions...esp when I drink (LOL!) I can't help myself!

First time
That I saw your eyes
You remember...we were at that little bar in the E. Village...the one where there is no name above the door and you just havta KNOW that its there? I had just broken up with that asshole trader dude who always said "righteous" and dragged his "ssss"...like this: "RIGHTEOUSSSSSSSS." Gawd was that annoying. Anyway, he dumped me and I was pissed and feeling fat...and then you walked in and I was all: hello witch your bad self.

Boy you looked right through me, mmm mmm
Yeah, so you were there with your friends and like, at first, did not notice me at all. I tried walking by a few times and still no dice, so then I unbuttoned my shirt two (!) buttons too low (and pretended like OOPS, didn't realize!) and parked myself on the stool right next to your ass, and that seemed to work pretty ok...after eight or nine drinks.

Play it cool
Yes I have a job (kinda). No I don't live with my parents (all the time).

But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm
Duh...like why else would I have given you a bj in the bathroom if there wasn't some sort of real karmic konnection.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
i.e. Clumsy, like with my birth control pills

Can't help it
Sex on the beach

The girl can't help it oh baby
Sea breeze

Can't help it
(jaeger shot)

The girl can't help it oh baby
Lemon Drop ( Thx Carlos!!)

Can't help it
Pomegranate Martini

The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
White Russian (= beginning of the end)

Can't breath When you touch my sleeve, Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Bj. Bathroom. Haven't we discussed, already?

Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm
Yeah cause like I have my sister's wedding coming up and I sure as hell am NOT gonna be sittin at that head table looking like some pathetic single thirtysomething out of a fucking Emily Giffin chick lit book...so like I need some sort of a motherfuckin game plan...and you were pretty much it (and also I think you promised you go with me that first night...when we were in the bathroom and I asked you. Do you remember? Right before you bj?).

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Like this: "Cute drunk girls dancing and falling on their ass"

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
And this: "Drunk Bitch"

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
So in love with you
I mean, it kinda felt like I couldn't help myself that first night, but that was mostly because I couldn't fit into those $300 Paige jeans I had just bought and I had convinced myself that no one would ever want me again...ever. And then like you did...that night! Right there in the bathroom! LOL!

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me This love sick thing
That was in 7th grade after I let Matt Leibowitz get to second base with me behind the bleachers in gym class. We never spoke again after that. Good times.

I like serious relationships and a A girl like me dont stay single for long
HELLO...major self esteem issues

Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up
(which is pretty fucking often, actually)

My world is crushed and I'm all alone
see lyrics to "All By Myself" (yes...the Celine Dion version)

The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back
Kind of like crabs--not that like I have ANY idea what that's all about but I read something in Cosmo once and like also overheard these two chicks in the locker room of my gym talking. Other than that, I have no experience at all with STD's...I mean zero. N-o-n-e.

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I mean, fine...I was calling a lot and also had no right to show up at your office that one day unannounced (or set up that meeting with your boss) but I def think the restraing order was maybe a teensy bit over the top? Just a smidgen?

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I don't know...I mean, I don't think I'd be hanging on here so hard if there weren't like a really real, for REALS konnection between the two of us...doncha think?? I mean, you told me yourself that you thought I was super hot (that first night...in the bathroom...before the bj) and that was like a pretty major turning point for me.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Restraining order, blah, blah, blah
Will you call me back if I agree not to call you more than 12 times per day?

Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
Do you have any friends you could set me up with?

So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you
I still really think this could work.

And, we did it! Another song parsed and dismantled from the inside out...yay us.

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that there's a motherfuckin lesson for every single one of us here: bj's in the bathroom of a nameless bar with strangers = (usually) bad news.

Thanks, Fergie! That was Fergalicious!

Wanna go down like London Bridge,
me

WTFAYTA Justin Timberlake: SexyBack

Dear Everyone, ***

A big fat Notorious B.I.G. apology to all y'all...my July 4th holiday at the vadge spa threw off our entire WTFAYTA urban jam parse sked and now we're a week behind.

No need to flip-a-bitch tho, cause we're back and ready to fuck shit up, as per u'sual.

My main man Rick Jackson is lookin' to get his SexyBack, so let's give a brutha a hand and deconstruct some JT with a fine tooth comb.

WTFAYTA, Justin Timberlake?

SexyBack:

I’m bringing sexy back
See pic above

Them other boys they don’t know how to act
Yeah...other dudes like Will.I.Am, for example.

I think you're special, what's behind your back?
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.
Based on the fact that we get into shackles-n-shit in the next verse, I'm guessin that this bitch that he's singin to has handcuffs behind her back. (Get your mind out of the gutter people--this is the first verse of the motherfuckin' song! Daym!).

Take 'em to the bridge
[Bridge]
Dirty babe
You see the shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way
K, so obvs JT is already feeling kinda smitten with this honey. Tho the "tie me up, tie me down" shit may not be his normal bag, he's willing to man up and deal if that's what it takes to be with this fly boo.

Take 'em to the chorus
[Chorus]
Come here girl
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come to the back
Go ahead, be gone with it
VIP
Go ahead, be gone with it
Drinks on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
I'm rich...and also famous...so, like stick with me and its straight through the velvet ropes to the VIP Lounge e-v-e-r-y single time, sweetheart. This also means, of course, unlimited supplies of champagne, cocaine, and Red Bull, so be prepared to get your party on...and bring some hott friends too so I can keep my security detail happy with some pretty pussy.

Let me see what you’re working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those hips
Go ahead, be gone with it
You make me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it
You are one little hot mamacita...so don't think I didn't notice your ass from all the way across the dance floor. I was pretendin' like I was all into Jessica Biel-n-shit, but I was watching you the whole time out of the corner of my eye before I motioned for my security guard to go and get your number. (Also, like do you have any weed? Because my normal hookup in Vegas fell through, so that would make this love connection way more meaningful for me than it already is...as if that's even possible).

Get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it
[Repeat 6 times]
Get your sexy on
So, what up you sexy, little bitch? You gonna answer my text later and meet up at Mandalay Bay where my main man bodyguard QueBe tole you to go?? Or you gonna pussy out b/c you're afraid of showing up in the tabloids...and boo fucking hoo, maybe having that story come about the time you had that one night stand with that Dallas Mavericks dude and got pregnant and had an abortion and shit?

[Verse 2]
I’m bringing sexy back
Them other fuckers don’t know how to act
Come let me make up for the things you lack
'Cause you're burning up I gotta get it fast
I saw that other old, rich dude staring you up and down like a piece of raw meat, so like I get that this is a now or never situation. I think we both know that despite that dude's deep pockets, I've got a way hotter piece of ass, and also, I'm a pop star, so are you really mullin this over for more than like 5 seconds? I'm JT, bitch.

Take 'em to the bridge
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
I’m bringing sexy back
You mother fuckers watch how I attack
I bounced back from Britney Fucking Spears, bitches. I can handle my shit, OK?

If that’s your girl you better watch your back
Cause she’ll burn it up for me and that’s a fact
Take 'em to the chorus
[Chorus]
Again, motherfuckers, I am JT. If I want your woman, she is minez, so like don't even test this shit out, ok? You don't wanna go there...trust me.

And, indeed, trust you we do, JT.

K, so Rick Jackson, my main man, I'm thinking that for you the take away is this: be bold, be brazen (shit, BeKanye), and dude--don't be afraid to pull out the handcuffs every once in awhile. My bet is if you follow JT's lead, you'll get your sexy back in no time time flat. And soon you'll be fightin off the fly honeys with ur own sexy stick.

Don't worry if its not good enough for anyone else to hear...just sing...sing a song,
me

WTFAYTA (whatthefuckRUtalkingabout) Will.I.Am

Dear Everyone, ***

Did you guys ever do that thing in English class where you had to read through poems line by line and then analyze the shit out of them by deconstructing the whole thing? We did. And it was like my favorite fucking thing to do back when I frosted my hair and wore E.G. Smith socks.

My trip down memory lame got me thinking...maybe that would be kinda fun to do that again...like with rap lyrics!

So here's how this shit is gonna work: each week I'm going to take a popular R&B/rap song and carefully deconstruct the lyrics line by line so that you bitches can get down and dirty with me. We're gonna dig deep in an attempt to start peeling away the layers of these songs that have been soundtrackin' our lives (or at least my life, cause I listen to all this shit). Warning: This is gonna be some pretty high level shit, so feel free to raise your hand and ask any questions you need to in the comments. We're all here to learn.

And so we begin our first weekly installment of WTFAYTA (what the fuck are you talking about). Listen to the song and then join me on my journey of urban parse.

WTFAYTA, Will.I.Am?

One More Chance
Take me back
Take me back
Take me back
I…..
Soo...this dude probably fucked up big time...and now wants to "Back to the Future" himself to a time where, for like 5 whole minutes, he wasn't a complete douche.

Girls girls girls
Girls girls girls
Girls girls girls
I'm guessing each mention of "girls" probably represents like 10-20 hos that he nailed while his baby mama was home watchin' General Hospitals and wiping their kids asses...so like a benji's worth of bitches, give or take a hundo.

Take me back
One more chance
This time around I'll get it fine I know
One more chance
Let me undo what I done before
One more...
This is pretty much code for: that thing with the fifteen-year-old little hot mammy from up the street meant nothing to me. And like how the eff am I supposed to know she wasn't on the pill!? Or that those kids she was "baby sittin" were actually hers. She was wearing strawberry lip gloss...how my suppos'd to resist that sort of shit?

Girl I be loving you like la la la
this is like a real, low down, deep-n-dirty kinda lovin'...like the kind that that fifteen-year-old Puerto Rican mammy with the belly ring got.

But it be hitting you like blah blah blah
that's like gettin punched in the face by someone's la la la

We be going back and forth like volley ball
Battling each other like Galactica
Eventhough you cheat on your woman and fuck bitches all day long, you're complicated enough to still appreciate Battlestar Gallactica and team sports. This is very compelling.

Girl our love could be spectacular
But we crash like vehicular
Here's a typical quote that I would imagine best illustrates the direness of your current situation: "why you gotta be naggin me-n-shit all the time? I'll take out the garbage after I finish jerkin' off, yo."

Homicide I know why you sick of a brother with tricks that's quick to trick on ya
I could have you killed. I know people.

I know you want more than a dick in ya
Yeah, prolly.

You want a good nigga to stick with ya
Duh.

I'll stick with ya and perfect my love
I'll protect ya girl if you give me just
One more chance
Ok, the stressing of the phrase "one more chance" here gives rise to the idea that you've already gotten like fifty-three fuckin chances. And now we're all just spose to sit back and believe that this time, shit's gonna be diffrn't. Right.

This time around I'll get it fine I know
One more chance
See, now this is a bit more realistic for me. You'll get it "fine." So, like, you'll just barely get it right...like, you'll miss your kid's 2nd birthday party, but you'll send a check (that later bounces) and a include a gift certificate to Dunkin Donuts.

Cause I don't want to go
Another day, another lonely night
I don't wanna be
In this world without you in my life
One more chance
You're gonna be totally effed if you can't make it work with your woman. And there's like probably no way in hell you're gonna make that happen...but you think you will. You could totally do it (you tell yourself)...you just need o-n-e more chance.

This time around
Baby protect the love
Cause, like its your fault that the love wasn't protected, baby...not all those hos I done did.

Lalala this time around
Baby protect the love
Lalala
Baby protect the love
Lalala this time around
Better get it right
This time around
Better get it right
MUST TRY HARDER TO KEEP OWN DICK IN PANTS. MUST TRY HARDER TO KEEP OWN DICK IN PANTS.

Lemme lemme lemme lemme love you all day
Cause, like despite all my flaws, you have to at least admit that I can seriously kick it in the bedroom...

Remix our love in a new way
Put it on put it on replay replay
Spin it round an' round like a dj
Again, I'm a rockstar in the bedroom, right? RIGHT?

Forever and ever and always
Our endeavor got me sure like Al. B
Yesterday gotcha feeling a little salty
Salty, like the bitch is finally standin' up for her self and saying "hell to the no"? That kind of "salty?"

Girl I promise you imma love you love you all the way
To the end
L O V I N
Girl I'm serious, no more pretending
I received all the love your sending
I'll give my all if you give me just...
So, like five hours into my last hooker/drugz/gambling binge after that show in Vegas last month, I took a look around that shitty hotel room and it dawned on me that I have everything I need at home with you. So I wrote this stupid song in a last ditch attempt to save our fucked up relationship, and like...I'm for real this time. I'm really, really, gonna try to not be an asshat for really, really, reals.

One more chance
This time around it's time for a different flow
A new romance
Do the things we've never done before
For two or three weeks I'm gonna be like THE model baby daddy and take you out on dates and buy you flowers at the deli-n-shit. One day I'm even gonna clean up the apartment and do laundry, which like, I've never done before.

Cause I don't wanna do
The same mistakes that I made yesterday
I love you
I really love you baby I really love you baby
You're my boo. I wish I didn't fuck shit up all the time.

Lalala
Baby protect the love
Lalala this time around
Baby protect the love
Lalala
Baby protect the love
Laa this time around
This time around better get it right
This time around better get it right
If you're stupid enough to actually give me one more chance, this is like the last freakin' time. I ain't playin no more.

This time around, this time around, this time around, this time around
I promise baby imma change it
I'll remix it no more same shit
This time around, this time around, this time around, this time around
I promise baby I'll rearrange it I'll remix it no more same shit
This time around this time around this time around
Check it out now check it out now check it out now
Eh eh
So, like again, we're talking Barack Obama change--change we can believe in sorta shit.

Fuck your friends girl
They just haters they just think that I'm a playa
Ok, nowwwww we're gettin' to the meat of the motherfucker. Your baby mama's bitches are all gathered round telling her what a stupid, lame ass l00zer she is for sticking with your ass as long as she already has. Bitches be crazy-n-shit, but they look out for their fellow bizatches. You need to get all them outta the picture pronto.

But you don't see that love is greater
If not now then maybe later
Like, even if you don't take me back now, maybe you'd consider like revisiting the issue in a month or two?

Cause endlessly enormously
You will see my l o v will be strong until the end
Baby give me one more chance
Christ, I'm pullin out all the motherfuckin stops here. Are you feelin' me? Like at ALL?

This time around I'll get it fine I know
One more chance
Let me undo what I've done before
Cause I don't want to go
Another day, another lonely night
I don't wanna be
In this world without you in my life
One more chance
Your body isn't quite as slammin as some of my other honeys, but if I'm bein' realistic about shit, you're like prolly the best one for me because of the baby...and the fact that you haven't killed me yet in my sleep. So, like, can we try this thing one more time?

Lallalallalala
Lalalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalalala
Lalalalalalala
If you give my ass one more chance like I'm askin you to, I'll show you some of that secret special sauce, deep-n-dirty kinda lovin'...like the kind I showed that fifteen-year-old Puerto Rican mammy. Also this is a great example of an assonance, or the repetition of a vowel sound.

Whew, ok. Maybe next week we'll get into some scansion-n-shit. What song should we parse next?

Rock out with your cock out,
me