Dear Everyone***: There's Literally Nothing Going On Aside From The Election, And I Could Have Done Some Lame Post, But Here's Some Tribe Instead

A Tribe Called Quest |MTV Music

If I owned a car (which I don't...NYC motherfuckers), I'd so be rollin down the windows and blasting this Tribe song (Award Tour) on Weds after President Obama is all offish-n-shit. Can I get a what what??

TGIF,
m.e.

The Last Presidential Debate Drops 2 Nite, Yo

Dear Everyone, ***

Are you watching the last Presidential debate tonight??

I hope so, bias...cuz its gonna be good.

I might be a little late to the races, so live twittering is up in the airz, but you can manage without me, riight?

tune in or tune out,
me

p.s. John McCain is not going to be "whipping" anyone's "you know what"...except for maybe his own.

OHHHH...Sarah Palin Is A Fucking Genius! My Bad

Dear Everyone, ***

So, I saw the third part of the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric that aired last night. I watched the whole thing from start to finish, and all I can really say at this point is: WOW.

(.......)

(.......)

You don't exactly need to delve into "Colonel Mustard, with the knife, in the Library" type Clue shit in order to glean the fact that I think SP is a whiny, crazy, right-wing, bobble-headed freaky bitch. I mean, she's obvs dumb as dirt and honestly I think we're all enjoying the shit out of watching her stumble, stammer and generally fuck shit up for the McCain-iac and her party.

I love that her daughter is knocked up...and that she probs had an affair...and that her views on everything are so ridick and extreme, I don't feel one little iota of regret that I regularly post inflammatory shit about her and her and her daughter's baby daddy on my blog.

In fact, out of all the famous assholes in the world right now, she's mos def the ass-holiest for me.

But this one T-O-T-A-L-L-Y threw me for a friggin loopdy loop...and honestly, changes everything:

COURIC: And when it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read, before you were tapped for this, to stay informed and to understand the world?

PALIN: I've read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press for the media, I mean...

COURIC: Like what ones specifically? I'm curious that you...

PALIN: Um, all of 'em, any of 'em that um have been in front of me over all these years, um...

COURIC: Can you name any of them?

PALIN: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news too. Alaska isn't a foreign country where it's kind of suggested it seems like, wow how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, DC may be thinking and doing, when you live up there in Alaska. Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

ZOMGS, y'all! Sarah Palin reads EVERY newspaper and mag. Like in the whole wide world!

No wonder she gets confused about the fax here and there...she's got TMI runnin' around that adorable little head of hers!

She reads every single solitary newspaper and magazine in the whole universe!

How could she possibly be expected to remember:

*Time
*Newsweek
*The Economist
*The New Yorker
*Guns-n-Ammo
*Vanity Fair
*Popular Mechanics
*Men's Health
*Women's Health
*Bazaar
*Vogue
*Us Weekly
*Star
*OK!
*Wired
*Entertainment Weekly
*Allure
*Weight Watchers
*Martha Stewart Living
*In Style
*Modern Bride
*High Times
*Radar
*New York
*NJ Living
*Field & Stream
*Screenwriter
*The Hollywood Reporter
*Variety
*Forbes
*Food & Wine
*Woman's Day
*Ladies Home Journal
*Maxim
*Travel & Leisure
*Traditional HOme
*Car & Driver
*Popular Science
*Fortune
*Entrepreneur
*Elle
*Blender
*Metropolitan Home
*Sports Illustrated
*Smithsonian
*Essence
*Boating
*Cookie
*Parents
*Nylon
*Wallpaper
*Interview

OR

*New York Times
*New York Post
*New York Daily News
*Wall Street Journal
*Financial Times
*Washington Post
*Boston Herald
*Miami Herald
*Los Angeles Times
*USA Today
*Chicago Tribune
*Houston Chronicle
*Arizona Republic
*Newsday
*San Francisco Chronicle
*Dallas Morning News
*Newark Star-Ledger
*Philadelphia Inquirer
*Atlanta Journal-Constitution
*Minneapolis Star Tribune
*St. Petersburg Times
*Chicago Sun Times
*Telegraph
*Detroit Free Press
*Sacramento Bee

I mean, it all makes perfect sense now!

For serious, people.

You try it!

Try reading ALL of those newspapers and magazines in one day. Every single one of them. "All of 'em, any of 'em." And then try sitting down with a know-it-all newscaster like Katie Couric who is obvies just practiciing "gotcha Journalism" in order to stump you up. Then try to remember the answer to any fucking question on the planet!

ANY ONE OF EM'.

I dare you!

I double dawg dare you!

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, PEOPLE. COMPLETELY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.

How can someone who reads every single fucking last one of those newspapers and mags above be expected to:
a. Remember the name of any single one of those newspapers and mags above
b. Know the answers to questions relating to topics or issues discussed in any one of the newspapers or mags above.

Holy. Freakin. Ridiculousness! Right!?

RIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHTTT!?

Case closed.

Sarah Palin = Albert Einstein.

They're exactly the fucking same, people.

It's so obvious now.

knowledge is power,
woe is me

The Hills, S4: 8 - 'I Don't Get Uncomfortable, My Dear'

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm pretty sure tonight was the single stupidest ep of The Hills in like the history of the universe.

I sort of feel like I say that every week, but I really mean it this time.

I think its pretty safe to say that when I'm actually missing Lo, things have gotten just about as bad as they can get.

I mean, I'm literally sitting here feeling bad for Stephanie....and for Heidi's mom Darlene...and for Holly...and even for fucking Heidi. And I hate allll of them.

Here's what happened in 140 characters or less (easily Twitter-able): Doug pretended like he didn't like Steph (probs after they fucked), and Heidi's mom Darlene came to visit to try to break Spence & Heidi up. Fini.

Of course Heidi defended her superdouche BF until she was blue in the face; and of course everyone threw ShePratt under a bus b/c she's the show's new martyr, and eventhough the whole thing was mos def her fault, she used to be a drug addict and she's caught in the middle of Speidi & LC's fight and she has no friends, and blah, blah, fucking blah.

She'll probably show up next week pregnant with Doug's little burrito baby...eventhough they just went out for dinner and coffee.

So anyway, the story is: Doug didn't really even want to be friends with Steph, but he felt bad for her b/c she's like a lost little puppy. So he responded to her late night booty texts really just to be nice...cause he has no interest in for real getting involved with a basket case like that. But LC is pissed anyway...and so is Brody...and Frankie is probs mad too just by osmosis.

Darlene went out to "talk things out" with Spencer and ended up getting bitchslapped for daring to give a shit about her daughter Heidi in the first place. Cause Heidi belongs to Spencer now, and if he doesn't give a shit about her, NO ONE CAN.

Also Doug, the Burrito King, had a pool party and splashed Lauren and Whit when he cannonballed into his pool. Which was, actually, kind of funny.

Anyway.

I srsly miss Lo...I'm not kidding.

the rest is still unwritten,
please help m.e.

I Will Bet You $1.2 Trillion Dollars That Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel Are in Lurv Again

Dear Everyone, ***

During a day of horrendous fucking news to rival all horrendous fucking news...while I sit here and literally watch the remotest possibilities of my ass being able to retire before I'm in my seventies get flushed down the toilet like a dirty tampon...as my dog sits staring at me unsure if his designer, organic food is going to actually hit the bowl tonight after all (it did, duh), there was one little sliver of sunshiney deliciousness that made this day a touch less suicidal: Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are maybe back together.

I have no clue why I have somehow decided to pin the success of our nation on the positive or negative status of this relationship, but whatever.

I have.

And, so I have come to the following conclusion: If Sarah and Jimmy are legitimately back together, then everything will work itself out with the economy, the election, et al and we'll all be ok.

If they're not and this is somehow a huge misunderstanding, we're all fucked up the ass by a Haitian AIDS monkey.

No, this isn't exactly scientific, but also I'm probably right.

Sarah-n-Jimmy 2Getha 4eva (say it with me now).

L'shana Tova, bitches,
me

Jump A Jonas! A Jonas Brother WILL Get Fucked (If I Have Anything To Do With It)

Dear Everyone, ***

I present to you all: A call to Arms.

For serious.

I insist that every pair of eyeballs currently reading this shit, stand up and for once in your life, take some action! Do something! Contribute!

There is a radio station in Grand Rapids, Michigan that is offering $10,000 smackers to any man, woman or child that can prove penetration with either Kevin or Joe Jonas (for those of you with a hard on for curly top Nick Jonas...sorry. The dude is only 16, and that's what we like to call i-l-l-e-g-a-l round these parts).

It's the "Jump A Jonas" contest!

Fun!

Now, in order to collect your prize, you'll need to provide two pieces of proof, one of which needs to be a non-doctored video. I would suggest a Flip video camera, if you don't already own one. They're cheap, and super easy to hide in any standard pair of assless chaps or Dominatrix boots.

Now the other hitch is that you'll need to swipe the JoBro v-card with their consent. This point is key, as I guess the radio station doesn't want to be held responsible for a tween hearthrob rape (obvs).

I don't know about you, but I happen to think this contest is totally fucking awesome. In fact, I want to up this shit.

So here's the deal: If 104.5 WSNX actually does find some chump or chumpess who cops to getting a legit piece of JoBro ass, GET IN TOUCH WITH ME! If you can provide me with a pic of you doing something lewd and crude with a JoBro purity ring (JoBro needs to be in the pic too, people!), I'm willing to throw in an extra $500.

Word.

In case any of you bitches live in San Diego, I see that there is a Jonas Brothers concert coming up there on November 15th. You people are particularly well positioned to step up to the plate on this one.

For all you haters, you can go join the 18 other proJoBro l00zers in the STOP THE JUMP A JONAS CONTEST group on facebook. Or better yet, pony up your own hard earned cash in a counter contest: $25k to anyone who can prove they had an opp to fuck a JoBro and, instead, chose to stay chaste, for example. I don't know, figure it out for yourselves...I can't think of everything.

praise Jesus,
m.e.

Britney Spears New Track Womanizer Makes Me Feel Like Watching The Presidential Debate!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I really wanted to avoid any additional updates today in order to keep us all focused on the task at hand: praying that McCain fucks up colosally on tonight's debates (please, please, pretty please, Gawd!)

But, I didn't count on Brit Brit's single Womanizer dropping...cause that's just the sort of shit that simply can't be ignored.

Here's what I think:

Ok, maybe I'm just not used to hearing Britney's singing voice b/c its been so long...or maybe I'm just generally in a bad mood b/c my 401 is currently bleeding love, but as much as I want to love the shit out of this song, I kinda don't.

Le sigh.

I've already established that my musical taste pretty much sucks, so the bar is v. low already (just want to make sure no one is gonna accuse me of being a snobby, indie music devotee with ridiculously high standards. Never forget: I LOVED SoulDecision).

Was Brit's voice always this low and I just didn't notice? Me no likey. I def think she sounds her best in the song during the bridge when she's actually singing, as opposed to her breathy talking.

Having said that, I do admit that the tune is kinda catchy. I think I need to go listen to it 17 times in a row and see how I feel after that.

I'll report back.

boy don't try to front,
me.

UPDATE: I like it! Like really a lot! And it only took 6 listens...WOO HOO!

How Many Presidential Candidates Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Debate The Debate

Dear Everyone, ***

So, the first Presidential Debate is maybe, possibly, going to to happen tonight at 9pm. And if it does, I'm gonna be liveblogging it for your ass along with some other bloggers.

Come on over to We Op-Ed to check out the fun.

Also, you bitches can participate in this shit too! Current TV and Twitter has teamed up for "Hack the Debate," which will allow you to have your live Twitter posts superimposed on top of all the action.

Cuil!

And here's some more Twitter-iffic election stuff too.

Rock the vote,
me

Welcome To The Gayborhood, Clay Aiken

Dear Everyone, ***

Clay Aiken is gay!!??

WTF?

m.e.

p.s. Guess this class action fan lawsuit is back awn?

The Hills, S4: 7 - Doug, Doug, Doug, DOUG, DOUG, Doug-N-More DOUG

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy fucking Christ, it's opposite day on The Hills!

Here's how it works: enemies are BFF's, BFF's are enemies, "couples" that hate each other love each other, minor characters on the show R all the sudden major. Get it???

Shit be crazy...shit be crazy, yo.

So, Lauren bounced off to Italy leaving all of her bitches to basically go fucking ballistic while she was busy eating gelato and fettucine alfredo...La Traviata, much?

I'd love to watch the ep again a second time and count the actual number of times that the word "Doug" is uttered by every single solitary Hillsian...because that is pretty much the only topic of conversation for the rest of the show.

So, yeah...Stephanie went on a date with Doug.

Yep, THE Doug.

Burrito King Doug.

Lauren's Doug.

The one she didn't like.

Yep, that one.

CALL THE FUCKING NY TIMES, PEOPLE!

Get Richard Branson on the line, because this shit needs to be written on a mother fucking scroll and launched into outer space in a tube so that from now until the end of time, people will come to truly KNOW the wrath that She Pratt has wrought upon the world by choosing to GO OUT TO DINNER WITH DOUG.

Le Sigh.

(Sidenote: I'm pretty sure that the fact that I'm still watching this show week after week is a definitive cry for help. I'm jus sayin).

So.

Stephanie went on a date with Doug. And though the earth didn't completely fold on its axis, the oceans didn't dry up and the hell fires were not rained down upon us all, they did run into Brody's mom. Which I guess is sorta the same thing. And she told everyone.

Game over, bitch.

Even if you know nothing at all about The Hills, you're probaby still aware of the fact that LC does NOT stand for this sort of behavior.

Spencer had his usu :30 second asshole cameo, and Lo and Audrina totally made out (metaphorically, at least).

JustinBobby wore a hat that said "Hooligans."

Shit's gettin' so whack, Whit doesn't even bother to show up anymore...I wish I had her strength.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

We Came, We Saw, We Emmy'd

Dear Everyone, ***

A few quick thoughts on last night's (mostly) boring as shit Emmys:

• Sorry, Josh Groban: I guess this medley was sorta cool, but also it like really freaked me out for some reason. Anyone else?

• Heidi Klum: You need to hold onto your Project Runway job with all your might, cause you were by far the suckiest of all the hosts...followed by Tom Bergeron. (sidenote: Emmys, please don't ever pull that 5 host shit again. Massive FAIL).

• Yay for Damages! Srsly, people. I know that you don't watch this show. I know this because NO ONE watches this show and I have no fucking clue why. I downloaded Season 1 on itunes and spent the next 36 hours literally hanging on every last episode like it was crack cocaine. It rocked my fucking world. ATTN: Everyone whose eyeballs are currently reading this shit: WATCH THIS SHOW! You will love it. You will want to fuck it and will probably ask it to marry you. Promise. (sidenote: Boo FX for doing the worst advertising/pr campaign in the history of the whole entire world for these people).

• Yay for Tina Fey and 30 Rock and snarky, funny girls who wear glasses.

• Those bizarro TV set intros = WTF??

• Ricky Gervais was pure perfection and should have been hosting the whole fucking show.

• The no political discussion rule was annoying, though I guess I also would have been annoyed if every single presenter and award recipient was going on and on and on about the election. Ok, so fuck it...maybe it was a good idea.
  

• Fashion: LOVEd Jane Krakowski in her Versace Dress and Brooke Shields in her flouncy, pinky number, and Olivia Wilde ; HATEd this turquoise number on Mary Louise Parker (= v. bad color for her).

• Eva Longoria Parker is so 100% preggo and she keeps denying. S'like, look bitch. I'm sorry that you are constantly asked this question...and it should be something that you could keep private if you were no one...but you are a celeb and that's just that. So, just fucking admit it already!

• Lauren Conrad got to present an Emmy award!? As in LC? Also, she was on stage for about 12 mins!? W.T.F. for serious?? You know I love me some Hills, but that shit was ridick. I was waiting for the cast of the new 90210 to come out or maybe a few of the rich bitches from My Super Sweet 16. I refuse to believe that my standards are higher than The goddammed Emmys.
  

• Yay for the Pivert and his award for Best Supporting Actor, but that speech blew. Still love me some Entourage, tho.

• After finally finding a hairstyle that really, truly worked for an awards show, (at the offscreen event they do before the big one on TV), Kathy Griffith went and fucked it all up again with her Rapunzel hair extensions last night. They were grody to the max.

• I feel like 7/8 of this show are devoted to mini-series that I have never even fucking heard of. It's soooo borrrring.
  

• After that non-opening, that ending was truly bizarre. I had no idea that the show was even over, but I guess the horrible hosts had been going on too long at that point with all their totally unfunny banter. And so someone thought it would be hilair to just let Jeff Probst literally die on the stage in front of us. And it was...kinda.
  

I just don't understand how a show that is all about honoring amazing TV, always sucks chocolate salty balls? Like ALWAYS?

Whatevs,
m.e.

Is The World Coming To An End Simply Becuz I'm Now Getting Political Advice From Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson? You Decide

Dear Everyone, ***

Well, its done.

I'm standing right in the middle of the fucking place that I never thought I'd be.

Yup.

I'm actually suggesting that you all hop on over to myspace to take a look at the wise words of LezLo and SamRo regarding the upcoming election, that insane in the membrane cand that McYou'vegottabefuckingkiddingme picked, and the future of our country as we know it.

And I'm kinda serious.

This makes me feel both giddy and nauseous.

Anyway.

Now, if you'll excuse me I've go to go watch my 401k disappear faster than Willow Palin's virginity.

one love,
m.e.

9021-OH Crap

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I tried. I really, really, tried.

Despite my doom and gloom predictions, I wanted this show to rock. For really reals.

But after my initial surge of excitement during Ethan's opening scene BJ, it was pretty much all down hill from there.

The whole thing was pretty blah, right?

Here's why:

*ALL these bitches need some motherfucking acting lessons. This is not High School Fucking Musical. Stop mugging and projecting so much, bitches. You're all at a 9 and we need you at about a 6.5. No one's gonna be in any freakin Disney parades, so start acting like bitter, whiny teenagers for Christ's sake.

*I'm ready to send some tapes from last season's Nip / Tuck to the producers so that they can fully understand what a real villain like Naomi should be acting like. She was fucking her lesbian mother's lover's ex husband, snorting cocaine and dealing with an eating disorder 7 minutes into her first ep on FX. She needs to srsly bitch up her bitch factor here pronto.

*Not enough old schoolers! The Kellie/Brenda shit was like the only major bright spot in that two hour crap sandwich. I did appreciate the Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez shout out, but you people need to get ALL the originals back up in dat shit right now if you want to save this drowning kittten.

*All around lameness. Sorry, not to be a mother chucker or anything, but the world is a different place now: i.e. we've got Gossip Girl (you loser writers ever see that one???). Here's the take away: u guys need to majorly step up your game if you want to hang.

So here's my advice: Sex, drugs-n-rock-n-roll...like A LOT. Put it in e-v-e-r-y episode, all over the fucking place. EVERYWHERE. It's your only hope for survival.

Kelly Kapowski for Vice President!
m.e.

Miley Cyrus is Better Than Everyone At Everything: Congrats To The Ultimate Dance Off Champion

ACDC Teen Choice Awards 2008

M&M Crew Teen Choice Awards 2008

Dear Everyone, ***

OMG, you bitches totally suck!

How could I have missed this? And how could no one have emailed me/twittered me/or facebook'd me about it??

Miley Cyrus and ACDC had their final, in-person dance off at the Teen Choice Awards this past Sunday, and not one of you mofos bothered to fill me in!?

Sheet.

I've been tuned into this action from day one and (sniff) I'm, admittedly, a little sad that my one and only legitimate connection to the sexy pic, iphone lovin' tween queen has now been permanently quashed. But like also, I'm kinda outraged.

What you don't see in the vid is Miss Fergalicious herself, crowning Miley & Mandy the ultimate dance off champs as the audience cheers on with unbridled, hysterical Hannah Montana glee.

M&M Cru won?? Wha??

I mean, fine. I admit it. I do love me some Miley, but an M&M Cru victory!? That shit is just cracked out Whitney Houston-like insanity.

ACDC rawked the motherfuckin house out at every stage of this dance off, and goddamit, they wuz robbed!

All those screaming teenyboppers done gone and had their brains scrambled up by those hott pix of Miley's abs-n-shit. That's the only explanation.

Or maybe it was just LL.

I mean, that is sort of the quickest way to end any ongoing longterm beef. I believe the Law of LL states: if you can convince LL Cool J to publicly take your side in any ongoing conflict, whether real or imaginary, the other side must immediately concede defeat or risk permanent, unrelenting societal embarrassment.

And so, the biggest online dance battle in the history of the world has, sadly, come to an abrupt and shocking end.

"Mama said knock you out," indeed,
me

SYTYCD Week 8: Cat Looks HOtty Hott Hot, Even With a Motherfuckin Grill!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I'm lazy, and you guys are bored, and Adam Shankman is probs still crying, so we're gonna try something new tonight: SYTYCD in five words or less.

Rather than my full-on long winded play by play analysis, I'm going to give you the first five words that come to mind after watching each dance. It will kinda be like a trip to you shrink's office, except we won't be accomplishing anything and there will be way more cursing.

[sidenote: Mary was off the chain tonight with the rape screams, right?? She looked gorge, tho]

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Mark
Dance #1
Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Viennese Waltz
Twinkle twinkle little Mark; hottness

Dance #2
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Jazz
Crazy, sexy, cool, funky weirdness.

Joshua & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce DiOrio
Contemporary
Holy.Freakin.Fabulousness.Fuck.Yeah.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Paso Doble
Final two fer sure, fight!

Chelsie & Twitch
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Mambo
Shake those ruffles everywhere, bitch!

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Kinda cool, kinda weird. Hmm.

All the solos were pretty rockin, but once again, Twitch = mybitch.

K, so here are my bottom two bebes:
*Chelsie
*Courtney (eventhough I think she seriously rocked it)

And bottom two baby daddy's:
*Twitch (eventhough he RULEZ my motherfuckin world)
*Mark

And goin home?: Courtney& Twitch (le sigh).

If Heidi Montag can fucking vote, so can you people.

Do. It,
me

WTFAYTA Fergie: Clumsy

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not sure why, but for some crazy Black Eyed Peas reason, I kind of love every single one of Fergie's songs. I even love Fergie's name...and often what she wears (i.e mom shorts = win). OH, and also: she's smokin' hot.

So, she's been on my WTFAYTA radar for awhile now.

Also, I've tried really hard to incorporate "Fergalicious" into my vocab and, uhm, its goin' pretty well I guess. I mean, this blog is pretty fuckin' Fergalicious--so there's that. And this post, in particular, is over the top Fergalicious, so yeah.

Anyway, let's get to it!

WTFAYTA Fergie?


Clumsy:
The girl can't help it oh baby Can't help it
I'm not very good at practicing self-control or making smart decisions...esp when I drink (LOL!) I can't help myself!

First time
That I saw your eyes
You remember...we were at that little bar in the E. Village...the one where there is no name above the door and you just havta KNOW that its there? I had just broken up with that asshole trader dude who always said "righteous" and dragged his "ssss"...like this: "RIGHTEOUSSSSSSSS." Gawd was that annoying. Anyway, he dumped me and I was pissed and feeling fat...and then you walked in and I was all: hello witch your bad self.

Boy you looked right through me, mmm mmm
Yeah, so you were there with your friends and like, at first, did not notice me at all. I tried walking by a few times and still no dice, so then I unbuttoned my shirt two (!) buttons too low (and pretended like OOPS, didn't realize!) and parked myself on the stool right next to your ass, and that seemed to work pretty ok...after eight or nine drinks.

Play it cool
Yes I have a job (kinda). No I don't live with my parents (all the time).

But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm
Duh...like why else would I have given you a bj in the bathroom if there wasn't some sort of real karmic konnection.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
i.e. Clumsy, like with my birth control pills

Can't help it
Sex on the beach

The girl can't help it oh baby
Sea breeze

Can't help it
(jaeger shot)

The girl can't help it oh baby
Lemon Drop ( Thx Carlos!!)

Can't help it
Pomegranate Martini

The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
White Russian (= beginning of the end)

Can't breath When you touch my sleeve, Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Bj. Bathroom. Haven't we discussed, already?

Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm
Yeah cause like I have my sister's wedding coming up and I sure as hell am NOT gonna be sittin at that head table looking like some pathetic single thirtysomething out of a fucking Emily Giffin chick lit book...so like I need some sort of a motherfuckin game plan...and you were pretty much it (and also I think you promised you go with me that first night...when we were in the bathroom and I asked you. Do you remember? Right before you bj?).

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Like this: "Cute drunk girls dancing and falling on their ass"

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
And this: "Drunk Bitch"

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
So in love with you
I mean, it kinda felt like I couldn't help myself that first night, but that was mostly because I couldn't fit into those $300 Paige jeans I had just bought and I had convinced myself that no one would ever want me again...ever. And then like you did...that night! Right there in the bathroom! LOL!

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me This love sick thing
That was in 7th grade after I let Matt Leibowitz get to second base with me behind the bleachers in gym class. We never spoke again after that. Good times.

I like serious relationships and a A girl like me dont stay single for long
HELLO...major self esteem issues

Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up
(which is pretty fucking often, actually)

My world is crushed and I'm all alone
see lyrics to "All By Myself" (yes...the Celine Dion version)

The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back
Kind of like crabs--not that like I have ANY idea what that's all about but I read something in Cosmo once and like also overheard these two chicks in the locker room of my gym talking. Other than that, I have no experience at all with STD's...I mean zero. N-o-n-e.

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I mean, fine...I was calling a lot and also had no right to show up at your office that one day unannounced (or set up that meeting with your boss) but I def think the restraing order was maybe a teensy bit over the top? Just a smidgen?

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I don't know...I mean, I don't think I'd be hanging on here so hard if there weren't like a really real, for REALS konnection between the two of us...doncha think?? I mean, you told me yourself that you thought I was super hot (that first night...in the bathroom...before the bj) and that was like a pretty major turning point for me.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Restraining order, blah, blah, blah
Will you call me back if I agree not to call you more than 12 times per day?

Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
Do you have any friends you could set me up with?

So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you
I still really think this could work.

And, we did it! Another song parsed and dismantled from the inside out...yay us.

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that there's a motherfuckin lesson for every single one of us here: bj's in the bathroom of a nameless bar with strangers = (usually) bad news.

Thanks, Fergie! That was Fergalicious!

Wanna go down like London Bridge,
me

No One's Got Luv For Top Gun 2!? Fuck All Y'All!!!!! I Have NOT Lost That Lovin' Feelin

Dear Everyone, ***

OK, so I can see that the whole mother fuckin' blogosphere is up in arms over this possible Top Gun 2 situation.

Word on the street is that there is a Top Gun 2 script locked and loaded and everyone is just waitin for Tom Cruise to shine his heart light on it so the studio can yell "ready, set, $$$!"

Based on my preliminary research, I am just about the only bitch ass ho on the world wide webs who thinks this shit is a good idea:

*Videogum: Let's Hope the Top Gun Sequel Idea Crashes and Burns
*CelebuCrap: Top Gun 2? Just Say NO!!
*Perez Hilton: Hoping to Revive His Career
*Cinematical: Oh No! 'Top Gun2'?
*The Bad & Ugly: WTF: Top Gun 2?

Ok, so like what is everyone's motherfuckin' beef?

I mean, did the studio ask all y'all to put up the freakin money for the movie yourselves?--empty out your 401k's-n-shit??

I mean, we're talking about one of the greatest movies of all time here (trust me, I watched this shit again very recently and it still holds up after 22 years). And, sure, I get that there is a verry strong possibility of this shit gettin way messed up, but like what if it doesn't??

What if, the planets align, and Al Gore repairs the ozone layer, and Brangelina adopts another third-world baby and the whole thing just comes together like the cast of 90210 two point oh did?

What if THAT?

Isn't now the time for healing??

True confessions: there is scarcely a celeb alive today that I detest more than Tom Cruise...with his fake ass marriage, all the ridick scientology insanity and his preachy, know-it-all swagger. But even I'M willing to put that shit aside for Pete Mitchell.

FUCKING MAVERICK, PEOPLE!!


Show some goddamned respect.

I'm sorry, but I think every last one of you douches need to keep your grown mouths shut the fuck up before TC Almighty starts looking at the internets and convincing hisself that people don't actually want to see this jam.

We want this movie, Tom.
We need this movie, Tom.

Top Gun 2 could maybe rock. Admit it! It's P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

You can see it too, can't you!? Just walk into the light with me, people. DO. IT.

I feel the need...the need for speed,
m.e.

Kanye West Blogs His Fuckin Face Off: Weekly Wrap Up 7.20.08: Hot Rod Edition (Pun In-Fucking-Tended)

Dear Everyone, ***

Yeezy has been buzy...like for realzy.

So, like feel free to do whatever the fuck you losers want, but personally I find that Kanye's blog is best experienced in full-on ninja immersion style...like an all day Kan-frence. For me, this is simply the most enjoyable way to just friggin BeKanye.

So like I don't check my RSS reader all week until I am good and ready to dive head first into the full on parsing of Kanye's blog-o-verse. I mean, I take this shit seriously so I'm not just gonna willy nilly milli vanilli dip my toe into the Kanye West infotainment pool without my goggles, ear plugs and up-to-100-feet waterproof ipod on tap, right??

So yeah, imagine my surprise today when I krumped on over to kanyeuniversecity dot com slash blog only to discover that there are: 60 FUCKING NEW POSTS. That's like six oh, people...fifty-eight, fifty-nine, S-I-X-T-Y...since last Sunday.

Shit.

S'like, I'm gonna need to start another fucking blog JUS to deal with Kanye's ass.

Anyway.

Here's what Kanye's blogging his fuckin face off about this week:


ALL KANYE BLOG CONTENT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF KANYE'S OWN MOTHERFUCKIN' BRAIN: First off, don't even think about frontin like Kanye aint writing a-l-l this shit on his very own. His ass is blogging 24/7, people, upside down, inside out and outside in. In the morning, in the evening, and even in the middle of very important recording sesh's when, (just a guess here), the LV Don should probs be doing 17 million other things instead of gettin' his blog on. But dude's gotta blog when the dude's gotta blog! (Blawg on, brutha!) Macbook AIR, motherfuckers!

Fave comment in response:

Futureandbeyond08 | July 16, 2008 Look ye, fuck that dude, I know u be on this joint handling ya bi, and u know it too. This is my first comment I ever left on this site, I just wanna say thanks for making this possible for us fans to be able to communicate wit u like this. Please please please!! Check my myspace page www.myspace.com/futuretheundergrad.

(ED Note: checked the myspace page Futureandbeyond08, and I kinda dug that "On My Hustle" jam).

VROOM, VROOM: Holy Ferrari Scuderia, Yeez...seems like life is a highway this week, hunh? Price of gas sure as shit ain't gettin you down witch your Lexus Nuaero, Beamer 7-Series, BMW Gran Turismo, Vertitas RSIII and ur Peugeot Concept Vehicle. Diddy and Fiddy got a Rolls Royce Phantom tho, so...I'm just sayin'.

Fave comment in response (Peugeot Concept Car):

LoveandHate | July 17, 2008 John Mccain on the cover of the New Yorker 'gay' wrestling with Dubya. I'm soooo over those old farts. RUNEM' over with your batmobile chaingang... badluck in name u dig???

HOTT HONEY HO HO'S OF THE WEEK: For all you horndogs in DFA's burgeoning online readership universe (yeah, YOU, y.o.u and YOU), you best cancel your monthly membs to Suicide Girls-n-shit. I mean, why on earth would you spend good money for whack off lit when Kanye's providin morethanenuff to keep you buzy for dayz, son. I mean, just look at this woman Sarah Shahi's bee stung lips...you connectin' the dots, homes? I'm not, personally, vibin' on Quiana Grant, but like diffrn't strokes for diffrn't folks. Erica Mena steps up to the motherfuckin' plate with some jammin' slutty snaps (replete with pink furs-n-shit), and Louise Glover shows us all what a Victoria's Secret catalog might look like if Victoria were an actual prostitute. Angel Tara = meh (Girl of the Week!? Really, Ye?). Eva Mendes, on the other hand is someone whose cherry chapstick I'd t-o-t-a-l-l-y like to taste.

Fave comment in response (Eva Mendes):
LoveandHate | July 19, 2008

meow... Is this the masturbation site or Kanye West the freaky artist? haLOL You love the pics of women in their drawels huh kanye? Like seeing how phat the cat is... TYPICAL.
(ED Note: that's TWO fuckin wins for LoveandHate. Preach, homes!).

ART FOR ART'S SAKE?: Thankfully, the slutty bitch theme continues with this week's featured artists! Photographer Julia Fullerton-Batten takes pics of girls in bikinis mixed in with a weird water fetish. In Doll Face, a short film, a woman's face is dismantled. Kewl! LOL!

Fave comment in response:
p | July 19, 2008

Stop babe. Stop. How bout if u were in opposite positions. What would u think then. Same posts. It was right thing to do. I made it clear I won't turn my back on u for anything. We argued more than we got along. And we both get caught up in work and babe I know I will change to make u happy and then one day go why did I change. And walk. U know for me prefer this route much more low key already wanted to run. I won't go back. I refuse. I won't go thru what I went thru last night. I can't take it. Rather be alone then to c this fall apart. U know its true too. I am out all the time. I won't change. Going in two weeks to see my seal friend. Will drive u batty. Took me a long time to get here and cut people off that judge me for no reason. I don't want to go back to who I was. Changing to make people happy. And I will I know how I am when I care about someone. In the end we don't even have a friendship. Then add in our tempers.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL?: Uh huh (no LOL's req'd). Yeezy waited a year and a fucking half and probs had to have his security guard give Marc Jacobs a BJ for this mofo backpack.

Fave comment in response:
Kid_Brother | July 20, 2008

DDDDOPPPPEE!!

WEEKLY WILDCARD: Positive K's "I Gotta Man" Video. No clue??? Me neither.

Fave comment in response:

RithyHickman | July 19, 2008

"I kick in like a turbo booster," childhood foreal. But you know what? The third girl he was talking to always made me feel a certain way when I was a kid, and after seeing the video, I realized it was the initial feelings of being turn on, or aroused if you will. I didn't know what it was then but that leather dress really did it for me, lol.
Cruzin the A-T-L (break!)
1luv > ATL >World

Phew, we did it!

Remember: It's Kanye's world...we're all just livin in it.

[Sux to NOT BeKanye :( ]

me

'It's Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby...'

Dear Everyone, ***

Question of the day: Would the world, indeed, be a better place if Justin Timberlake and David Beckham were actually an item?

Answer: Hells yeah, motherfuckers!

LezLo who? Ellen, wha?

Day-trippin,
me

SeXXy Miley Cyrus Pics = So What?

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not really quite sure what all the motherfuckin fuss is about here, but as we try to be somewhat timely with our correspondence, I guess we need to acknowledge the fact that some semi-sexy, but barely any big deal whatsoever photos of Miley Cyrus have surfaced.

Of course, by "surfaced" we mean some perv hacked into her iphone, probably scrolled through thousands of sweet and completely innocent photos and then came up with these few semi-controversial ones. Allegedly, these were some pics that she sent off to Nick Jonas, (one of the Jonas Brothers--but don't ask me to point out which fucking Jonas b/c I have no friggin clue) when they were dating.

Here's what I have to say about this whole goddamned ridiculousness: WTFMF's?

Jamie Lynn Spears just gave birth to a freakin baby at 17; Emma Watson routinely gets snapped wearing see-through panties; Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and half of Beverly Hills High School have been to motherfuckin jail! Are we really all up in arms over a photo of Miley in the shower with her tshirt on!?

True, I guess after the VF controversey this is all slightly more juicy, but COME ON PEOPLE. Really!? You should see some of the pics I have on my iphone! Let's just say that they would make these Miley wet tshirt snaps in the shower look like passport photos.

I'm a little surprised by it myself, but over the past few months I have developed some mad love for Miss Miley Montana. I think we all just need to leave this bitch alone and let her have her good, ole teenaged fun. If she were my daughter, I'd be dancing a fucking jig..."You mean you're not knocked up? You didn't get pulled over with cocaine in your car? You're not doing horse tranqs with Amy Winehouse in the bathroom?"

Hall-e-fucking-leu-jah.

Also, Miley's in a motherfucking dance off, people, so that's like a lot of pressure for a young girl to be dealin with--show some God damned respect!

Sheesh.

Mad for Miley,
me