Watching Angelina Jolie Breastfeed Is Not Nearly As Thrilling As I Imagined It Would Be (Le Sigh)

Dear W Magazine, ***

I really do think its rad that you're coming out with your Angelina Jolie BREAST FEEDING cover...and that you guys are cutting edge enough to not think twice about allowing a little ole thing like BREAST FEEDING interfere with your editorial policy.

But if you keep telling everyone that this BREAST FEEDING cover is coming...and you are hyping the shit out of Angie's BREAST FEEDING cover (shot by Brad Pitt, natch) more than that friggin adorable Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie...and you are releasing early photos of the Ange BREAST FEEDING cover to whet everyone's whistle...uhm, I kinda maybe thought that we might see (I don't know), her BREAST.

Guess not.

[WTF?!]

This Newsweek cover showin' Sarah Palin's mustache is edgier.


Jus sayin,
me.

Uhm, Yeah...So, the Bragelina Twinsies, Vivienne & Knox, Are Revealed in People Magazine or Something

Dear People Magazine, *?

I guess the $14 millies you shelled out for the Brangelina deuce baby photos were worth it, because for the first time in my life I'm actually planning to go buy one of your stupid magazines today.

My only question is this: why only 30 pages?

For $14 million dollars I would have plastered the whole fucking magazine from start to finish with Knox & Vivienne. In fact, not only would I require that their little baby asses make it onto every last fucking page, but I would have also insisted that they pose for every goddammed advertisement that appeared in the issue as well.

Knox & Vivienne have no more tears with Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo!

Viv & Knoxy can Taste the Rainbow with Skittles!

Vivi-Knox: Are They Ready for safe and effective weight loss with Alli?

I mean, who the christ is doing your negotiating over there anyway?

Ok. Fine. Whatever. You loozers keep runnin' shit however u want.

All I'm sayin is that these better be the 30 most baby-tastic, baby-licious, afrika boom-baby-bata spec-twinsy-tacular pages of double deuce baby fabulousness that I've ever layed my peepers on.

In other words: I wanna be totally Knox-ed out.

(Pa)xo, (Pa)xo,
me

Brangelina Drops A Deuce: Welcome Jolie-Pitt Twinsies!

PLEASE NOTE: These are not the actual fucking twinsies, people. Who the frig do you think I am? God Almighty??

Dear Knox Leon & Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, *?

Fina-fucking-ly!

You two little mini baby bitches sure took your own sweet time making your entrance--very clever, of course. Not since, I don't know the American Idol finale (?), has the world been so glued to the edge of their seats waiting, hoping, wondering, "did they/or didn't they finally drop?"

Though you will, no doubt, be clamoring to crawl back into the peace and comfort of Mama Angelina's womb in the years to come, let me be the 1,023,443rd person to say: Welcome, Brange twinsies!

A few things to note:

*PHOTO SHOOTS: OK! Magazine has probably already got a shoot planned to for both your asses, so you might want to cleanse for the next few days, you know, just to get rid of all of your toxins. Stay away from carbs and plan to spend some serious time at the gym. For $15+ millies, you better look your fucking best.

*INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL & YOUR IMAGE: You guys better get your fucking passport photos, toot sweets. Mommy and Daddy like to jetset...a lot. And you do NOT want to be stuck at home with the fucking nanny brigade while mom, dad and the rest of your Brady Bunch brood are building schools in Africa-n-shit, simply because you did not fill out all of your paperwork properly. It's not gonna be easy to steal the spotlight from your other bros and sissies (Shiloh is already poised for supermodel status, Maddox is fucking hot and Pax and Z both have way better names than you do), so you bitches have gots to be in it to win it.

*SCIENTOLOGY = BAD: Try to keep your distance from the Cruises, the Smiths and the Beckhams...that Scientology shit is whack. Do NOT, under any circumstance allow your asses to be sent to Will & Jada's new scientology training camp private school.

*YOU ARE NOT FRENCH: Also, please understand that just cuz you were born in France, it does not mean that you are French. After you figure this out, please share this information with Johan & Francois from Real Housewives of New York City.

K so this is it guys...time to step up to the plate. You two little Brange mini me's are officially the most famous celebu-spawn in the history of Planet Earth.

Don't fuck this up, baby bitches.

Rattle my cage,
me

BREAKING: Brangelina Baby Bumpitty Bump Bump Photos On Dear Famous Asshole?! For Realz???

Dear Brange, **

As the world continues to ignore real life honest to gawd news items, such as the fact that we finally have a freakin Democratic presidential candidate (oh yeah, and he's Black); or that there was some major ass flooding this weekend all across the U.S. of A. that, like, killed some people; or that Steve Jobs is announcing Apple's new iphone today, ensuring all of the bitch ass chumps who have the first one feel lame, stupid, jealous and served, its time to pwn up to the fact that you two are pretty much the chief cause of all of this woo hoo.

The world has been on twinsies watch for several weeks now, and until you "deliver the goods," so to speak, we (as in the collective 'we') have no real hope of moving past this on to bigger, better and, likely, even more soul sucking sorts of things.

Word on the street is that you effers are likely going to get offers of up to $22 millies for the exclusive photos of your new little hot mamas, and I def do get that that is a lot of scratch. BUT, I also know that you two don't need a god damned penny of it and are probably busy right now stuffing your new double double's mattresses with the leftover cash from your $60 million ATM run to lease that tres 'Jolie' French castle.

So here's the dealio: I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I think that I've come up with the single most brilliant strategy for dealing with this whole baby mama drama frenzy that would virtually ensure, once and for all, that you could stick it to the paps and the media like you've never stuck it to them before. Trust me when I say that this would go down in history as the biggest, baddest check mate move in celebrity canon (E!'s Most Shocking Celebrity Moments, pull out your little notepads right fucking now). Though your place in history is, granted, already pretty firmly entrenched, this would create an unsinkable, rock solid foundation that even those asshats over at Gray's Anatomy couldn't chip through.

Give exclusive rights to your new, sexy, double trouble baby photos to a completely unknown, poorly trafficked, non-entity blog like Dear Famous Asshole!

Hollah!!?? Is this brilliant, or is this brilliant?! Do you love it!?

I mean, come on. You know for a stone cold Steve Austin fact that this would s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y piss off every mother effer who ever screwed you guys over with a nasty photo, a full-o-lies story or a stalkerazzi moment from the time the two of you first swapped spit. It would be a benchmark moment in the history of media. You would be heroes to everyone: other bitter, thankless celebs who complain how hard it is to make bazillions and smile for the camera, the public at large, who will be spared both the expense and the embarrassment of buying an OK Magazine, and of course, all of the other unknown bloggers with their own poorly trafficked sites, and all of the insignificant fucks who ocassionally, but not often, follow them. You'd be virtually guaranteed another 2 to 3 lines in your Brangelina/Power Couple Wikipedia entry for this stunt, and best of all, you'd be doing a good deed for me too!

I get that we're not talking rebuilding homes for katrina victims or adopting children from third world countries sort of good deeds, but what about helping me to be the architect of MY own future, BRAD?? What about that?? Good deeds, like hookers, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. and I'm just askin' for a little reverse affirmative action, just this one little ole time.

I understand that you'll probably need a day or so in order to submit this idea to the Brangelina thinktank advisory board, so please have at it. Then give me call if and only if you feel like making the history books with me.

Two babies are always better than one!

Honest to blog,
me