Kanye West Is In Jail! That's Bad 4 Kanye, But So Good 4 MEEEEE!!!

Dear Kanye, ***

I'm SO sorry you got arrested this morn at the airport, but dude this fucking rocks for me!!!

Now that your ass is in jail, you're not gonna be able to blog! Like, at all!

So, I can FINALLY catch up on my Kanye Universe City dot com feed (804 ITEMS, SON!)

Wheeeeeee!!!

This rules...thank you sooo much!

(Can you give me like a week or so? I've gots to catch up on six eps of I Want To Work for Diddy 2 nite, and Poprah is on fire!).

freedom tastes oh so good,
me

UPDATED: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

If Scarlett Johansson Is Your Fave White Girl, Kanye West, Where The Eff Does That Leave Me??

Dear Kanye, ***

Ouch.

Here's a question for you: how the hell do you think it made me feel when I surfed and turfed on over to Kanye universe city dot com today, only to discover that you have publicly declared Scarlett Johansson your "favorite white girl."

Answer: Like this chick did when Lily Allen punched her in the fucking face three times.

Basically, I'm bleeding love all over my macbook.

Your use of seven (!!!!!!!) exclamation points, did not do much in assuaging the Darfur-like pain shooting straight through my motherfucking heart as I clicked my ass through SIX pages of Scarlett Johannson photos. S-I-X pages, Yeez!?

You've got naughty Scarlett, sexy Scarlett, demure Scarlett, naked Scarlett, varsity letter Scarlett, rockstar Scarlett, nerdy Scarlett, Audrey Hepburn Scarlett, bikini Scarlett...can you say "overkill"?

And like what's so freakin' special about ScarJo anyway? I mean, I guess if you're into shit like a kick ass bod, a gorgeous face, an unbelievable rack or bee stung lips, she's OK, but way to be shallow, dude.

I admit, I've been totally lax in doing my weekly Kanye parses, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still 100% committed to the BeKanye way. And, also, like I thought we had something really special going?

This Scarlett thing just really threw me off tho, cause like there ain't no white girl that's whiter than I am.

I demand a recount, Yeez...don't count my ass out so fast.

caucasian persuasion,
me

Kanye West Blogs His Fuckin Face Off: Yeezy Discovers Katy Perry (Only 6 Mos Later Than Everyone Else on Planet Earth)

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not gonna lie.

With 60+ posts per week on all sorts of shit I couldn't even begin to dream knowin about, I was kinda taken aback to discover that Yeez was unaware of the #1 fucking song in the country for the past fourteen thousand weeks, but goddamit, that's how he keeps our asses guessin! Yeezy's so buzy scoutin' cool ass real estate and hot honey ho ho's, he can't exactly be expected to waste his time on Billboard Top 100 charts.

Like, duh.

Thank gawd Kanye finally caught up with the whole lez thing [expect a "WTF...WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!? post soon re: Linds & SamRo]. Next week maybe he'll discover Miley Cyrus and her newest naugty XXX pics!

Anyway.

Yeez likes to blog about pretty much e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, so I gots to abridge some shit if I have any hope of continuing this weekly parse without immediately burning out like the psychadelic lights on this stupid ass bike.

So, yeah. Here's what Kanye's blogging his fuckin face off about this week:


I Don't Get This One...At All: Ok, this is some sort of bizarro time machine that helps us connect to the smells of our past? I'm guessin Yeez already bought four.


Tits: Grrlz, grrlz, grrlz is pretty much Kan's theme every week so nothin new on this front. BUT, this week he pays some special attensh to all his biggest boobie'd honeys. In fact, there's nary a bitch in site this week who's not sportin at least a double D. Kanye to world: big titties = v. good.

*Veronica Zemanova - gigantic Czech tits
*Denise Milani - more huge Czech tits
*Big Boobed German ho - gettin' eatin out by a dog
*"Jade" Susette Moyers - enormous Irish, German, Dutch, English & Choctaw Indian titties
*Vanna Black - nice-n-bigg African American, French, Irish Dutch & Cherokee Indian hooters
*Alexis Lopez - large and in charge American breastisis
(I think its safe to put a subscription to Jugs on the ole Xmas list at this point)



Most Bizarre Shout Out: Diggy from Run's House? WTF. I have no earthly clue why I am looking at 38 pics of this kid.

Yeezy is Stylin: Vanity Fair chose the Louis Vuitton Don as one of the best dressed of 2008. No jokes here cuz my boy always has his shit lookin' tight and I like to give props where props r due. Word.

The Future of Time: Uhm, like cool Yeez, but don't think I didn't notice what the fuck time it was on ur thumb. S-m-o-o-t-h.

Remember bias: It's Kanye's world...we're all just livin in it.

Be Kind. BeKanye,
me

Kanye West Blogs His Fuckin Face Off: Weekly Wrap Up 7.20.08: Hot Rod Edition (Pun In-Fucking-Tended)

Dear Everyone, ***

Yeezy has been buzy...like for realzy.

So, like feel free to do whatever the fuck you losers want, but personally I find that Kanye's blog is best experienced in full-on ninja immersion style...like an all day Kan-frence. For me, this is simply the most enjoyable way to just friggin BeKanye.

So like I don't check my RSS reader all week until I am good and ready to dive head first into the full on parsing of Kanye's blog-o-verse. I mean, I take this shit seriously so I'm not just gonna willy nilly milli vanilli dip my toe into the Kanye West infotainment pool without my goggles, ear plugs and up-to-100-feet waterproof ipod on tap, right??

So yeah, imagine my surprise today when I krumped on over to kanyeuniversecity dot com slash blog only to discover that there are: 60 FUCKING NEW POSTS. That's like six oh, people...fifty-eight, fifty-nine, S-I-X-T-Y...since last Sunday.

Shit.

S'like, I'm gonna need to start another fucking blog JUS to deal with Kanye's ass.

Anyway.

Here's what Kanye's blogging his fuckin face off about this week:


ALL KANYE BLOG CONTENT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF KANYE'S OWN MOTHERFUCKIN' BRAIN: First off, don't even think about frontin like Kanye aint writing a-l-l this shit on his very own. His ass is blogging 24/7, people, upside down, inside out and outside in. In the morning, in the evening, and even in the middle of very important recording sesh's when, (just a guess here), the LV Don should probs be doing 17 million other things instead of gettin' his blog on. But dude's gotta blog when the dude's gotta blog! (Blawg on, brutha!) Macbook AIR, motherfuckers!

Fave comment in response:

Futureandbeyond08 | July 16, 2008 Look ye, fuck that dude, I know u be on this joint handling ya bi, and u know it too. This is my first comment I ever left on this site, I just wanna say thanks for making this possible for us fans to be able to communicate wit u like this. Please please please!! Check my myspace page www.myspace.com/futuretheundergrad.

(ED Note: checked the myspace page Futureandbeyond08, and I kinda dug that "On My Hustle" jam).

VROOM, VROOM: Holy Ferrari Scuderia, Yeez...seems like life is a highway this week, hunh? Price of gas sure as shit ain't gettin you down witch your Lexus Nuaero, Beamer 7-Series, BMW Gran Turismo, Vertitas RSIII and ur Peugeot Concept Vehicle. Diddy and Fiddy got a Rolls Royce Phantom tho, so...I'm just sayin'.

Fave comment in response (Peugeot Concept Car):

LoveandHate | July 17, 2008 John Mccain on the cover of the New Yorker 'gay' wrestling with Dubya. I'm soooo over those old farts. RUNEM' over with your batmobile chaingang... badluck in name u dig???

HOTT HONEY HO HO'S OF THE WEEK: For all you horndogs in DFA's burgeoning online readership universe (yeah, YOU, y.o.u and YOU), you best cancel your monthly membs to Suicide Girls-n-shit. I mean, why on earth would you spend good money for whack off lit when Kanye's providin morethanenuff to keep you buzy for dayz, son. I mean, just look at this woman Sarah Shahi's bee stung lips...you connectin' the dots, homes? I'm not, personally, vibin' on Quiana Grant, but like diffrn't strokes for diffrn't folks. Erica Mena steps up to the motherfuckin' plate with some jammin' slutty snaps (replete with pink furs-n-shit), and Louise Glover shows us all what a Victoria's Secret catalog might look like if Victoria were an actual prostitute. Angel Tara = meh (Girl of the Week!? Really, Ye?). Eva Mendes, on the other hand is someone whose cherry chapstick I'd t-o-t-a-l-l-y like to taste.

Fave comment in response (Eva Mendes):
LoveandHate | July 19, 2008

meow... Is this the masturbation site or Kanye West the freaky artist? haLOL You love the pics of women in their drawels huh kanye? Like seeing how phat the cat is... TYPICAL.
(ED Note: that's TWO fuckin wins for LoveandHate. Preach, homes!).

ART FOR ART'S SAKE?: Thankfully, the slutty bitch theme continues with this week's featured artists! Photographer Julia Fullerton-Batten takes pics of girls in bikinis mixed in with a weird water fetish. In Doll Face, a short film, a woman's face is dismantled. Kewl! LOL!

Fave comment in response:
p | July 19, 2008

Stop babe. Stop. How bout if u were in opposite positions. What would u think then. Same posts. It was right thing to do. I made it clear I won't turn my back on u for anything. We argued more than we got along. And we both get caught up in work and babe I know I will change to make u happy and then one day go why did I change. And walk. U know for me prefer this route much more low key already wanted to run. I won't go back. I refuse. I won't go thru what I went thru last night. I can't take it. Rather be alone then to c this fall apart. U know its true too. I am out all the time. I won't change. Going in two weeks to see my seal friend. Will drive u batty. Took me a long time to get here and cut people off that judge me for no reason. I don't want to go back to who I was. Changing to make people happy. And I will I know how I am when I care about someone. In the end we don't even have a friendship. Then add in our tempers.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL?: Uh huh (no LOL's req'd). Yeezy waited a year and a fucking half and probs had to have his security guard give Marc Jacobs a BJ for this mofo backpack.

Fave comment in response:
Kid_Brother | July 20, 2008

DDDDOPPPPEE!!

WEEKLY WILDCARD: Positive K's "I Gotta Man" Video. No clue??? Me neither.

Fave comment in response:

RithyHickman | July 19, 2008

"I kick in like a turbo booster," childhood foreal. But you know what? The third girl he was talking to always made me feel a certain way when I was a kid, and after seeing the video, I realized it was the initial feelings of being turn on, or aroused if you will. I didn't know what it was then but that leather dress really did it for me, lol.
Cruzin the A-T-L (break!)
1luv > ATL >World

Phew, we did it!

Remember: It's Kanye's world...we're all just livin in it.

[Sux to NOT BeKanye :( ]

me

Kanye West Blogs His Fuckin Face Off: Weekly Wrap Up 7.13.08

Dear Everyone, ***

Let's get real: Rosie is fun-n-all, but in the world of celebrity blogging, it doesn't really get much better than Kanye West.

Eschewing typical boring ass myspace posts, or gimmicky memes like a retarded staring contest (I'm talking to YOU, Jessica Alba), Kanye gives us access to all the most important shit in life: i.e. hot, sexxy bitches, out of reach architecture, furniture, art, technology and fashion, and, oh yeah, more hot, sexxy, bikini-clad bitches.

Though in the past Kanye's blog love could easily be categorized as on again/off again, these days, it's on. Like, seriously on.

So,for those of you who might have trouble keeping up with the fast and furious daily updates on Kanye's blog, as a public service to all we offer up our first weekly edition of: Kanye Blogs His Fuckin Face Off.

We here at Dear Famous Asshole are committed to bringing you a thorough and content-rich weekly summary of everything and anything on Kanye's mind. We will leave no stone unturned, no hot model without inappropriate body part by body part comparisons, and no all caps Kanye rants without analysis.

As we've already established, there are really only two ways to BE in this world: your way and Kanye's way, and, quite frankly, we prefer to BeKanye.

So here's what Kanye is blogging his fuckin face off about this week (please note that all updates will be posted on Monday and, therefore, will reflect Kanye's general state of mind from the previous week):

KANYE IS NOT ANGRY...NOT AT ALL, Y'ALL: Goddammit, bitches, when will you realize that just cuz someone occasionally forgets that his CAPS LOCK is on during an all day blogfest, does not mean that he has anger management issues. As Kanye himself points out to us, if anything, he needs help learning how to be angrier! LOL!

Fave comment in response:

ElNegro | July 7, 2008

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE LOVE KANYE. KANYE, YOU LIKE THE FLY BILL BANKS--THE COOL STEVE URKEL. I AGREE WITH JENNJENN THERE'S OTHER SHIT GOING ON BESIDES THIS MAN. AND AINT YOU HITTING THAT UP WITH SELITA EBANKS?
-RASHEED

(punctuation mine)

LOTS OF HOME DECORATING TIPS THIS WEEK: For those who might be looking for something a bit more out of the ordinary than a typical bedside lamp, this is an interesting idea? Or if that ain't your bag, how bout this skull & crossbones chandelier? I'm totally digging these SOS chairs...esp since they seem to have a "no clothing policy," and this lit up LED bench would look damn fine with Lauren London's ass splayed all across it--canIgeta hells, yeah!? For caffiene afficianados, this pod-based capuccino/espresso machine is pretty sexy, and this IGA Chair has a great spot to store your porno mags built right in!

Fave comment in response to the SOS chairs:

rett | July 8, 2008

Why is everyone asking why the people are naked? Don't ya'll know sex sells!!! lol
Those chairs are dope as hell!!!

HOTT, SEXXY BITCHES OF THE WEEK: Chanta Patton offers us up a nice mix of trashy stripper posed, wannabe porn shots and a coupla slightly artistic b&w snaps. [You're hot, babydoll, but you need to do something about that hair pronto]. This week's nearly anorexic honey award goes to Callie Mahoney (above) who, based on her lack of stripper-posed pics seems to be a genuine, bonafide model. Liya Kebede is our next entrant in the 'real model' group, and she is, indeed, gorge...beyond...and was one of the models featured in the Black issue of Italian Vogue this month. And, of course, we can't forget my afore mentioned bench bitch: Lauren London.

Fave comment in response to Callie Mahoney pics (and my new BF):

e_rich | July 9, 2008

She ain't got no ass and she looks like she smokes a lot of cigarettes. I'd also like to be the first to say that she doesn't look too different from those King/Smooth magazine models from how she takes pictures with her legs open and they focus on her non-existant ass.

FASHION FRENZY: Kanye wants you to look good, y'all...which you WILL if you go out and immediately buy some of these Gucci sneaks. Viktor & Rolf steps up to meet Kanye's incessant need for pink threads and, uhm...Raf Simons is some Belgian fashion designer (see above; one of Kanye's faves!). Also Jay-Z is in L'uomo Vogue this month (implication: Kanye is not...why?).

Fave comment in response to the Raf pics:

livin_a_movie | July 9, 2008

LMAO at the whole first page of posts. Dogg, that shit is borderline womenswear! I know its runway shit, but let's be realistic. LOL.

I'M RICH, UR NOT: And in our "you poor ass bitches might actually even be able to afford this shit" entry of the week, I give you: an Ikea designed coffin.

WEEKLY WILDCARD: Who the fuck would want to go to Dubai, when you're not even allowed to have sex in public!?

I don't know about you bitches, but I could use a motherfuckin drink. Thankfully, I listened to Yeezy and bought myself an Angelshare single-bottle storage device, so my vino just now reached the perf temp. I gotta jam.

Remember: It's Kanye's world...we're all just livin in it.

BeKanye, or else what's the fuckin point?
m.e.

It's Kanye West's World...We're All Just Livin' In It

Dear Everyone, ***

Yet again, Kanye has just T-O-T-A-L-L-Y made my motherfuckin' day!

True Confessions: I've gotten a bit of a reputation recently amongst co-workers, friends and family, for my over the top KanYAYing (for those that don't know, this is the act of heaping relentless praise on any Kanye condoned product, song, idea, or hot semi-naked bitch that may or may not have recently been featured on his blog). Just the other day, for instance, I was involved in an intense game of Connect Four with some dude I met in front of Nathan's at the food court in the South Street Seaport Mall, and he was all: "If you're just gonna keep Yay-ing Kanye all day, then I'm gonna be on my way, honey" And I was all: "Uhm, you sound like an idiot dude...its KanYaying, not Yay-ing Kanye."

Anyway. Uhm, I wanted to just report to anyone else out there who was taking on the BE MORE LIKE KANYE challenge, (and I truly hope that I'm speaking to like hundreds of millions of you), I've been taking the BeKANYE tablets now for a couple of days and I'm feeling fucking phenomenal!

If you are already on medication, however, and are at all concerned about whether these BeKANYE tablets are right for you or not, I completely understand. I spoke AT LENGTH with my GP regarding whether or not these were a good fit for me in light of my currently vast prescription cocktail. Luckily for you, (i mean, like just in case you're too poor to afford a real doctor), they have a handy readiness quiz on the BeKANYE website that you can take to see if this program is a good fit for you:


Don't tell me what your answers were (!), but how did everyone do??

I don't know about all y'all, but I was like super duper inspired by Oprah's 21 14 (?) day vegan detox. For me this is like the same exact thing except instead of giving up animal products, I'm giving up my former loozer self in exchange for my new and improved KANYE-ified self. I mean, hello?? It's pretty much a no brainer.

AND FOR ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE, I AM SO SICK OF ALL YOU NEGATIVE PEOPLE TRYING 2 PLOT MY OWN DOWNFALL!

Like, here's some shit that's happened to me since I've been snarfing my BeKANYE tabs...facts are facts:

*I was on the subway this morn and some dude got up, freeing up his seat. This older woman started walking over and frontin' like she was gonna take the seat and I was like: BACK THE FUCK OFF BITCH, THAT SEAT IS MINEZ. YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM!?
*I had this big deadline at work yesterday, and like right before all my shit was due, I walked right the fuck out of the office, got myself a mani/pedi, then sat at Starbucks for my free two hours updating my Myspace page.
*Some homeless guy said to me: "DAMN GIRL, you got it goin onnnnnnnnnn to-day!" and then tried to lick my cheek.

And that's been like just the past two days!! You do the motherfuckin math...seems like BeKANYE is the god damned way to be.

Absolut-ly,
me