Here's Some Advice Miss Teen Louisiana USA: In The Game Of Life, Choose 'Smart' Over 'Pretty'

Dear Everyone, ***

There is a very well known, universally accepted maxim at work in the world, and whether you talk about it or not, I'm here to tell you that its totally fucking true. Here it is: you can be smart, or you can be pretty, but you CANNOT be both.

That's right. It's smart OR pretty...one or the other.

I don't make up the fuckin rules here people...I'm just the messenger.

Now, of course not everyone who's smart is ugly and not everyone's who's dumb is pretty, however, you are primarily known in the world as one or the other...like, overwhelmingly so.

This means that if I walked my ass out to Times Square right now, forced 100 random people into a little room and marched myself in there to stand there and talk to the good folks for 5 mins, after I walked away, 98 of those motherfuckers would be sayin' "there goes that smart girl."

This fact was kind of an upsetting blow for the teenaged me who was really just hoping to get banged by a football player, but now it's alll good in the hood. Really. I swear.

Sure, I can get dolled up and slap on the sex every once in awhile, but that still doesn't change the fact that 9 out of 10 sons of bitches know me out in the world as the "smart" girl.

Anyway.

You know who's NOT known out in the world as a smart girl?: Miss Teen Louisiana USA, Lindsay Evans. Lindsay, is pretty much your card carrying pretty girl.

Check this shit out: Linds goes out to grab a bite with her bitches at her local "full service, family oriented" Mexican restaurant, Posados Cafe. I imagine a delicious, salsa infused meal was had by all, but homegirl decides to chip out on her chalupa and "dine and dash" (who the fuck uses that phrase, by the way?? I mean, I realize that I just did, but I'm just doing it b/c everyone else is. Only this is the first time I've heard that in my entire life. Oh yeah...smart girls don't dine-n-dash).

It gets way better, tho, bias.

Not only does this pageant weasel skip out on the check like some hooligan, bitch leaves her purse sitting in her greasy ass booth....WITH A BAG OF MOTHERFUCKING WEED IN IT (Oh, Snap!). And her ID, lip gloss, a bible, a McCain/Palin button and a tube of anal lube. Actually, not sure about the lip gloss.

Her bill was $46.07

Needless to say, Miss Louisiana Teen USA had her title stripped toute de suite as soon as the proper authorities got wind of her shenanigans. Oh yeah, and they stomped on her crown and arrested too for drug possession too.

Pretty girl had to go fuck AWL her own shit up by acting like a complete and total douchetron in front of everyone on the planet.

Le sigh.

As we all know from watching the Spears clan, there are not exactly opportunities a plenty for girls growin up in Loose-i-ana. But this shit was almost as stupid as that guy who tried to cash a check for $360 billion dollars.

Take some advice from a smart girl, my pretties: check yo self before you wreck yourself (and never, I repeat NEVER leave a bag of weed unattended).

stupid is as stupid does,
m.e.

Go On Witch Yo Bad Self, George Michael...'Set Your Monkey Free' Already

Dear Everyone, ***

Here's why George Michael is the best fucked up celebrity on the planet: self awareness.

"I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them."

You hear that, Lily Allen!?

Ok, so Georgie boy was arrested with a little bit of crack in a public bathroom...but I still love him long time anyway.

Keep on playin' playas,
me

Kanye West Is In Jail! That's Bad 4 Kanye, But So Good 4 MEEEEE!!!

Dear Kanye, ***

I'm SO sorry you got arrested this morn at the airport, but dude this fucking rocks for me!!!

Now that your ass is in jail, you're not gonna be able to blog! Like, at all!

So, I can FINALLY catch up on my Kanye Universe City dot com feed (804 ITEMS, SON!)

Wheeeeeee!!!

This rules...thank you sooo much!

(Can you give me like a week or so? I've gots to catch up on six eps of I Want To Work for Diddy 2 nite, and Poprah is on fire!).

freedom tastes oh so good,
me

UPDATED: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Dennis Farina is Not So Hot on Keeping Law & Order After All

Dear Dennis, *?

What with all of the constantly changing rules and security measures, its super duper hard to keep up with what we can and can't bring onto planes these days. I get confused myself quite a bit, so I thought I would share with you a recent checklist I put together that I use religiously every time I'm packing for a trip.

Do NOT bring any of the following items onto the plane:

• Bottled water (unless purchased after security checkpoint)
• Any liquids over 3 ounces
  
• Tweezers
• Knitting needles
• Tuna fish sandwiches
  
• A Loaded freakin gun

Feel free to print this out and use it as much as you need to (I had mine laminated!).

Bon Voyage,
m-e

Keep on Boozin, Amy Winehouse! You Warned Us All Already

Dear Everyone, ***

True, Amy Winehouse had a bit of a Naomi Campbell weekend, but seriously I don't get what all of this fuss is about?  

Brit claimed to be a virgin while she was popping birth control pills like candy, Lindz is on a multi-month bender/booze-fest after 3 trips to rehab, but AW is in a different league.  I know jokes have been made about this ad nauseum, but she did warn us all a long time ago that she was boarding the crazy train and had no intention of getting off.

I quote directly...from a little ditty she wrote:

"They're tryin to make me go to rehab

And I say, no, no, no"

Oh yah...and then she won five freakin' Grammy Awards for it.

Uhm.  

Am I missing some hidden message buried in there? 

I say we all back off, and leave the poor lamb to continue speed balling horse tranqs, wearing dirty cutoff shorts and blood stained shoes and beating down police officers.

Let the woman wreck her own life in peace and quiet.  Sheesh.

Light-n-Love,

me

I Thought Jail Was Only For Socialites and Pantyless Actresses, Naomi Campbell

Dear Naomi,*

I totally cut you some slack a few years back over the whole assistant mishap, becase HELLO. We've all been there. I've had 4 assistants myself and though I didn't follow your lead with the phone beatdown, I did beat two of them over the head with a grill pan and a third with a particularly thick September Bazaar (the 4th one was deported), so buh-lieve me, I know its hard to find good help these days. True, when you threatened to throw your next assistant out of a moving vehicle, I did think that *may* have been a bit over the top, but since you didn't actually go through with it, I thought "hmm...aint no thang." It's haaard being a supermodel, after all.

I was pretty impressed (in a big sister torture kinda way) with how you made Tyra Banks' life a living hell when she was younger. If we're all being truthful, I think most of us would admit to fantasizing about how we might torture Tyra ourselves if given the chance. But you eventually stepped up to the plate on her show and that made me completely forget about how you tried to beat your next assistant silly with a Blackberry Pearl.

But hold the phone, sista (no pun intended). On the CNN crawl during Anderson Cooper 360, I just saw that you've just been arrested a-g-a-i-n for flipping the fuck out at Heathrow Airport and spitting in a police officer's face after one of your bags was lost.

Noni, you've gots to chill out girl...for realz. Aside from these bi-monthly beatdowns, you have nothing going on, and therein lies the crux of your problem. You've gots to stay busy, girl. Heidi has Project Runway, Nikki has Make Me a Supermodel, Tyra has America's Next Top Model, Janice had her own freakin' modeling agency and all you've got is a bail bondsman. Elizabeth-freakin-Berkley has her own show! Which of these ex-supermodels is NOT like the others? Get yourself a crappy reality show already. What the Christ is wrong with you??

Talk to your agent. Seriously.

Tsk Tsk,
Me