Justin Timberlake Is SO Not A Douchetard Everyone (Told Ya So)

Dear JT, ***

Yet again, I'd like to offer up a hearty fuck all y'all to your haters.

Justin Timberlake trash talking has reached an all-time fever pitch in recent months: NY Mag claimed you lost your charisma, Pop on the Pop thinks you're off your meds, Videogum said that you are "unclever," and Perez calls you "Timberlame." And that's like only half the shit I came across in my google reader.

I for one, have stayed true blue true to my man through all of this nonsensical bullshit. And on Saturday night, you reminded me why.

Holy. Hilariousness.

And just in case people were thinkin "yeah...he's funny, but that was like all about the leotard," you then went on to KILL IT during Weekend Update.

Oh, snap!

How you like me now motherfuckers!?

[Uh huh].

[That's what I thought].

Whatever dudes....

I know you know who ur deep down, cellular levels fans are, JT (submits DNA for evidence), so my ass isn't goin anywhere.

Big ups for SNL.

love to love u,
m.e.

Justin Timberlake Would Be the PERFECT Oscars Host, And Anyone Who Disagrees Can Go Suck It

Dear Justin, ***

Srsly, don't listen to any of those motherfuckin www playa haters, with all their visceral JT jealousy drippin from their keyboards-n-shit.

I've only gots one thing to say to all of those ridick internet chatterboxes who smugly proclaim that you're not funny enough or you're too douchey to host the Oscars: FUCK ALL Y'ALL, BITCHES.

These whiny, know-it-all internet tards pulled this same sorta shit with the Top Gun 2 movie announcement, and I for one am not gonna sit idly by and watch everyone screw this all up again.

Anyway.

You can TOO host the Oscars JT, and you'd probs wreck the shit out of it like no one ever had before. I mean, dude...you brought sexy back!--Of course you can handle this Oscars shit.

Here's why:
*Your ass IS funny, no matter what the haters say. I bought every single person on my Christmas list last year a dick in a box and they all loved the shit out of it.
*You're H-O-T-T, and everyone from little girlies straight up to the MILFers wants you to be their boy toy boyfriend.
*You fucked Britney...back when she was the coolest person in the world to be fucking.
*You know what sells, and you sell it to us e-v-e-r-y single time.
*You love your mamz.
*You invented the trucker hat craze...that's like really innovative.

So, like you're IT now.

You are the choice of the people...at least all the people who aren't stupid fucking losers.

Represent.

Team Timberlake,
m.e.

'It's Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby...'

Dear Everyone, ***

Question of the day: Would the world, indeed, be a better place if Justin Timberlake and David Beckham were actually an item?

Answer: Hells yeah, motherfuckers!

LezLo who? Ellen, wha?

Day-trippin,
me

WTFAYTA Justin Timberlake: SexyBack

Dear Everyone, ***

A big fat Notorious B.I.G. apology to all y'all...my July 4th holiday at the vadge spa threw off our entire WTFAYTA urban jam parse sked and now we're a week behind.

No need to flip-a-bitch tho, cause we're back and ready to fuck shit up, as per u'sual.

My main man Rick Jackson is lookin' to get his SexyBack, so let's give a brutha a hand and deconstruct some JT with a fine tooth comb.

WTFAYTA, Justin Timberlake?

SexyBack:

I’m bringing sexy back
See pic above

Them other boys they don’t know how to act
Yeah...other dudes like Will.I.Am, for example.

I think you're special, what's behind your back?
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.
Based on the fact that we get into shackles-n-shit in the next verse, I'm guessin that this bitch that he's singin to has handcuffs behind her back. (Get your mind out of the gutter people--this is the first verse of the motherfuckin' song! Daym!).

Take 'em to the bridge
[Bridge]
Dirty babe
You see the shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way
K, so obvs JT is already feeling kinda smitten with this honey. Tho the "tie me up, tie me down" shit may not be his normal bag, he's willing to man up and deal if that's what it takes to be with this fly boo.

Take 'em to the chorus
[Chorus]
Come here girl
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come to the back
Go ahead, be gone with it
VIP
Go ahead, be gone with it
Drinks on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
I'm rich...and also famous...so, like stick with me and its straight through the velvet ropes to the VIP Lounge e-v-e-r-y single time, sweetheart. This also means, of course, unlimited supplies of champagne, cocaine, and Red Bull, so be prepared to get your party on...and bring some hott friends too so I can keep my security detail happy with some pretty pussy.

Let me see what you’re working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those hips
Go ahead, be gone with it
You make me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it
You are one little hot mamacita...so don't think I didn't notice your ass from all the way across the dance floor. I was pretendin' like I was all into Jessica Biel-n-shit, but I was watching you the whole time out of the corner of my eye before I motioned for my security guard to go and get your number. (Also, like do you have any weed? Because my normal hookup in Vegas fell through, so that would make this love connection way more meaningful for me than it already is...as if that's even possible).

Get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it
[Repeat 6 times]
Get your sexy on
So, what up you sexy, little bitch? You gonna answer my text later and meet up at Mandalay Bay where my main man bodyguard QueBe tole you to go?? Or you gonna pussy out b/c you're afraid of showing up in the tabloids...and boo fucking hoo, maybe having that story come about the time you had that one night stand with that Dallas Mavericks dude and got pregnant and had an abortion and shit?

[Verse 2]
I’m bringing sexy back
Them other fuckers don’t know how to act
Come let me make up for the things you lack
'Cause you're burning up I gotta get it fast
I saw that other old, rich dude staring you up and down like a piece of raw meat, so like I get that this is a now or never situation. I think we both know that despite that dude's deep pockets, I've got a way hotter piece of ass, and also, I'm a pop star, so are you really mullin this over for more than like 5 seconds? I'm JT, bitch.

Take 'em to the bridge
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
I’m bringing sexy back
You mother fuckers watch how I attack
I bounced back from Britney Fucking Spears, bitches. I can handle my shit, OK?

If that’s your girl you better watch your back
Cause she’ll burn it up for me and that’s a fact
Take 'em to the chorus
[Chorus]
Again, motherfuckers, I am JT. If I want your woman, she is minez, so like don't even test this shit out, ok? You don't wanna go there...trust me.

And, indeed, trust you we do, JT.

K, so Rick Jackson, my main man, I'm thinking that for you the take away is this: be bold, be brazen (shit, BeKanye), and dude--don't be afraid to pull out the handcuffs every once in awhile. My bet is if you follow JT's lead, you'll get your sexy back in no time time flat. And soon you'll be fightin off the fly honeys with ur own sexy stick.

Don't worry if its not good enough for anyone else to hear...just sing...sing a song,
me

I Will Keep A-L-L Your Shit Confidential, Justin Timberlake

Dear JT, ***

I swear I was sitting on the Q this very eve, just thinking about how much I miss your hot ass and wondering where the eff you be? And Lo and behold, here you is...gettin' all demandin' and shit at your press junket for The Love Guru. I likey!

Luckily for you, I don't give a rat's fuck what sort of reindeer games you play, because I'd give my own grandma a beatdown if you asked me too real nice like, with that half smile, shit eating smirk you work like Barack at an NAACP rally.

Having said that, a bitch can't help but be curious about what sorts of secrets you're shakin' in your Japanese, limited edition, designer sneaks about the journos revealing. An engagement? Having your ass kissed by Coldplay? The Diaz-n-Diddy Titty Committee?

Eh, who am I kidding. I don't really care. Take your pants off.

Now.

"Mr. J.T. What U Got For...,
me"