I Think Punching Michael Lohan In His Fucking Face MIGHT Actually Be Worth $5000

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy shitballs, you guyz!

For the totally reasonable price of $5 gee's, I could win an opp to punch Michael Lohan right in his fat motherfucking face.

Is it kind of crazy that I'm maybe, sorta considering it?

He's doing some ridick charity fundraiser on "lawng guy-land" called Fight For Charity, and for $5000 you can bid to fight him. Like really fight him.

But like also there is some kind of interview/height/weight requirements I would need to meet before we could actually go at it in the ring [sidenote: how fucking embarassing would it be to get rejected from a Michael Lohan throwdown b/c I had too much junk in my trunk. Yeah. Don't answer that].

Who am I kidding.

I mean, the dude is the world's worst father, but also Kevin Federline also already declined to participate...I'm not picking up KFed's sloppy seconds.

Even for an opp to punch LezLo's daddy.

Oh, also I'm a total fucking wimp.

So, forget it.

give peace a chance,
mi

Dina Lohan, Your Hair Is So Shiny...And Blonde [*@Sugar Sweet Sunshine]

Dear Dina, *

I'm a few days late, I know, but I just finished watching the first episode of Living Lohan and I really, really enjoyed myself.

First of all, WOW. Your hair really is...well, its super shiny. Also, your daughters LiLo and baby Lo are very, very pretty and they each have lovely, sultry voices. Additionally, I was very impressed with your web savvy--you were googling shit left and right (no need goog up my number though! No Lindsay Lohan lesbian accusations round these parts!).

Long Island looks pretty.

Uhm.

Oh yeah...and I will NOT under any circumstances be reading your crazy ex-husband's weekly blog posts on OK Magazine's website in response to the show.

Anyway, take care!
me

P.S. That record producer dude Jeremy is trouble, for realz. You need to block him from your AIM list stat.

P.P.S. Nana rocks!

Ali Lohan Hits the 'I Want to Be Famous' Trail...Hard

Dear Ali, (*?)

Man, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

What a devilishly delicious preview this snapshot represents of the celeb-u-tastic, paparazzi'd, hollywood-ified cluster fuck your life is about to become. Big sis LiLo is safely tucked away behind her big camera and you...you, miss thang, are t-o-t-a-l-l-y ready for your close up, aren't cha??

Well, baby doll, I'm ready too.

While everyone else is planning bar-b-ques, getting spray on tans and having their pits waxed in preparation for Memorial Day, I'm relaxing on my couch. I'm not going to the beach because there is no electricity there or cable, and the only thing I give a shit about on Memorial Day weekend is watching the premiere of your new show on E!, Living Lohan.

I am oh so excited to get this party started with you. If Hey Paula was any indication of what's to come, I think its safe to say that we all have a summer of cringe-worthy, inappropriate comments, ridiculous, overblown reactions, and over-the-top bratiness from you and Mama Lohan to look forward to.

Future superstar? Or Future Train Wreck? I can't wait to find out.

Don't disappoint,
me