Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Goodbye 2 The Crazy (Le Sigh)

Dear Everyone, ***

I don't know about your asses, but I am absolutely heartbroken that this shit is ovah. It was too quick! I want more crazy!

What about She by Sheree? Is Sheree gonna be on Project Runway next year?

Did Kim Zolciak ruin Dallas Austin's career? Does she understand what Guacamole *is* now?

What happened with NeNe-n-Curtis? Is she gonna go on a date with the Coop?

Ok, so Real Housewives of Atlanta ended last week, and we're all obvs on the edge of our seats waiting for the Reunion Special this Tues. It looks unmissable, people, and word on the street is that a MA-JOR, knock down, drag out fight takes place between Lisa Wu Hartwell and Kimmy Kim Kim Zolciak. Needless to say, my eyes will be peeped.

Anyway, there has been so much juicy RHOA shit on the dub dub dub over the past week, and I've just been playin Boys 2 Men's "End of the Road" on repeat, so I just HAD to do a round-up:

* Hold onto your tissues and bottles of Jergens: Kim is posing for Playboy. (Dlisted)

*Speaking of Kim, Bonnie Hunt does a mean ass impression (her wig = perfection). (Pop on the Pop)

*I think I'll miss Scented Glossy Magazine's recaps most of all. (SGM)

*Again, people: The Reunion Special is gonna be of the hizzie. (Jezebel)

*The Coop-n-NeNe continue to flirt. (Defamer)

*Vintage Kim Zolciak: this shit is good. Seems Kimmy appeared years ago on a "Hot or Not" type reality show hosted by Lorenzo Lamas. Through the magic of the internets, it is yours for the watching (by the by, Kim got a unanimous NOT). (DListed)

*Video Previews of the Reunion show, plus Kimmy's interview with Essence mag (guess wha, bitches!? She's keepin it real!) (Best Week Ever).

*The Coop talkin about his Boo, NeNe on The Tonight Show. (Gawker)

*Kim did Karaoke in NYC...and now its on youtube. Le sigh. (Mollygood).

*RHOA: Where R They Now? (Videogum).

*Kim's post finale blog; Sheree's blog; DeShawn's blog; NeNe's blog; and Sheree's blog. Miss Lisa Wu hasn't updated since Nov. 11th. Verrry innerrresting. (BONUS: Read RHONYC Bethenny Frankel's blog sharing her insight on all the Hot-lanta ladiez)

Anyway.

RHOA Reunion special airs this Tuesday, November 25th at 10pm on Bravo (I'm counting the seconds).

love to love you,
me.

BREAKING: Kim & Lisa Fight To The Death In RHOA Throwdown

Keith Sweat |MTV Music

Dear Everyone, ***

Just got a hot reader tip about the Real Housewives of Atlanta that I HAD to share.

Who the hell knows if its true, or not, but if it is true, it's hella juicy. So gather round kids, lean in, and feast your eyes on this:

"Kim Zolciak, single mother of 2, from Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo Channel), is the target of Lisa Wu Hartwell's verbal rampage. Lisa recently verbally exploded in an on camera taping of the reunion against Kim Monday in Atlanta. (much speculation that Lisa struck Kim on and off camera).

Lisa, ex wife of Keith Sweat, is upset with Kim over the news that the story Lisa does not have custody of her children because she previously had a drug addiction problem amongst other allegations has leaked because of Kim. Producers may require Lisa to undergo anger management classes. Lisa's children and ex husband are not featured in the show as their father, Keith Sweat, did not sign the release form to allow them to be filmed with Lisa.

There is trouble in paradise as, Lisa, has threatened Kim at local media tapings with comments, text messages and phone call messages. Sources say that Kim currently is in serious consideration to take legal action against Lisa, as there is significant documentation of the intimidation and harrassment to warrant a restraining order."

Whoa, baby. That's some grade A, good shit.

Interesting too, since Lisa has sorta been a non-entity to me thus far throughout the RHOA eps. I wonder if this all went down in her bowling alley?

Just for funzies, I went back into the vault to remind myself who the fuck Keith Sweat actually was/is. The jam above ("Make You Sweat") t-o-t-a-l-l-y takes me back to my leggings/E.G. Smith socks wearin days.

Check out some more vids here.

Of course I'll let your asses know if I hear anything else.

love to love you,
me.

UPDATE: As per u, SGM has the best scoop about this whole sitch.

Real Housewives Of Atlanta...I Just Can't Quit You (ANNNND I Know Who Big Poppa Is!)

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy, shit! I think I know who Big Poppa is!!

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't be posting about RHOA every week, and I'm standing by that. *However* I am a mere mortal. And I think you would agree that I can't really be expected to ignore the complete and utter insanity of Tuesday night's ep.

Most importantly, I'm pretty positive that I have solved a mystery that has literally been eating away at the surface of my brain since this show premiered: Who. Is. Big Poppa?

Check it: so you know how Kim is always going on and on about how her bf Big Poppa is a very wealthy "celeb" who can't come out of the closet to show his face on our flatscreens cause he's just too damn important? Well, I just always assumed he was married or some bullshit and didn't want his wife-n-kids to see him fucking some tranny country singer wannabe on national TV.

BUT, now I'm thinking maybe the truth is way, way, juicier than that.

Stick with me here, because I have a theory that is so fucking mind bending, you'd do best to read on cautiously to avoid the possibility of your brain breaking.

I know this sounds kinda crazy, but...

What if Big Poppa was....

[wait for it...]

[wait for it...]

SHEREE!

(OH SNAP!)

That's right motherfuckers! What if "Big Poppa" = Sheree!?

I mean, think about it: have you ever seen such a fucking lovefest in the entirety of trashtacular reality programming? I was practically waiting for Kim to lean over and seductively lick Sheree's face at the dermatologist...and you just *know* she had her hand up Sheree's skirt when they were smoking and drinking in the car. Also if Kim calls Shay Shay "boooo-yooo-teee-fullll" one more time I'm gonna vom right into her nasty cleave. Look, Kim and Sheree obvs have a connection that goes way deeper than besties, and I'm gonna fucking call them on it.

You heard it first peeple: Kim Zolciak is not actually dating a mysterious, rich celebrity named Big Poppa, she's a closet Lez! Who's fucking Sheree!

How ya like me now?

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way there are a few more points I need to make:

1. Guacamole - Ok, obvs we're not dealing with a high level of sophistication here, but Kim acted as if the guac Sheree ordered at Rosa Mexicana during lunch was monkey brains r something. Is GUACAMOLE really that abhorent to you? G-U-A-C-A-M-O-L-E? Your palette can't handle such unusual delicacies? And Kim's comment that the mortar and pestle the waiter used to make the guac was a "rock" and unsanitary...uhm...I guess we now have an official answer to the age old question: how fucking dumb can you be? This dumb, bitches...this dumb.

2. KAT - Really!? You spell cat with a K, Kim? There are no words....none.

3. Singing - I cannot easily describe the deep down dirty whore-endousness of Kim's voice. Watching her sing was painful. Watching Dallas Austin's face as he realized how bad, bad, bad she was was priceless. Watching Kim's face when she heard the playback of the shit that was comin' out of her mouth was awesome. There is not an ounce...not a hint...not the teeniest tiniest drop of talent under that tranny wig. I don't care if you used a NASA powered satellite to scope out some cellular level talent that might be floating around in her bloodstream: bitch has got NOTHING. Also, in answer to your probing question Kim: making sure that your voice is in tune happens to be directly related to ensuring that you don't sound like A DYING FUCKING MOOSE when you sing.

4. Drinking-n-Driving - I do live in NYC, so I don't own a car any more. But from what I can remember, driving while holding a motherfucking glass of motherfucking chablis is not generally considered a good idea, Kimmy. My memory is a little hazy tho.

5. Bounced checks - So, in a non-ep related sidenote, I feel pretty confident in reporting to you that Sheree has a little check bouncing problem. Shockingly, I've uncovered this evidence through the magic of statcounter. See when your sexy asses start clickity click clicking all over my website, I have this handy little stats program that tells me where you live, and how you got to me, and how long you stuck around. I'm able to track search terms that u mofos use to find me, and a very prominent one as of late is "Sheree Whitfield bounced checks." Now, since bitch is waitin on a "seven figure settlement" I'm not too sure why she's writin rubber checks all over town, but based on the number of you out there searchin, I'm pretty sure I can confirm she's doing it.

As for the rest of the action, there really was none. Except that NeNe was talkin trash about pretty much everyone in the city of Atlanta...but honestly I don't give a shit. Like Anderson Cooper, I too am on Team NeNe.

"Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good,"
mi

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Rapes And Pillages My Brain

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I def can't handle a weekly recap of this shit (at least I don't think), but at the same time, I simply cannot leave this entirely alone NeNe neether.

Let's have a little chat about Real Housewives of Atlanta, shall we?

a. I tole you this shit was whack!
b. These bias make the RHONYC look like elementary school librarians
c. How the fuck does someone who has no job (Sha-RAYYY) have a publicist!? For realzy?

After only two eps, these women present such a wealth of material, this almost feels unfair. Though, after the near miss of a Cops worthy parking lot shout-a-thon last week, I was slightly disappointed that the action was dialed down to like an 8 this week.

And actually, WTF is up with that? I was most disappointed with, you NeNe. In seven days, bitch has like grown as a person-n-shit?! I was hoping that you would show up to Brielle's birthday party with a broken bottle and some warrior make-up on. Don't you think that Sheree needs to be punished after that bullshit birthday party guest list sitch last week? I mean, I can't think of a better place to work this sort of thing out than at a 11-year-olds birthday party.

Sheet.

Speaking of, I was also endlessly amused by the fact that Kim felt as if her ridiculously spoiled/coddled/pampered future slut of a daughter wasn't "appreciative" enough of all of the over-the-top birthday antics she was undertaking on her behalf. This must have been particularly surprising to Kim who employs such nurturing parenting techniques within the following helpful phrases: "I'm very materialistic...it makes me feel good to have name brands...I don't want anything else. I can die tomorrow, but I'm gonna die wearing Dior." (page 72. Dr. Spock's Baby & Childare Guide to parenting).

Guess what Brielle got for her eleventh bday? A Louis Vuitton purse (though I guess that's slightly better than a Louis Vuitton cake).

Though she disappointed in her overall dramz-per-minute (DPM) quotient for the night, NeNe still came out on top with the best quote of the ep (regarding her and Sheree's make-up convo pre Brielle bday party): "She didn't say she was sorry. She said 'I apologize.' She didn't say 'I was sorry."

WHAT!?

You have GOTZ to be fucking kidding me NeNe!? Sheree said "I apologize" n-stead of "I'm sorry!?"

!?

[Lulz].

Loves it.

Also, is it me, or does Kim look exactly like the chick muppet who was in the band on The Muppets Show!? This one:


Right!?

Her weave is so bad, I can actually hear Brit Brit snickering all the way from the land of la everytime Kim comes across my flatscreen.

Sheree is clearly the worst of them all, and I'll tell you why: its not that she's a materialistic self-entitled bitch, its that she's a materialistic self-entitled bitch who bores my nards off every time she comes on the TV. I'd rather watch DeShawn than watch Sheree, and DeShawn is just about as entertaining as the dusty chex mix I just found underneath my couch.

Lisa Wu Hartwell is not even remotely adorbs...and I think just got recruited by the Dallas Cowboys.

Anyway.

I'm lovin the dramz.

You guys watchin??

south by southwest,
me

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Are a Comin'...And It's Gonna Be G-O-O-D, Bitches

Dear Real Housewives of Atlanta, ***

Wowza.

I just watched the preview for your shiny, new Bravo TV show and you bitches fuckin d-e-l-i-v-e-r-e-d.

Now, I'm a hardcore RHoNYC devotee, so I'm not abandoning my No. 1 homegirls just yet, but I already like you bia's way better than the Orange County spray tanned ho hos.

And I'll tell you somethin else: if I was a rich Black bitch, I would get my ass to Hotlanta tout de suite. It's like the Black Beverly Hills all up in there but with way more space. I don't blame you lovelies one freakin' bit for stayin behind those big iron gates in your little suburban enclaves...who the eff would ever wanna leave?--espesh when your ass is libel to get all shot up in the clubs with ur dubs, etc.

Ok, here are my initial thoughts:

[sidenote: Wow, rich black chicks are NOT into boob jobs. Not sure why I never picked up on this before, but its kind of fascinating--espesh since that's like the first stop white chicks make the minute they've got some benjis in the bank. All these ladiez look completely ginuine...except for the white one, of course].

Lisa Wu Hartwell: Ok, so he're we've got our real estate broker/baby clothes designer/screenwriter/producer/jewelery designer (Wu Girls Jewelry!)/gym rat/artist who's clearly gonna be the know-it-all of the group. She seemingly has all of these businesses so that she can star in her own ad campaigns, oh and also because she's stacking "hyper." She's married to linebacker Ed Hartwell and she and her hubby are exercise fanatics, as evidenced by her weird-ish body builder bod, but like no judgment mama cause I can dig.

NeNe (pronounced Nee Neee, ohhhh kaaaay???) Leakes: Holy. Ghetto. Fabulousness. NeNe is, hands down, my fave housewife...homegirl likes to tell it like it is and she doesn't give a shit who's listening. She's married to some old dude named Gregg who doesn't let her eat carbs, and she uses words like "stable" to describe their relationship as she flashes her 10 carat diamond ring back and forth on screen, so I think we can all connect the dots on that one. This chick is all about the dramz and, I swear, if she doesn't get into a physical altercation with someone on the show by the end of the season, I will personally pay every single one of you bitches reading this right now one million dollars.

DeShawn Snow: Not sure what her game is yet, but if I need help figuring it out I can probs check in with her Estate Manager, Head Maid, Chef, Maid Crew, Governess, Driver or Nanny for some clarification. She's married to Eric Snow of the Cleveland Cavaliers and though I know nothing at all about sports, apparently they're doing pretty fuckin well since her house is the size of my entire apartment building. Oh, and also they've been building said dream house for two years and she never bothered checking anything out until it was all done, so stay tuned for those "hey, I thought there was supposed to be a bathroom down here in the roller rink!?" or "we were suppos'd to have 19 bedrooms, not 17!" moments that I'm sooo looking forward to.



Sheree Whitfield: Here's our soon-to-be divorced housewife who's holding out for a seven figure settlement deal. Of course, she's working on her own clothing line (I'm guessing that ALL these chicks are working on either their own clothing or jewelry line) that she's calling She by Sheree, natch. She got the least amount of screen time so far, so she's either boring or boring, but it does seem like she has a cat fight with NeNe brewing in the season previews, so I'm not writin' her off just yet.

Kim Zolciak: Here's our token white housewife who within the first five mins of showing her face on my flatscreen, dropped these priceless little nuggets: "I'm very materialistic...it makes me feel good to have name brands...I don't want anything else. I can die tomorrow, but I'm gonna die wearing Dior." She's dating some rich, reculsive bazillionaire named "Big Papa" who never shows his face and only communicates with her Charlie's Angels style, cause like of course his real wife and family prob wouldn't appreciate knowing that he's fucking some country music singer wannabe on a reality TV show. Not surprisingly, she's BFF with NeNe and obvs that's gonna = trouble in future eps. Oh, and also she can't seem to stop winking at me us and then sticking her tongue out.

All I can say is, goddamn you, Bravo, for previewing this mofo a full month before the show actually debuts. Cause now I am countin the motherfuckin' days like a kid in sleepaway camp with one of those lame ass toilet paper "calendars" where you tear off one sheet each day until visiting day finally arrives.

I am officially ob'd.

Wu Girls,
me.