Despite Her Resounding Cute-it-tude, Suri Cruise Was Obvs Crying Out To Be Rescued By An Apache Helicopter Or A Rogue Submarine

Dear Suri Cruise, *?

Believe it or not, this photo was taken moments after your little celebrified, scientology flecked ass walked right be me!

Yep, it's totally, 100% true!

It was last Friday afternoon around 12: 35 in Union Square. I had just gotten off of work (summer hours all year long, bitches!) and I was walking over to Trader Joe's with my husband to get some more of those 100 calorie choc bars, frozen meatless meatballs, cashew nuts and those asian soup bowl things that I totally dig for lunch.

Anyway, there we are...innocently walking along, cursing all of the annoying mofos who crossed our path and delayed our fucking mango, roasted red salsa purchasing for another 38 seconds, when I look over and immediately have this thought:

"Why the fuck do I know that little girl who's walking by me? I know like 9 kids total and I hate all the other ones, so unless that bitch is related to me, which she clearly is not, there is no way that I could possibly know who the fuck her little as [....] OHHELLSYEAH! WAIT A GODDAMMED FUCKING MINUTE. IT'S SURI MOTHERFUCKING CRUISE! THE Suri motherfucking Cruise [xenu, xenu]. AND IF THAT'S the SURI, THAN SHE MUST BE WALKING WITH [at this point, eyes shift up...and up...and until I spot an alien, giraffe-like being in skinny jeans with a bad haircut] KKKKKAAAAATTTTIIIIEEEE!"

The following took place over the course of the next four seconds: I point out you and ur mama bear Katie Holmes to my husband. He responds with a predictable "WHERE!!??" I point out exactly where (i.e. right in his fucking face). He responds with an "OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHH." I stumble in my purse for my cell phone to take a picture of you (I cannot, for the life of me, locate my cell phone). My husband says "Wait, where again???"

ZOMGS.

By this time, you and your mamz had skipped away, off to the park (I now learn) to ostensibly play or some shit like that.

Gone forever.

Buh bye, bitches.

The whole thing seemed like a random act at the time, based on the logic of: well, we live in NYC; lots of celebs live here too; we're bound to run into some every once in awhile.

However, after careful analysis, I submit to you (you = my fine DFA readers; AND you = Suri), that that's all just a load of shit. This was not a random meeting...this was not haphazard: this was a divine power intervening on our behalfs (is that even a word?). This was fate. This was kismet. This was written in the book of life.

I'm not sure why I've been deemed the chosen one (again! wow, thanks gawd), but somehow, somewhere, the responsibility to rescue you-n-ur-mom from the grips of your scientology soaked, Tom Cruise powered vice grip has fallen on the shoulders of yours truly.

Le sigh.

Ok, so check it: I'm not exactly sure how I'm ultimately going to carry this shit out, but in the meantime, tell your mommy dearest to keep sneaking off to her closet and recording messages for us. She can even bring you if she has to, I don't give a crap.

Also, in the meantime, I've set up the following toll free number to ring directly on my cellphone: 1-800-SURI-RES (CUE...get it?). You can reach me day or night (try not to call after 10:30pm).

I am here for you now...ALWAYS. But I guess you already know that....since you walked by me on Friday...totally on purpose...and very not randomly.

Everything will be fine (probably).

keepin the faith,
m.e.

Tom Cruise-N-Katie Holmes: Ditch The Garanimals, MMM Kay?

Dear Tom & Katie, *

I normally never do fashion focused posts because there are tons of other blogs out there on the interwebs that are way better suited to discuss this sort of thing that I am, but I can no longer sit idly by biting my tongue about you two bitches.

You're both in NYC right now for Katie's show All My Sons. And I'M in NYC, and true I'm probs seeing way more pics of you than I normally would, but now you two got me all curious so I started googling.

OMFG.

Let's break this shit down:

1. Matching Fucking Outfits!? - Ok, look: if you have little baby twins or trips or something and you want to put them in little matching outfits, that's kinda cute. Or if its Halloween and you l00zers want to match it up with coordinating and/or matching outfits, more power to you....but at a cocktail party at the Hermes store!? You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. This makes me want to go take a power vomit. Couples don't wear matching outfits. Espesh if you're a mega rich, superstar celeb couple on a quest to prove to everyone that a. You actually are real couple; b. Your life is not ruled and carefully planned out by a team of manipulative Scientologists plotting to take over the world; or c. You're not gay.

I mean, this shit is Celeb 101 here. I've only got a fucking blog that's about celebrities and I know this!

Some friendly advice: this is sooo not cute; This is sooo not cool; This is so not something you should EVER do again.

Oh wait:
2. Taking Chances - Stepping out of your comfort zone every once in awhile to take a chance on a new look or a new designer is something I applaud. It's during these moments that we often feel we get a true look into the moods, likes, and dislikes of all you crazy celeb kids. Here's the rub: this can either work out swimmingly and result in something like this:

OR, this can result in a FAIL of epic proportions. The sort of FAIL that will become legendary...that people will talk about for years and years and years. i.e. something like this:

Tom, you obvies have no fucking clue what you're doing in the world of fashion, so I'm not even going to bother with you. But, Katie...you were actually on quite the high fashion kick for awhile back there. You were looking glam, and fab...and now its all gone to shit. I guess your fashion prowess was all due to your BFF sitch with Posh, and now that that's over, so are you?

3. Eh, Fuck it -

See that was really all I had to say about you two (I told you there was a reason I don't do fashion posts).

Anyway, pull your shit together. It's getting embarrassing already.
kthxbye,
me.

Katie Holmes Is Clicked The Fuck Out, Y'All

Dear Katie,**

Shit.

I knew that things were bad, but like I didn't know that they were THIS bad.

I think we can all agree that when Mrs. Tom Cruise is reduced to holing up in her closet and shooting secret videos about the evil team of Scientologists who are controlling her life and forcing her to wear plaid fucking pants, it just can't get much worse than that.

I mean, what's next?? A crazy right wing Vice Presidential candidate with a knocked up, coke whore teenager? The virtual unraveling of our entire financial landscape? Rappers blogging, for chrissakes?!

As if!

I want you to know that I consider each of these videos a call to arms, Katie (or is it Kate? Or was that all just more of this mind control bullshit!? Tell me what you like to be called, dammit!).

I'm like totally subscribed to your youtube channel now, and I'm gonna start a write-in campaign to see if I can get your ass on that show Intervention or maybe into that Dr. Drew Pinsky rehab clinic show.

In the meantime, you might wanna get some of those strips that you can dip into your food so you can check the ph levels for poisonous substances, and also probably you shouldn't drive your car or like leave your bedroom door unlocked...like e-v-e-r.

But you're gonna be OK, Katie!

Really!

(maybe).

(God, I hope so).

Hang in there grrl!,
m.e.

No One's Got Luv For Top Gun 2!? Fuck All Y'All!!!!! I Have NOT Lost That Lovin' Feelin

Dear Everyone, ***

OK, so I can see that the whole mother fuckin' blogosphere is up in arms over this possible Top Gun 2 situation.

Word on the street is that there is a Top Gun 2 script locked and loaded and everyone is just waitin for Tom Cruise to shine his heart light on it so the studio can yell "ready, set, $$$!"

Based on my preliminary research, I am just about the only bitch ass ho on the world wide webs who thinks this shit is a good idea:

*Videogum: Let's Hope the Top Gun Sequel Idea Crashes and Burns
*CelebuCrap: Top Gun 2? Just Say NO!!
*Perez Hilton: Hoping to Revive His Career
*Cinematical: Oh No! 'Top Gun2'?
*The Bad & Ugly: WTF: Top Gun 2?

Ok, so like what is everyone's motherfuckin' beef?

I mean, did the studio ask all y'all to put up the freakin money for the movie yourselves?--empty out your 401k's-n-shit??

I mean, we're talking about one of the greatest movies of all time here (trust me, I watched this shit again very recently and it still holds up after 22 years). And, sure, I get that there is a verry strong possibility of this shit gettin way messed up, but like what if it doesn't??

What if, the planets align, and Al Gore repairs the ozone layer, and Brangelina adopts another third-world baby and the whole thing just comes together like the cast of 90210 two point oh did?

What if THAT?

Isn't now the time for healing??

True confessions: there is scarcely a celeb alive today that I detest more than Tom Cruise...with his fake ass marriage, all the ridick scientology insanity and his preachy, know-it-all swagger. But even I'M willing to put that shit aside for Pete Mitchell.

FUCKING MAVERICK, PEOPLE!!


Show some goddamned respect.

I'm sorry, but I think every last one of you douches need to keep your grown mouths shut the fuck up before TC Almighty starts looking at the internets and convincing hisself that people don't actually want to see this jam.

We want this movie, Tom.
We need this movie, Tom.

Top Gun 2 could maybe rock. Admit it! It's P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

You can see it too, can't you!? Just walk into the light with me, people. DO. IT.

I feel the need...the need for speed,
m.e.