I Think Paul Rudd Should Try Out For So You Think You Can Dance

Dear Paul Rudd, ***

You fucking made my day, dude.

Thank gawd I've got your appearance on The Daily Show last night on my tivo, but in the meantime I've got 1:48 through 2:16 of this vid above on a constant loop.

I'm for serious...I've looked at ZERO porn today.

Anyway.

I can haz more of your sweet ass dancing?

xo,
me

Real Housewives Of Atlanta...I Just Can't Quit You (ANNNND I Know Who Big Poppa Is!)

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy, shit! I think I know who Big Poppa is!!

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't be posting about RHOA every week, and I'm standing by that. *However* I am a mere mortal. And I think you would agree that I can't really be expected to ignore the complete and utter insanity of Tuesday night's ep.

Most importantly, I'm pretty positive that I have solved a mystery that has literally been eating away at the surface of my brain since this show premiered: Who. Is. Big Poppa?

Check it: so you know how Kim is always going on and on about how her bf Big Poppa is a very wealthy "celeb" who can't come out of the closet to show his face on our flatscreens cause he's just too damn important? Well, I just always assumed he was married or some bullshit and didn't want his wife-n-kids to see him fucking some tranny country singer wannabe on national TV.

BUT, now I'm thinking maybe the truth is way, way, juicier than that.

Stick with me here, because I have a theory that is so fucking mind bending, you'd do best to read on cautiously to avoid the possibility of your brain breaking.

I know this sounds kinda crazy, but...

What if Big Poppa was....

[wait for it...]

[wait for it...]

SHEREE!

(OH SNAP!)

That's right motherfuckers! What if "Big Poppa" = Sheree!?

I mean, think about it: have you ever seen such a fucking lovefest in the entirety of trashtacular reality programming? I was practically waiting for Kim to lean over and seductively lick Sheree's face at the dermatologist...and you just *know* she had her hand up Sheree's skirt when they were smoking and drinking in the car. Also if Kim calls Shay Shay "boooo-yooo-teee-fullll" one more time I'm gonna vom right into her nasty cleave. Look, Kim and Sheree obvs have a connection that goes way deeper than besties, and I'm gonna fucking call them on it.

You heard it first peeple: Kim Zolciak is not actually dating a mysterious, rich celebrity named Big Poppa, she's a closet Lez! Who's fucking Sheree!

How ya like me now?

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way there are a few more points I need to make:

1. Guacamole - Ok, obvs we're not dealing with a high level of sophistication here, but Kim acted as if the guac Sheree ordered at Rosa Mexicana during lunch was monkey brains r something. Is GUACAMOLE really that abhorent to you? G-U-A-C-A-M-O-L-E? Your palette can't handle such unusual delicacies? And Kim's comment that the mortar and pestle the waiter used to make the guac was a "rock" and unsanitary...uhm...I guess we now have an official answer to the age old question: how fucking dumb can you be? This dumb, bitches...this dumb.

2. KAT - Really!? You spell cat with a K, Kim? There are no words....none.

3. Singing - I cannot easily describe the deep down dirty whore-endousness of Kim's voice. Watching her sing was painful. Watching Dallas Austin's face as he realized how bad, bad, bad she was was priceless. Watching Kim's face when she heard the playback of the shit that was comin' out of her mouth was awesome. There is not an ounce...not a hint...not the teeniest tiniest drop of talent under that tranny wig. I don't care if you used a NASA powered satellite to scope out some cellular level talent that might be floating around in her bloodstream: bitch has got NOTHING. Also, in answer to your probing question Kim: making sure that your voice is in tune happens to be directly related to ensuring that you don't sound like A DYING FUCKING MOOSE when you sing.

4. Drinking-n-Driving - I do live in NYC, so I don't own a car any more. But from what I can remember, driving while holding a motherfucking glass of motherfucking chablis is not generally considered a good idea, Kimmy. My memory is a little hazy tho.

5. Bounced checks - So, in a non-ep related sidenote, I feel pretty confident in reporting to you that Sheree has a little check bouncing problem. Shockingly, I've uncovered this evidence through the magic of statcounter. See when your sexy asses start clickity click clicking all over my website, I have this handy little stats program that tells me where you live, and how you got to me, and how long you stuck around. I'm able to track search terms that u mofos use to find me, and a very prominent one as of late is "Sheree Whitfield bounced checks." Now, since bitch is waitin on a "seven figure settlement" I'm not too sure why she's writin rubber checks all over town, but based on the number of you out there searchin, I'm pretty sure I can confirm she's doing it.

As for the rest of the action, there really was none. Except that NeNe was talkin trash about pretty much everyone in the city of Atlanta...but honestly I don't give a shit. Like Anderson Cooper, I too am on Team NeNe.

"Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good,"
mi

Down Is Up, Up Is Down, And For One Shining Moment Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Act Like A Whiny Fucking Bitch

Dear Everyone, ***

As if the fact that we elected a smart, BLACK, anti-war, elite, Jew scum loving President isn't evidence enough, I'm here to tell you that the whole fuckin world has been turned upside down.

Shit be C-R-A-Z-Y, yo!

I submit the following as direct evidence of the afore mentioned:

1. Steve Guttenberg went jogging naked in Central Park - Ok, maybe this *is* a prank, but even still! And also, I kinda think that this is for reals. Like "the Goot" just got sick and tired of having to adhere to societal standards of wearing shorts on his runs. The wedgies and chafing was just too damn much for him, and he reached his breaking point with this pantsless jog which was, thankfully, caught on tape. He was like that dude on Network or Michael Douglas in that Falling Down movie where he just abandons his car in the middle of rush hour traffic one night. NO SHORTS, world! I jog commando!

2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck spoke...and I didn't want to punch her in her motherfucking face - I'm a big girl, and so I can give props when props R due: Elizabitch, you really did give a lovely concession speech yesterday. And, also I was very touched by the fact that she didn't get her daughter Grace all snaggled up in her web of Republican bullshit when she had a prime opp to do so. I've never seen her act like a non-annoying, non-whiny normal human being before, so it was quite a sight to behold (AND further proof, of course, that the world has gone batshit crazy).

3. I received a "tweet" from my new President - Say what you will about everyone embracing technology, grandmas texting, blah, blah, blah. It's still pretty fucking cool that our new Prez "solid as" Barack Obama had a campaign strategy that included communicating with his supporters via: phone, text, email, Twitter, Facebook, and the regular ole dub dub dub. That's never happened before. Then yesterday, I received the above message on Twitter. I mean, come on! I don't care if the dude had no fucking clue it was happening...and never was like "Srsly, people! We MUST get a tweet out on Twitter NOOOOOW." His ass was smart enough to hire someone on his team who did...and does.

4. Some moron changed his name from Garratt to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined - Yes, I am serious. And no, there are no words.

5. Spaghetti Cat was on Desperate Housewives! - Right, like Edie hangs out on youtube. I mean, I guess some could argue that this isn't exactly batshit crazy, but I'm more amazed by the notion that fucking Spaghetti Cat is now a superstar international celebrity playboy.

And finally, as the ultimate evidence that things are insane in the membrane CRAZY: Michelle Obama, our new first lady and my SYTYCD partner-in-crime, chose to wear THIS dress to her husband's victory speech...in front of the whole fucking world...on election night:

ZOMG.

If that shit doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

This is a new America, people...and I fucking LOVE it!

power to the people,
m.e.

Dear America, *** YES WE CAN! Jus Sayin, Me (We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming)

JUST FUCKING VOTE!!!!

Dear Everyone, ***

This is a really, really, really important day. Like R-E-A-L-L-Y fucking important.

This day is gonna be epic. It's gonna be legendary.

It's gonna be talked about for years and years to come.

Can you hang?

Are you down? Are you gonna step up to the plate?

Or R you gonna sit on the sidelines like some monkey fucker douchetard?

Cause here's the thing: if you don't vote, you can't be a part of it all...you've got no stake...and quite simply: you suck.

It really IS just that cut and dry.

You've got to haul your ass out to the polls today. You have GOTS to vote. You've GOTTA DO IT. No if, ands, or buts motherfuckers.

Here's why:

1. BITCHING - If you don't vote, you can't complain and/or whine like a little fucking bitch. You really wanna give up that privilege?
2. PUSSY - If you vote, you will get laid. Srsly....I'm not kidding. Your ass is gonna be on line for hours...you could pick up some serious fly honey action if you bring your A game. Get some numbers. Work it...its gonna be a target rich environment.
3. HOOKY - Do you like going to work? Didn't fucking think so. If there just "happens" to be "reallllly long lines" at the poll, and your ass shows up late, oh wells!
4. STICKERS - Who wants an "I voted" sticker!? [raises hand].

Also, we live in a democracy, yo. And like it or not, this shit is important.

AND, if we have any hope of getting Barack Obama elected...turning this country around...and getting our asses back on the yellow brick road, it's even more important than ever.

YOU.

MUST.

BARACK.

THE.

VOTE.

Some tips:

*If you live in New York state and are unsure where you need to go to vote, look yourself up here on the Board of Elections site. I'm voting early tomorrow morn at P.S. 321 in Park Slope, Brooklyn. See you there, motherfuckers!

*If you live in any other part of the country, check out Google's handy dandy polling map which will fill you in on who, what, where and when (today, bias!) you can go to Rock the vote.

*While you are Baracking, you should video your election day experience and post it on Video Your Vote's youtube page.

*The NY Times is asking you to post pics of yourself at your polling place and take part in "the largest online archive of election photographs taken by citizens across the U.S."

*NY Mag is looking for personal photos and/or self portraits documenting your election day experiences. Send pics with caption info by 4pm tomorrow to: election@nymag.com.

*Do you Twitter? (I do). If so, "tweet" your election day experience with the #votereport hashtag so that others can follow.

*Leave a comment here, yo! Tell me about what went down...the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanna hear allll the juicy lowdown.

*After you vote, there are loads of fab places you could go hang out on election night to watch the results. I'll probs be too damn nervous to go to any of em.

So, in summary: VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

kthxbye,
me.

The Hills S4: 13 - You Didn't Srsly Think I Was Going To Do A Fucking Post About The Hills On Election Day, Did You??

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I'm sorry but I really need to put my foot down.

Obvs, I know that I write a blog about celebs...and reality TV stars...and people whose existence on our planet is wholly unimportant to the day-to-day operations of our society as a whole.

I consider myself kinda smart, so I get that 99% of the shit I talk about here is unimportant in the grand scheme of things...and I'm pretty OK with that. I write DFA because I'm entertained by all of these people...and for some bizarro reason care about the comings and goings of their lives. You probably do too, or you would have already clicked your ass off to some other motherfuckin blog already.

However...on the morn of one of the most important fucking elections in our nation's history, even I have to draw a line. And I'm drawing it right fucking here: I simply c-a-n-n-o-t do a recap of The Hills. I CAN'T.

YES WE CAN! (no I can't).

I'm sorry (I really am) for the very, very few of you who actually give a shit about my Tuesday morn Hills recaps.

If Obama is, indeed, elected, I promise to catch up and post it sometime soon. I have a Tivo...I can make it happen.

If Obama is NOT elected, then I make no promises. I will likely be packing...and moving...and slitting my wrists-n-whatnot. I will be v. busy watching our nation unravel at the seams and with all the hellfire and damnation, I'm not sure I can comfortably promise to parse any more Spencer/Heidi convos or unravel yet another pathetic Audy/JustinBobby moment.

And yet, I acknowledge that I do feel responsible to all seventeen of you mofos who actually show your ass up here every day.

So let us leave it here:
*President Obama = DFA is all good in the hood and Hills recaps will begin again immediately; *President McCain = It's *really* been so nice getting to know you all! Peace, out, motherfuckers!

America, I leave it up to you.

let freedom ring,
me

Me-N-CNN, TLF? Everything Is Very Up In The Air Right Now, Unfortch

Dear CNN,***

I'm a fucking wreck.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm gonna have a goddammed heart attack. Like, I *literally* feel the muscles around my heart have tightened up, and my pulse is racing for no reason whatsoever, and I'm breathing heavily-n-shit...aside from all that election dramz, I'm freaking out about you and me.

Like what's gonna happen to us on Weds? Is there even gonna be an "us" on Weds?

For months now, you and me have been going steady. Sure, you courted me with Anderson Cooper at first, but that was really just the beginning. Campbell Brown gave me her varsity sweater, and David Gergen....don't even get me started about David Gergen. In my deepest, darkest moments, its David Gergen's voice that brings me comfort and solace, dear lord our gawd.

Over the last month, espesh, you and I have been srsly hot-n-heavy. I mean, you're the first thing I think about when I wake up (hello, American Morning!) and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (what up, Larry King!). I have dreams about you (Campbell Brown and Lou Dobbs at the dentist...don't ask) and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go watch the election returns at a bar on Tues night, my first response was "what if they're not watching CNN!? We can't risk it!"

I didn't mind at all when John King (your electoral map guy) said he wasn't so good at math, and I don't even give a shit that Roland Martin always looks like he smoked a spliff in the green room before his pundit appearances (High Times, my brotha!). And "Wolf Blitzer?"... its just so much fucking fun to say: BLITZERBLITZERBLITZER.

You ARE the best political team on television, yo!

I know, (just *KNOW*) that the both of us are sitting around waiting/hoping/praying/crossing our fingers that Obama brings it on Tues, (YES WE CAN!), but what then?? I mean, sure our nation will finally be free of a Republican/Bush stranglehold, may actually get out of this financial crisis, be poised to end the war in Iraq and will be working toward getting every man, woman and child healthcare insurance, but WHAT ABOUT U-N-ME????

Am I goin straight back to Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Hills and Rock of Love: Charm School?? Do I have to give Campbell brown back her cardigan?? Will Anderson Cooper's foxy, silver coiff stop showing up on my flatscreen? Are we just done?

Are you even thinking about this stuff too???

Le sigh.

I don't know, this stuff is uncomfortable to talk about, sure, but I thought it was important to get it out on the table. I mean, if we have any hope of saving this relationship, we need to keep our communication open and honest. And we do have something to fight for here, right?.

Also, uhm...

There is something else we need to talk about. I feel awkward about bringing this up on my blog, but I wasn't sure until this weekend and didn't want to worry you, but....I'm pregnant. And its yours, CNN.

Oopsie!

Call,
m.e.

Dear Everyone***: There's Literally Nothing Going On Aside From The Election, And I Could Have Done Some Lame Post, But Here's Some Tribe Instead

A Tribe Called Quest |MTV Music

If I owned a car (which I don't...NYC motherfuckers), I'd so be rollin down the windows and blasting this Tribe song (Award Tour) on Weds after President Obama is all offish-n-shit. Can I get a what what??

TGIF,
m.e.

I'm Voting For Obama (Obvs); How The Fuck Could Anyone *Not*??

Dear Republicans,*?

Despite my need to inject snark into every crevice of my life ad nauseum, I generally consider myself to be a fairly open-minded, free thinking mofo.

I *am* a hardcore Dem, yes, however, if you are not and attempt to have a level headed, non yellfest convo with me about why, I would totally listen.

I know why the caged bird sings, blah, blah, blah.

Despite all this, I still have a major disconnect though: like, how on EARTH could anyone (man, woman, or child), have watched this Obama-mercial last night and still be planning to vote for John McCain?

I mean, really?? Like for really realz?

*Do you have an empty space in the cavity in your chest where your beating heart should be?
*Are you high?
*Do you have a trust fund and just not really give a shit about anything else?

If the answers to any of the above questions are yes, then I t-o-t-a-l-l-y get it. No need for explanation.

If not, I'm sorry...I'm just very fucking confused.

Having said that, I want any of you red mofos who might be furiously composing your comment response to me right now to just relax. Save it for the Fox News boards or the Sean Hannity blog. Cause right now, this shit so isn't even about you.

It's about hope, and change, and inspiration...and getting our country back on track after 8 years of the largest, organized full-scale shit show we've ever been witness to. And, honestly, I simply cannot handle any more narrow minded lameness...or bullshit talk about terrorist bff connections...or insinuations that I'm not a *real* fucking American cause I've never gone cow tipping or stolen my dad's tractor.

Cause I'm really starting to believe that this IS gonna go down. Like that we're all gonna be sayin: "President Obama" this and "President Obama" that on Wednesday. And that makes me so fucking happy I'm literally tearing up jus thinking about it.

I'm so insanely, totally, and completely excited to wake up early next Tuesday and cast my vote for Barack Obama. I'm so incredibly fucking lucky to live in a country where I get to do this (and the motherfucker actually counts!), and grateful to be part of such an historic event. And I'm so busting at the seams hopeful that this is all gonna be the beginning of something much much bigger than we all even know right now.

Yay America!

Jus sayin,
m.e.

If Obama Is Selling Something During His Infomercial Tonight That's $49.95 Or Less, I'm Buying One

Dear Everyone, ***

As long as we're oversharing, here's another juicy bit about me: I el oh vee ee LOVE infomercials.

If you have something to sell me, all you need to do is show me your infomercial and I will immediately dump the contents of my wallet into your piggy bank, no questions asked.

I don't really ever cook, and yet I'm *still* fascinated by that pancake puff pan. I'm dying to buy that Fluidity exercise system thingy, and I'm totally buying (like right now I'm off to order it) those WEN by Chaz Dean haircare products.

Also, I bought a Magic Bullet a couple of years ago and it totally rocked my world.

I am a true believer.

Anyway, I already drank Obama's Kool-Aid long ago, but I'm totes excited to see his little "closing argument" infomercial tonight at 8pm on every network except for ABC. I have no clue what this half hour Obamafest will be like, but I'll have my credit card out in the hopes that operators will be standing by.

Best of all, you can catch the Obaminator afterwards on The Daily Show.

as seen on TV,
me.

Would You Think Any Less Of Me If I Admitted To REALLY Fucking Loving PM Dawn??

P.M. Dawn |MTV Music

Dear Everyone, ***

I've spent the better part of the past 48 hours deep in the heart of MTV's newest site: MTVMusic.com.

If you've yet to check this out:

a. what is your fucking problem?
b. you are so *not* cutting edge
c. do it now, or I'll never speak to you again

As far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing to happen to me since marijuana Sarah Palin joined the Republican ticket. MTVM is comprised of most every single worthwhile music video to ever run across your flatscreen in like the history of ever. Most shockingly, the site is beautiful AND easy to use.

There are videos here that literally take me back to Gulf Middle school in Cape Coral, Florida circa 1985 and, quite frankly, I've never had much of a desire to return to that time and/or place. But something about Arrested Development's Tennessee, for ex., manages to bring me back with a hazy, only midly melancholy edge that *almost* allows me to forget the tragic, daily hellishness that was my middle school experience.

But nothing, and I repeat NOTHING on this tasty little morsel of MTV dub dub dub takes me back faster than this PM Dawn jam. I was positive that this song would have major implications on the successful outcome of my life. I was sure I would lose my virginity to it...and that boys would one day be making me mix-tapes on which this song would be included. I think I even fantasized about this song being played at my wedding, though under what circumstance I am unsure (last dance of the night?).

As such, I took the release of this video VERY fucking seriously. I made it my mission to sit my ass in front of the TV as much as humanly possible in the hopes that I would be lucky enough to be staring upwards at the very moment MTV would make all my fuckin dreams come true by playing (just one more time, please!!) "Set Adrift On Memory Bliss" just for me.

Despite the fact that I watched this vid again and again, I loved this song so much I didn't even think PM Dawn's outfits were the least bit retarded. And though I had no clue what a "neutron fan" was, I wanted to be one. Badly.

In my crazy, fucked up fourteen-year-old mind, this song "completed me," in a way I had never been completed before.

The fact that I loved this song so much, I thought, reflected on the sort of person I was in the world...and that person was way more fucking cool than I was.

Le sigh.

As if confessing all this shit online in front of thousands hundreds tens of strangers wasn't embarrassing enough, here's the kicker: I STILL LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG. Like totally, madly, deeply love it.

And, honestly: it's still completely fucking relevant! Christina Applegate happens to have another hit show right now (Samantha Who?), and its actually v. friggin good.

I'm literally sitting here playing this vid for like the 17th time today.

(Holy. DFA. Overshare)

"that's the way it goes...I guess"
me

The Hills S4: 12 - JustinBobby Has Planted A Chip In Audrina's Brain And Is Now Controlling Her Every Thought And Action With A Switch On His Bike

Dear Everyone, ***

This week's ep was sponsored by Brandy (did you buy her new album yet?) and the words "disappointment," and "retarded."

And, LO was back!

Of course no one mentioned that she's been MIA, and who knows if we'll ever see her again, but bitch made an appearance at Crown Bar and, I for one, was happy to see that she wasn't dead.

These rumors that LC is peacing out after this season are hella inneresting, b/c she's srsly been fading into the background quite a bit over the last few weeks. She barely had any face time this week at all and, honestly, I didn't even notice.

The big news, of course, is that Audrina and JustinBobby are together again. In order to win back her affections, JB gave one of the most touching, romantic speeches I've ever seen come across a dude's lips. Just thinking about it gets me all misty eyed.

I've transcribed it here for your viewing pleasure (NOTE: Audrina's responses have been redacted, because obvs they don't fucking matter at all):

Hi

How's it goin?

I've been thinkin about some of the things that happened in Cabo.

I didn't wanna be that guy...you know what I mean?

I think we have something special. I just think that to be in a relationship, you've kinda gotta be together?

We're a big catch 22.

90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.

I will pretty much always be there for you.

I want you to be with me

(cue make up sex).

I hope any boys who might be reading this right now are TOTALLY taking notes. In fact, you might just want to print this post out so you can use some of JustinBobby's moves on your own fly honey.

She Pratt paraded her new BF Cameron out in front of the gang, and was crushed when the dude didn't "take Brody aside" to read him the riot act for making her cry once 4 eps ago. Later on at lunch, Spencer and Heidi pointed out to Steph that this was actually a really great reason to break up with his ass and get back on track to being miserable just like they are.

I'm gonna go way out on a limb, bias and predict the action for next week (and this is after my Tivo cut off the last few mins of the ep, so I did not see a preview):
*JustinBobby and Audrina start having problems (again, again, again, again)
*She Pratt breaks up with Cameron
*LC and Brody flirt
*Spencer acts like a douche (Heidi doesn't notice)

Hey, that's kind of an interesting idea...maybe I'll recap the ep next week WITHOUT watching and see how close I am! (read: this is how fucking bored I am).

the rest is still unwritten,
me

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Sooo Needs To get Her Narrow White Ass Off My Flatscreen

Dear Everyone, ***

I double dawg dare you to watch this entire youtube vid of Elisibitch Hasselbeck introducing Governor Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend.

Watch the whole thing from start to finish, and if afterwards you don't feel like:

*kicking a puppy
*burning a flag
*getting an abortion just for the hell of it
*and/or all of the above

...Then I'm not a smart-ass, Jew, know-it all liberal elite (hint: I so fuckin am).

See, I jus can't help bein sassy neether, Elisabeth.

Anyone know the best way to clean vomit off your LCD?,
me

SYTYCD Is Reaching Across the Aisle and Bringin the Reps and Dems Together!

Dear Everyone, ***

I offer up an emphatic "TOLD YOU SO" to all you motherfuckers out there who have ever doubted my unwavering and deeply rooted dedication to So You Think You Can Dance. This shit is relevant, people! And it's bringing us all together!

Consider the following as proof:

1. Amy Strozzi, Sarah Palin's traveling stylist is a make-up artist for SYTYCD! She's probs powder puffed Joshua! And Will! And Maybe even Cat Deeley. Anyway. This chick was paid $22,800 for the first two weeks in October to help the governor get her pretty on. This was twice as much money as McCain's foreign policy advisor was paid. Rad!

2. Michelle Obama revealed in a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer that her favorite show is....

Wait for it....

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

[insert Mary Murphy rape scream here]

Therefore, with these recent developments, I think it would be totally fucking impossible to deny that SYTYCD is now playing a significant and substantial role in shaping the policies of our great nation.

Jus sayin,
me.

Sarah Palin Spent $150,000 On Her New Wardrobe And All I Gots Was This Stinkin T-Shirt!?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

I'm a girl, so obvs I love to get my shop on. But like, I've srsly got nothing on you.

You're a true inspiration.

I had no fucking clue that hockey moms were such fashionistas, but when your seven year old daughter is sportin a Louie Vu, I guess its safe to assume you know the difference between Spanx and Donna Karran body shapers. Color me red, white-n-blue with shock, awe and surprise.

$150,000 on clothes in one month is truly impressive!

Here's the thing, though: I don't even really give a shit that you spent all that money. In fact, I think most of the peeps that sent the RNC donations were total dickwads anyway, so it doesn't bother me one little panty lick to think of all their hard earned money getting pissed away at Saks and Neiman Marcus on a shiny, new wardrobe pour vous.

I think its pretty awesome.

What DOES bother me, however, (and bothers me a whole fuckin lot) is that you spent $150,000 benjis...on, presumably, designer clothes, and you still ended up looking like this:


Suze Orman has better jackets than that shit.

Obvies, whomever was heading up your Extreme Makeover efforts fucked this whole thing up big time, and it had nothing to do with the fact that $150k was spent.

I've decided to, yet again, solve the world's problems and take matters into my own hands.

Following, I present you with one week's worth of wardrobe suggestions. Basically, this is what you SHOULD have done with all of your money in order to look like the ultimate fighting champ, VP wannabe (all clothes are from Neiman Marcus and/or Saks):

MONDAY
Tahari Houndstooth skirtsuit ($598)
This look is totally chic, yet also commanding. Like, yeah, I'm a woman! So what! Fuck you! Just because I get my period, it doesn't mean I'm gonna show up on the Senate floor acting all wishy washy, boo hoo, sweetie, baby, cookie, honey. That's right: I rock the decolletage just like I rock those Al Qaeda fuckers!

TUESDAY
Dior Belted Virgin Wool Jacket ($1999)

This one is all about the glam factor. As much as I hate your ass, I think this Dior number would be particularly gorge on you. You'd look so hot in this, desperate Republicans would start bringing up Jackie O comparisons, and then Keith Olbermann could put you on his Worst Person List for daring to smear the name of a Kennedy by trying to channel her style, and Rachel Maddow would sneer and look all disappointed that someone like you was ever born, but you wouldn't care b/c you'd still be killin it in this.

WEDNESDAY
Theory Tailor Suit ($535)

Here's your DO NOT FUCK WITH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES look. Throw this puppy on, look into the mirror and repeat after me "I am fierce. I am fabulous. I will NOT be fucking stuck in Alaska for the rest of my life." You could wear this suit, walk right up to Christopher Buckley and be all "you wanna bet on Black, motherfucker! Bet on this!" (Oh Snap!)

THURSDAY
Magaschoni Suit ($872)

We flying the first class

Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

FRIDAY
Anne Klein Puckered Shirtdress (on sale!: $296)

Of course you can bring home the bacon! Of course you can fry it up in a pan! Obvies you can even shoot a motherhumpin moose with a semi-automatic weapon from a helicopter, fuck your husband on a snow mobile, read a book to your special needs baby, AND still have time to take your teenaged daughter Bristol for her pre-natal care appointments. You are today's modern day woman!

TOTAL = $4300

Let's bump that shit up to $5k for good measure, multiply by it four, and that's still only $20k for one month's worth of duds.

Dignity = T-O-T-A-L-L-Y in tact (priceless).

I could have saved the motherfucking Republicans $130,000, yo!

You could have used all that extra money to buy a lot of these:


And then killed a lot of these:


Oh well.

Mo money, mo problems,
me

Here's Some Advice Miss Teen Louisiana USA: In The Game Of Life, Choose 'Smart' Over 'Pretty'

Dear Everyone, ***

There is a very well known, universally accepted maxim at work in the world, and whether you talk about it or not, I'm here to tell you that its totally fucking true. Here it is: you can be smart, or you can be pretty, but you CANNOT be both.

That's right. It's smart OR pretty...one or the other.

I don't make up the fuckin rules here people...I'm just the messenger.

Now, of course not everyone who's smart is ugly and not everyone's who's dumb is pretty, however, you are primarily known in the world as one or the other...like, overwhelmingly so.

This means that if I walked my ass out to Times Square right now, forced 100 random people into a little room and marched myself in there to stand there and talk to the good folks for 5 mins, after I walked away, 98 of those motherfuckers would be sayin' "there goes that smart girl."

This fact was kind of an upsetting blow for the teenaged me who was really just hoping to get banged by a football player, but now it's alll good in the hood. Really. I swear.

Sure, I can get dolled up and slap on the sex every once in awhile, but that still doesn't change the fact that 9 out of 10 sons of bitches know me out in the world as the "smart" girl.

Anyway.

You know who's NOT known out in the world as a smart girl?: Miss Teen Louisiana USA, Lindsay Evans. Lindsay, is pretty much your card carrying pretty girl.

Check this shit out: Linds goes out to grab a bite with her bitches at her local "full service, family oriented" Mexican restaurant, Posados Cafe. I imagine a delicious, salsa infused meal was had by all, but homegirl decides to chip out on her chalupa and "dine and dash" (who the fuck uses that phrase, by the way?? I mean, I realize that I just did, but I'm just doing it b/c everyone else is. Only this is the first time I've heard that in my entire life. Oh yeah...smart girls don't dine-n-dash).

It gets way better, tho, bias.

Not only does this pageant weasel skip out on the check like some hooligan, bitch leaves her purse sitting in her greasy ass booth....WITH A BAG OF MOTHERFUCKING WEED IN IT (Oh, Snap!). And her ID, lip gloss, a bible, a McCain/Palin button and a tube of anal lube. Actually, not sure about the lip gloss.

Her bill was $46.07

Needless to say, Miss Louisiana Teen USA had her title stripped toute de suite as soon as the proper authorities got wind of her shenanigans. Oh yeah, and they stomped on her crown and arrested too for drug possession too.

Pretty girl had to go fuck AWL her own shit up by acting like a complete and total douchetron in front of everyone on the planet.

Le sigh.

As we all know from watching the Spears clan, there are not exactly opportunities a plenty for girls growin up in Loose-i-ana. But this shit was almost as stupid as that guy who tried to cash a check for $360 billion dollars.

Take some advice from a smart girl, my pretties: check yo self before you wreck yourself (and never, I repeat NEVER leave a bag of weed unattended).

stupid is as stupid does,
m.e.

Tom Cruise-N-Katie Holmes: Ditch The Garanimals, MMM Kay?

Dear Tom & Katie, *

I normally never do fashion focused posts because there are tons of other blogs out there on the interwebs that are way better suited to discuss this sort of thing that I am, but I can no longer sit idly by biting my tongue about you two bitches.

You're both in NYC right now for Katie's show All My Sons. And I'M in NYC, and true I'm probs seeing way more pics of you than I normally would, but now you two got me all curious so I started googling.

OMFG.

Let's break this shit down:

1. Matching Fucking Outfits!? - Ok, look: if you have little baby twins or trips or something and you want to put them in little matching outfits, that's kinda cute. Or if its Halloween and you l00zers want to match it up with coordinating and/or matching outfits, more power to you....but at a cocktail party at the Hermes store!? You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. This makes me want to go take a power vomit. Couples don't wear matching outfits. Espesh if you're a mega rich, superstar celeb couple on a quest to prove to everyone that a. You actually are real couple; b. Your life is not ruled and carefully planned out by a team of manipulative Scientologists plotting to take over the world; or c. You're not gay.

I mean, this shit is Celeb 101 here. I've only got a fucking blog that's about celebrities and I know this!

Some friendly advice: this is sooo not cute; This is sooo not cool; This is so not something you should EVER do again.

Oh wait:
2. Taking Chances - Stepping out of your comfort zone every once in awhile to take a chance on a new look or a new designer is something I applaud. It's during these moments that we often feel we get a true look into the moods, likes, and dislikes of all you crazy celeb kids. Here's the rub: this can either work out swimmingly and result in something like this:

OR, this can result in a FAIL of epic proportions. The sort of FAIL that will become legendary...that people will talk about for years and years and years. i.e. something like this:

Tom, you obvies have no fucking clue what you're doing in the world of fashion, so I'm not even going to bother with you. But, Katie...you were actually on quite the high fashion kick for awhile back there. You were looking glam, and fab...and now its all gone to shit. I guess your fashion prowess was all due to your BFF sitch with Posh, and now that that's over, so are you?

3. Eh, Fuck it -

See that was really all I had to say about you two (I told you there was a reason I don't do fashion posts).

Anyway, pull your shit together. It's getting embarrassing already.
kthxbye,
me.

The Hills S4: 11 - The Fall Of JustinBobby? (Yeah, Right)

Dear Everyone, ***

Honestly, I can't concentrate on a goddamn Hills related thing until someone can tell me where the fuck Lo is!? It's been like three weeks with ZERO mention of LO, and this shit is srsly pissing me off now!

Are you OK, LO? Do you need help? Money? WTF?? You missed a trip to Cabo!

In other sad news, I guess I just need to accept the fact that Audrina-n-JustinBobby are the Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love of The Hills, and be done with it (*yes I realize that I could make some sort of sick and twisted joke here, but even I don't have the strength). Also, when the hell did JB become friends with the Frankie and Brody and the gang? Like, I don't understand how his ass got invited to Cabo when Audy didn't want him there. Though I also don't understand why Audy didn't want him there since last week she was all taking off her bikini top in the pool, ignoring Corey and generally just being all "i'm in love with JB again-n-shit."

So, yeah...everyone went to Cabo for Brody's birthday. At last count I think 9 out of the 11 eps this season took place around someone's motherfuckin' birthday, so way to stay on point MTVers. And happy birthday, bra.

I was sooo waiting for that moment when Brody, et al were walking down the beach only to run into Spencer & Heidi who'd be all "Hey! What are you guys doing here! How funny that we just happened to end up in Cabo on the same weekend!," but as it turned out Speidi had bigger fish to fry in the the land of la.

Seems She Pratt is all cuddly and snuggly with her new BF Cameron and thought it would be a good idea to introduce this new dude to Spence-n-Heids. Raise your hand if you think that was a good idea...

(................)

Right.

Surprise surprise: Spence acted like a dick; Cameron hated him; and She Pratt was embarrassed.

Back down in Meh-he-ko, JustinBobby got all jel of Audrina in one of his usual "I don't give a shit about you until you start getting interested in someone else" emotional predator moments. He was playing all sorts of mind games with Dreens and bitch was crumbling faster than a house of cards. You could actually look at her face and almost see the tornado of confusion brewing in her sad, little brain over all this JustinBobbyness.

Thank gawd she had LC to talk her down from the ledge, but ZOMG, looks like next week she might be right back in JustinBobaritoville! Can you believe it!?

Yeah, me neether.

I really can't believe it at all.

the rest is still unwritten,
me

P.S. WHERE IS LO, MOTHERFUCKERS! If anoyone tracks down her whereabouts, please let me know immieds...

Thanks For Reminding My Husband What NOT To Do, Balthazar Getty (Lesson #3: FUBAR)

Dear My Husband, ***

On the special occasion of our second wedding anniversary I thought we could, yet again, revisit the wonderfully illustrative, ever blossoming romance between Billionaire douchetard Balthazar Getty and that whiny little slut of a harpie, Sienna Miller.

These two home wreckers swapped spit over the weekend on their "reunited and it feels so good" tour in Positano, Italy (Remember when WE were in Positano! For our Honeymoon!? And I was all: "OMGZ, I sooo want to move here." And you were all: " fuck dat noise").

Anyway.

These two bitches are apparently still TLF and want us all to get a good hard look at them playing kissy face (including Balty's poor, jilted wife, and his FOUR fucking children).

Well, la ti da.

Those two look like they're having a rip roaring time...true. But we're looking for the lesson in all this, and the lesson is thus:

Don't. Ever. Cheat.

The ONLY reason that Balz is getting away with this shit, is because he's a billionaire....and must be dispatching ocean liners full of cash to his wife's doorstep.

We brought our own snacks to the movies last weekend...you do the math.

So, you jus keep doin what you're doin and we'll be good in the hood. But you know that already, cuz you rule.

Happy Anniversary!

Nakomis 4 eva,
me

WHOA: Britney Spears' New Website Doesn't Suck!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

Congrats on the relaunch of your shiny, new website!

There's a certain symmetry here, right? New single, new bod, (new meds?) and new website.

Loves it!

So, I was krumping around on there and happened across your new blog! Of course, that's where I found some of the juiciest bits of Britney flavored Brit-tasticness I ever did see (i.e. the vid above).

I must confess: Tyler and Suzanne Foehr were so delightful, I'm semi-inspired to record my own "choreographed" routine for Womanizer, however:
*I'm not quite sure I gots the skillz to pay the billz
*I still have an eensy bit of dignity and self respect left

Anyway.

Aside from Tyler and Suzanne's dance-a-thon, my fave entry so far was the vid of you waving to the teenyboppers on the celebrity bus tour. Totally adorbs.

It's like official now: Britney's back, bitches.

Looking forward to way more delish Brit bits.

2 Legit 2 Quit,
me