FIPS vs. DFA: The Battle Begins

Dear Everyone, ***

I still really, really, love all your asses long time, BUT, I also (...uhm) kinda started a new blog too.

It's called Fucked in Park Slope (which is where I live in Brooklyn), and after about 24 hours we're already getting some attensh: Woot Curbed, and Holla New York Shitty (the OG of smart ass BK bloggin)!

I don't want to get all "Video Killed the Radio Star" on you guyz, but DFA is gonna be on the back burner for a minute or two while we get ourselves up and running.

Sunshine and moonbeams (?)

love to love u,
m.e.

Heidi-n-Spencer Get Hitched

Dear Heidi-n-Spencer, *

Congrats.

For realzy.

See you again on June 16, 2009 when I publish this: "Heidi-n-Spencer R Dunzo!"

[yes people, I'm out on a limb here and predicting the *day* of the divorce announcement]

whatever,
m.e.

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Goodbye 2 The Crazy (Le Sigh)

Dear Everyone, ***

I don't know about your asses, but I am absolutely heartbroken that this shit is ovah. It was too quick! I want more crazy!

What about She by Sheree? Is Sheree gonna be on Project Runway next year?

Did Kim Zolciak ruin Dallas Austin's career? Does she understand what Guacamole *is* now?

What happened with NeNe-n-Curtis? Is she gonna go on a date with the Coop?

Ok, so Real Housewives of Atlanta ended last week, and we're all obvs on the edge of our seats waiting for the Reunion Special this Tues. It looks unmissable, people, and word on the street is that a MA-JOR, knock down, drag out fight takes place between Lisa Wu Hartwell and Kimmy Kim Kim Zolciak. Needless to say, my eyes will be peeped.

Anyway, there has been so much juicy RHOA shit on the dub dub dub over the past week, and I've just been playin Boys 2 Men's "End of the Road" on repeat, so I just HAD to do a round-up:

* Hold onto your tissues and bottles of Jergens: Kim is posing for Playboy. (Dlisted)

*Speaking of Kim, Bonnie Hunt does a mean ass impression (her wig = perfection). (Pop on the Pop)

*I think I'll miss Scented Glossy Magazine's recaps most of all. (SGM)

*Again, people: The Reunion Special is gonna be of the hizzie. (Jezebel)

*The Coop-n-NeNe continue to flirt. (Defamer)

*Vintage Kim Zolciak: this shit is good. Seems Kimmy appeared years ago on a "Hot or Not" type reality show hosted by Lorenzo Lamas. Through the magic of the internets, it is yours for the watching (by the by, Kim got a unanimous NOT). (DListed)

*Video Previews of the Reunion show, plus Kimmy's interview with Essence mag (guess wha, bitches!? She's keepin it real!) (Best Week Ever).

*The Coop talkin about his Boo, NeNe on The Tonight Show. (Gawker)

*Kim did Karaoke in NYC...and now its on youtube. Le sigh. (Mollygood).

*RHOA: Where R They Now? (Videogum).

*Kim's post finale blog; Sheree's blog; DeShawn's blog; NeNe's blog; and Sheree's blog. Miss Lisa Wu hasn't updated since Nov. 11th. Verrry innerrresting. (BONUS: Read RHONYC Bethenny Frankel's blog sharing her insight on all the Hot-lanta ladiez)

Anyway.

RHOA Reunion special airs this Tuesday, November 25th at 10pm on Bravo (I'm counting the seconds).

love to love you,
me.

David Archuleta Was Fucking Robbed!

Dear psychotic screaming American Idol obsessed tween girls, ***

This is pretty much *exactly* how I felt on the day I found out that Clay Aiken was gay.

Le sigh.

xoxo,
me

p.s. it only gets way the fuck worse from here, ladiez.

Sarah Palin Is A PC, Obama Is A Mac...Does This Help Y'All Understand The Election Results A Little Better?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

Wow, I really thought that my haterade hard on for you was already at full mast being that I disagree with every religious, philosophical, political and theoretical idea you have ever shared.

But this last thing...THIS is the thing that confirms that u-n-me can never ever be an item.

While everyone was gawking at your short shorts the other day at the Republican Governor's Conference in Miami, Geeksugar was scoping out the fact that you are, something far worse than a whore-y, soul sucking moron: very predictably, you are a PC (duh).

True, this fact could have been called from miles and miles away from the comfort of an amply stocked with semi-automatic machinery moose hunting helicopter, but still...it was nice to have official pics or it didn't happen confirmation.

Anyway, obvies I am a mac.

Just as you believe strongly in a Creationist theory of the universe, I believe strongly in this.

In summary, stay true to your PCness, Sarah...really. It's incredibly helpful in allowing me to continue to easily sub categorize the world. I'm sure someone already told you that anyone who uses a mac is either: gay, Jewish, a gotcha media journalist, an elite (i.e. the dude who actually got elected Prez), or all of the above, so you really don't want to mix it up with any of those mofos.

Also I hear Putin is a mac (!).

Vista or bust,
m.e.

p.s. You sooo should have worn a bikini. You for srs squandered that media opp.

Martha Stewart-n-Snoop Dogg Make Sweet, Sweet Lurv

Dear Martha, ***

ZOMGS, I had the craziest ass dream!

You had Snoop Dogg on your show and were all "he's off the chizzle for shizzle...and today he's in the hizzle"-n-shit.

And then you wanted him to tell you what he calls a potato...and you know what he calls a potato?! A POTATO!

Then you made mashed potizzles with his ass.

And then Snoop was all "Miss Martha...you are a hot ass ho" and you were all "Mr. Doggy Dogg I would love for you to take me out back and show me how a for real for realz man haz a good time." And Snoop was all, "Hells yeah, bitchizzle, I'm gonna..."

Oh wait.

Sorry.

Anyway, it was a crazy ass dream.

"it's a good thing,"
me.

Justin Timberlake Is SO Not A Douchetard Everyone (Told Ya So)

Dear JT, ***

Yet again, I'd like to offer up a hearty fuck all y'all to your haters.

Justin Timberlake trash talking has reached an all-time fever pitch in recent months: NY Mag claimed you lost your charisma, Pop on the Pop thinks you're off your meds, Videogum said that you are "unclever," and Perez calls you "Timberlame." And that's like only half the shit I came across in my google reader.

I for one, have stayed true blue true to my man through all of this nonsensical bullshit. And on Saturday night, you reminded me why.

Holy. Hilariousness.

And just in case people were thinkin "yeah...he's funny, but that was like all about the leotard," you then went on to KILL IT during Weekend Update.

Oh, snap!

How you like me now motherfuckers!?

[Uh huh].

[That's what I thought].

Whatever dudes....

I know you know who ur deep down, cellular levels fans are, JT (submits DNA for evidence), so my ass isn't goin anywhere.

Big ups for SNL.

love to love u,
m.e.

DFA + MTV's Buzzworthy Blog = TLF

Dear Everyone, ***

Just in case you're sitting around thinking: "s'like, I love reading DFA everyday...I just wish I had MORE to sink my teeth into. Write. More Stuff. PUHLEEZ!," well today is your lucky, mothefuckin day.

Krump on over to MTV's Buzzworthy blog, and you'll find some Grade A, top notch, not-to-be-missed buzzy buzz. I'll be joining the buzzworthy gang 3 times a week, with a weekend recap on Mondayz, some old-school vintage vault music video commentary mid week, and all sorts of other fun stuff. So, if you haven't already, I highly suggest you make room in your RSS reader for Buzzworthy, and start reading it pronto (there will be a test).

These guys are on top of pretty much everything and anything happening in the world of music, esp everything JoBro related (duh).

It's buzz-a-licious.

Buzz-tacular.

Buzz-be-lievable

buzz,
me.

Mley Cyrus Is So Not Dead, Y'All

Miley, **

I'm v. glad to hear that despite reports to the contrary (i.e. the bullshit hacker notice posted to ur youtube account allegedly from Mandy claiming you were hit by a a drunk driver), you're not, uhm, dead.

However.

Based on the fact that your cell phone has already been broken into like 17 times...and now your getting all sorts of violated on the youtube...don't you think it might be time to...oh, I don't know: CHANGE ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PASSWORDS!?

Jus sayin.

love to love u,
m.e.

Cappucine: Cute Overload Dot Com To The Max (Meet Your Match, Suri Cruise!)

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Dear Everyone, ***

ZOMG.

I am in a full on cute coma.

I die.

I have just spent the past hour watching all 75 vids starring this adorable-licious little girl, and quite frankly, I'm feeling unprepared for now having to deal with the realities of life.

Work? Shower? Taking out the garbage?

I simply cannot do it. It's not fair! I just want to watch these videos all day. And watch Cappucine dance. And listen to Cappucine say hippopotamus and croco-deel en francais (Mon dieu!).

Can we all band together and insist that Cappucine (dubbed Amelie Jr. by the leaders of the interwebs) take over for Suri, Shiloh, Zuma, David, Honor, Max, Emme and all the rest of the celebrity babies?

Pleeez???

I can haz Cappucine?

:)

gum drops and moonbeams,
m.e.
(via ki_lo via Jezebel)

BREAKING: Kim & Lisa Fight To The Death In RHOA Throwdown

Keith Sweat |MTV Music

Dear Everyone, ***

Just got a hot reader tip about the Real Housewives of Atlanta that I HAD to share.

Who the hell knows if its true, or not, but if it is true, it's hella juicy. So gather round kids, lean in, and feast your eyes on this:

"Kim Zolciak, single mother of 2, from Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo Channel), is the target of Lisa Wu Hartwell's verbal rampage. Lisa recently verbally exploded in an on camera taping of the reunion against Kim Monday in Atlanta. (much speculation that Lisa struck Kim on and off camera).

Lisa, ex wife of Keith Sweat, is upset with Kim over the news that the story Lisa does not have custody of her children because she previously had a drug addiction problem amongst other allegations has leaked because of Kim. Producers may require Lisa to undergo anger management classes. Lisa's children and ex husband are not featured in the show as their father, Keith Sweat, did not sign the release form to allow them to be filmed with Lisa.

There is trouble in paradise as, Lisa, has threatened Kim at local media tapings with comments, text messages and phone call messages. Sources say that Kim currently is in serious consideration to take legal action against Lisa, as there is significant documentation of the intimidation and harrassment to warrant a restraining order."

Whoa, baby. That's some grade A, good shit.

Interesting too, since Lisa has sorta been a non-entity to me thus far throughout the RHOA eps. I wonder if this all went down in her bowling alley?

Just for funzies, I went back into the vault to remind myself who the fuck Keith Sweat actually was/is. The jam above ("Make You Sweat") t-o-t-a-l-l-y takes me back to my leggings/E.G. Smith socks wearin days.

Check out some more vids here.

Of course I'll let your asses know if I hear anything else.

love to love you,
me.

UPDATE: As per u, SGM has the best scoop about this whole sitch.

Miley Cyrus WILL Definitively Turn Your Sweet Angel Little Girls Into Junior Tranny Hookers, Mr. President Elect. I Assure You

Dear President Elect Barack Obama, ***

I understand that your adorable, light of your life, cute overload dot com daughters Malia-n-Sasha have been invited to do a guest spot on Hannah Montana with Miley Cyrus.

WHOA.

Ok, hold the fucking phone right there.

I'm sure you and Michelle are way on top of this sitch, and I really don't mean to interfere, but I can't help but offer up my own take on the shituation which is: NO, no, nowayjose, a thousand times N O , n'uh uh. NO.

In case you are not convinced that this is the worst idea in the history of the universe, I offer you up the following as proof:





And *just* in case that doesn't like totally convince you, here's one more snap of another famous chick who ALSO has her own tween TV show:

This idea is worse than asking Sarah Palin to be the newly appointed Ambassador to Russia...worse than choosing a pitpubull that hasn't been fixed and likes to hump everyone as your white house pet...worse than Heidi Montag supporting you as a candidate; in other words = catastrophe of epic proportions.

Fuck the first 100 days...this shit is your real priority.

I vote "NO" on a Hannah Montana appearance.

my country tis of thee,
m.e.

Jaden Smith: Mini Douchetard In The Making, Or Bursting With Kiddie Confidence? You Decide

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I *know* its like a thing that I'm not supposed to talk about other people's kids.

Perez gets shit all the time for saying stuff like Adam Sandler's daughter Sadie got hit by the ugly stick or calling Rumer Willis a Potato Head (he says it, bitches...not me).

Anyway, I know I'm not supposed to do this and if you simply cannot hang, than I suggest you skip today's post in the hopes that I write about gumdrops and moon beams tomorrow.

Cause I've been thinkin' about this shit for a long time now, and I can no longer hold back. I'm sorry to mothers and fathers everywhere, and grandparents too I guess. And I should probably pre-apologize to all you scientology freaks who r gonna send your kids to that freaky Bev Hills Scientology school, cause I'm sure your asses are gonna be pissed off at me too (though I don't care about you so much).

Anyway.

Here's what's on my mind : Will and Jada Smith's son Jaden seems like he's a colossal asshole.

!!!!!!!!!

I submit the following as evidence:


True, I guess I mostly feel this way because the dude is friggin ALWAYS wearing sunglasses, but I mean come on! Inside, outside, night, day, the little fucker simply cannot leave home without his shades....and he's 10!

AND, if he's not wearin sunglasses, he's inevitably making some sort of "step off, biyotch and don't fuck with me or else" pose. Like this one:


WTF?

I mean, I just envision him sitting in some mini-me office in Will Smith's house (set up to look exactly like Will's office because: AWWWWWWW, That's so cute!) He probably barks orders at people and insists that the maid iron his underwear-n-shit. I'm sure he's got girls following him around in bikinis already, his own recording studio and one of those mini electric Mercedes cars that he can drive around their property and run squirrels over with.

I don't know...I mean, this little douche dude is not the kid I would want to send my child on a playdate with, ya know? (eventhough I don't have a kid...and even if I did they wouldn't have playdates because I'd force them to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs like Harry Potter...but still).

Now, apparently Jaden's also gonna be starring in a remake of The Karate Kid, and fine...that news did piss me off a little bit too.

Fuck it....I'm officially going on record: me no likey this guy....and I'm not sure why, but mark my words, he is bad news bears.

you've been warned,
me.

If The Secret Service Ever Gave Me A Codename, I'd Want It To Be Sassafrass...Or Fandango

Dear Jew Scum Media "Gotcha" Journalists, ***

While I enjoyed the hell out of learning that the Obama family has the coolest code names in the double secret CIA history of the universe (Barack Obama = Renegade; Michelle Obama = Renaissance; Malia Obama = Radiance; Sasha Obama = Rosebud), doesn't this, uhm, DEFEAT THE WHOLE FUCKING PURPOSE OF PROTECTING THEM??

Hai, Mr. crazy, psychopath terrorist!

In case you are looking to maime/hurt/spit on/scream expletives at any members of the first family, just print out this little crib sheet and follow around any ole Secret Service agent to pin down their location. It's like your very own GPS!

Please tell me these names were released because they now get NEW names?

WTF?,
m.e.

Apparently You're Now Allowed To Say 'Fuck' On MSNBC (Cuil!)

Dear Joe Scarborough, **

Wanna do some guest posts for DFA?

[this ruled!]

love to love you,
me

Despite Her Resounding Cute-it-tude, Suri Cruise Was Obvs Crying Out To Be Rescued By An Apache Helicopter Or A Rogue Submarine

Dear Suri Cruise, *?

Believe it or not, this photo was taken moments after your little celebrified, scientology flecked ass walked right be me!

Yep, it's totally, 100% true!

It was last Friday afternoon around 12: 35 in Union Square. I had just gotten off of work (summer hours all year long, bitches!) and I was walking over to Trader Joe's with my husband to get some more of those 100 calorie choc bars, frozen meatless meatballs, cashew nuts and those asian soup bowl things that I totally dig for lunch.

Anyway, there we are...innocently walking along, cursing all of the annoying mofos who crossed our path and delayed our fucking mango, roasted red salsa purchasing for another 38 seconds, when I look over and immediately have this thought:

"Why the fuck do I know that little girl who's walking by me? I know like 9 kids total and I hate all the other ones, so unless that bitch is related to me, which she clearly is not, there is no way that I could possibly know who the fuck her little as [....] OHHELLSYEAH! WAIT A GODDAMMED FUCKING MINUTE. IT'S SURI MOTHERFUCKING CRUISE! THE Suri motherfucking Cruise [xenu, xenu]. AND IF THAT'S the SURI, THAN SHE MUST BE WALKING WITH [at this point, eyes shift up...and up...and until I spot an alien, giraffe-like being in skinny jeans with a bad haircut] KKKKKAAAAATTTTIIIIEEEE!"

The following took place over the course of the next four seconds: I point out you and ur mama bear Katie Holmes to my husband. He responds with a predictable "WHERE!!??" I point out exactly where (i.e. right in his fucking face). He responds with an "OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHH." I stumble in my purse for my cell phone to take a picture of you (I cannot, for the life of me, locate my cell phone). My husband says "Wait, where again???"

ZOMGS.

By this time, you and your mamz had skipped away, off to the park (I now learn) to ostensibly play or some shit like that.

Gone forever.

Buh bye, bitches.

The whole thing seemed like a random act at the time, based on the logic of: well, we live in NYC; lots of celebs live here too; we're bound to run into some every once in awhile.

However, after careful analysis, I submit to you (you = my fine DFA readers; AND you = Suri), that that's all just a load of shit. This was not a random meeting...this was not haphazard: this was a divine power intervening on our behalfs (is that even a word?). This was fate. This was kismet. This was written in the book of life.

I'm not sure why I've been deemed the chosen one (again! wow, thanks gawd), but somehow, somewhere, the responsibility to rescue you-n-ur-mom from the grips of your scientology soaked, Tom Cruise powered vice grip has fallen on the shoulders of yours truly.

Le sigh.

Ok, so check it: I'm not exactly sure how I'm ultimately going to carry this shit out, but in the meantime, tell your mommy dearest to keep sneaking off to her closet and recording messages for us. She can even bring you if she has to, I don't give a crap.

Also, in the meantime, I've set up the following toll free number to ring directly on my cellphone: 1-800-SURI-RES (CUE...get it?). You can reach me day or night (try not to call after 10:30pm).

I am here for you now...ALWAYS. But I guess you already know that....since you walked by me on Friday...totally on purpose...and very not randomly.

Everything will be fine (probably).

keepin the faith,
m.e.

The Hills S4: 13 - (For Reals) Return Of The Stupid

Dear Everyone, ***

Annnnnd...... I'm back!

After my week long Obama-thon, I finally decided to return to the land of bla and check in with LC, Audy and Dumb-n-Dumber on The Hills.

During this ep, I experienced a broad range of emotional ups and downs: I laughed....I cried...I screamed, and finally, I stabbed myself in my motherfuckin eyeballs just to make it all stop.

Imagine having the following convo with one of your friends:

You: Yeah, so uhm...I'm thinking of quitting my job as a high paid NASA rocket scientist and going back to school to get my masters in poetry. The degree should only cost $150k or so and then I can be back in the job market! Poets are so happening right now. Also, uhm, I have about a millie to invest and I'm thinking of putting it all in sub-prime mortgages. I KNOW...everyone is dumping sub prime mortgages now, but that just means better deals pour moi! I'm goin all in, yo! Also, I think I'm gonna try smokin' crack tonight, cause like I've always really wanted to give it a whirl, ya know? I took my blood pressure pill this morn, so its all gonna be good in the hood.

Your Friend: Uhm, I'm not really sure that's such a good idea [insert your name]. I mean, things are pretty great for you now, and each of those ideas sounds stupider than the last.

You: Yeah, I know. I DO come up with great ideas, right!? I knew you'd support me.

Your Friend: [insert your name]! That's not what I said at all. You're making a huge mistake! Do not pass go, do not collect $200! You. Must. Chill.

You: I just knew you would be a friend for me! I'm so glad I decided to talk to you about all of this!

Right (now do you understand why LC has that fucking look on her face above?).

Ok, so the words might be a little different, but this *basically* sums up the convos that both Heidi AND Audy had at various points in the ep regarding the stupid, collosal mistakes they were each about to engage in.

Let's start with Heids. Her life as a fake event planner, finally caught up with her...and/or Brent Bolthouse woke up from his retarded dream that hooking his wagon to Heidi Montag was a smart thing to do. Bottom line: Heidi got fired after getting shitfaced at an event she was supposed to be running at some lame new LA hotspot. Also, she invited all her friends and encouraged them to get drunk too, and then to put a big fuckin cherry on the whole thing, she asked the owner of said lame LA hotspot if he wanted to do shots with her and her entire whack pack...or something like that.

The best part is, when Brent called her into his office the next day to confront her about her olympic-sized fuck up, she acted as if she didn't think it was a big deal. She was all "well, I just assumed that after I worked for a few mins, I deserved to unwind a bit with a Lemon Drop, 2 screwdrivers, a frozen margarita and 4 Jaeger shots. Was that not cool? [bat eyelashes]" And then Brent just stared at her for a minute and told her to pack up her shit. I am, obvs, convinced that this had a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y nothing to do with the fact that Heidi never really worked there in the first place....or that her fake employee status and her fake cubicle were taking up space in this dude's REAL office. The two are completely unrelated, of course.

Moving on to Audrina: after the totally touching and heart wrenchingly emotional speech that JustinBobby laid on Audrina last week (quick recap: "90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.") [a tear slowly rolls down my cheek], Audy decided it was a super smart idea to just go out and buy a house (that she likely can't afford), pretty much with the sole purpose of having a space where her and JB could create their own love nest.

I'm not kidding people. Her Kat Von D wannabe tatooed sister Casey called her on it and she pretty much admitted as much.

Flash forward to Audy's convo with JB about their presumptive upcoming co-habitation, and yet again JustinBobarino let loose with a baseball diamond sized gem after Audrina threw the possibility out on the table: [gawd forgive me cause I'm on a bus down to DC and I stupidly didn't write this shit down before I left, but its something along the lines of...] "Maybe....you know what? Let it happen, and just see what happens."

[the eyeball stabbing kicked in somewhere right around here].

Ok, so not ex-zactly the response Audy was looking for, but since JustinBob-b0b-iran had that chip implanted in her brain awhile back that he controls with a switch on his bike, he just flipped it and: POW! She left feeling like things were GREAT! And finally moving forward! And that spending a million dollars on a house in order to make her doomed relationship work was a really great idea after awl! Yay!

Also, Lo was back...double yay! I've really come full circle with her ass in recent weeks...espesh since she reminded us all in this ep that SHE was the one who invented the JustinBobby nickname way back when. That's some good shit, Lo.

Yet again, LC was barely in the action at all. Except to pout about Audy's move, of course.

My Tivo cut out again a full 3 mins before the ep ended so I'm not sure if there was anything else. And I didn't see the previews for next week. No, this is not the first time, and no I have yet to fix this.

A. I'm fucking pissed at MTV for always having their shows so off schedule. And,
B. I think I wear this badge of "I always miss the last few mins" as a possible sign that I am, in fact, making strives in my efforts to ban The Hills from my life once and 4 all. [ithinkican, ithinkican, YES WE CAN!].

the rest is still unwritten,
me.

I Think Paul Rudd Should Try Out For So You Think You Can Dance

Dear Paul Rudd, ***

You fucking made my day, dude.

Thank gawd I've got your appearance on The Daily Show last night on my tivo, but in the meantime I've got 1:48 through 2:16 of this vid above on a constant loop.

I'm for serious...I've looked at ZERO porn today.

Anyway.

I can haz more of your sweet ass dancing?

xo,
me

Real Housewives Of Atlanta...I Just Can't Quit You (ANNNND I Know Who Big Poppa Is!)

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy, shit! I think I know who Big Poppa is!!

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't be posting about RHOA every week, and I'm standing by that. *However* I am a mere mortal. And I think you would agree that I can't really be expected to ignore the complete and utter insanity of Tuesday night's ep.

Most importantly, I'm pretty positive that I have solved a mystery that has literally been eating away at the surface of my brain since this show premiered: Who. Is. Big Poppa?

Check it: so you know how Kim is always going on and on about how her bf Big Poppa is a very wealthy "celeb" who can't come out of the closet to show his face on our flatscreens cause he's just too damn important? Well, I just always assumed he was married or some bullshit and didn't want his wife-n-kids to see him fucking some tranny country singer wannabe on national TV.

BUT, now I'm thinking maybe the truth is way, way, juicier than that.

Stick with me here, because I have a theory that is so fucking mind bending, you'd do best to read on cautiously to avoid the possibility of your brain breaking.

I know this sounds kinda crazy, but...

What if Big Poppa was....

[wait for it...]

[wait for it...]

SHEREE!

(OH SNAP!)

That's right motherfuckers! What if "Big Poppa" = Sheree!?

I mean, think about it: have you ever seen such a fucking lovefest in the entirety of trashtacular reality programming? I was practically waiting for Kim to lean over and seductively lick Sheree's face at the dermatologist...and you just *know* she had her hand up Sheree's skirt when they were smoking and drinking in the car. Also if Kim calls Shay Shay "boooo-yooo-teee-fullll" one more time I'm gonna vom right into her nasty cleave. Look, Kim and Sheree obvs have a connection that goes way deeper than besties, and I'm gonna fucking call them on it.

You heard it first peeple: Kim Zolciak is not actually dating a mysterious, rich celebrity named Big Poppa, she's a closet Lez! Who's fucking Sheree!

How ya like me now?

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way there are a few more points I need to make:

1. Guacamole - Ok, obvs we're not dealing with a high level of sophistication here, but Kim acted as if the guac Sheree ordered at Rosa Mexicana during lunch was monkey brains r something. Is GUACAMOLE really that abhorent to you? G-U-A-C-A-M-O-L-E? Your palette can't handle such unusual delicacies? And Kim's comment that the mortar and pestle the waiter used to make the guac was a "rock" and unsanitary...uhm...I guess we now have an official answer to the age old question: how fucking dumb can you be? This dumb, bitches...this dumb.

2. KAT - Really!? You spell cat with a K, Kim? There are no words....none.

3. Singing - I cannot easily describe the deep down dirty whore-endousness of Kim's voice. Watching her sing was painful. Watching Dallas Austin's face as he realized how bad, bad, bad she was was priceless. Watching Kim's face when she heard the playback of the shit that was comin' out of her mouth was awesome. There is not an ounce...not a hint...not the teeniest tiniest drop of talent under that tranny wig. I don't care if you used a NASA powered satellite to scope out some cellular level talent that might be floating around in her bloodstream: bitch has got NOTHING. Also, in answer to your probing question Kim: making sure that your voice is in tune happens to be directly related to ensuring that you don't sound like A DYING FUCKING MOOSE when you sing.

4. Drinking-n-Driving - I do live in NYC, so I don't own a car any more. But from what I can remember, driving while holding a motherfucking glass of motherfucking chablis is not generally considered a good idea, Kimmy. My memory is a little hazy tho.

5. Bounced checks - So, in a non-ep related sidenote, I feel pretty confident in reporting to you that Sheree has a little check bouncing problem. Shockingly, I've uncovered this evidence through the magic of statcounter. See when your sexy asses start clickity click clicking all over my website, I have this handy little stats program that tells me where you live, and how you got to me, and how long you stuck around. I'm able to track search terms that u mofos use to find me, and a very prominent one as of late is "Sheree Whitfield bounced checks." Now, since bitch is waitin on a "seven figure settlement" I'm not too sure why she's writin rubber checks all over town, but based on the number of you out there searchin, I'm pretty sure I can confirm she's doing it.

As for the rest of the action, there really was none. Except that NeNe was talkin trash about pretty much everyone in the city of Atlanta...but honestly I don't give a shit. Like Anderson Cooper, I too am on Team NeNe.

"Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good,"
mi

Down Is Up, Up Is Down, And For One Shining Moment Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn't Act Like A Whiny Fucking Bitch

Dear Everyone, ***

As if the fact that we elected a smart, BLACK, anti-war, elite, Jew scum loving President isn't evidence enough, I'm here to tell you that the whole fuckin world has been turned upside down.

Shit be C-R-A-Z-Y, yo!

I submit the following as direct evidence of the afore mentioned:

1. Steve Guttenberg went jogging naked in Central Park - Ok, maybe this *is* a prank, but even still! And also, I kinda think that this is for reals. Like "the Goot" just got sick and tired of having to adhere to societal standards of wearing shorts on his runs. The wedgies and chafing was just too damn much for him, and he reached his breaking point with this pantsless jog which was, thankfully, caught on tape. He was like that dude on Network or Michael Douglas in that Falling Down movie where he just abandons his car in the middle of rush hour traffic one night. NO SHORTS, world! I jog commando!

2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck spoke...and I didn't want to punch her in her motherfucking face - I'm a big girl, and so I can give props when props R due: Elizabitch, you really did give a lovely concession speech yesterday. And, also I was very touched by the fact that she didn't get her daughter Grace all snaggled up in her web of Republican bullshit when she had a prime opp to do so. I've never seen her act like a non-annoying, non-whiny normal human being before, so it was quite a sight to behold (AND further proof, of course, that the world has gone batshit crazy).

3. I received a "tweet" from my new President - Say what you will about everyone embracing technology, grandmas texting, blah, blah, blah. It's still pretty fucking cool that our new Prez "solid as" Barack Obama had a campaign strategy that included communicating with his supporters via: phone, text, email, Twitter, Facebook, and the regular ole dub dub dub. That's never happened before. Then yesterday, I received the above message on Twitter. I mean, come on! I don't care if the dude had no fucking clue it was happening...and never was like "Srsly, people! We MUST get a tweet out on Twitter NOOOOOW." His ass was smart enough to hire someone on his team who did...and does.

4. Some moron changed his name from Garratt to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined - Yes, I am serious. And no, there are no words.

5. Spaghetti Cat was on Desperate Housewives! - Right, like Edie hangs out on youtube. I mean, I guess some could argue that this isn't exactly batshit crazy, but I'm more amazed by the notion that fucking Spaghetti Cat is now a superstar international celebrity playboy.

And finally, as the ultimate evidence that things are insane in the membrane CRAZY: Michelle Obama, our new first lady and my SYTYCD partner-in-crime, chose to wear THIS dress to her husband's victory speech...in front of the whole fucking world...on election night:

ZOMG.

If that shit doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

This is a new America, people...and I fucking LOVE it!

power to the people,
m.e.

Dear America, *** YES WE CAN! Jus Sayin, Me (We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming)

JUST FUCKING VOTE!!!!

Dear Everyone, ***

This is a really, really, really important day. Like R-E-A-L-L-Y fucking important.

This day is gonna be epic. It's gonna be legendary.

It's gonna be talked about for years and years to come.

Can you hang?

Are you down? Are you gonna step up to the plate?

Or R you gonna sit on the sidelines like some monkey fucker douchetard?

Cause here's the thing: if you don't vote, you can't be a part of it all...you've got no stake...and quite simply: you suck.

It really IS just that cut and dry.

You've got to haul your ass out to the polls today. You have GOTS to vote. You've GOTTA DO IT. No if, ands, or buts motherfuckers.

Here's why:

1. BITCHING - If you don't vote, you can't complain and/or whine like a little fucking bitch. You really wanna give up that privilege?
2. PUSSY - If you vote, you will get laid. Srsly....I'm not kidding. Your ass is gonna be on line for hours...you could pick up some serious fly honey action if you bring your A game. Get some numbers. Work it...its gonna be a target rich environment.
3. HOOKY - Do you like going to work? Didn't fucking think so. If there just "happens" to be "reallllly long lines" at the poll, and your ass shows up late, oh wells!
4. STICKERS - Who wants an "I voted" sticker!? [raises hand].

Also, we live in a democracy, yo. And like it or not, this shit is important.

AND, if we have any hope of getting Barack Obama elected...turning this country around...and getting our asses back on the yellow brick road, it's even more important than ever.

YOU.

MUST.

BARACK.

THE.

VOTE.

Some tips:

*If you live in New York state and are unsure where you need to go to vote, look yourself up here on the Board of Elections site. I'm voting early tomorrow morn at P.S. 321 in Park Slope, Brooklyn. See you there, motherfuckers!

*If you live in any other part of the country, check out Google's handy dandy polling map which will fill you in on who, what, where and when (today, bias!) you can go to Rock the vote.

*While you are Baracking, you should video your election day experience and post it on Video Your Vote's youtube page.

*The NY Times is asking you to post pics of yourself at your polling place and take part in "the largest online archive of election photographs taken by citizens across the U.S."

*NY Mag is looking for personal photos and/or self portraits documenting your election day experiences. Send pics with caption info by 4pm tomorrow to: election@nymag.com.

*Do you Twitter? (I do). If so, "tweet" your election day experience with the #votereport hashtag so that others can follow.

*Leave a comment here, yo! Tell me about what went down...the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanna hear allll the juicy lowdown.

*After you vote, there are loads of fab places you could go hang out on election night to watch the results. I'll probs be too damn nervous to go to any of em.

So, in summary: VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

kthxbye,
me.

The Hills S4: 13 - You Didn't Srsly Think I Was Going To Do A Fucking Post About The Hills On Election Day, Did You??

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I'm sorry but I really need to put my foot down.

Obvs, I know that I write a blog about celebs...and reality TV stars...and people whose existence on our planet is wholly unimportant to the day-to-day operations of our society as a whole.

I consider myself kinda smart, so I get that 99% of the shit I talk about here is unimportant in the grand scheme of things...and I'm pretty OK with that. I write DFA because I'm entertained by all of these people...and for some bizarro reason care about the comings and goings of their lives. You probably do too, or you would have already clicked your ass off to some other motherfuckin blog already.

However...on the morn of one of the most important fucking elections in our nation's history, even I have to draw a line. And I'm drawing it right fucking here: I simply c-a-n-n-o-t do a recap of The Hills. I CAN'T.

YES WE CAN! (no I can't).

I'm sorry (I really am) for the very, very few of you who actually give a shit about my Tuesday morn Hills recaps.

If Obama is, indeed, elected, I promise to catch up and post it sometime soon. I have a Tivo...I can make it happen.

If Obama is NOT elected, then I make no promises. I will likely be packing...and moving...and slitting my wrists-n-whatnot. I will be v. busy watching our nation unravel at the seams and with all the hellfire and damnation, I'm not sure I can comfortably promise to parse any more Spencer/Heidi convos or unravel yet another pathetic Audy/JustinBobby moment.

And yet, I acknowledge that I do feel responsible to all seventeen of you mofos who actually show your ass up here every day.

So let us leave it here:
*President Obama = DFA is all good in the hood and Hills recaps will begin again immediately; *President McCain = It's *really* been so nice getting to know you all! Peace, out, motherfuckers!

America, I leave it up to you.

let freedom ring,
me

Me-N-CNN, TLF? Everything Is Very Up In The Air Right Now, Unfortch

Dear CNN,***

I'm a fucking wreck.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm gonna have a goddammed heart attack. Like, I *literally* feel the muscles around my heart have tightened up, and my pulse is racing for no reason whatsoever, and I'm breathing heavily-n-shit...aside from all that election dramz, I'm freaking out about you and me.

Like what's gonna happen to us on Weds? Is there even gonna be an "us" on Weds?

For months now, you and me have been going steady. Sure, you courted me with Anderson Cooper at first, but that was really just the beginning. Campbell Brown gave me her varsity sweater, and David Gergen....don't even get me started about David Gergen. In my deepest, darkest moments, its David Gergen's voice that brings me comfort and solace, dear lord our gawd.

Over the last month, espesh, you and I have been srsly hot-n-heavy. I mean, you're the first thing I think about when I wake up (hello, American Morning!) and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (what up, Larry King!). I have dreams about you (Campbell Brown and Lou Dobbs at the dentist...don't ask) and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go watch the election returns at a bar on Tues night, my first response was "what if they're not watching CNN!? We can't risk it!"

I didn't mind at all when John King (your electoral map guy) said he wasn't so good at math, and I don't even give a shit that Roland Martin always looks like he smoked a spliff in the green room before his pundit appearances (High Times, my brotha!). And "Wolf Blitzer?"... its just so much fucking fun to say: BLITZERBLITZERBLITZER.

You ARE the best political team on television, yo!

I know, (just *KNOW*) that the both of us are sitting around waiting/hoping/praying/crossing our fingers that Obama brings it on Tues, (YES WE CAN!), but what then?? I mean, sure our nation will finally be free of a Republican/Bush stranglehold, may actually get out of this financial crisis, be poised to end the war in Iraq and will be working toward getting every man, woman and child healthcare insurance, but WHAT ABOUT U-N-ME????

Am I goin straight back to Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Hills and Rock of Love: Charm School?? Do I have to give Campbell brown back her cardigan?? Will Anderson Cooper's foxy, silver coiff stop showing up on my flatscreen? Are we just done?

Are you even thinking about this stuff too???

Le sigh.

I don't know, this stuff is uncomfortable to talk about, sure, but I thought it was important to get it out on the table. I mean, if we have any hope of saving this relationship, we need to keep our communication open and honest. And we do have something to fight for here, right?.

Also, uhm...

There is something else we need to talk about. I feel awkward about bringing this up on my blog, but I wasn't sure until this weekend and didn't want to worry you, but....I'm pregnant. And its yours, CNN.

Oopsie!

Call,
m.e.