Dear Everyone***: There's Literally Nothing Going On Aside From The Election, And I Could Have Done Some Lame Post, But Here's Some Tribe Instead

A Tribe Called Quest |MTV Music

If I owned a car (which I don't...NYC motherfuckers), I'd so be rollin down the windows and blasting this Tribe song (Award Tour) on Weds after President Obama is all offish-n-shit. Can I get a what what??

TGIF,
m.e.

I'm Voting For Obama (Obvs); How The Fuck Could Anyone *Not*??

Dear Republicans,*?

Despite my need to inject snark into every crevice of my life ad nauseum, I generally consider myself to be a fairly open-minded, free thinking mofo.

I *am* a hardcore Dem, yes, however, if you are not and attempt to have a level headed, non yellfest convo with me about why, I would totally listen.

I know why the caged bird sings, blah, blah, blah.

Despite all this, I still have a major disconnect though: like, how on EARTH could anyone (man, woman, or child), have watched this Obama-mercial last night and still be planning to vote for John McCain?

I mean, really?? Like for really realz?

*Do you have an empty space in the cavity in your chest where your beating heart should be?
*Are you high?
*Do you have a trust fund and just not really give a shit about anything else?

If the answers to any of the above questions are yes, then I t-o-t-a-l-l-y get it. No need for explanation.

If not, I'm sorry...I'm just very fucking confused.

Having said that, I want any of you red mofos who might be furiously composing your comment response to me right now to just relax. Save it for the Fox News boards or the Sean Hannity blog. Cause right now, this shit so isn't even about you.

It's about hope, and change, and inspiration...and getting our country back on track after 8 years of the largest, organized full-scale shit show we've ever been witness to. And, honestly, I simply cannot handle any more narrow minded lameness...or bullshit talk about terrorist bff connections...or insinuations that I'm not a *real* fucking American cause I've never gone cow tipping or stolen my dad's tractor.

Cause I'm really starting to believe that this IS gonna go down. Like that we're all gonna be sayin: "President Obama" this and "President Obama" that on Wednesday. And that makes me so fucking happy I'm literally tearing up jus thinking about it.

I'm so insanely, totally, and completely excited to wake up early next Tuesday and cast my vote for Barack Obama. I'm so incredibly fucking lucky to live in a country where I get to do this (and the motherfucker actually counts!), and grateful to be part of such an historic event. And I'm so busting at the seams hopeful that this is all gonna be the beginning of something much much bigger than we all even know right now.

Yay America!

Jus sayin,
m.e.

If Obama Is Selling Something During His Infomercial Tonight That's $49.95 Or Less, I'm Buying One

Dear Everyone, ***

As long as we're oversharing, here's another juicy bit about me: I el oh vee ee LOVE infomercials.

If you have something to sell me, all you need to do is show me your infomercial and I will immediately dump the contents of my wallet into your piggy bank, no questions asked.

I don't really ever cook, and yet I'm *still* fascinated by that pancake puff pan. I'm dying to buy that Fluidity exercise system thingy, and I'm totally buying (like right now I'm off to order it) those WEN by Chaz Dean haircare products.

Also, I bought a Magic Bullet a couple of years ago and it totally rocked my world.

I am a true believer.

Anyway, I already drank Obama's Kool-Aid long ago, but I'm totes excited to see his little "closing argument" infomercial tonight at 8pm on every network except for ABC. I have no clue what this half hour Obamafest will be like, but I'll have my credit card out in the hopes that operators will be standing by.

Best of all, you can catch the Obaminator afterwards on The Daily Show.

as seen on TV,
me.

Would You Think Any Less Of Me If I Admitted To REALLY Fucking Loving PM Dawn??

P.M. Dawn |MTV Music

Dear Everyone, ***

I've spent the better part of the past 48 hours deep in the heart of MTV's newest site: MTVMusic.com.

If you've yet to check this out:

a. what is your fucking problem?
b. you are so *not* cutting edge
c. do it now, or I'll never speak to you again

As far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing to happen to me since marijuana Sarah Palin joined the Republican ticket. MTVM is comprised of most every single worthwhile music video to ever run across your flatscreen in like the history of ever. Most shockingly, the site is beautiful AND easy to use.

There are videos here that literally take me back to Gulf Middle school in Cape Coral, Florida circa 1985 and, quite frankly, I've never had much of a desire to return to that time and/or place. But something about Arrested Development's Tennessee, for ex., manages to bring me back with a hazy, only midly melancholy edge that *almost* allows me to forget the tragic, daily hellishness that was my middle school experience.

But nothing, and I repeat NOTHING on this tasty little morsel of MTV dub dub dub takes me back faster than this PM Dawn jam. I was positive that this song would have major implications on the successful outcome of my life. I was sure I would lose my virginity to it...and that boys would one day be making me mix-tapes on which this song would be included. I think I even fantasized about this song being played at my wedding, though under what circumstance I am unsure (last dance of the night?).

As such, I took the release of this video VERY fucking seriously. I made it my mission to sit my ass in front of the TV as much as humanly possible in the hopes that I would be lucky enough to be staring upwards at the very moment MTV would make all my fuckin dreams come true by playing (just one more time, please!!) "Set Adrift On Memory Bliss" just for me.

Despite the fact that I watched this vid again and again, I loved this song so much I didn't even think PM Dawn's outfits were the least bit retarded. And though I had no clue what a "neutron fan" was, I wanted to be one. Badly.

In my crazy, fucked up fourteen-year-old mind, this song "completed me," in a way I had never been completed before.

The fact that I loved this song so much, I thought, reflected on the sort of person I was in the world...and that person was way more fucking cool than I was.

Le sigh.

As if confessing all this shit online in front of thousands hundreds tens of strangers wasn't embarrassing enough, here's the kicker: I STILL LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG. Like totally, madly, deeply love it.

And, honestly: it's still completely fucking relevant! Christina Applegate happens to have another hit show right now (Samantha Who?), and its actually v. friggin good.

I'm literally sitting here playing this vid for like the 17th time today.

(Holy. DFA. Overshare)

"that's the way it goes...I guess"
me

The Hills S4: 12 - JustinBobby Has Planted A Chip In Audrina's Brain And Is Now Controlling Her Every Thought And Action With A Switch On His Bike

Dear Everyone, ***

This week's ep was sponsored by Brandy (did you buy her new album yet?) and the words "disappointment," and "retarded."

And, LO was back!

Of course no one mentioned that she's been MIA, and who knows if we'll ever see her again, but bitch made an appearance at Crown Bar and, I for one, was happy to see that she wasn't dead.

These rumors that LC is peacing out after this season are hella inneresting, b/c she's srsly been fading into the background quite a bit over the last few weeks. She barely had any face time this week at all and, honestly, I didn't even notice.

The big news, of course, is that Audrina and JustinBobby are together again. In order to win back her affections, JB gave one of the most touching, romantic speeches I've ever seen come across a dude's lips. Just thinking about it gets me all misty eyed.

I've transcribed it here for your viewing pleasure (NOTE: Audrina's responses have been redacted, because obvs they don't fucking matter at all):

Hi

How's it goin?

I've been thinkin about some of the things that happened in Cabo.

I didn't wanna be that guy...you know what I mean?

I think we have something special. I just think that to be in a relationship, you've kinda gotta be together?

We're a big catch 22.

90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.

I will pretty much always be there for you.

I want you to be with me

(cue make up sex).

I hope any boys who might be reading this right now are TOTALLY taking notes. In fact, you might just want to print this post out so you can use some of JustinBobby's moves on your own fly honey.

She Pratt paraded her new BF Cameron out in front of the gang, and was crushed when the dude didn't "take Brody aside" to read him the riot act for making her cry once 4 eps ago. Later on at lunch, Spencer and Heidi pointed out to Steph that this was actually a really great reason to break up with his ass and get back on track to being miserable just like they are.

I'm gonna go way out on a limb, bias and predict the action for next week (and this is after my Tivo cut off the last few mins of the ep, so I did not see a preview):
*JustinBobby and Audrina start having problems (again, again, again, again)
*She Pratt breaks up with Cameron
*LC and Brody flirt
*Spencer acts like a douche (Heidi doesn't notice)

Hey, that's kind of an interesting idea...maybe I'll recap the ep next week WITHOUT watching and see how close I am! (read: this is how fucking bored I am).

the rest is still unwritten,
me

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Sooo Needs To get Her Narrow White Ass Off My Flatscreen

Dear Everyone, ***

I double dawg dare you to watch this entire youtube vid of Elisibitch Hasselbeck introducing Governor Palin at a rally in Florida this weekend.

Watch the whole thing from start to finish, and if afterwards you don't feel like:

*kicking a puppy
*burning a flag
*getting an abortion just for the hell of it
*and/or all of the above

...Then I'm not a smart-ass, Jew, know-it all liberal elite (hint: I so fuckin am).

See, I jus can't help bein sassy neether, Elisabeth.

Anyone know the best way to clean vomit off your LCD?,
me

SYTYCD Is Reaching Across the Aisle and Bringin the Reps and Dems Together!

Dear Everyone, ***

I offer up an emphatic "TOLD YOU SO" to all you motherfuckers out there who have ever doubted my unwavering and deeply rooted dedication to So You Think You Can Dance. This shit is relevant, people! And it's bringing us all together!

Consider the following as proof:

1. Amy Strozzi, Sarah Palin's traveling stylist is a make-up artist for SYTYCD! She's probs powder puffed Joshua! And Will! And Maybe even Cat Deeley. Anyway. This chick was paid $22,800 for the first two weeks in October to help the governor get her pretty on. This was twice as much money as McCain's foreign policy advisor was paid. Rad!

2. Michelle Obama revealed in a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer that her favorite show is....

Wait for it....

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

[insert Mary Murphy rape scream here]

Therefore, with these recent developments, I think it would be totally fucking impossible to deny that SYTYCD is now playing a significant and substantial role in shaping the policies of our great nation.

Jus sayin,
me.

Sarah Palin Spent $150,000 On Her New Wardrobe And All I Gots Was This Stinkin T-Shirt!?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

I'm a girl, so obvs I love to get my shop on. But like, I've srsly got nothing on you.

You're a true inspiration.

I had no fucking clue that hockey moms were such fashionistas, but when your seven year old daughter is sportin a Louie Vu, I guess its safe to assume you know the difference between Spanx and Donna Karran body shapers. Color me red, white-n-blue with shock, awe and surprise.

$150,000 on clothes in one month is truly impressive!

Here's the thing, though: I don't even really give a shit that you spent all that money. In fact, I think most of the peeps that sent the RNC donations were total dickwads anyway, so it doesn't bother me one little panty lick to think of all their hard earned money getting pissed away at Saks and Neiman Marcus on a shiny, new wardrobe pour vous.

I think its pretty awesome.

What DOES bother me, however, (and bothers me a whole fuckin lot) is that you spent $150,000 benjis...on, presumably, designer clothes, and you still ended up looking like this:


Suze Orman has better jackets than that shit.

Obvies, whomever was heading up your Extreme Makeover efforts fucked this whole thing up big time, and it had nothing to do with the fact that $150k was spent.

I've decided to, yet again, solve the world's problems and take matters into my own hands.

Following, I present you with one week's worth of wardrobe suggestions. Basically, this is what you SHOULD have done with all of your money in order to look like the ultimate fighting champ, VP wannabe (all clothes are from Neiman Marcus and/or Saks):

MONDAY
Tahari Houndstooth skirtsuit ($598)
This look is totally chic, yet also commanding. Like, yeah, I'm a woman! So what! Fuck you! Just because I get my period, it doesn't mean I'm gonna show up on the Senate floor acting all wishy washy, boo hoo, sweetie, baby, cookie, honey. That's right: I rock the decolletage just like I rock those Al Qaeda fuckers!

TUESDAY
Dior Belted Virgin Wool Jacket ($1999)

This one is all about the glam factor. As much as I hate your ass, I think this Dior number would be particularly gorge on you. You'd look so hot in this, desperate Republicans would start bringing up Jackie O comparisons, and then Keith Olbermann could put you on his Worst Person List for daring to smear the name of a Kennedy by trying to channel her style, and Rachel Maddow would sneer and look all disappointed that someone like you was ever born, but you wouldn't care b/c you'd still be killin it in this.

WEDNESDAY
Theory Tailor Suit ($535)

Here's your DO NOT FUCK WITH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES look. Throw this puppy on, look into the mirror and repeat after me "I am fierce. I am fabulous. I will NOT be fucking stuck in Alaska for the rest of my life." You could wear this suit, walk right up to Christopher Buckley and be all "you wanna bet on Black, motherfucker! Bet on this!" (Oh Snap!)

THURSDAY
Magaschoni Suit ($872)

We flying the first class

Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

FRIDAY
Anne Klein Puckered Shirtdress (on sale!: $296)

Of course you can bring home the bacon! Of course you can fry it up in a pan! Obvies you can even shoot a motherhumpin moose with a semi-automatic weapon from a helicopter, fuck your husband on a snow mobile, read a book to your special needs baby, AND still have time to take your teenaged daughter Bristol for her pre-natal care appointments. You are today's modern day woman!

TOTAL = $4300

Let's bump that shit up to $5k for good measure, multiply by it four, and that's still only $20k for one month's worth of duds.

Dignity = T-O-T-A-L-L-Y in tact (priceless).

I could have saved the motherfucking Republicans $130,000, yo!

You could have used all that extra money to buy a lot of these:


And then killed a lot of these:


Oh well.

Mo money, mo problems,
me

Here's Some Advice Miss Teen Louisiana USA: In The Game Of Life, Choose 'Smart' Over 'Pretty'

Dear Everyone, ***

There is a very well known, universally accepted maxim at work in the world, and whether you talk about it or not, I'm here to tell you that its totally fucking true. Here it is: you can be smart, or you can be pretty, but you CANNOT be both.

That's right. It's smart OR pretty...one or the other.

I don't make up the fuckin rules here people...I'm just the messenger.

Now, of course not everyone who's smart is ugly and not everyone's who's dumb is pretty, however, you are primarily known in the world as one or the other...like, overwhelmingly so.

This means that if I walked my ass out to Times Square right now, forced 100 random people into a little room and marched myself in there to stand there and talk to the good folks for 5 mins, after I walked away, 98 of those motherfuckers would be sayin' "there goes that smart girl."

This fact was kind of an upsetting blow for the teenaged me who was really just hoping to get banged by a football player, but now it's alll good in the hood. Really. I swear.

Sure, I can get dolled up and slap on the sex every once in awhile, but that still doesn't change the fact that 9 out of 10 sons of bitches know me out in the world as the "smart" girl.

Anyway.

You know who's NOT known out in the world as a smart girl?: Miss Teen Louisiana USA, Lindsay Evans. Lindsay, is pretty much your card carrying pretty girl.

Check this shit out: Linds goes out to grab a bite with her bitches at her local "full service, family oriented" Mexican restaurant, Posados Cafe. I imagine a delicious, salsa infused meal was had by all, but homegirl decides to chip out on her chalupa and "dine and dash" (who the fuck uses that phrase, by the way?? I mean, I realize that I just did, but I'm just doing it b/c everyone else is. Only this is the first time I've heard that in my entire life. Oh yeah...smart girls don't dine-n-dash).

It gets way better, tho, bias.

Not only does this pageant weasel skip out on the check like some hooligan, bitch leaves her purse sitting in her greasy ass booth....WITH A BAG OF MOTHERFUCKING WEED IN IT (Oh, Snap!). And her ID, lip gloss, a bible, a McCain/Palin button and a tube of anal lube. Actually, not sure about the lip gloss.

Her bill was $46.07

Needless to say, Miss Louisiana Teen USA had her title stripped toute de suite as soon as the proper authorities got wind of her shenanigans. Oh yeah, and they stomped on her crown and arrested too for drug possession too.

Pretty girl had to go fuck AWL her own shit up by acting like a complete and total douchetron in front of everyone on the planet.

Le sigh.

As we all know from watching the Spears clan, there are not exactly opportunities a plenty for girls growin up in Loose-i-ana. But this shit was almost as stupid as that guy who tried to cash a check for $360 billion dollars.

Take some advice from a smart girl, my pretties: check yo self before you wreck yourself (and never, I repeat NEVER leave a bag of weed unattended).

stupid is as stupid does,
m.e.

Tom Cruise-N-Katie Holmes: Ditch The Garanimals, MMM Kay?

Dear Tom & Katie, *

I normally never do fashion focused posts because there are tons of other blogs out there on the interwebs that are way better suited to discuss this sort of thing that I am, but I can no longer sit idly by biting my tongue about you two bitches.

You're both in NYC right now for Katie's show All My Sons. And I'M in NYC, and true I'm probs seeing way more pics of you than I normally would, but now you two got me all curious so I started googling.

OMFG.

Let's break this shit down:

1. Matching Fucking Outfits!? - Ok, look: if you have little baby twins or trips or something and you want to put them in little matching outfits, that's kinda cute. Or if its Halloween and you l00zers want to match it up with coordinating and/or matching outfits, more power to you....but at a cocktail party at the Hermes store!? You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. This makes me want to go take a power vomit. Couples don't wear matching outfits. Espesh if you're a mega rich, superstar celeb couple on a quest to prove to everyone that a. You actually are real couple; b. Your life is not ruled and carefully planned out by a team of manipulative Scientologists plotting to take over the world; or c. You're not gay.

I mean, this shit is Celeb 101 here. I've only got a fucking blog that's about celebrities and I know this!

Some friendly advice: this is sooo not cute; This is sooo not cool; This is so not something you should EVER do again.

Oh wait:
2. Taking Chances - Stepping out of your comfort zone every once in awhile to take a chance on a new look or a new designer is something I applaud. It's during these moments that we often feel we get a true look into the moods, likes, and dislikes of all you crazy celeb kids. Here's the rub: this can either work out swimmingly and result in something like this:

OR, this can result in a FAIL of epic proportions. The sort of FAIL that will become legendary...that people will talk about for years and years and years. i.e. something like this:

Tom, you obvies have no fucking clue what you're doing in the world of fashion, so I'm not even going to bother with you. But, Katie...you were actually on quite the high fashion kick for awhile back there. You were looking glam, and fab...and now its all gone to shit. I guess your fashion prowess was all due to your BFF sitch with Posh, and now that that's over, so are you?

3. Eh, Fuck it -

See that was really all I had to say about you two (I told you there was a reason I don't do fashion posts).

Anyway, pull your shit together. It's getting embarrassing already.
kthxbye,
me.

The Hills S4: 11 - The Fall Of JustinBobby? (Yeah, Right)

Dear Everyone, ***

Honestly, I can't concentrate on a goddamn Hills related thing until someone can tell me where the fuck Lo is!? It's been like three weeks with ZERO mention of LO, and this shit is srsly pissing me off now!

Are you OK, LO? Do you need help? Money? WTF?? You missed a trip to Cabo!

In other sad news, I guess I just need to accept the fact that Audrina-n-JustinBobby are the Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love of The Hills, and be done with it (*yes I realize that I could make some sort of sick and twisted joke here, but even I don't have the strength). Also, when the hell did JB become friends with the Frankie and Brody and the gang? Like, I don't understand how his ass got invited to Cabo when Audy didn't want him there. Though I also don't understand why Audy didn't want him there since last week she was all taking off her bikini top in the pool, ignoring Corey and generally just being all "i'm in love with JB again-n-shit."

So, yeah...everyone went to Cabo for Brody's birthday. At last count I think 9 out of the 11 eps this season took place around someone's motherfuckin' birthday, so way to stay on point MTVers. And happy birthday, bra.

I was sooo waiting for that moment when Brody, et al were walking down the beach only to run into Spencer & Heidi who'd be all "Hey! What are you guys doing here! How funny that we just happened to end up in Cabo on the same weekend!," but as it turned out Speidi had bigger fish to fry in the the land of la.

Seems She Pratt is all cuddly and snuggly with her new BF Cameron and thought it would be a good idea to introduce this new dude to Spence-n-Heids. Raise your hand if you think that was a good idea...

(................)

Right.

Surprise surprise: Spence acted like a dick; Cameron hated him; and She Pratt was embarrassed.

Back down in Meh-he-ko, JustinBobby got all jel of Audrina in one of his usual "I don't give a shit about you until you start getting interested in someone else" emotional predator moments. He was playing all sorts of mind games with Dreens and bitch was crumbling faster than a house of cards. You could actually look at her face and almost see the tornado of confusion brewing in her sad, little brain over all this JustinBobbyness.

Thank gawd she had LC to talk her down from the ledge, but ZOMG, looks like next week she might be right back in JustinBobaritoville! Can you believe it!?

Yeah, me neether.

I really can't believe it at all.

the rest is still unwritten,
me

P.S. WHERE IS LO, MOTHERFUCKERS! If anoyone tracks down her whereabouts, please let me know immieds...

Thanks For Reminding My Husband What NOT To Do, Balthazar Getty (Lesson #3: FUBAR)

Dear My Husband, ***

On the special occasion of our second wedding anniversary I thought we could, yet again, revisit the wonderfully illustrative, ever blossoming romance between Billionaire douchetard Balthazar Getty and that whiny little slut of a harpie, Sienna Miller.

These two home wreckers swapped spit over the weekend on their "reunited and it feels so good" tour in Positano, Italy (Remember when WE were in Positano! For our Honeymoon!? And I was all: "OMGZ, I sooo want to move here." And you were all: " fuck dat noise").

Anyway.

These two bitches are apparently still TLF and want us all to get a good hard look at them playing kissy face (including Balty's poor, jilted wife, and his FOUR fucking children).

Well, la ti da.

Those two look like they're having a rip roaring time...true. But we're looking for the lesson in all this, and the lesson is thus:

Don't. Ever. Cheat.

The ONLY reason that Balz is getting away with this shit, is because he's a billionaire....and must be dispatching ocean liners full of cash to his wife's doorstep.

We brought our own snacks to the movies last weekend...you do the math.

So, you jus keep doin what you're doin and we'll be good in the hood. But you know that already, cuz you rule.

Happy Anniversary!

Nakomis 4 eva,
me

WHOA: Britney Spears' New Website Doesn't Suck!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

Congrats on the relaunch of your shiny, new website!

There's a certain symmetry here, right? New single, new bod, (new meds?) and new website.

Loves it!

So, I was krumping around on there and happened across your new blog! Of course, that's where I found some of the juiciest bits of Britney flavored Brit-tasticness I ever did see (i.e. the vid above).

I must confess: Tyler and Suzanne Foehr were so delightful, I'm semi-inspired to record my own "choreographed" routine for Womanizer, however:
*I'm not quite sure I gots the skillz to pay the billz
*I still have an eensy bit of dignity and self respect left

Anyway.

Aside from Tyler and Suzanne's dance-a-thon, my fave entry so far was the vid of you waving to the teenyboppers on the celebrity bus tour. Totally adorbs.

It's like official now: Britney's back, bitches.

Looking forward to way more delish Brit bits.

2 Legit 2 Quit,
me

Sarah Palin On SNL: 'Shoot A Motherhumpin Moose,' Indeed

Dear Sarah Palin, *

So, after months of your ass getting made fun of (brilliantly!) by Mizz Tina Fey, you finally decided to show your face up on SNL this weekend.

Your first bit was mostly stupid. Shockingly, you had like zero interaction with Tina Fey and just wasted most of your time with Alec "I'm a douchetard and I can't help myself" Baldwin.

Your second bit was insanely hysterical, however, it was mostly because Amy Poehler fucking RULEZ and did a hilarious rap about you. She was making fun of you the ENTIRE time. Like in a really, embarrassing, obvious, kind of way. Though I enjoyed watching you bopping along in your chair dance, I was also kind of blown away too. Like, I couldn't shake the feeling that despite everything, you didn't *quite* get it all.

Anyway.

For an elite, Jewish, smart-ass, city slicker like me, it was DEE-FUCKING-LICIOUS. So, thanks.

Rough weekend for you chumps though, right?
*100,000 showed up to Obama's rally in St. Louis
*$150 million raised in Sept
*Colin Fucking Powell endorsed Barry

I'm sure you guys are still fine tho.
(wink, wink),
me.

John McCain + David Letterman = Nobody Got Punched (Unfortch)

Dear Everyone, ***

The McCainiac showed up on Dave Letterman last night, and it was hella entertaining.

Dave actually asked the dude some tough questions...particularly regarding Sarah Palin (who Dave thinks would have trouble leading a Little League team to victory, much less the country) . I love how their go to line in response to this is ALWAYS "she energizes the peeeeple!" Though, I guess when you think about it, its totally true! She's energized my ass...to donate a couple hundred bucks to Obama's campaign, write a whole slew of blog posts, and to get into fights with perfect strangers on the subway platform. Wow, I never realized it until now, but I've got Sarah Palin Feva!

Thanks for all the energy!

They covered William Ayers, of course, at which point Dave had the cojones to bring up McCain's associations with G. Gordon Liddy...you know, the v. honorable dude who masterminded Watergate and brought shame to our entire nation?

Also McCain gave us a whole lotta show stopping non-verbals that some mofo will, no doubt, mash up together today.

He also said that Sarah Palin was goin' onto SNL.

Oh, and that he knows exactly where Osama Bin Laden is after reading some published reports, and "looking at the area," so he'll just go right in and get him as soon as he's in office.

That's when I vom'd in my mouth, so I had tune out.

TGIF,
me

Joe The Plumber To Star In A Porn; Joe Sixpack Takes His Own Life

Dear Joe the Plumber, ***

Dude.

I SRSLY hope you got laid last night (the ass licking you got from our least favorite crabby, bitter, cranky, cross, dour, glum, grouchy, huffy, irritable, surly, testy presidential candidate, John McCain during the debate doesn't count, yo).

If not, you need to get your keester over to Hooters toute de suite so you can start breaking down your options. You're in for one hell of a pussy parade.

Have fun!

Also, can you be a dove and send me the name of your publicist? That bitch deserves to have a monument erected in her honor. Your ass got talked about more than: N. Korea, Iraq, earmarks, the economy, healthcare OR global warming.

I love America!,
me
(Obama 08')

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Rapes And Pillages My Brain

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I def can't handle a weekly recap of this shit (at least I don't think), but at the same time, I simply cannot leave this entirely alone NeNe neether.

Let's have a little chat about Real Housewives of Atlanta, shall we?

a. I tole you this shit was whack!
b. These bias make the RHONYC look like elementary school librarians
c. How the fuck does someone who has no job (Sha-RAYYY) have a publicist!? For realzy?

After only two eps, these women present such a wealth of material, this almost feels unfair. Though, after the near miss of a Cops worthy parking lot shout-a-thon last week, I was slightly disappointed that the action was dialed down to like an 8 this week.

And actually, WTF is up with that? I was most disappointed with, you NeNe. In seven days, bitch has like grown as a person-n-shit?! I was hoping that you would show up to Brielle's birthday party with a broken bottle and some warrior make-up on. Don't you think that Sheree needs to be punished after that bullshit birthday party guest list sitch last week? I mean, I can't think of a better place to work this sort of thing out than at a 11-year-olds birthday party.

Sheet.

Speaking of, I was also endlessly amused by the fact that Kim felt as if her ridiculously spoiled/coddled/pampered future slut of a daughter wasn't "appreciative" enough of all of the over-the-top birthday antics she was undertaking on her behalf. This must have been particularly surprising to Kim who employs such nurturing parenting techniques within the following helpful phrases: "I'm very materialistic...it makes me feel good to have name brands...I don't want anything else. I can die tomorrow, but I'm gonna die wearing Dior." (page 72. Dr. Spock's Baby & Childare Guide to parenting).

Guess what Brielle got for her eleventh bday? A Louis Vuitton purse (though I guess that's slightly better than a Louis Vuitton cake).

Though she disappointed in her overall dramz-per-minute (DPM) quotient for the night, NeNe still came out on top with the best quote of the ep (regarding her and Sheree's make-up convo pre Brielle bday party): "She didn't say she was sorry. She said 'I apologize.' She didn't say 'I was sorry."

WHAT!?

You have GOTZ to be fucking kidding me NeNe!? Sheree said "I apologize" n-stead of "I'm sorry!?"

!?

[Lulz].

Loves it.

Also, is it me, or does Kim look exactly like the chick muppet who was in the band on The Muppets Show!? This one:


Right!?

Her weave is so bad, I can actually hear Brit Brit snickering all the way from the land of la everytime Kim comes across my flatscreen.

Sheree is clearly the worst of them all, and I'll tell you why: its not that she's a materialistic self-entitled bitch, its that she's a materialistic self-entitled bitch who bores my nards off every time she comes on the TV. I'd rather watch DeShawn than watch Sheree, and DeShawn is just about as entertaining as the dusty chex mix I just found underneath my couch.

Lisa Wu Hartwell is not even remotely adorbs...and I think just got recruited by the Dallas Cowboys.

Anyway.

I'm lovin the dramz.

You guys watchin??

south by southwest,
me

The Last Presidential Debate Drops 2 Nite, Yo

Dear Everyone, ***

Are you watching the last Presidential debate tonight??

I hope so, bias...cuz its gonna be good.

I might be a little late to the races, so live twittering is up in the airz, but you can manage without me, riight?

tune in or tune out,
me

p.s. John McCain is not going to be "whipping" anyone's "you know what"...except for maybe his own.

Woot! Serena Williams' Ass Is Bigger Than Mine!

Dear My Fat Ass, *

This is like a really, really, really big fat ass day for you. BIG.

Never before in the history of the universe, have I looked at a pic of a celeb in a bikini and felt anything but deep hatred and disgust for myself. NEVER.

Never have I stared at celeb bikini pics for more than 5 minutes at at time without feeling like everything in the world was fucking hopeless and that we're all I'm just doomed to live a life of misery and fatness. NEVER.

Normally, I see pics of celebs in bikinis and I feel compelled to take their little itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini bathing suit strings and use them to tie them up to a lamp post while I force feed them Cheez Doodles and (gasp!) full fat ice cream.

I hate those motherfucking bikini brigade bitches. Every last one of em.

That is...until now.

Because these pics of Serena Williams in a bikini...with more junk in her trunk than even minez could handle...have fucking changed everything for me.

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

[i.e. There is hope for me! I matter! I AM someone after all!]

So really, I think there is only one thing left to say:

THANK YOU SERENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will truly be the gift that keeps on giving.

And, its not even my fucking birthday.

halleleujah, praise Jaysus,
me.

(WAIT...there's way more where this came from! Read More DFA right HERE)

Levi Johnston Isn't Registered To Vote; There Really IS Symmetry In The Universe

Dear Levi Johnston, **

In this whole ass rape of a shituation you got yourself into: 18 year old GF Bristol Palin preggo, dropped out of H.S., no real future to speak of, drug/partying issues, etc, there is ONE great thing to look forward to, right!?

I mean, how cool is it that you'll get to cast your very first vote as an "adult" in a presidential election for your new mamz-in-law (and our next wannabe Veep), Sarah Palin!

Cuil!

Oh...cept you didn't register to vote.

HAHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHA. HA.

[Loves it]

stupid is as stupid does,
me

p.s. This was my other fave quote of yours from your recent inter-ma-view. Your thoughts regarding getting involved with McPalin: At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, "Whatever."

Whatever, indeed.

The Hills, S4: 10 - If Anyone Knows Of Like A 12-Step Program Or Something To Help Me Beat This Show, That Would Rock (Q: Who's NOT Kidding? A: Me)

Dear Everyone, ***

You know that friend you have? The one who is just always fucking stuff up for herself with guys no matter what? The minute something starts to go well: boom! She atom bombs it up?

Well, may I present to you: Audrina (former BFF of LC, current BFF of no one...particularly herself).

Also today's word of the day: SWIMMING POOL.

Here, I'll our use our new word in a sentence: "By the end of last night's episode of The Hills, it was really fucking irking me that every scene in last night's show was taking place in or around a swimming pool. I get it, MTV. These kids are rich and have lots of money and have nothing better to do than lounge around pools all the live long day. We're both on the same fucking page here, so drop it."

Moving on.

Surprise, surprise! In last night's ep of The Hills, Audrina's gone and wrecked herself before she's checked herself. The bitch's drug of choice?: JustinBobarito.

We've already established that Audrina is hot as shit, but man does she have some guy issues. And we're not talking your average, everyday run-of-the-mill self confidence sort of normal girl fare...this is way, way deeper.

Like, have you ever stepped on a piece of gum and then not noticed till you got home? And by then the gum is so disgusting on the bottom of your shoe, you're even a little wary to touch it with a paper towel to try to get it off?

Audrina = that gum.

She spent the entirety of the ep with this cute Australian dude named Corey who was sweet, and smiley and seemed to really dig her. They went on dates and went to a Malibu funhouse pool party and he even got an invite to Cabo cause "the gang" was lovin on him so much.

Audrina talked about how things with JustinBobby were going nowhere, and she was moving on, and done with all his bullshit and sooo happy to have run into Corey again and be with some guy who cared more about her than the lint in his pocket.

So, in order to celebrate her newfound lurv, she decided to fuck it all up epic-ly.

In srsly one of the creepiest moments I have ever peeped on The Hills (truly people...I was half expecting JB to take out a carving knife and give Audrina a "u r minez" tatoo while her blood dripped into the pool), Audy and JustinBobs were frolicking naked in the pool and talking about their future (well, their Cabo future at least).

Le sigh.

So, I guess they're TLF now again. Only JustinBobby doesn't love Audrina at awl, and if he does, its more of a manipulative sort of thing and certainly not "true," and he obvs has zero plans to be with her forever...but you get the picture.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the land of la: Heidi seems poised to kick her sis out to the curb cuz Spencer doesn't like when Holly's around during the day and he's all trying to concentrate on Centipede and watch porns-n-shit.

Also, I guess Spence was so desperate for human affection, he slummed it up and called She Pratt to come meet him and the coffee shop. She came, smiled at inappropriate moments, and had a deep fake meaningful ridiculous reunion with her little bro.

Absolutely nothing happened to LC. OH WAIT! Yes...she drank juice...and went to a party in Malibu with Whit.

I guess Lo died.

I mean, WTF? Where is she?? Was she replaced by Doug the Burrito King?

the rest is still unwritten,
me

I Can't Get It Up For Katie Holmes

Dear Katie, **

So, I'm sitting here in typical DFA deep thinking mode (can of diet coke, 100 calorie pack of choc chip cookie slivers and 2 vicodin) [kidding my little ponies, I WISH].

Anyway.

I'm sitting here, in the same place I sit every night. And I'm armed with this vid of you above singing and dancing during your upcoming guest spot on Eli Stone. This should be p-l-e-n-t-y of ammo to get me all lubed up and goin as per u. But for some crazy fucking reason, I got nothing.

The snark is not coming.

I mean, you def look kinda weird, and you bop your head very awkwardly, and though you're normally a pretty girl, you're not lookin particularly pretty...and yet I can't really "get it up" anymore than that.

I need a Viagra.

I think I'm actually having trouble making fun of your singing voice, and your horrendous hairdo, and your lame dancing because (gulp), I've kinda been feeling bad for you these days.

I mean, who could have imagined!?

You start this bizarro, staged, totally fake relationship with Tom Cruise (sign papers-n-everything, yo!), get your ass artificially inseminated with L. Ron Hubbard's sperm (since hello? we all know Tom's gay), let yourself get sucked into that Scientology bullshit, and now you're in so deep you probs couldn't even point to Capeside on a motherfucking map. All in an effort to catapult yourself to superstardom through osmosis.

But then your fake husband Tom Cruise went batshit crazy...and made Brooke Shields cry...and lost his production deal...and now everybody hates him.

And this is what you're left with.

It's no wonder you started recording secret confessionals in your closet.

Anyway, this Eli Stone thing totally sucked.

That's all I really got.

"I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be o-ver,"
mi

Watching Angelina Jolie Breastfeed Is Not Nearly As Thrilling As I Imagined It Would Be (Le Sigh)

Dear W Magazine, ***

I really do think its rad that you're coming out with your Angelina Jolie BREAST FEEDING cover...and that you guys are cutting edge enough to not think twice about allowing a little ole thing like BREAST FEEDING interfere with your editorial policy.

But if you keep telling everyone that this BREAST FEEDING cover is coming...and you are hyping the shit out of Angie's BREAST FEEDING cover (shot by Brad Pitt, natch) more than that friggin adorable Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie...and you are releasing early photos of the Ange BREAST FEEDING cover to whet everyone's whistle...uhm, I kinda maybe thought that we might see (I don't know), her BREAST.

Guess not.

[WTF?!]

This Newsweek cover showin' Sarah Palin's mustache is edgier.


Jus sayin,
me.

Psst...Wanna See The Director's Cut of Britney Spears' 'Womanizer' Video? (Trust Me...You Do)

Dear Everyone, ***

I think maybe I should just give up and change the name of my blog to BRITNEYBRITNEYBRITBRITBOOBRITBRITOBAMABRITNEY dot blogspot dot com and just be done with it. I can't fucking help myself.

MTV's Buzzworthy blog just dropped a super hotty, hott Directors Cut video of Brit's new single "Womanizer" that's way better than the vid you bitches are sitting around waiting for on 20/20 right now.

In case its not clear, here's the main diff between the Director's Cut vid above and the one on TV tonight: NUDITY.

You likey naked Britney? Then clicky clicky and Njoy.

Happy weekend! Unless any more Spears family dramz drops before Monday (which is very fuckin possible), I'll catch you l00zers on the flip.

Womanize this, bitch,
me.

If Britney Spears Is 'Smart' Then The World's Financial Markets Will Fail...(Oh, Wait)

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

Dear Britney, ***

TGIF.

At least it is now that I've read this little nugget. You've got a doc special comin out on MTVers!:

In the 90-minute exclusive documentary film, "Britney: For The Record,” Britney granted access to the award winning team at @radical.media to tell her side of the story in her own words. The film will not only give viewers a look into what it is truly like to walk in the shoes of one of today’s biggest musical icons, but behind-the-scenes access to everything from Britney recording her new album to preparing for her appearance on the “2008 MTV Video Music Awards,” and much more.

This bitch is allegedly gonna air on Sunday, November 30th at 10pm.

I for one, can't wait to hear how the destruction of your marriage, slash the shaving of your head, slash you thinking you're an uppity British chick and flashing your junk, slash you going stark raving mad and spending time in the hoo hoo house, slash you losing custody of your kids and having your daddy move back in with you and take over your life, was all just an overblown, overhyped stunt orchestrated by the LIBERAL, GOTCHA, JEW SCUM MEDIA (oh sorry...that was meant for a Sarah Palin post. My bad).

Anyway.

I'm soooo glad that that's all behind you. Really. I swear (there is NO sarcasm whatsoever in the preceeding sentence. I mean it, people!).

"don't call it a come back,"
mee

p.s. Thank GAH Jamie Lynn isn't preggo again, right!? Sheesh.

Clint Eastwood: A Republican Douchetard Or A Bleeding Heart Liberal? U Decide, Motherfuckers

Dear Clint, *

One of our fine DFA readers recently brought to my attention your recent sycophantic ass lick fest regarding She Who Shall Not Be Terrorized By The Right Wing Media, or SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Despite the fact that this DFA reader dude appears to be Canadian, I like that he's upfront about measuring his own dick, so I feel obliged. Also, I've never really gotten a request before and I kinda dig it. While I'm not exactly Samantha Ronson, rockin the beats for your lisnin pleshure, we DO take motherfuckin requests around here, so I'm gonna lay it all out for the FoOL and pour vous, Clint.

Right here. Right now. Gangsta style.

First of all: I hate your name. Clint sounds like Clit and that's nasty. I mean, who the Christ names their own child after vadge parts.
= FAIL

Second of all: you claim that you used to be Republican and now you're a Dem. And, frankly, I don't buy it. Here's what I think happened: you're a crazy, red, gun totin' Republican; Hollywood (i.e. LIBERAL MEDIA JEW SCUM) starts to find out about this sitch and all the sudden, no one wants to make a movies with Clit Clint; in an effort to protect your rep and have more than Wilford Brimley to choose from for your leading men, you Dem it up.
= FAIL

So, third of all: let's get to what you were blabbing about recently.

This is Angelina Jolie:


This is Sarah Palin:

Apparently you said the following recently: "When you find somebody people want to put down…it usually means there is something there they are afraid of," i.e. jus like with poor Saint Angelina.

Asked if he felt Sarah Palin was like Angelina Jolie, Easwood replied, "They are totally different types. But I am saying there is a star quality that scares a lot of people off."

A. You are 1000% right about people being scared off their nards about Sarah Palin
B. You are smoking a big fat spliff if you think peeps are afraid of her because of her Star-like qualities. Do you mean star-like qualities like these:



Hold the phone, motherfuckers! A star is born!
= FAIL

Fourth of all: you said this regarding the Veep debate last week: "One of the candidates the other night seemed more prone to telling the truth than the other." Everyone assumed you were talking about Joe Biden, but n'uh uh. You were giving a shout out to SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Here's why I got beef with this one: as much as I'd like to hack off Sarah Palin's hair and make a mop that I would use to clean the floor of an abortion clinic with, I get the "aww shucks," folksy thing. I get that she's "approachable" and hockey mom next door ish and, though it blows my fucking mind, I am kinda smart and watch CNN a lot, and I understand that there are huge swaths of our population that totally dig that. But you didn't mention any of that shit...you said she told the TRUTH.

Even little ole me...who's got Dem juice seeping out of my goddammed eyeballs at all hours of the day and night, understands that both candidates stretched the facts at various points in the evening. I just figure that even if they're both lying their asses off, I like the dems lies way better.

But the "truth" thing is most puzzling to me because Sarah Palin didn't answer a single friggin question all night long! She was in her own little "play" called Rescue My Rep or Else. She barely mentioned any facts, and I'm not even sure she knows what a figure is (oh wait! yah she does). In fact, the most truthful moment she had was when she flat out told Gwen Ifill that she was NOT gonna be answering her silly old questions, gosh darnit, becuz she's a maverick who likes to do shit her own way and that way includes not answering ANY OF THE GODDAMMED QUESTIONS!

So, yeah.

If we were looking at whether or not Sarah Palin was successful acting in her imaginary play and pulling her rep out of the shitter, I would give her some props. But telling the "truth"!? Nobody tells the truth at a motherfuckin debate.
= FAIL

Fifth of all: you're ob'd with making movies about people with guns. And everyone knows that *most* people who dig guns, are Republicans.

Further evidence that you are a fake Democrat Red
=FAIL

Here's the thing, Clit Clint, I never really liked you that much to begin with, though I get that you are a Hollywood legend and have contributed some pretty awesome shit to the wide world of entertainment. For serious you are entitled to your own opinions, and though I disagree with you to the miggity max, I kinda dig our constitution so I think you should feel free to say whatever the fuck you want. I guess what bugs me the most is that you're pretending to be something that you're not. Cuz, I'm sorry, there aint a Dem alive on the planet who would agree that SWSNBTBTRWM did a better job "telling the truth" at the Veep debate.

Take a page from Clay Aiken's play book, dude, and come on out of the closet. Republicans are people too (I guess).

"do I feel lucky?,"
m.e.

It's Yom Kippur, Yo

Dear G-d***

Ok, so its Yom Kippur...the Day of Atonement for us Heebs.

I know you're probs busy inscribing all our names down into the book of life-n-shit, but I was inspired by Sarah Palin, so I thought I would give you a shoutout.

So: hai!

I like your flava :)

I've spent the past ten days thinking about my behavior throughout they year, and of course all the things I might have done to piss you off and to piss everyone else off. Sorry about all that.

I mean, I think I've mostly done pretty well in the grand scheme of things (though my Track Palin post was maybe pushing things a bit, I will admit). I mean, I hope you get that this whole bloggedy blog thing is all in good fun and that I'm mostly just sharing random thoughts about random celebs, and also trying to make suckas laugh.

Anyway.

As if a blog weren't narcissistic enough, I think I'd like to really focus way more on the project of me over the next year...(Self involved much? But, no! I mean like in a good way), so if you could put that in the book of life that would be kool moe d.

Also, I'd like to put in a request for good things for G-man, O Town, our family, our friends and all the bias who read DFA (even the non Jewy ones).

That would rock.

And also thanks so much for all the things I have to be thankful about it (there's like a lot of stuff on this list).

So in honor of Yom and all this book-o-life inscribing, I'm instituting a 24 hour ban on sarcastic, bitchy, celebrity snark.

Starting now.

We're gonna go Lenny Kravitz style and "Let Love Rule."

In the meantime, please enjoy this pic of cuddly kittens above.

Yom Tov,
me

UPDATE: Whew! That shit was kinda hard. I actually missed you bitches. Oh wait, no I didn't...I was too busy stuffing my face. The highlights: insane amounts of A+++ gefilte fish, white fish salad that would make a grown man cry and one of the most epic-ly dee-lish-us coconut cupcakes that my fat ass ever did see. Jel? U should be...

Jamie Lynn Spears: You Make Those Idiot Teens Who Taped Themselves Beating Someone's Ass on Youtube Look Like Fulbright Scholars

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OH NO, you didn't!

DAYM.

Preggers!?

Again!??

A-L-R-E-A-D-Y?

If this is true, you are soo much stupider than I had previously even thought possible (which is no small feat, by the by). In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe your sissy Brit Brit engineered your ass in a lab and "grew you" in her closet just to get TMZ off her tail and make her look better.

Cuz, you're sort of making all that head shaving, mental institution stuff of Britney's look like this:



Le Sigh.

The best is, you're allegedly knocked up because you "didn't know you could get pregnant while you were breast feeding."

ZOMG.

Who is responsible for edu-ma-catin you about the birds-n-the bees? Bristol Palin? You could totes get better info by reading Forever by Judy Blume.

You need to be way un-stupider than you are.

good luck with that,
me.

UPDATE: JL says "leggo my preggo," i.e. baby NOT on board. Not sure what to believe here, but just tryin to get you bias the facts.

UPDATE to the UPDATE: A close family friend pinky swears that this shit is TRU and that JL is indeed with child. Everyone seems to be encouraging her to abort, but apparently the family is trying to buy some time. Verrry inneresting, no?