Let's Unleash the "Bod Squad" on All Your Haters, Amanda Lorber!

Dear Amanda, ***

Just caught up on Monday night's ep and I had a couple of ideas for some new post-it notes you could hang around your room:

• "Gianna is scheming jealous little hussie!"
• "Alex has z-e-r-o backbone!"
  
• "Trevor is the layout editor because he can't read!"
• "Adam is a wittle bitty cwy baby!"
  

Ok, perhaps my post-it notes are not quite as inspirational as yours are, but those loud-mouth, delusional staffers of yours deserve to be punched in the face--every last one of them (except, of course, for Cassia and your other friend--who rocks pretty freakin' hard for standing up for you at the editor's meeting).

Holy freakin' ridiculousness.

That anyone in that entire school is still under the hilariously insane impression that Giana, Alex or anyone else but you should have been editor, is beyond my comprehension. Giana!? An Editor-in-Chief!? That's coo coo for cocoa puffs.

I hate to say it, but I think its officially time to kick Alex to the curb. He's way too hung up on fitting in with the "cool" kids and he totally doesn't get that he's making a huge mistake by hitchin' himself to the wrong wagon. You two could rule the school, but he's far too busy giving Giana a bikini wax and teaching Trevor the alphabet to ever put that puzzle together.

So keep on keepin' on ALo. Because, I cannot w-a-i-t until you have some fab development deal with the network in a few years or some kickass job writing for Samantha Who or the Daily Show and Giana and her bitch brigade can sit around in their community college dorm rooms eating their bitchtastic hearts out all the live long day.

In Chief we trust,
me

Exactly How Fat Are You Hoping to Get?

Dear My Fat Ass, **

Stop watching this fucking pancake puff infomercial already and just buy the stupid thing.

Your attempts to get our delusional brain to support your efforts by hypothesizing that this is a necessary kitchen tool are both ridiculous and predictable. True, we do use the Magic Bullet quite a bit, but its small and capable of producing healthy snacks like smoothies and salsa.

I get it--It's "pantastic!," but I give it about a week until your evil mind control tricks have me cookin' up cheesy bacon pancake puffs, spicy jalapeno puffs, brownie puffs, cinammon sugar whipped cream puffs and god damned crabcake puffs round the clock. I don't even like crab, but I bet that won't stop me from puffin' em up!

Your reign of terror must be stopped.

Like now.

me

MTV's The Real World: No Sleep Till Brooklyn

Dear Brooklyn, ***

We're fucked.

Just thought you should know.

Me

I Hate Myself For Watching The Hills

Dear Hills Girls, **

I would have written last night but I slipped into a boredom coma during your finale. The doctors were only able to revive me after blasting Amanda Lorber's Mr. Roboto youtube video on a continuous loop.

Sooo, to recap:

Lauren and Audrina had some tension.

Heidi acted stupid at work.

Lo was borrrring.

Spencer acted like a dumbass chump.

Le sigh.

I think I might actually be ready to ditch you all for Tila Tequila.

Don't call,
Me

Dennis Farina is Not So Hot on Keeping Law & Order After All

Dear Dennis, *?

What with all of the constantly changing rules and security measures, its super duper hard to keep up with what we can and can't bring onto planes these days. I get confused myself quite a bit, so I thought I would share with you a recent checklist I put together that I use religiously every time I'm packing for a trip.

Do NOT bring any of the following items onto the plane:

• Bottled water (unless purchased after security checkpoint)
• Any liquids over 3 ounces
  
• Tweezers
• Knitting needles
• Tuna fish sandwiches
  
• A Loaded freakin gun

Feel free to print this out and use it as much as you need to (I had mine laminated!).

Bon Voyage,
m-e

Perez Hilton + his own fashion line = You Have GOTTT To Be Kidding Me

Dear Perez, **

Uhm....yeah. Your own fashion line, huh?

I'm pretty sure I would rather commit to an all Heidiwood, all the time wardrobe than ever, ever, like EVER have to wear a Mario Lavandeira designed baby tee. It looks like My Little Pony threw up all over those tween jeans and horrible ho-odies.

Also, when you're a fashion designer...and you look totally ridiculous at your own clothing line launch--that's kinda not so good.

That's all.

Think pink (oops, looks like you already R!),
m.

Britney Spears, You're Un-Be-Weaveable

photo: just jared

Dear Brit, **

I do realize its odd for me to be friend matchmaking when I don't really know either one of you, but have you ever met my fake friend Jessica Simpson? She used to be on a super popular reality show on MTV about her and her husband that I believe you and KFed tried to copy with Chaotic (well what do you know...hindsight is 20/20! Holy foreshadowing of the ginormous mess your life was about to become, LOL!).

Anyhoo, I just thought that you and Jess might really hit if off. I mean, you are both in the midst of a C list phase thing after your celebrity statuses simultaneously took a nose dive off a cliff into the deep, fiery pits of an erupting volcano. But the similarities don't stop there!

*you're both nice southern girls, y'all!
*you're both former fake virgins
*you both love fried chicken and all other manner of fried foods
*you're both singers...kind of
*and you both have formerly unknown sisters that are now more famous and well-liked than you are (hey Ash and Jamie Lynn!)

If you two were on eharmony, I totally think you would be matched up! ROFL!

Anyway B, I'm actually really hoping that Jess can help you out a scooch with your hair. I haven't mentioned anything to you in awhile, I know, but after seeing this picture of you above I actually yuked all over my computer keyboard (note: if that ever happens to you, do NOT try to use those compressed air cans to clean it out--it doesn't work very well).

I did notice that your acrylic nails were all french manicured up the other day and you were wearing some cute berry stained lip gloss, so it seems like you're tryin' to get your pretty on again. But Brit Brit, you're weave is lookin' so over the top nasty, both Amy Winehouse AND Whitney Houston have contacted me separately to let me know how totally skeeved out they are by it. You look like a garbage pail kid :(

So, that's why I want to hook you up with Jess--she has a whole line of fake hair with that celebrity hairdresser dude Ken Paves!

CALL THEM B!

I just know that they could get you from blech to bipolar babe in no time at all!

Think about it, K?

Text,
Me
Now

Stop Copying Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers

Dear Jonas Brothers, (pls see Miley Cyrus rating),

I know almost absolutely nothing about you aside from the fact that you are teenagers...and brothers. I don't think I've ever heard one of your songs (on purpose, at least) and have zero clue what any of your first names are. And yet none of that stops me from being deeply annoyed by all three of you chumps.

Now it seems that we have a Jonas Brothers 3D concert film to contend with next year?....fantastic. I'm totally looking forward to having my local movie theater clogged up like a toilet with giggling gaggles of twittering teenage girls dreaming of having their v cards swiped by Jonas Brother 1, 2 or (if need be) 3.

Can you just get off the internet already?

Hell to the No,
m.

Comet the Fish Can Kick My Dog's Ass

Dear Oliver, ***

Uhm, you are so not pulling your weight around here.

I buy you gourmet food, take you to the doggie dermatologist, hire you sitters and speak with a freakin' animal communicator and all you've got for me is a developed "sit" and "down" routine?

Dude, this fish can do the fucking limbo. Are you hearing' me??? He's a FISH! He also plays roundball, soccer and slaloms. He probably composed a symphony last week and built a school for starving children in Africa for all I know.

You drool, eat, crap and bark like a champ, fer sure, but when I see Comet bendin' it like Beckham, I can't help but feel a little disappointed in you.

Unfortunately, I just called the R2 Fish School and they are not accepting dogs at this time. I put your name on the waiting list and will cross my fingers and hope for the best. In the meantime, you might want to start thinking about some ways you could potentially step up to the plate a bit more around here. Vacuuming and Karate might be some good places to start. It's really up to you.

Love is Ruff,
mom

Miley Cyrus, I Think I Actually Like You Now

Dear Miley, (** ?? I'm stumped on this one),

Wow, slutty pix AND this dancin' machine youtube video? Maybe you're not so lame after all.

Why oh why doesn't anyone ever challenge meeee to a dance off!? So not fair.

Hos before bros,
me

If Lovin' You Is Wrong, Gossip Girl, I Don't Wanna Be Right

Dear Everybody, ***

Best

Fucking

Episode

E-V-E-R.

My girl S did N'aaht disapoint.

V cards all the way around,
me

Oh How You Toy With My Emotions, Serena Van Der Woodsen

Dear Serena, ***

You dirty little birdie.

I guess tonight is the night we find out how naughty you and Georgie actually were are on Gossip Girl. I spent the better part of last week riddling your potential misdeeds over and over again in my head. I spent so much time pondering your bad girl ways, in fact, I'm going to be seriously peeved if you don't deliver with some major shock value.

I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but here's the evidence I've collected thus far:

• The fact that you didn't even feel comfortable telling Chuck about this heinous crime of yours did throw me off a bit. If I stabbed a small child after leaving a hit and run scene and snorting cocaine at the 7-11 I had just robbed, Chuck would pretty much be my first and only call.

• You seemed pretty freaked out by that email slash audio (or video) clip that evil G undoubtedly sent you. Digital evidence of your faux pas? Check.
  

• Your "If I go down, you go down" line seems to indicate this is way bigger than the pregnancy theory that had been circulating about you and Nate. I'm guessing this means he is not, in fact, your baby daddy.

• The recording you was listening to said something along the lines of "do you think Serena will be down for this?" indicating that this "thing" was likely pre-planned.

• Georgie's secret admirer gift of coke clearly implies that you were likely quite a snow queen back in the day.
  

Clue used to be my favorite board game, so I'm just going to step right up to the plate with the following prediction of what's in the envelope:

Who: Serena Van Der Woodsen and Georgie McRichieBitch
What: Amateur sex tape in some skeevy downtown loft (possibly with some girl on girl action)
Weapon: Booze and/or mounds of blow (possibly also included on sex tape)

I know you can't say anything, so I'll just wait to see what goes down tonight to find out if I'm right or not. If I AM right, just remember that these days, sex tapes actually seem to help your reputation and status in the world, so don't sweat it.

kisses for bitches,
M.

P.S. Georgie is making a play for your main man Dan...just thought you should know :)

Amanda Lorber, Will U Be My BFF? Pretty Please??

Dear Hollywood Powerhouses, **

I cannot sit idly by in silence any longer: Amanda Lorber needs her own TV show...like, pronto.

MTV's The Paper is one of my favorite new shows on TV and it rocks for one reason and one reason only...and that's Ms "In Chief" herself. Everyone else on Cypress Bay High School's The Circuit staff is whiny, annoying and doltish, but ALorbs--she's a total star.

If you don't believe me, check out this brilliant performance of hers in which she sings the merits of using facebook over myspace.

Maybe she can go work at Jezebel or the New York Observer for a summer internship and you can spin that into a reality show? Or how bout this!?: a teen version of Beauty and the Geek?

Truthfully, I don't care what you come up with...just come up with something ASAP. For realz.

Amanda is my constant,
meeee

**Want more Amanda Lorber-ness?? Me too!

Tom Cruise and Oprah: A Match Made In Xenu

Dear Tom, *

Ewww.

After watching your interview with the big O, I feel all icky inside. Kinda like I need a shower.

Telluride is very pretty--I'll give you that. But you were just weird and creepy and had a very bad haircut goin' on.

It was super interesting hearing you talk about that opening scene in Risky Business--and how it literally changed the course of your life. Especially when Op moved right on to ask you about the "couch incident"--which also sorta changed the course of your life. Like, for the way worse.

I actually felt bad for Oprah, because the awkwardness between you two was palpable. And dude. You were a little over-the-top with the you "WERE EGGING ME ON" tirade regarding your couch gymnastics routine. Come on...you needed no egging. You know it and I know it, so put your freakin' omlette pan away.

And can one of the higher-ups from your whacko religious militia please explain to me why the EFF I have a better chance of getting a quick explanation regarding the concepts behind quantum physics or the easiest way to to perform open heart surgery than I do to this very simple question: WHAT IS SCIENTOLOGY?! Haven't you people ever heard of an "elevator pitch?" Here's some totally free PR advice Tommy (I pray you are not still getting any from your sister): If you don't want people making up stories and constantly criticizing you, stop being Mr. Mysteriouso about the whole thing.

Also, we all read right through the BS that you and Nicole were BFF and your whole family was like one big Brady Bunch lovefest. I'm guessing its more like Celebrity Deathmatch than it is the Brady's.

Anyhoo, just wanted to send you a quick note to say that I still hate your guts! And that I'm looking forward to Part II of your freakshow interview.

Theta Hater,
ME

Baby Showers and Little Girls!? Oh My, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMFG, I just read that you are having a little girl! Sugar and spice and everything nice (LOL).

This is s-u-c-h AHmazing news...are you just over the moon?? And perfect timing and all with your shower this weekend! Esp since Brit Brit will be there :)

It will be so fun to have a girl, doncha think? You can teach her all about acrylic nails, crimp each other's hair and share your Hannah Montana CD's. You guys can swap clothes (or boyfriends! ROFL! JK...I totally know that you and Casey are together 4 ever ;) and teach her all about responsibility. It will be great.

I'm not sure if you started thinking about names yet, but I thought of a few that I wanted to pass along:
Krystal Khristina
Amber Alexis
Katelyn Tiffany or
Jamie Lynn Casey (wouldn't that be sooo cute?! Uhm, TOTES!)

Anyway, have a really amazing baby shower (don't forget to brush your hair!). Can't wait to see the pics of Brit puking into the bar-b-que and Casey brandishing his gun!!!! (ha!)

kisses,
me

P.S. Have you guys started decorating yet at the new place? Pottery Barn is having a killer sale!

Supermodel, Rockstar--What's Next Agyness Deyn, Actress!?

Dear Agyness, **

So...

I don't have anything against you personally and I'm sure you are a lovely, possibly non-annoying woman. But now you're a chanteuse? I am just totally flummoxed.

I love me some supermodels: Heidi, Giselle, Naomi, Cindy...even Janice for Christ's sake. I love reading about supermodels, looking at supermodels and watching interviews with supermodels. But I seriously just don't get you.

Supermodels have long, wavy hair that you just want to reach out and touch. They make you want to buy lingerie and makeup and they all carry it bags and have fabulous sunglasses. You usually look like you're on your way to traffic school after a long night of boozing.

Look Ags, I'm chubby, and shortish and very often leave my house without lip gloss, so I know that I'm really in no position to judge, B-U-T I just don't see you holding your own at the Supermodel Debutante Ball. You're cute and all, but a supermodel??

I'm not going to listen to your song because, frankly, I don't want any reason to dislike you anymore than I do. Maybe you'll do something a little more interesting sometime soon?

Waiting,
me-ee

Me-n-Julia Allison TLF...Thanks to You, Gawker

photo: Devon Steigerwald

Dear Gawker, ***

You've done it. No joke.

I think I now love Julia Allison and its e-n-t-i-r-e-l-y your fault.

Like many others, I've read, with gusto, every single JA hatin' piece you've ever posted. I remember (rather sheepishly) the day many months ago that I first thought to myself "hunh...who the hell is Julia Aliison?!"

I admit, I jumped on the hate train along with everyone else and gleefully sat front and center as Jules has been parsed, dated, rated and twittered. I mean, I *get* why you hate her: she's pretty, getting paid lots of money to flit around town for Star magazine, has her own reality show, loves all the attention she gets, yada, yada, yada. But your hatred runs so deep and is so boundless, it's really kind of fascinating in its own right. I mean, if you're genuinely soo disgusted by all of the attention JA seeks than why do you keep giving it to her? (the metaphors run deep, n'est-ce que pas?)

Slowly but surely, as your hatred gained momentum, mine started losing steam. Maybe its the rebel in me who longs to stand out in a crowd (like JA!) or maybe she just methodically won me over with her wily ways (can you actually hypnotize someone with the carefully crafted words in a TONY article?), but here I am. I'm throwing up my hands to the heavens in utter and complete frustration. I'm completely and totally bored of hating Julia. I'm so done. Finito.

I
heart
JA.

I'm thinking of starting a Facebook group called: I love Julia Allison...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!? I'm totally looking forward to her reality show and YES, I am following her on Twitter and am thoroughly entertained by her tweets.

I assure you, I don't know Julia, any of her friends or any of her friends' friends. I don't go to Butter or Beatrice or wherever all of the cool kids hang out nowadays and nobody put me up to this. I simply thought you should know what's been wrought as a result of your hate parade.

No hard feelings?
me

Get the Eff Out of My COCKtail, Marilyn Manson

Dear Marilyn, **

You are seriously a genius.

I'm not being sarcastic or snarky either...I mean it. You're like a living, breathing marketing experiment and the world is your willing puppet. Your name is Brian and you grew up suburban fucking Ohio. Mix one part pancake make-up and black eyeliner with two parts naming yourself after a serial killer and, voila...you're a superstar. Throw in some anti-christ BS for good measure, talk about blood a lot in your "songs" and stop eating = e-d-g-y. And now you're making fucking Absinthe?! Absinthe made in Switzerland in some dark, dank castle I presume?

Totally.

Brilliant.

Let's list your qualifications for Absinthe maker: you are weird, dark, scary and wear black smudgy make-up. I'm sure you booze it up constantly, so I will spot you that. Based on this formula, I'm volunteering myself to endorse and/or develop my own line of the following products: Spanx (chubby thighs, check!); Goody hairbands (constant ponytail, check!); the SAT's (I'm smart, uh huh!); Pinkberry flavor (ob-sessed!).

Anyway, let it be known, Bri-guy, that Mansinthe is both completely ridiculous and Shear Genius.

L'Chaim,
m.

Girls Who Wear Glasses Have Seriously Nice Asses, New York Mag

Dear New York Magazine, ***

Not to brag or anything, but I was like 24 years ahead of this glasses trend thing. I was rockin' these puppies in fourth grade. FOURTH grade. Mmm Hmm.

Just sayin'.

Give me a jingle if you're ever looking for a new trend spotter.

Kool Moe D,
me

Keep on Boozin, Amy Winehouse! You Warned Us All Already

Dear Everyone, ***

True, Amy Winehouse had a bit of a Naomi Campbell weekend, but seriously I don't get what all of this fuss is about?  

Brit claimed to be a virgin while she was popping birth control pills like candy, Lindz is on a multi-month bender/booze-fest after 3 trips to rehab, but AW is in a different league.  I know jokes have been made about this ad nauseum, but she did warn us all a long time ago that she was boarding the crazy train and had no intention of getting off.

I quote directly...from a little ditty she wrote:

"They're tryin to make me go to rehab

And I say, no, no, no"

Oh yah...and then she won five freakin' Grammy Awards for it.

Uhm.  

Am I missing some hidden message buried in there? 

I say we all back off, and leave the poor lamb to continue speed balling horse tranqs, wearing dirty cutoff shorts and blood stained shoes and beating down police officers.

Let the woman wreck her own life in peace and quiet.  Sheesh.

Light-n-Love,

me

Simon is Soooo Not Gay, Thank You Very Much!

Dear Simon, *

Ohhhh Kay. Thanks so much for clearing this up!

Keep on rockin' the speedos.

Yours in barf,
mè

Two Babies Are Totally Better Than One, Jennifer Lopez

Dear Jenny From the Block, **

Can I be the first to suggest "Double Trouble" as the title of your new reality show on TLC?

Way to come back from the cringe-worthy embarassment of naming your children totally boring and uninspired names.

Bessos,
me

'If You See What You Think Is a Contradiction, Check Your Premises, Because One of Them Is Wrong' -- Thank You, Real Housewives of New York City

Dear Simon & Alex, *

Thanks to you both, I think I threw up in my mouth eleven times during last night's Real Housewives of New York City Reunion. Here were a few of my favorite little nuggets:

• You are not now, nor were you E-V-E-R interested in being a socialite (Alex)
  
• You don't think its at all unusual that you are living in a crack den ("it didn't occur to me that anyone would have any sort of a reaction to it") (Alex)
  
• You feel totally misrepresnted (Simex)
• It only "looks like" you are desperate to move up in society...you "are not trying to be members of high society" (Simex)
• You've been misunderstood C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y (Simex)
• You don't care what we all think (Alex)

Honestly, my brain hurts from all of your bullshit. As Bethenny aptly stated, you two need to admit that you're desperado to be the Tinsley & Topper Mortimer of ghetto Brooklyn and fucking be done with it.

Go big or go home,
(eh...actually, just go home),
me

P.S. I watched some reruns of the show tonight and Francois really is a major little shit.

Lickety Split, Jessica Simpson

Dear Jess, **

Do you remember that childhood game when someone would scream out "OPPOSITE DAY" and then whatever you said, it would be opposite? "I love you" would actually be something to say to someone when you really mean "I hate you," for example. "You're an inspiration to us all" would actually mean "you're kinda pathetic and sad." "You're so super famous and fabulous" would actually translate into"for the love of Christ, why are you licking blue frosting off of your skeevy BF's face...what in the holy hell has happened to your life?"

Do you remember that game, J?

Just wondering.

This I swear,
mee

Dear Everybody: Monday Night TV Recap

Dear Everybody, ***

Gossip Girl:

• Meh
• Obvs, Chuck is going to be the gay one (how cool would that be!?)
• Touche, Jenny...way to come back from grand theft auto.
• Bonjour, Georgina!
  

The Hills:

• Holy Justin-Bobbyness!

The Paper:

• Amanda-n-Alex sittin' in a tree (fingers crossed!).
  
• Everyone else: Jealous much? Amanda DE-served the editor position so back the eff off and start acting like teenagers who aren't about to shoot a beatdown video!
• Amanda: your eyeglasses wardrobe is an inspiration to us four-eyed girls everywhere

You know you love,
me

Teenagers Are So, So, So Stupid

Dear Colosally Idiotic Belligerant Teens, *

True, I am now in my thirties and have some difficulty recalling the struggles and challenges of being a teenager growing up in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours. I did go to public school, and had to take a few non-honors courses, ride the bus AND eat alone once or twice in the cafeteria---so I know what's it's like living deep down in the trenches. And yet, I made it all the way through school without beating the shit out of someone and videotaping it for fun.

Perhaps being a cheerleader on top of all of your normal school responsibilities is a bit too much to handle. I mean, pom pom routines and football scores don't seem that complicated, but what the heck do I know? I was stuck in SAT test prep and editing the school newspaper--you know, trying to plan for my successful future as a contributing member of our society.

Now it seems you zany teens are forming splinter groups who were so inspired by the stark raving lunacy of the first cheerleader beatdown video, you're thinking "Hey! We should beat the living eff out of someone too and tape it! Wouldn't that be sooooo cool!?"

Uhm.

Do I seriously need to answer that question for you?

NO,
no, no, no,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
it would not, in fact, be sooo cool.

Get a freakin hold of yourself people. This is not exactly rocket science here.

Not that you morons are applying to Harvard on Yale, but what the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think is going to happen when the admissions specialist at State or whatever lame-o community college you apply to googles your name and finds these videos?? I'm seriously ready to sick Super Nanny on all of your ridonkulus asses.

Grow the eff up.

Jee-zus Cripes,
me

Tonight Is THE Night, Gossip Girl

Dear New York Magazine, ***

Right
On
Muthafuckas!

Gossip Girl really IS the best show ever. Maybe you should start a weekly column devoted solely to the goings and comings of GG?

Just an idea.

Hopelessly devoted to you,
me

Liberty, Mississippi is SOOO the Spot For You, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Amite County Courthouse, Liberty, MS

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMG! I just read about how you and Casey are house hunting in Mississippi! That's so amazing!

I mean, I don't know much about Liberty, MS, but I bet its going to be the perfect spot for your little family. I just read on wikipedia that almost 19% of the people living there have college degrees! JL, that's soooo important! You're going to want your little boo to be around people who truly value the importance of an education, and it sounds like those people live in Mississippi! The population of Liberty is supposedly around 630 people...so if 19% have college educations, that means that almost 120 people there are def gonna be really, really smart! True, we don't know where the Libertarians went to college...and they probably included community college and maybe even home study courses, but who cares! You need to provide only the best for your little boo boo, and you're doin it grrrl!

Perez said you guys made an offer on a 3 bedroom house for, like $300,000! (do you have a connection with the number 3?! You should talk to a numerologist!). He also said that your new place is going to have marble floors and a game room---that is sooo cool JL! Maybe you can fit a go cart track in there!!

I also read that only 21% of the town of Liberty is living below the poverty line, so you guys are not going to stick out there at all. And when Brit Brit and the boys come to visit, they are going to feel so at home...I bet everybody there goes barefoot when they stop off at gas station bathrooms!

I'm including this great picture of the town's courthouse that I found: I hope you and Casey don't ever end up there!!!!

Congrats, JL....on everything!!

luv & hugs,
Me

p.s. I know being preggers must be sooo hard and I don't know if your doctor ever mentioned this to you (or if you go to the doctor?), but you're not really supposed to have a lot of caffeine. So maybe you should try Diet Doctor Pepper instead of the real thing?

Seriously, New Yorker Magazine? You Watch 'The Hills' Too??

Dear New Yorker Magazine, ***

Aren't you, like, supposed to be writing stuff for smart people?

Just wondering,
me

Justin Bobby is to Modeling What Kryptonite was to Superman

Dear Justin Bobby, *

I'm not sure exactly why I hate you with the intensity of 1,000 fiery burning suns.

I mean, I know some of the reasons that the site of your elfish, bearded face makes me want to stab myself in my eyeballs:

• You're a fucking tool
• Your self-importance coupled with your "Mr. Mysterious" act make me violently ill
• Your rat's nest of a head makes you seem like a homeless person...not a "celebrity hairdresser."
• You ride a motorcycle

But I myself am flummoxed at the effect you have on me. It's like those giddy, exciting (and inexplicable) feelings of first love...only completely and totally opposite. I'm pretty sure that I'd rather get a colonoscopy or clean the toilets at Port Authority than have to look at your face or listen to your purposefully confounding BS for another millisecond. I think I hate you more than Spencer.

I'm hoping your new gig as a model does not involve any actual speaking parts...and that you never show your stu-pid self on The Hills again.

For realz.

Get lost,
ME

How Much Junk Is In Her Trunk, Jackie Warner?

Dear Jackie,***

Uhm...is it me, or is your new GF kinda chub-tastic?

Also, ixnay on the tongue baths, ok?

Work it out,
mee

0 to Crazy in Two Weeks Flat, Huh Ramona?

Dear Ramona,**

I've had a few NYC celebrity sightings before (Paris Hilton at the airport, Steve Buscemi in my Brooklyn nabe, Madonna's back in central park), but none have been as show-stoppingly spectacular as seeing you last night in front of Macy's on 34th street screaming into your phone about "Bethenney!" and "Jill!" and "book deals!" and "Money!"

I recognized you immediately, (though no one else was giving you a second glance) and I have to give props when props are due: you looked sorta cute. You've really infused the term "hot mess" with new meaning on the show (pretty much everytime you don't take Avery's advice and end up wearing some sort of outfit built around those black knee-high boots, a short skirt, and/or a titty shirt it doesn't work in a big, bold way), but last night you were looking (gulp) kind of adorable.

I was fiddling with my iphone and pretending not to listen to your conversation, though, in truth Mone, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e was listening to your convo because you may as well have been talking into a bullhorn. Your pacing back and forth (and in and out of Macy's) discouraged me from getting full on stalkerazzi on you, but you were DEF talking about the possibility of doing Real Housewives of New York City again, and running through the scenarios of which other housewives would be joining you. You started talking money and cleverly noted that whatever you ask for, "They just give you half! You ask for 50, you get 25; you ask for 100, you'll get 50." Seriously, Ramona, you were soooo good at math!!

Unable to contain myself any longer, I dialed my husband in the hopes that I could leave the phone on speaker and let him get a taste of your ranting too, and that's when I lost you. DAMMIT.

I ran my ass home to watch the finale of RHONYC all hopped up on the excitement of having just seen you in your cute little pink coat, and your Christian Louboutin shopping bag (Mais, oui Madame!). Popcorn in hand, I was totally prepared to bask in the glory of all of my rediscovered Ramona love, and then...you did it again.

You let loose with the crazy.

You really did a bang up job of hiding the insanity in the first few eps (minus the Hamptons freakout where you almost threw your friend's dog in the pool). Were you quirky? Yes, of course. Were you annoying? Absolutely! Are you bad at Tennis? Totally! But you buried the full-on CRAZY down deep...until, of course, you met Simon.

Mind you, if ever there was a walking, talking crazy trigger, Simon van Kempen is most assuredly it, BUT I still was left with nothing but a wtf feeling after your outrageous outburst/exit last week over your "girls night" disappointment. Especially since none of these "girls"...uhm... like you very much.

I was certain that after that bizarro freak out, you would certainly be on your bestest behavior for the farewell party. I was expecting groveling, air kisses and eyeball pointing fer sure, but then you let loose with the crazy again (?!). You showed up an hour and a half late, almost bitch slapped your husband in front of everyone, and then sorta offered up this inauthentic, half-assed apology. You DID hug Simon and make-up which, true confessions, did get me a little teary-eyed, but your outcast status amongst the rest of the group seems pretty cemented at this point (ironically, Simon may indeed now be your only friend).

Poor Ramona.

The rest of the show was uber boring, so I do thank you for at least spicing things up an eensy bit.

Anyway, good luck with your negotiating!. I'd suggest (based on your "halvsies" theory I overheard you discussing) that you should ask Bravo for a billion...and then just settle for around 500 mil.

love ya long time,
me

What the EFF, Bravo TV?

Dear Bravo TV,*** (revised from a former ** rating)

How in the h-e double hocky sticks is Real Housewives of New York City over tonight!? Jiminy Christmas, It just started!

Not that I counted, but I swear those OC bitches got waay more episodes than this. I sat through forty-six God damn minutes of Vicki (with an "i") trying to convince herself that she's not, in fact, an epic control freak and Lauri (with an "i") droning on and on about how head over heels in love she is with what's his wallet, and I deserve some payback now.

If it was ME running my little ole TV network that happened to just lose the one show that put it on the map in the first place (to Lifetime, no less), I would get my ass into gear and get some new eps into production stat.

What the EFF am I supposed to watch now, Step It Up & Dance?

Hurry up,
me

UPDATE: oopsie! I feel like I did the equivalent of drunk dialing (never post before a very thorough googling, kids!). Not only are you renewing Real Housewives of New York City, but you're also giving us Real Housewives of New Jersey too!? Bravo TV, you are waaay too good to me. Friends again?

If Lovin' You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right, Eva Longoria

Dear Self,**

D-A-Y-M!

Are you sure you're not gay?

Stop staring at Eva Longoria's new Bebe ad like that...you're freakin me out.

Ay Mami,
m.e.

What Goes Vroom Vroom In The Night? Britney Spears

photo: dListed

Dear Brit,**

I know you've had a rough time of things recently, so I'll skip over your new raunch-a-riffic weave, your cowboy boots, your cracked out friends/star fuckers, your perma tan, and your skin regime (or lack thereof), so that we can just get straight to the real matter at hand: your driving.

I totally get that you don't like your daddio all up in your grill. And I GET that its nice to do your own thing and not have to ask permission to go get a coffee (i.e. instigate a paparazzi frenzy...wink wink) at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Sunset, or go rent a room at the Peninisula for who knows what bizarre reason (and then immediately check out), but WHY oh w-h-y are you still driving? Your car accidents occur so often, they're a bit of a challenge to keep track of.

What's the deal, B?? Just say "NO" to the wheel.

Or here's an idea: maybe you and Lindsay Lohan can go halvsies on a driver?

Just a thought.

Text,
Me

OMFG is right; Will You Marry Me 'Gossip Girl'?

Dear [The] CW,***

This rocks.

Hard.

Props,
me

You've Finally Jumped On the "Dirty Boy Freakshow" Dating Train, Huh Natalie Portman?

Dear Nat,***
Of course it was too good to be true. Never been to rehab, always wear your panties, Harvard education, blah, blah, blah. Well, I guess its time for the good girl to officially burn her Mensa card. Helllooo, Devendra Banhart!

The pic above is a teeny tiny taste of of the galactic online freakshow of material on this dude (do a google image search if you don't believe me). He's also described on his own record label's site as a former "homeless, wandering, neo psych/folk hippie artist", so....yeah--there's that.

"But he's a muz-ish-annnn. And he's soooo deep"[I imagine you pleading with your shell-shocked mother after your first Friday night Shabbat dinner with the fam].

Save it.

Seriously.

True I've never listened to any of Dev's music, but trust me, I know I won't like it on principle alone.

Anyway, I guess as your first legit foray into the realm of the naughty girl, this is a pretty decent love connection to make. If you want to keep the PR heat on HI, I would probably suggest a sex tape release in three weeks or so.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Ms. Hershlag. I'm just sayin.'

Love you like a sis,
m'he

Me+So You Think You Can Dance=TLF

Dear Cast, Crew and "Juh-jus" of So You Think You Can Dance (and Cat Deeley),***

GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just saw the promo for your twooooo hour premiere on Thursday, May 22 and I am s'o, s'o, s'oooooo excited--like Alex McCord finding out she was referenced on New York Social Diary excited.

I've missed you, I've missed you, I've missed U!
I luv you, I luv you, I luv U!

Waiting(!),
ME

Pour Me Another Tall Glass of Real Housewives of New York City, Sorry Self

Dear Weak, Feeble-Minded Self,**

You are disgusting.

You were once the recipient of a scholarship to a 4 year, somewhat highly regarded university. A few years back you solved 3/4 of the NY Times Sunday Crossword puzzle mostly by yourself. You easily understand the difference and proper usage of there, their and they're AND two, too and to. And yet each Tuesday night, there you smugly sit, diet coke in hand and tivo remote nearby (for constant instant replaying) enthralled in yet another episode of The Real Housewives of New York City.

If you could inject episodes of this show into your veins, dear stupid, stupid Self, I fear you might become a junkie. You've taken to watching eps two or three times each, and your growing knowledge base about these women is likely sufficient grounds for a restraining order.

Self, you cannot keep sitting around fantasizing about meeting the housewives in person and letting loose with a flurry of pushy questions, high-and-mighty comments and snarky observations. It ain't gonna happen. Besides, what on Earth would you say!?

Alex: First of all, naming your son Francois did NOT work. He doesn't want to fucking speak French! (in spite of his stupid name which will, sadly, lock up future daily ass-kickings at school...if he ever gets into one). Save the money from one of your hideo-tastic, ill-fitting dresses and buy yourself a clue. Second of all, get a freakin haircut, get o-v-e-r yourself, buy your husband Simon a rainbow flag, and for the love of Christ, please get your teeth fixed.

Francois: It's not your fault. Stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and lock yourself in your bedroom until you are old enough to ride the subway by yourself and escape from your parents desperately blinding social climb into the wannabe wasteland of NYC sycophants and hangers on. Or, Plan B: see if Tinsley Mortimer will adopt you (hot diggity DAMN would that piss your parents off!)

Johan: It's not your fault either. SEE FRANCOIS'S ADVICE ABOVE

LuAnn: Is your kitchen seriously that tiny!? Please tell me they are shooting Rosie's maid's quarters out back. Also, how totally crazy it that you are a Countess and your name is LUANN!? I mean, a waitress, OK. A nail technician, no problemo...but a Countess!? And this, dear Countess LUANN, is the reason that Bethenny didn't quite realize that you needed to be formally introduced like the Queen of freakin' England. Sheesh.

Jill: Is there anything I can do or say to convince you to take me out to lunch? I need a "connectah" like you in my life pronto (eim fruhm the fyve towns too!). Also, your gay boyfriend, (you know, the one who you think is dripping with taste) has AB-solutely none. He's bringing you down...big time.

Ramona: You might want to try pointing at things with your fingers rather than your eyeballs (I can't even imitate you for more than 15 seconds without straining my peepers). The daily rotation of hunky crosses around your neck are cringe worthy. Also, listen to your daughter; she's always right and has more sense than anyone else on the whole damn show.

Bethenny: You should seriously wear a bikini more often--you've got a sick bod (but that white dress you wore in Miami was Whore-endous. Burn it). Also, stop drinking so much...it's slightly distracting from your whole organic chef/health nut persona. In summary: I'm totally desperate to be your BFF. Call me.

Simon Van Kempen: [insert deep, full-bodied sigh] Oh forget it.

[Just read the freakin McCord Van Kempen family website--there is nothing that I could really say here that will do more for the cause of bringing to light his epic douche-i-ness than this].

And yes, Simon...in answer to your question you are "hopelessly gauche."

Wake up Self...you're dreaming again.

Don't eventhinkaboutit,
Mi

Death By Blogging, Cruel World?

Dear Cruel World,***

Will this blog be the end of me?

Le sigh.

Hopelessly devoted to you,
me me me

Your Ad is So Not Posh, Marc Jacobs

Dear Marc,**

Looking at this Victoria Beckham ad leaves me almost as shocked and confused as I was after seeing your photo for the first time post fat, dorky guy makeover.

Here are the cold hard facts Marc-ee Mark:
1. This is a horrible, overexposed photo
2. This horrible photo does not look artistic or avant garde...it looks stupid
3. The intended fairy tale/kiss a frog reference is murky at best and at worst...well, stupid again.

Your ad campaigns lately have looked like they've been art directed by Stevie Wonder. I'm a bit perplexed that after the showstopping creativity of Victoria Beckham stuffed in a bag, and Victoria Beckham popping her head out of bag, this is what you and your crack team have come up with.

Is this all part of your clever plan? Did you intentionally shoot an ad that was so inexplicably lame you knew you would get people talking more than you would had the ad been fabulous and ordinary?

Well, it worked.

fashion for all,
me

Right On Yale University! Smart People Watch The Hills Too

Dear Yale University Organizer of the "Largest gathering of people dressed as the Hills' Lauren Conrad,"***

You are a motherfucking genius. Honest to blog.

Hugs and kisses from your biggest fan,
Moi

Aren't Supermodels Not Supposed To Look Like 12-Year-Old Boys, Perez Hilton?

photo: Chris Peterson via Buzz Foto (via Perez Hilton)

Dear Perez,***

I was a smidge surprised when Vogue Magazine named Agyness Deyn one of the world's next supermodels last May. But, OK whatevs--diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

But today you're telling me that based on Aggy's "fresh looks" in the photo above she serves as "a muse to us all!"

Reee-ally?

I think she kind of looks like she (unsuccessfully) raided Duckie's closet from Pretty In Pink on her way to a Depeche Mode concert in 1986. Dude, if this is your muse, then that might explain your tragic run in with pink hair.

I still love you long time,
Me

I Thought Jail Was Only For Socialites and Pantyless Actresses, Naomi Campbell

Dear Naomi,*

I totally cut you some slack a few years back over the whole assistant mishap, becase HELLO. We've all been there. I've had 4 assistants myself and though I didn't follow your lead with the phone beatdown, I did beat two of them over the head with a grill pan and a third with a particularly thick September Bazaar (the 4th one was deported), so buh-lieve me, I know its hard to find good help these days. True, when you threatened to throw your next assistant out of a moving vehicle, I did think that *may* have been a bit over the top, but since you didn't actually go through with it, I thought "hmm...aint no thang." It's haaard being a supermodel, after all.

I was pretty impressed (in a big sister torture kinda way) with how you made Tyra Banks' life a living hell when she was younger. If we're all being truthful, I think most of us would admit to fantasizing about how we might torture Tyra ourselves if given the chance. But you eventually stepped up to the plate on her show and that made me completely forget about how you tried to beat your next assistant silly with a Blackberry Pearl.

But hold the phone, sista (no pun intended). On the CNN crawl during Anderson Cooper 360, I just saw that you've just been arrested a-g-a-i-n for flipping the fuck out at Heathrow Airport and spitting in a police officer's face after one of your bags was lost.

Noni, you've gots to chill out girl...for realz. Aside from these bi-monthly beatdowns, you have nothing going on, and therein lies the crux of your problem. You've gots to stay busy, girl. Heidi has Project Runway, Nikki has Make Me a Supermodel, Tyra has America's Next Top Model, Janice had her own freakin' modeling agency and all you've got is a bail bondsman. Elizabeth-freakin-Berkley has her own show! Which of these ex-supermodels is NOT like the others? Get yourself a crappy reality show already. What the Christ is wrong with you??

Talk to your agent. Seriously.

Tsk Tsk,
Me

Don't Listen to Anyone But Yourself, Jamie Lynn Spears!

photo: eonline.com

Dear Jamie Lynn,*

I was sooo happy to hear that you and your baby daddy got engaged! I can't say that I'm surprised. I mean, obvs you have a good head on your shoulders. Just because you guys are 16, that doesn't mean that you can't make it work. I can totally see that you and Casey are TLF, so back off all you haters!

And I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're going to be a great mom! With Brit Brit and Lynne as role models, there's no way you can go wrong. It makes me so angry when people say things like your kid is going to end up in rehab or in a sex video. I mean, WTF!?

This whole prenup thing is just ridick--I totally agree with you! When you have something as special as the love you and Casey share, there is NO reason to bother with any of that stupid stuff. When you guys say "I do," its sooo going to be 4 eva ;)

Jamie Lynn
+ Casey
2 Getha
4 Eva

Kisses,
Me

I Hate You Skinny Jeans

Dear Skinny Jeans Designer,**
I don't know who you are, where you live or what your religious beliefs are, but I do know for absolute sure that you really, really suck.

I think that you probably knew good and well that your stupid skinny jeans would only look good on 1 in every 500 women, and I think that you probably didn't care. I think you probably look horrible in skinny jeans yourself. I think you are ugly...and dumb too.

Well, ok--not dumb. You can't possibly be dumb because you've managed to convince thousands of smart, reasonable, college educated women that they should slither their chubby legs into skin-tight, dark wash, $200 sausage casings and then go out into public. That's actually kinda smart--but also kinda evil.

Well, joke's on you bub! According to the Daily Mail, Skinny jeans are O-V-E-R...at least in London. And if they're over in Europe, then they will soon be over here. And let's just say it better happen fast. I'm dreaming of the day I can burn my own fucking skinny jeans. Yes, I actually bought a pair, you SOB.

Screw Off,
Me