LiveBlogging The Post Presidential Debate: It Doesn't Get Any Edgier Than This

Dear Everyone, ***

So, like yeah. That Presidential Debate town hall thingy meeting just happened. I live twittered it, but like that's old news already.

Everyone was live twittering or live blogging, and I'm so all about bucking the trends and blazing a trail. So FUCK that!

Here's my liveblog of the POST Debate. That's right bitches...you go pre, I go post.

It's just that simple (I was watching CNN...duh):

10: 30: Hello Anderson Cooper...where you been all my life. He's super sexy, gay or no. And he's wearing this adorable pin striped suit! Hugo Boss maybe?

10:31: Yo, its the CNN panel. And YESSS, Campbell Brown is back. Her lip gloss is gorge!

10:32: Obama is still shaking everyone's hands...McCain bounced immediately after the debate was over. Guess who cares the most about the American people, bitches.

10:33: David Gergen has a funny name. Tee hee. Gergen, Gergen, Gergen.

10:33: Did Obama just sign someone's tits with a sharpie?

10:33: I think Paul Begala is wearing a Live Strong bracelet. WTF? That's so election 2004.

10:34: Jeffrey Toobin is kind of annoying...he's like a peg or two below Lou Dobbs.

10:34: Castellanos: dude are you sure you're a Republican? He gave the debate to Obama. Also he was like the only one who was really taking this CNN HD points system seriously...everyone else was asleep at the wheel. And, I'm totally digging the stache.

10:38: James Carville is folksy.

10:42: Everyone universally HATED McCain's "that one" line...also thinks the dude was remiss in leaving early

10:45: Suzanne (Suzahn) Malveaux likes that its hard to say her name (kidding: just checking to see if you are paying attention, bbs). She concurs on the "that one" gaffe.

10:46: Seems everyone is pretty clear that Obama won the debate. BOO YA!

10:47: uhm, John King is the numbers dude on CNN...i.e. the one who is always playing with the electoral map and all of the scenarios and he just said: "numbers are not my strong suit"...ohhhkaaay.

10:48: James Carville re the election: "Call the dogs in, wet the fire and leave the house, the hunt's ovah."

10:48: Carville's joke KILLED. McCain would have given: one of his houses, two of his cars and his adopted daughter for even a tiny taste of that type of laughter tonight. Hi-Lair

10:49: Anderson Cooper is still laughing at Carville's joke...and also he's still hawt.

10:49: I think Paul Begala and James Carville are BFF...or in lurv. Jus sayin.

10:50: Town Hall format = thumbs down from the peanut gallery.

10:50: Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

10:50: HA: "Goodies!" McCain said "goodies"a few times. LOL

10:51: Stop undressing me with your eyes, Campbell Brown.

10:52: I'm kind of bored, bbs. I'm going to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta (woot!).

debate the debate (its totally jingoistic),
mi

Goshdarnit! I Guess This Whole Economy Thingy Rully Is Falling Apart. Say It Aint So, Jim Cramer

Dear crazy, mixed-up world, ***

Goddammit, is this dude off his meds, or what?

I'd say that when we've reached the point where Jim Cramer [JIM FUCKING CRAMER, "MAD MONEY"YO!] is showin up on TV looking all scared and fidgety and telling us to get the eff out of the stock market if we have any need whatsoever to use our money in the next five years, we've probably hit bottom.

Shit.

Fuck all that stuff I said about Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel being back together meaning that we're gonna make it through this all (THOUGH, they were seen again together at SNL last weekend! Woot!)...we're totally screwed no matter what.

And ur tellin me there are STILL people out there who are NOT planning on voting for Obama?! Like, for realz?

fight the power (and debate the debate: 2nd Presidential debate tonight at 9pm...I'll be live twittering as per u),
me

I Think Punching Michael Lohan In His Fucking Face MIGHT Actually Be Worth $5000

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy shitballs, you guyz!

For the totally reasonable price of $5 gee's, I could win an opp to punch Michael Lohan right in his fat motherfucking face.

Is it kind of crazy that I'm maybe, sorta considering it?

He's doing some ridick charity fundraiser on "lawng guy-land" called Fight For Charity, and for $5000 you can bid to fight him. Like really fight him.

But like also there is some kind of interview/height/weight requirements I would need to meet before we could actually go at it in the ring [sidenote: how fucking embarassing would it be to get rejected from a Michael Lohan throwdown b/c I had too much junk in my trunk. Yeah. Don't answer that].

Who am I kidding.

I mean, the dude is the world's worst father, but also Kevin Federline also already declined to participate...I'm not picking up KFed's sloppy seconds.

Even for an opp to punch LezLo's daddy.

Oh, also I'm a total fucking wimp.

So, forget it.

give peace a chance,
mi

The Hills, S4: 9 - Imagine That All Of The Brain Cells You've Lost Watching The Hills Weren't Really Lost

Dear Everyone, ***

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a place with beautiful swaying palm trees, gorgeous hotties, slick cars, sunshine and posh, overpriced stores...we'll call it the land of La. Now imagine that you live in this place with all of your bestest friends, and you all hang out all the time, do nothing but spend your mommy and daddy's money, and basically enjoy being the bestest of friends that best friends could be, cuz really: there is nothing like a best friend.

[keep your eyes closed]

Isn't that just beautiful?

[still keep em closed]

BFF's 4 Eva, right?

Now on the count of three, open up your eyes and look at straight at your computer monitor. Get in real close and don't look anywhere but here.

1.......2......and.....THREE:

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shit.

It wasn't all a dream after all.

Thus we have last night's deep, penetrating premise of an ep of The Hills: imagine if Heidi had never met Spencer.

Apropos of the end of the universe, John Lennon got us all to "Imagine" way back when, and Spencer Pratt is obvies the one to quash all "imagining" right in its friggin ball sack.

Indeed.

If Heidi had never met Spence then: LC and Heidi would still be BFF, Audrina would still be a no one sitting out by her pool, we would have no fucking clue who on earth Lo was b/c she would be totally un-needed for the story, Brody would either be LC's fiance or not in the pic at all, Doug would still be the burrioto king, Frankie would still be pointless, Whit would still be boring as all get out, and Holly would probs be the third BFF in LC and Heidi's BFF triumvirate.

Wowzers...now wonder Holly is so into this idea!

In other earth shattering developments: Audrina is not giving anyone else a chance...not even a hot little cutietard she met named Collin who was totally into buttering her buns. Nah, dawg...ya see she just wanted to talk about JustinBobby the whole night and she was really just going out with him to make JB jealous in the first place, so Collin was all: "fuck off, beyotch"...or something like that.

The best was, when Audrina goes to tell JustinBobby (in a roundabout way, mind you...this IS Audrina after all) that she went out on a date with some other dude but basically couldn't concentrate b/c she was obsessing over JB the whole time, JustinBobby, in some brilliant mind meld move, manages to turn the whole thing around into officially giving himself permission to date other bitches.

Totally. Fucking. Brilliant.

But in the biggest news of the fucking night, Heidi gave Dear Famous Asshole a shoutout!

YES, BITCHES...its true!

She wrote LC a letter! I mean, so its not technically an actual shoutout, but we write letters here...and she wrote a letter there on TV...and VP candidates now give shoutouts, soooo....yeah. Kinda!

Here's a transcript of the letter:

Lauren, **
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I'm so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things didn't turn out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Sincerely,
Heidi Montag

[sniff]

[Is anyone now thinking that Heidi is sort of better at stringing together sentences than Sarah Palin? Le sigh].

The whole thing was pretty sad...and was completely brought about becuz Heidi's sister Holly totally overstated LC's missingness of Heidi and made her feel like she had a snowball's chance in hell of mending her best friendship, when really she so didn't.

And we all know why. We all KNOW why Heidi and LC can never, ever, ever, never be BFF's again:

SPENCER.

[duh].

He's ruined everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He's ruined Heidi's life...he's ruined Holly's life (as it looks like she's about to get thrown out of their apt), he's ruined LC's life and taken away her BFF, he ruined Heidi's mom Darlene's life, he ruined Brody's life, Frankie's life and shit, probably Doug's life too. Oh yeah...and me. He's ruined my life as well.

So, yet again, we're here: Fuck you, Spencer. You're a stupid fucking fuck.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

Back Off Bias...Michael Cera Is My Boyfriend

Dear Michael Cera, ***

Ok, so yes, I do write a blog called Dear Famous Asshole.

And yes, perhaps I can (at times) be not so nice to fame ass people on this blog who may not necessarily deserve it.

So, I guess I have no right whatsoever to get pissed over the fact that people are now launching a Michael Cera backlash.

But still.

WTF, my bbs?

Fuck it.

I'm fucking pissed anyway.

I mean, frankly, you're so goddammed cute its retarded.

Also I saw Nick and Norah's Infiinite Playlist this weekend, and despite early whining from the critics, it was totally j'adorable (anyone who saw it and didn't think it was 100% j'adore to the max is either: so tragically hip I don't care what they have to say; an emotional zombie; a frat boy meathead who got dragged to the movie by some chick and shouldn't have been there in the first place).

And so now everyone is talking about the fact that you are a one trick pony and you keep playing the same character and yadda, yadda, yadda. And I don't disagree that it would be rad to see you branch out a bit and try some other types of roles. BUT, and this is a big but, I also sort of feel like so the fuck what!?

I mean, who are we really kidding here?? Aren't most actors making bazillions of dollars playing variations of the same roles in most of the movies they do? Angelina Jolie is usually the tough, kick ass bitch, George Clooney is usually the suave but lonely hero, Penelope Cruz is usually the fiery, misunderstood vamp. I mean, yeah...of course there are exceptions of actors breaking out and trying new things, but I think most people end up doing similar roles because:

a. that's what they're good at
b. that's what fans want to see them in

So basically, I think that everyone really needs to STFU about you.

You are so not over.

You are a motherfucking rockstar...and everyone who doesn't think so can eat it.

you know you want,
mi

p.s. I just read that you are starring in the film version of one of my favorite books on the planet: Youth In Revolt by C.D. Payne. You are soooo my boyfriend it's not even funny.

'Famous Person' Totally Thought Sarah Palin Swept the Veep Debate...So Famous Person Must Be Right!

Dear Everyone, ***

Did you hear!?

Governor Sarah Palin t-o-t-a-l-l-y won the Vice Presidential debate with Senator Joe Biden last Thurs. FAMOUS PERSON said so!

John McCain's campaign released the above ad late last week.

"She killed. It was her evening. She was a star."

Yep, that's what famous person thought of all the action, and I don't know about you l00zers, but I happen to rully, rully trust famous person!

Famous person is like totally in touch with needs of our nation and obvies is really looking out for us all, so if famous person thinks Sarah Palin won, then famous person must be right!

Thanks gawd we've gots famous person to tell us where its at!

Only hitch is, there's lots of other famous persons who totally support Obama, like:
*Bruce Springsteen
*Billy Joel
*ScarJo
*LezLo
*Jennifer Aniston
*Robert DeNiro
*Chris Rock
*George Clooney
*Ben Affleck
*Oprah

So, for some chump like me...who basically just likes to listen to famous people and make all my decisions based on what they think is right or wrong, John McCain and Failin Palin are gonna need to step up their game and either identify this famous person once-n-for all, OR get themselves someone more A list then Wilford Brimley.

Fame ass does not = famous.

Jus sayin,
mee

Q: Is It OK To Call Someone A "Fatty Melt?" A: Uhm...No

Dear My Fat Ass, *

Behold the hottness.

Can you even handle it?

No, of course not.

You can't handle it, you stupid fucking fuck becuz you're too busy thinking about this:

A hamburger with TWO grilled cheese sandwiches as a bun.

This sandwich is called the "Fatty Melt." Which is, appropriately, exactly what I feel like right now after trying to shove you into a pair of jeans that a few short months ago were declared "loose" by a kind neighbor who had noticed some junk in the trunk shrinkage on your part.

But you overheard her, didn't you. And there ain't no quicker way to get you to start packing on the poundage than to allow an actual, ginuine compliment to cross your path.

Compliments = kryptonite.

[Sidenote: There was a Dateline a few years back where they enlisted people to be part of this social experiment. The deal was, either they needed to lose 15 pounds in two months, or they were going to appear on national TV in their bikini. That is EXACTLY the sort of motherfuckin motivation I need right now. Do it again, Dateline! Come AWN. If there are any Dateline producers out there, call me on my celly].

If the world were a fair and just place, I would look like Audrina in the pic above.

Alas, Sarah Palin is running for Vice President of the United States, Tom Cruise isn't starring in Top Gun 2 and these two douchetards are millionaires.

Alas, life sucks.

And then you die.
me

What's Next Sarah Palin? You Gonna Be 'Rollin Down The Street Smokin' Endo & Sippin On Gin-n-Juice'!?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

Please note: YOU DO NOT GIVE A MOTHERFUCKING 'SHOUTOUT' DURING A GODDAMMED VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE FREE WORLD.

Did Bristol tell you that that would be a good idea? Cuz it wasn't.

Also.

I don't want a Vice President who uses the phrase "awww man" before answering a simple question.

And the winking was way over the top.

oh my O'Biden,
me.

If You Don't Register To Vote, I Will Tag Your IP Address, Google Map Ur Ass, Hunt You Down And Then Punch You In The Fucking Face. HARD

Dear Everyone, ***

Is every last one of you bias registered to vote???

E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!!!?? (esp all of you whiny, Michael Phelps commenting assholes?)

Don't be a douchetard...go here and register: maps.google.com/vote.

"You can literally register to vote while you're pooping, if you have a laptop."

DO IT.

kthxbye,
m.e.

This Sarah Palin Chick Should Never, Ever, Ever Be Allowed Near The Friggin White House, Yo

Dear Sarah Palin, *

Q: What is the perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in

Good luck tonight at the Veep debates!

music makes the world go round,
mi

p.s. Please stop sending me facebook friend requests...its getting sad

This Time I Mean It: Will You Marry Me, Bo Burnham!?

Dear Bo, ***

I. Die.

You are so freakin adorable, I die.

I'm officially OB'd with your ass. Like in a really scary kind of a way.

And of course the moment I read about you...and how you were Judd Apatow's new golden boy, I decided immediately that I hated you. And that you were probably annoying and whiny and not even remotely funny (kinda like Pineapple Express).

But I was so totally wrong. Like Jim Cramer "buy Wachovia" sort of wrong.

Cause you are hilarious, and brilliant, and achingly adorable. And I think I just tried to lick my laptop screen during your youtube video.

And if you ever sang a song just for me, I would melt all over the floor and drip into a pool of wet, hot Bo Burnham love juice. And I would... [OH SORRY].

Uhm.

I'm back.

Anyway.

I love you.
(like a lot).

Jus sayin,
m.e.

Yesssssssss! Britney Spears Looks Fantastic! Fina-Fucking-LY!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

OH happy day!

You looked positively GORGE while visiting those kiddos in the Bronx.

Your hair!

Your makeup!

Truly. Lovely.

Yay for you (and phew for us!).

xoxo,
me

OHHHH...Sarah Palin Is A Fucking Genius! My Bad

Dear Everyone, ***

So, I saw the third part of the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric that aired last night. I watched the whole thing from start to finish, and all I can really say at this point is: WOW.

(.......)

(.......)

You don't exactly need to delve into "Colonel Mustard, with the knife, in the Library" type Clue shit in order to glean the fact that I think SP is a whiny, crazy, right-wing, bobble-headed freaky bitch. I mean, she's obvs dumb as dirt and honestly I think we're all enjoying the shit out of watching her stumble, stammer and generally fuck shit up for the McCain-iac and her party.

I love that her daughter is knocked up...and that she probs had an affair...and that her views on everything are so ridick and extreme, I don't feel one little iota of regret that I regularly post inflammatory shit about her and her and her daughter's baby daddy on my blog.

In fact, out of all the famous assholes in the world right now, she's mos def the ass-holiest for me.

But this one T-O-T-A-L-L-Y threw me for a friggin loopdy loop...and honestly, changes everything:

COURIC: And when it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read, before you were tapped for this, to stay informed and to understand the world?

PALIN: I've read most of them again with a great appreciation for the press for the media, I mean...

COURIC: Like what ones specifically? I'm curious that you...

PALIN: Um, all of 'em, any of 'em that um have been in front of me over all these years, um...

COURIC: Can you name any of them?

PALIN: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news too. Alaska isn't a foreign country where it's kind of suggested it seems like, wow how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, DC may be thinking and doing, when you live up there in Alaska. Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

ZOMGS, y'all! Sarah Palin reads EVERY newspaper and mag. Like in the whole wide world!

No wonder she gets confused about the fax here and there...she's got TMI runnin' around that adorable little head of hers!

She reads every single solitary newspaper and magazine in the whole universe!

How could she possibly be expected to remember:

*Time
*Newsweek
*The Economist
*The New Yorker
*Guns-n-Ammo
*Vanity Fair
*Popular Mechanics
*Men's Health
*Women's Health
*Bazaar
*Vogue
*Us Weekly
*Star
*OK!
*Wired
*Entertainment Weekly
*Allure
*Weight Watchers
*Martha Stewart Living
*In Style
*Modern Bride
*High Times
*Radar
*New York
*NJ Living
*Field & Stream
*Screenwriter
*The Hollywood Reporter
*Variety
*Forbes
*Food & Wine
*Woman's Day
*Ladies Home Journal
*Maxim
*Travel & Leisure
*Traditional HOme
*Car & Driver
*Popular Science
*Fortune
*Entrepreneur
*Elle
*Blender
*Metropolitan Home
*Sports Illustrated
*Smithsonian
*Essence
*Boating
*Cookie
*Parents
*Nylon
*Wallpaper
*Interview

OR

*New York Times
*New York Post
*New York Daily News
*Wall Street Journal
*Financial Times
*Washington Post
*Boston Herald
*Miami Herald
*Los Angeles Times
*USA Today
*Chicago Tribune
*Houston Chronicle
*Arizona Republic
*Newsday
*San Francisco Chronicle
*Dallas Morning News
*Newark Star-Ledger
*Philadelphia Inquirer
*Atlanta Journal-Constitution
*Minneapolis Star Tribune
*St. Petersburg Times
*Chicago Sun Times
*Telegraph
*Detroit Free Press
*Sacramento Bee

I mean, it all makes perfect sense now!

For serious, people.

You try it!

Try reading ALL of those newspapers and magazines in one day. Every single one of them. "All of 'em, any of 'em." And then try sitting down with a know-it-all newscaster like Katie Couric who is obvies just practiciing "gotcha Journalism" in order to stump you up. Then try to remember the answer to any fucking question on the planet!

ANY ONE OF EM'.

I dare you!

I double dawg dare you!

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, PEOPLE. COMPLETELY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.

How can someone who reads every single fucking last one of those newspapers and mags above be expected to:
a. Remember the name of any single one of those newspapers and mags above
b. Know the answers to questions relating to topics or issues discussed in any one of the newspapers or mags above.

Holy. Freakin. Ridiculousness! Right!?

RIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHTTT!?

Case closed.

Sarah Palin = Albert Einstein.

They're exactly the fucking same, people.

It's so obvious now.

knowledge is power,
woe is me

Who Cares If The Economy Is Collapsing!? It's Time For A Motherfuckin Bipartisan DANCEOFF!

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy. Fantabulousness: we've got another dance off on our hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check it.

It's a well known fact that I've pretty much been in a deep, dark funk since the M&M Cru robbed ACDC of their well earned and much deserved win in the biggest online Youtube dance battle in history. Mostly I was upset that ACDC was practically raped on live television with that bogus, douchetastical loss to Miley Cyrus & co, but also I was legitimately upset about the fact that the dance off was over.

Cause I like dance offs...like, a lot.

And needless to say, I'm not the kind of girl that often gets challenged to dance offs in my every day life...(very fucking annoying, but totally true).

And so it is with great pleasure that I present to you all: The FIRST EVER Election Dance Off!!

ACDC is BACK, but this time they've got the Dems v. the Reps in the craziest, full-throttle-est, no holds barred freak fest of a dance off to ever hit the Planet Urth.

BOO YA!

This shit is gonna make Mandy and Miley look like Cloris Leachman on Dancing With the Stars.

Anyway.

So, here's what you do: decide if you are dancing for the Obamanators or the McCain-iacs, get some chump to record you doing a kick ass dance routine, and then send in your vids to ibeatyou.com.

A winner will be crowned on election day, November 4th. So, its just like the real election, but way better!

I only had a really short time to pull something together, so this was the best I could do under the circumstances. I wanted to show all you bitches that I was taking this shit seriously, so I recorded myself dancing today on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

In case it's not clear by my outfit, obvs I'm on the Obamanators.

After watching this, I think you'll agree that the McCainiacs don't have a pork barrel's chance in hell.

You likey??



dance, dance, revolution,
meee

The Hills, S4: 8 - 'I Don't Get Uncomfortable, My Dear'

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm pretty sure tonight was the single stupidest ep of The Hills in like the history of the universe.

I sort of feel like I say that every week, but I really mean it this time.

I think its pretty safe to say that when I'm actually missing Lo, things have gotten just about as bad as they can get.

I mean, I'm literally sitting here feeling bad for Stephanie....and for Heidi's mom Darlene...and for Holly...and even for fucking Heidi. And I hate allll of them.

Here's what happened in 140 characters or less (easily Twitter-able): Doug pretended like he didn't like Steph (probs after they fucked), and Heidi's mom Darlene came to visit to try to break Spence & Heidi up. Fini.

Of course Heidi defended her superdouche BF until she was blue in the face; and of course everyone threw ShePratt under a bus b/c she's the show's new martyr, and eventhough the whole thing was mos def her fault, she used to be a drug addict and she's caught in the middle of Speidi & LC's fight and she has no friends, and blah, blah, fucking blah.

She'll probably show up next week pregnant with Doug's little burrito baby...eventhough they just went out for dinner and coffee.

So anyway, the story is: Doug didn't really even want to be friends with Steph, but he felt bad for her b/c she's like a lost little puppy. So he responded to her late night booty texts really just to be nice...cause he has no interest in for real getting involved with a basket case like that. But LC is pissed anyway...and so is Brody...and Frankie is probs mad too just by osmosis.

Darlene went out to "talk things out" with Spencer and ended up getting bitchslapped for daring to give a shit about her daughter Heidi in the first place. Cause Heidi belongs to Spencer now, and if he doesn't give a shit about her, NO ONE CAN.

Also Doug, the Burrito King, had a pool party and splashed Lauren and Whit when he cannonballed into his pool. Which was, actually, kind of funny.

Anyway.

I srsly miss Lo...I'm not kidding.

the rest is still unwritten,
please help m.e.

I Will Bet You $1.2 Trillion Dollars That Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel Are in Lurv Again

Dear Everyone, ***

During a day of horrendous fucking news to rival all horrendous fucking news...while I sit here and literally watch the remotest possibilities of my ass being able to retire before I'm in my seventies get flushed down the toilet like a dirty tampon...as my dog sits staring at me unsure if his designer, organic food is going to actually hit the bowl tonight after all (it did, duh), there was one little sliver of sunshiney deliciousness that made this day a touch less suicidal: Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are maybe back together.

I have no clue why I have somehow decided to pin the success of our nation on the positive or negative status of this relationship, but whatever.

I have.

And, so I have come to the following conclusion: If Sarah and Jimmy are legitimately back together, then everything will work itself out with the economy, the election, et al and we'll all be ok.

If they're not and this is somehow a huge misunderstanding, we're all fucked up the ass by a Haitian AIDS monkey.

No, this isn't exactly scientific, but also I'm probably right.

Sarah-n-Jimmy 2Getha 4eva (say it with me now).

L'shana Tova, bitches,
me

Jump A Jonas! A Jonas Brother WILL Get Fucked (If I Have Anything To Do With It)

Dear Everyone, ***

I present to you all: A call to Arms.

For serious.

I insist that every pair of eyeballs currently reading this shit, stand up and for once in your life, take some action! Do something! Contribute!

There is a radio station in Grand Rapids, Michigan that is offering $10,000 smackers to any man, woman or child that can prove penetration with either Kevin or Joe Jonas (for those of you with a hard on for curly top Nick Jonas...sorry. The dude is only 16, and that's what we like to call i-l-l-e-g-a-l round these parts).

It's the "Jump A Jonas" contest!

Fun!

Now, in order to collect your prize, you'll need to provide two pieces of proof, one of which needs to be a non-doctored video. I would suggest a Flip video camera, if you don't already own one. They're cheap, and super easy to hide in any standard pair of assless chaps or Dominatrix boots.

Now the other hitch is that you'll need to swipe the JoBro v-card with their consent. This point is key, as I guess the radio station doesn't want to be held responsible for a tween hearthrob rape (obvs).

I don't know about you, but I happen to think this contest is totally fucking awesome. In fact, I want to up this shit.

So here's the deal: If 104.5 WSNX actually does find some chump or chumpess who cops to getting a legit piece of JoBro ass, GET IN TOUCH WITH ME! If you can provide me with a pic of you doing something lewd and crude with a JoBro purity ring (JoBro needs to be in the pic too, people!), I'm willing to throw in an extra $500.

Word.

In case any of you bitches live in San Diego, I see that there is a Jonas Brothers concert coming up there on November 15th. You people are particularly well positioned to step up to the plate on this one.

For all you haters, you can go join the 18 other proJoBro l00zers in the STOP THE JUMP A JONAS CONTEST group on facebook. Or better yet, pony up your own hard earned cash in a counter contest: $25k to anyone who can prove they had an opp to fuck a JoBro and, instead, chose to stay chaste, for example. I don't know, figure it out for yourselves...I can't think of everything.

praise Jesus,
m.e.

Holy Fucking Fuck! Did McCain Say 'Horseshit' During The Presidential Debate??!!!

Dear Senator McCain, *

There is a lot of buzz goin around the dub dub dub right now regarding whether or not your ass actually said "horseshit" during your debate on Friday with Senator Obama.

Some people are sayin' that you said "course not," or "of course it is."

But, I've watched that vid eleven or twelve times so far, and I gotta say it really sounds like you busted out with a gin-u-ine "horseshit."

F-U-C-K.

See, that's like a waaaay biggger problem for me...though not for the reasons that you would expect.

I mean, I'm a college educated, Jewish white chick living in Brooklyn...so obvies I'm voting for Obama.

BUT (and this is a biggie), you might not have been aware of this but DearFamousAsshole.blogspot.com is one of the cursiest blogs on the motherfucking block!

We here at Dear Famous Asshole HQ pride ourselves in consistently representin' with the newest and latest curse combos, use of innovative, up-and-coming offensive language and an overall commitment to uncovering the best of the worst that the English language has to offer.

As such, I totally fucking dig the fact that you maybe said HORSESHIT during a goddammed presidential debate on live motherfucking TV in front of 90 million people! I mean, if that shit is true, you might actually be my hero. And like, I t-o-t-a-l-l-y can't handle that.

So, I'm gonna go ahead and take Andrew Sullivan's analysis at face value, and go back to believin that you said "course not."

This way, you can keep your Jesus-lovin constituents happy believin that a Gawd fearin man like yourself would never utter an untoward word on national fucking TV, and I can go back to hatin your ass as per u, and talkin about Sarah Palin's kids probably snortin lines and most likely having freaky midget sex.

Phew!

Obama for Prez,
me.

Britney Spears New Track Womanizer Makes Me Feel Like Watching The Presidential Debate!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I really wanted to avoid any additional updates today in order to keep us all focused on the task at hand: praying that McCain fucks up colosally on tonight's debates (please, please, pretty please, Gawd!)

But, I didn't count on Brit Brit's single Womanizer dropping...cause that's just the sort of shit that simply can't be ignored.

Here's what I think:

Ok, maybe I'm just not used to hearing Britney's singing voice b/c its been so long...or maybe I'm just generally in a bad mood b/c my 401 is currently bleeding love, but as much as I want to love the shit out of this song, I kinda don't.

Le sigh.

I've already established that my musical taste pretty much sucks, so the bar is v. low already (just want to make sure no one is gonna accuse me of being a snobby, indie music devotee with ridiculously high standards. Never forget: I LOVED SoulDecision).

Was Brit's voice always this low and I just didn't notice? Me no likey. I def think she sounds her best in the song during the bridge when she's actually singing, as opposed to her breathy talking.

Having said that, I do admit that the tune is kinda catchy. I think I need to go listen to it 17 times in a row and see how I feel after that.

I'll report back.

boy don't try to front,
me.

UPDATE: I like it! Like really a lot! And it only took 6 listens...WOO HOO!

How Many Presidential Candidates Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Debate The Debate

Dear Everyone, ***

So, the first Presidential Debate is maybe, possibly, going to to happen tonight at 9pm. And if it does, I'm gonna be liveblogging it for your ass along with some other bloggers.

Come on over to We Op-Ed to check out the fun.

Also, you bitches can participate in this shit too! Current TV and Twitter has teamed up for "Hack the Debate," which will allow you to have your live Twitter posts superimposed on top of all the action.

Cuil!

And here's some more Twitter-iffic election stuff too.

Rock the vote,
me