Friday, August 29, 2008

Eff. Cancer: Stand Up 2 Cancer Right NOW

Dear Everyone, ***

Allow me to put my snarky, cussy, know-it-all, pop culture toolbox down for one hot minute in order to tell all ya'll something kinda personal: I fucking hate Cancer.

Like a lot.

I mean, obvies right...who likes Cancer?


But I mean I really, truly, madly, deeply hate it.

True confessions: my mom had cancer...and then died. At fifty fucking five years old.

It happened a year and a half ago, and I'm still pretty freaking sad about it....and pretty much always will be, I think.

And there are 5 other people in my family who are, right now at this very minute, dealing with different forms of Cancer. And I know dozens more. In fact, I would be shocked if I knew anyone on this whole motherfucking planet who HASN'T had to deal with cancer in some way shape or form.

And that pisses me off.

And makes me want to do something.

But nobody knows who the frig I am...or gives a shit what I have to say. So thankfully, a whole star-studded group of genuinely famous and legitimately cool mofos got together and are doing something way cooler than anything I ever could have dreamed of: Stand Up 2 Cancer.

And this shit is gonna rock...h-a-r-d.

In one week from today, on Friday, September 5 at 8pm, just about anyone who has ever been splashed across the pages of Us Weekly, is going to join together for one night of eff cancer mayhem. ABC, CBS & NBC are simulcasting the whole tricked out shebang with the hope that awareness will be raised...and millions of benjis, too.

Producer Laura Ziskin, a cancer survivor herself, said this about the event: "There will be laughter. There will be tears. And you'll learn something about how we can turn the outcome of this disease if we just set our minds to it."


Here's just a teeny tiny shrimp puff of a taste of all of the starz that are gonna be there:
*Jennifer Aniston
*Scarlett Johansson
*Charlize Theron
*Sheryl Crow
*Ellen DeGeneres
*Jack Black
*Rob Lowe
*Jessica Alba
*Carrie Underwood
*Lance Armstrong
*Halle Berry
*Jennifer Garner
*Christina Applegate

And if you call in to make a donation, word on the street is that some of these superstars are actually going to be manning the phones.

OH, and also...check this shit out: This little blurb that I wrote about my mom Marcia (and submitted through the Stand Up 2 Cancer facebook app) is being read ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOW! Probably by Jennifer Aniston! or J Lo! or Tom "I heart Scientology" fucking Cruise!

And they're putting my picture up on some huge jumbotron, uhm...that's kinda cool.

In the meantime, here's a whole list of shit you can do if you want to join me and Stand Up:
*Donate to Stand Up 2 Cancer (duh)
*Donate to me and my brother and sister who are doing a Multiple Myeloma Race For Research 5k walk in Washington DC on Nov 9
*Send in a video or video response like the awesome one above. Tara from When Tara Met Blog put this together with a bunch of other bloggers, and I think it seriously rocks.
*Buy yourself access to some seriously cool Celeb events on ebay, so all your money can go toward Stand Up 2 Cancer
*Host a Stand Up 2 Cancer viewing party and raise some dough
*write about Stand Up 2 Cancer on your blog
*Chance your facebook or Twitter status on Sept 5 to read: Stand Up 2 Cancer to show your support.

Anyway, bottom line: we all need to stand the fuck up, so let's.

me (the real one)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Miley Cyrus 'Peeny'-Bopper Candy...Good To The Last Drop

Dear Miley, ***

Oh, Hai.

So I don't know that much about how this whole Hollywood, juggernaut thingy works, but I would guess at this stage of the game you probs have a whole team of people who just sit around brainstorming ideas about further ways to merchandise your ass.

And considering you're more famous than Jesus Christ now, obvies you guys would have all the basics handled like lunchboxes, notebooks, tshirts, books, scuba gear, etc.

But, like also, you're not just a TV star anymore. You had that whole Hannah Montana concert movie that made a bajillion dollars and now you do real concerts too.

So like, OF COURSE, one of your "people" was probably sitting around with another one of your "people"...gettin' high and brainstorming...and someone came up with the brilliant idea of doing Hannah Montana Candy.

Cause, of course, kids will come to the Hannah Montana concert, buy the Hannah Montana tee and the Hannah Montana lunchbox and then they'd be sitting in their seat all hungry-n-shit and be like "Mom...I WANT SOME HANNAH MONTANA CANDY! PLEEEEEASSE!"


Fucking, genius.

I mean kids love candy....and always want something to eat at why the fuck not?

So someone probably pitched the idea, and researched manufacturers, and taste tested flavors and the whole nine yards. This could have been going on for months...or maybe years! And finally, (HOORAY!), after all the hard work, and planning, and strategizing, Hannah Montana sweet and sour candy is here!

Oh, uhm...but the only hitch is: your candy looks exactly like big, hard hairy cocks.


Well, at least this will serve as a good distraction for peeps should a whole new round of SeXXy Miley iphone pics surface today!

best of both worlds, indeed

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Six Days Till The Gossip Girl Premiere Drops, Bitches!

Dear Everyone, ***

Fuck the Olympics and Michael Phelps.

Fuck Big Brother and all their horny contestants.

Fuck 90210 2.0...and that new American Idol judge bitch.

Fuck all those cute viral cat vids....and Fuck the long awaited and very much anticipated end of the motherfucking summer.

Because its almost time for the big boys to come out and play, and I for one am locked and loaded, bitches.

Gossip Girl
returns next Monday night, Sept. 1 at 8pm on the CW...and if you don't already have your DVR set, please get the fuck off this blog right the fuck now, and don't ever click your ass across the interweb in my direction again.

Goddammit, I almost need a cigarette after watching this preview above. I wasn't even bothered by the fact that Chuck Bass seems to be taking fashion cues from Samantha Ronson or that Serena and Dan are apparently not reunited within the first 48 seconds of the show (all in due time, my pretties).


The ep looks pretty damn ferosh. And, of course, my new fave line of the season (natch): "Damn that Mother-Chucker."

Ok... I'm off to go jerk off to the sound of Kristin Bell's voice.

You know you love,

p.s. HA!

Heidi Montag's 'Overdosin' Video Makes My Eyeballs Bleed

Dear Heidi, *

Fuck it.

You've won.

I totally give up.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Hills, S4:2 - 'It's Like Trying To Tell Iran And Israel To Get Along'

Dear Everyone, ***

Oh MY GAH, Bitches...Happy bday Steph!

I can't wait till its LC's bday next week...and then like Whitney's the week after that...and then Heidi's...and then Doug's. How the fuck does someone have a birthday every fucking week on this motherfucking show?


Top Developments:

  • After LC totally ignored Doug's ass last week at Audrina's bday party, they've since totally taken things to the next level and are now like TLF.
  • Kelly Cutrone literally looks like "Night of the Living Dead."
  • Lo and Audrina are still like mortal fucking frenemies (and Lo is still rockin' the side bangs like nobody's biz).
Best fucking moment of the ep: Spencer & Heidi walking into She Pratt's burfday party with a dozen freaking helium balloons as everyone else looks on in sheer terror.

Needless to say, no one was happy to see their asses...including the birthday gurl.

So, first Brody and Frankie bounce...then LC and Skee LO bounce...and then there were three.

The next day Spencer lays it all on the line and tells Stephanie that its LC or him. Also he drops this little gem right on She Pratt's motherfucking face: "I can't make you "un" my sister."

Whoa. I'm t-o-t-a-l-l-y stealing that.

That weird bitch Jessica got fired from People's Revolution, so now Whit is poised to take over the universe. Go, Whit!

And r'uh r'oh. She Pratt promised LC that Speidi were not gonna come to her bday, and then they DID! So like maybe she shouldn't be trusted?

I don't know!?...and neither does LC.


"the rest is still unwritten,"

George Bush to Diddy: 'Tighten Up Your Belt, Homes...It's Gonna Be One, Bumpy Motherfuckin Ride'

Dear President Bush, *

Our oil crisis has officially reached critical motherfucking mass.

Unemployment is ticking up, the real estate market is in the shitter, my friggin 401k lost money for like the first time since Nam, and now THIS!?

Diddy. Flys. Commercial.

(Yeah, I know). You might wanna let that shit marinate in your brain for a minute or two.

Can you spell C-R-I-S-I-S?

I mean, you don't have to be David fucking Blaine to figure out that this shit means its gotten just about as bad as it can possibly get.

Check out this goddammed math, Mr. Prez:

2 flights r/t from NY to LA on Diddy's jetstream per month = $250,000 x 2 = $500,000!

Amount of time Diddy spends vlogging per month = 72 hours

Divided by amount of time Kanye West spends blogging = 3.14 kilocalories

Well...whatever. It's an insanely complicated equation, ohkay? But the take away is actually really pretty simple G dub: if we live in a world where P fucking Diddy can't afford to fly his own jet around the friendly skies without taking out a cash advance on his paycheck, we live in a pretty fucked up motherfucking world.

American Airlines, son!

I mean, Moses had the parting of the Red Sea and now we've got this.

It's obvies time for some major change.

(jus sayin)

It's not easy bein' green,

Monday, August 25, 2008

It's Official: Chad From Bravo's 'Million Dollar Listing' Is Like A Way Bigger Douche Than Spencer Pratt Could Ever Hope 2 Be

Dear Chad from Million Dollar Listing, *

I owe you a huge, Portobello mushroom-sized thank you! A Shitaki, kawasaki Merci! A Porcini Fellini grande Gracias!

Here's why: for the first time in the history of my ongoing obsession with reality TV, I've F-I-N-A-L-L-Y found a dude that I hate more than Spencer from The Hills...and its YOU!!


This has sort of been like a major development in my little corner of the dub dub dub, so true confessions: its kind of exciting!

I mean, I've already invested quite a bit of time in my Spencer Pratt hatred, but even with the premiere of the new season of The Hills last week, it's still been feeling a bit stale lately. Like, we just haven't been connecting the same way we used to.

And that's why, just a few minutes into the Million Dollar Listing premiere a few weeks ago, I knew that you and I would have something rully, rully special goin' on.

Of course, I'm not the first one to notice that you're a totally colossal douche (and something tells me, I won't be the last, LOL!), but still it feels exhilirating and brand new in like a really meaningful sort of a way, ya know?

So, in an effort to just get everything out on the table, here are my top 5 fave things about you that I love to hate:

  1. Your manorexia & fake spirituality - This extra video footage from was like hitting fucking paydirt! We learned that you go to Erewhon in LA to "chill out" at the Chinese Elixir Bar with "Mr. Truth" (uhm, Erewhon is a supermarket for anyone whose never been to LA), and also that you did the Master Cleanse for 50 days last year. Five Oh!? For 50 days you "ate" nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Oh, uhm, but NOT for weight was all about your spiritual journey! LOVE
  2. Your hair - Duh. You've got a freaking mushroom cloud that could give Nagasaki a run for its money, yo. And perhaps my fave scene thus far came in ep two when your own hairdresser was like " kinda look like a moron." And you were all "nah, nah, bro...this is how we're gonna work it." Then you grabbed the hairspray and went to town and, like all was good in the hood again. One Love.
  3. Your idiotic "gorgeous" girlfriend - Cause, uhm, it's like pretty obvs that you're totally gay. And that girl is like what, 16? And your obvies just dating her so that you can sneak into the bathroom and use her make-up-n-shit.
  4. Your Daddy Issues - Waaa, Waaa, "my daddy never loved me, blah, blah"...SHUT IT. "I do all of this in an effort to seek his approval." Awww (cue the violins). Poor widdle bitty Chaddy cakes :(
  5. Your insane and uncontollable jealousy toward Josh Flagg - Now, don't get me wrong, Josh Flagg seems like quite a douchtard himself. But also he's only 21, AND unlike you, at least exhibits some occasional moments of intelligence (i.e. how he confessed that he likes to work all his gram's rich friends for listings when they die). Your whole "Ron Richards" ridiculousness when you refused to show J Flagg the condo was so over the top pathetic, I literally had to be held back from spitting at my flatscreen. Like, literally.
So as you can see, Chad, I pretty much hate your ass more than Jessica Simpson hates Carrie Underwood right now.

And, boy does it feel good.

Your Bu,

WTF? Cupless Bras = Stupidest Lingerie Invention Since Those Invisible Bra "Stickers" That Also Do Absolutely Nothing

Dear My boobs, **

Uhm. Yeah.

So sorry, but you need to let this whole open cup bra trend situation pass you right the fuck on by.

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200 benjis.


Friday, August 22, 2008

Jennifer Lopez To Michael Phelps: FUCK YOU, Playa!

Dear JLo, **

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

In fact, "I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"

For realzy.

I heard about your interview the other day on GMA...i guess your ass is training for the Malibu Triathalon! Only six months after giving birth to your twinsies! AND NOBODY'S FUCKING NOTICED!? WTF!?

"Lopez, who appeared on "Good Morning America" Aug. 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon, was overheard saying after the segment that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a GMA source. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”
You know what,'re right!

First of all: Michael Phelps is a total asshole douchebag. He can take his eight Olympic gold medals, his 3 egg-n-cheeses on a roll for breakfast, and his goddammed frosted flakes, and shove em' all straight down his little swim trunks.


Second of all: You're a Grammy winning, hit-song singin,' baby mama hottie! You fucked Ben Affleck...and Diddy! You're Jenny From the Block, yo!

As far as I'm concerned, NBC should yank all this motherfuckin' Olympic coverage right the fuck now, and switch over to an all Jenny all-the-time slate of programming.

I mean, I wanna see your ass in the pool doin' laps! I want to see you out on the beach, running in a bikini! I wanna see you in your cute ass little bike helmet and those hott, hott little bike shorts as you ride down the PCH with Emme and Max in those little baby seats on the back!

WHO CARES about that stupid, dumb, douchey swimmer!? Or the boring, lame ass Olympics!? Not ME motherfuckers!!!!

I am so not fooled by the rocks that you got, bia.

See u on race day!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Gwen Stefani Popped Her Poodle: Zoinks, It's a Baby Zuma!

Dear Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, *?

Unless you can skip way ahead in school and get your ass in class with Apple, you're pretty much fucked.

Welcome to the jungle,

p.s. you're a boy!? Ok, wow...

'Pour Some Sugar on Me,' Michael Phelps...Frosted Flakes Taste Way Better Than Wheaties (Obvs)

Dear Michael Phelps, ***

So, like a few people are pretty pissed off at your ass over the fact that you chose to grace the box of sugary sweet, not a vitamin in sight Frosted Flakes, over the fiber-rich, vitamin fortified, disgusting tasting Wheaties.

Apparently Frosted Flakes has 3x the amount of sugar and 1/3 of the fiber that Wheaties does, or some shit like that, and everyone is concerned about the message this will send to all the kids who'll be worshipping the ground you walk on post Olympics.

Uhm, what's the prob people??

Of course this sends a message to kids!

And the message is this: SUGAR TASTES VERY FUCKING GOOD!


And, also the message is probs a little bit this: If you eat Frosted Flakes, you rule (and could totally be a future Olympic athlete) and if you eat Wheaties, you're a pathetic loser (who probably can't even make the team).

I for one say, thank you, Michael Phelps, for pointing out this very obvious shit to some very clueless people.

Now as a public service to all my bias, I decided to take my ass straight out to Key Food and purchase a box of Frosted Flakes AND a box of Wheaties so that I could perform a scientific taste test in my own kitchen and decide once and for all, who's in the right here.

As suspected, the test results were as follows:

Frosted Flakes = completely fucking delicious (ate two bowls)
Wheaties = a tastebud abortion (could not eat more than two bites)

It's hard to argue with the truth, people.

Anyway, Mikey, I'm really starting to think that you and I should totally get together for breakfast!

Fuck fiber,

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

If Scarlett Johansson Is Your Fave White Girl, Kanye West, Where The Eff Does That Leave Me??

Dear Kanye, ***


Here's a question for you: how the hell do you think it made me feel when I surfed and turfed on over to Kanye universe city dot com today, only to discover that you have publicly declared Scarlett Johansson your "favorite white girl."

Answer: Like this chick did when Lily Allen punched her in the fucking face three times.

Basically, I'm bleeding love all over my macbook.

Your use of seven (!!!!!!!) exclamation points, did not do much in assuaging the Darfur-like pain shooting straight through my motherfucking heart as I clicked my ass through SIX pages of Scarlett Johannson photos. S-I-X pages, Yeez!?

You've got naughty Scarlett, sexy Scarlett, demure Scarlett, naked Scarlett, varsity letter Scarlett, rockstar Scarlett, nerdy Scarlett, Audrey Hepburn Scarlett, bikini Scarlett...can you say "overkill"?

And like what's so freakin' special about ScarJo anyway? I mean, I guess if you're into shit like a kick ass bod, a gorgeous face, an unbelievable rack or bee stung lips, she's OK, but way to be shallow, dude.

I admit, I've been totally lax in doing my weekly Kanye parses, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still 100% committed to the BeKanye way. And, also, like I thought we had something really special going?

This Scarlett thing just really threw me off tho, cause like there ain't no white girl that's whiter than I am.

I demand a recount, Yeez...don't count my ass out so fast.

caucasian persuasion,

Heidi Montag, No One Has EVER, In Like The History of Ever, Made 'Overdosin' Look So Good

Dear Heidi, *

I do not have very sophisticated musical taste.

In fact, I've often been accused of having the the musical predilection of a 15-year-old girl.

I love Justin Timberlake and Mariah.

Nelly Furtado (new Nelly, not the old crap).

I like that Katy Perry Song...and kinda don't hate the new Jonas Brothers album.

Oh, and as the ultimate proof that my taste is absolute shit, I present you with the following: SoulDecision.

I'm 1000% postive that no one is gonna remember these guys, but they were in the original crop of boy bands that came out way back when boy bands were this groundbreaking fucking idea for all of us. These dudes looked like they were in their mid thirties, so I'm not even sure how they slipped in under the radar, but they wrote their own music and played their own instruments and I LOVED the shit out them regardless.

My fave song of theirs was "Faded," and I just dialed it up on youtube for kicks.


So, yeah. My taste in music pretty much sucks Flavor Flav's hairy dick.

The take away from all this, Heidi, is that the bar has already been set really, really low. Shit barely needs to register in my brain as "song," before I mindlessly give it my shining stamp of approval and download it from itunes.

True, I totally hated your first two songs and think that every guitar, piano and drum set in existence should have a restraining order against your ass, but after reading about how offensively horrific your new track "Overdosin" was alllll over the internets for the past couple of days, I was almost beginning to doubt that it could actually be as bad as everyone said it was.

Cause everyone HATES it. I mean, you've got all sorts of peeps with all sorts of varying opinions all agreeing on one thing: this song should be murdered.

So, finally I broke down and listened to it myself.

And,well....everyone was totally fucking right.

"just sing....sing a song.",

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Hills Premiere, S4:1 - 'Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,' Bias

Dear Everyone, ***

We will sooo never be friends, bitches, but I'm gonna break this shit down for you anyway because that's how I roll.

So, obvs a Happy Birthday, Audrina is way overdue.

I LOVED how the pink mohawk, weirdly pierced, hipster crew invaded LC's Bev Hills bungalow for this totally insincere party that LC (and Lo?) threw for her. You just know that Audrina was out on Melrose a few hours before, rounding up weirdos by the dozens to come over just so she could freak LC and Lo's asses out. She probably didn't even know any of those people.

I think one of my fave things about this show, and like def something that keeps me coming back, is that there are constantly these moments that take place where the girl's reactions are completely confusing and mind bending based upon the action we just saw.

Case in point: the moment (at 2:52 above) during Audrina's faux bday party when Lo asks Audrina who she invited, and after a JustinBobby shout out Lo says: "welll...we're just gonna have to enjoy the company that comes." Both Audrina and LC proceed to have this like 30 second reaction where they stare her down and give her the evil eye. Audrina storms out and LC continues to give her the stink eye for an add'l 10 seconds or so.

I refuse to believe that I'm too fucking stupid to understand the multi-layered inner workings of The Hills, so can someone please explain to me WTF all that meant? Both those bitches reacted as if Lo had said "well, you're a low down dirty whore and I can't believe that anyone would actually be friends with you," or "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death...fuck you AND your birthday" Hello!? What was that??

Doug, LC's new BF, was also fan-fucking-tastic! I loved how Lauren was so concerned about not having enough time to "catch up on FOUR YEARS!!" over dinner and then completely ignored him at Audrina's bday party...the one she had gone out of her way to invite him to...and claimed that she knew no one at. Yeah, that one.

The best of the best of the ep, tho, was clearly at the very end when Lo, per LC's very clear instructions, went to confront Audrina and "smooth things out" between them. In actuality, she acted like a whiny little c u next Tuesday, and passive agressively prompted Mz. Audrina into finally bursting out with: "we're never gonna be friends!" Lo scampered away with her tail between her legs, and I squealed with glee. Audrina 1, Lo Nada.

Spencer and Heidi were also in rare form, as per u. Heidi's sister looks poised to present us all with a whole nother level of ridiculous Speid-eriffic mayhem as she makes plans for her totally spontaneous move to LA (which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with the fact that said move to LA would ensure her ass a bit part on her pathetic sister's MTV reality show).

As for spencer, he can just go suck it. I'm not even wasting any add'l keystrokes on the King of all Douches, except to say: "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death."

JK, Spence.

Sort of.


Top 10 Reasons The CW's New 90210 Is Gonna Seriously Suck

Dear Everyone, ***

Though I hope I'm dead wrong, my instincts and all the mounting evidence are both pointing to the fact that the new 90210 on the CW network is probs gonna suck chocolate salty balls.

This new preview just surfaced, and thanks to the 3 seconds of onscreen time for Brenda and Kells, everyone is dropping a load all over the Peach Pit bathroom stalls in anticipation. I, however, am not pulling out my latest issue of Playgirl just yet.

I think this show is totally fucked.

And here are the top 10 reasons why:

10. Brian Austin Green - (aka David) thinks this show could definitely suck, and he's been a washed up actor pretty much since he popped Donna Martin's cherry back in the day (so expectations should = way low). Since the CW network just announced that they're not sending out any screeners of the show ahead of time, it sounds like Bri guy is probably right.

9. The Peach Pit 2.0 - is allegedly new and improved--I'm very suspicious. I mean, I'm glad Nat is back-n-all, but why you gotta change that shit up? This could have been THE bridge from the old 90210 to the new 90210 2.0--who doesn't love a diner? Old fans would have loved the nostalgia and new fans would have loved the vintage feel. Now we've got some Kokomo Cafe shit that supposed to be the new Peach Pit. I think it looks like a freakin' Chipotle.

8. Gossip Girl - show on TV. PERIOD.

7. Rob Thomas - the genius director/producer/writer from Veronica Mars, wrote the original pilot for 90210 2.0...and was thought by many to be the key to the project's success. Well, the bitch jumped ship and hasn't looked back since. Of course, his script has now been totally rewritten (for the way worse, I'm sure) and now they've got writers from the show What About Brian on the case. Anyone out there watch What About Brian? ANYONE? Right.

6. "If you wanna live in the zip, you gotta live by the code" - OMFG, this is one of the most infuriating slash ridiculous taglines that has ever come across my flatscreen. And this shit is irrefutable evidence that the producers of the show are miles away from being in touch with what this audience is going to want. Srsly. Say that tagline out loud to someone with a straight face. I double dawg dare you.

5. Scandalicious? No way - Ok, so true Shannen Dougherty was a celeb scandal OG back in the day, but her brand of crazy like barely registers on the pop culture radar these days. Jail time? Girl fights? Run ins with the Paparazzi? Snore. The West Beverly crew is in the news now, sure, but its mostly fluff: i.e. is original cast member X in or are they out? I haven't heard boo about any of the new W. Bev kids and quite frankly, one of those bitches needs to seriously get busy stirring shit up. We need an overdose/hot celebrity pairing/or sex tape pronto if you crazy kids have any hope of holdin' on to my attention past your two hour premiere.

4. Casting Dramz - Here's what the main directive should have been for the casting folks: hire every single original fucking castmember (even if its just for a cameo), or else you're fired. Instead we've got Tori Spelling pissed about salary, Luke Perry turning down an offer to keep his bit roles on Law & Order SVU, and no sign of Andrea Zuckerman (Gabrielle Carteris) OR Tiffani Amber Thiessan anywhere. Meanwhile, Brian Austin Green thinks he's getting cast as the next Riddler and Jason Priestly thinks he's the next Martin Scorsese. WTF?? It's def nice to have Kelly and Brenda back on the scene, but they're gonna need all the goddammed help they can get.

3. Los Angeles vs. New York - Check your TV skeds, bitches: in the NY vs. LA battle, NYC is clearly coming out on top (Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle, Ugly Betty, How I Met Your Mother, Everybody Hates Chris, Heroes, 30 Rock, Law & Order x 17, Rescue Me, Dirty, Sexy, Money, etc). Swimming pools and movie stars were so 5 years ago. Marisa's dead, Seth and Summer broke up for realz, and LC and her posse are providing quite enough LA eye candy to go around, thank you very much. It's now ALL about the city that never sleeps. Nobody's cared about Beverly Hills since Will Smith crashed some classmate's house party on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and the dude got grounded.

2. Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie - Paris and little miss 'Ballerina Girl' systematically ruined the reps of spoiled rich kids everywhere...espesh the Beverly Hills brats.

Take a close look at Brandon and Steve in the original promo for 90210...they were simulating punching each other in the face. They didn't do it...but you could tell that they would if they had to:

Now take a look at the new 90210 promos...lame dude #1 and bitchtard dude #2 are playing fucking patty cake:

Spoiled rich kids are complete pussies. Nobody's got game anymore and you can pretty much blame the whole thing on fucking Tinkerbell.

1. Version 1.0 = always best - nothing...and I repeat n-o-t-h-i-n-g is ever as good as the original. Case in point: new Coke, Real World Season One, Planet of the Apes, Madonna's American Pie, the iphone, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston and Pam & Tommy Lee's sex tape.

Now, duh, I've still got my tivo set. And I promise you bitches that if I'm wrong, I'll eat my words for breakfast, lunch and dinner all season long. But my gut is telling me that this shit is gonna be the Fall TV season's version of Valkyrie.

Let the games begin.

go big, or go home

Monday, August 18, 2008

OK, 'Girl On The Loose' Fucking ROCKS! (Also, I Think I Might Be In Love With Pamela Anderson)

Dear Pam, ***

Here's a quick list of just about the last motherfucking things I need in the world right now:

a. A new goddammed TV show to become obsessed with (as is, my Tivo left me the following note the other day: Do you have a freakin job or what? Leave me alone).
b. A new girl crush.

So, against my better judgment, I tuned into your new show on E!, Girl on the Loose, this weekend.

I was fully prepared to lump your ass in with Dina Lohan and Denise Richards, and all those other stupid reality shows that I "watch." And by "watch" I mostly mean that I half way listen to what's going on while I mindlessly surf the internet and download infomercials for WEN® by Chaz Dean-n-shit.

But I watched your show anyway...and was pretty much immediately fucking mesmerized.

Here's why: it looks totally gorgeous (like an old art movie with these really grainy, saturated shots), and YOU look totally gorgeous, and you are so not dumb (!?), and you do not exploit your kids, and you like architecture and then, of course, I think it took me all of about 12 minutes to become both completely obsessed AND fall head over heels in love with you.

And, truthfully, its gotten pretty bad, pretty fast. I mean, like I don't even have any problems with the white gold tiles you want for your pool OR the fact that you tend to do your "diary" confessional moments while floating naked in your tub because you had a freakin' yard sale for PETA and your assistant has been working for you for 15 years (!). That shit speaks volumes, Pammy.

So, like yeah.

Clearly I already have a pretty major problem.

In fact, I'm almost a little angry about it. I mean, I kinda feel cheated that I never realized what a fucking rock star you were until now.

You're Pam-tastic! (not to be confused with pan-tastic!)

And, of course, it seems like most people still don't fucking get it...because you didn't scream at your housekeeper and fire her during the first ep or accidentally set your kid up for an audition with a porn director.

And everyone is all about the dramz.

But, back off bitches!

Cause you care about the environment, and animal rights, and going to your kids soccer games...and that's like really sweet.

So, I'm totally a convert...a Pam-vert?...a pervert?


You rule.

blonde ambition,

Friday, August 15, 2008

I'd Like To Fill Up My House With A Tall Glass of You, Dave Coulier

Dear Dave Coulier, **

I owe you like a really big apology.

Not that I think about you much or anything, but it has happened a few times over the years--mostly during an Olsens Twins reminiscence or a convo with someone about the coolest possible last names (obvs, Coulier = cuil).


So, I owe you this apology because for all this time I've thought of you as this washed up, whiny, annoying douchetard. Not quite as annoying as Saget, but annoying nonetheless. That cutesydoofygoofy type humor that you perfected on Full House is, without a doubt, my least favorite flavor of funny, so that def didn't help matters for at all.

But as it turns out, I had this shit A-L-L wrong: you're a muthafucking playa, playa!

You were the inspiration for Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" jam!? The one that pretty much became THE anthem for that early 90's grrl power movement?? That song???


That bitch was pissed off at your ass...and she rocked out for years all over the freakin world singin about how you broke her wittle bitty hawt into a thousand and one pieces. And then stomped on it. And then, for kicks, took a piss on it.

Well, I'm pickin up what she's puttin down Mr. Couli-o, and I'm very much likin your flava.

It doesn't take an undercover brutha like Julia Childs to puzzle this shit out. As far as I'm concerned, it all pretty much points to one thing and one thing only: you were givin that honey some serious deep dickin.'

"And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive"


"Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?"

Daym! Even I feel that shit.

You clearly done gone and wrecked her shit up so badly that she didn't even know which way was up. And that sort of low down and dirty mind fuck requires some serious motherfuckin ninja-like talent, Mr. Couli-hott, so you've like obvs got the skills to pay the bills.

[And also you got Alanis to go down on you in a movie theater!? Dude, color me impressed. I could totally see a chick doing that shit for Stamos, but you? Mad props].

Anyway, so like from the bottom of my heart, I really am sorry. I had you grouped in with Danny Bonaduce-n-shit and that just ain't right (you're way more in like the Rob Lowe/David Caruso league).


So, me some time if you're ever in the market for a new Couli-Ho.

"cut it out" (not),

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Diddy to World: 'I Will Fuck My Way To An Olympic Gold Medal' (Gawd Bless America)

Dear Olympics Executive Committee, ***

I assume you, no doubt, have your hands full at the moment with the Summer Games of '08 in full swing-n-all, but I think I express the collective voice of the American people here, and so I thought it would be appropriate to write.

I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for adding a new event to the already bulging Olympic summer roster, but even with all the table tennis, curling, synchronized individual swimming, archery, AND handball competitions, there is still an event whose absence is glaringly apparent to me and all other citizens of our world: S-E-X.

Yes, Sex.

I'm guessing that it takes time for a new competition category to find its way (its g-spot, if you will) into the collective minds of sports fans across the world, but like also, I'm pretty certain that most people would really, really, dig this right off the bat.

I don't want to step on anyone's toes over there, but obvs the first two competitions within this cateogry should be: who can last the longest, and who can stay hard the longest.

Duh, right?

Our potential American athlete's identities for this new category of competition is strictly confidential, but suffice it to say, we have one athlete currently in training who's greatness and legend potential is destined to rival that of Michael Phelps with his astonishing stamina, prowess, size, and a secret weapon we like to call his "special sauce."

Kind sirs, we are so confident that this category of competition has Olympic potential, our athletes have already begun a grueling and rigorous training schedule in preparation of your imminent acceptance.

Needless to say, we're like really anxious to get this party started.

Please get back to me as soon as possible so that we may make all the needed changes to NBC's broadcast schedule, our travel arrangements, etc.

We're in it to win it.
For realz,

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

You May Have Won 1,000 Gold Medals, Michael Phelps, But That Doesn't Mean That You're Not A Major Asshole

Dear Michael Phelps, ***

You're quite the little mer-man, huh?

As of last count, you've already won eight gold medals at the Olympic games in Beijing, making you like the most successful Olympic athlete in the history of the universe. Your ass is pretty much the talk of the town for the good ole U.S. of A, so like congrats.

Not that I've been watching you (because I hate the Olympics), but I do like to stay on top of what's going on in the world so I don't look like an idiot if I'm ever required to make small talk with someone in an elevator or at a drug possession hearing or something.

So yeah, you're a kick ass swimmer, you're pretty hot, and also you have really nice man rivers. I mean, you seem like a nice enough dude and gold medals are cool-n-all, so I really had nothing against you...until, that is, I saw this:

"They did a special piece on Phelps before tonight’s coverage began in which Phelps mentioned that he must eat up to 10,000 calories a day. For breakfast that includes 3 fried-egg sandwiches, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise, an omelette, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, all washed down with 3 chocolate chip pancakes. "

See, now that seriously pisses me off. And now I kinda think that you're a major asshole. Why you gotta start sayin' shit like that??

Here's why I got beef:

Wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning??

  • yogurt
  • 1/4 of a cup of puffed cereal
Wanna know what I WISHED I had for breakfast this morning?
  • 3 fried egg sandwiches (w/ cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions & mayo)
  • an omelette
  • 3 slices of french toast w/ powdered sugar
  • 3 chocolate chip pancakes

I'm pretty sure I hate you, Michael Phelps.

So, like I get that you are swimming your little ass off all the live long day and that that's the only reason you can eat like this, but also I probably really would have appreciated you lying.

I mean, I've basically gotta use every single freakin molecule of willpower I have floatin around in my brain not to eat all that shit every morning, and you mentioning that fried egg and cheese sandys are part of your everyday properly balanced breakfast lookin all hot and ripped like you do...well, its kind of a slap in the face, Michael.

I don't like hearin about how you eat 10,000+ calories a day when I'm fighting off an urge to down an entire bag of puffed cheetos in the middle of the afternoon. Or remembering how you're pretty much on the "all pizza and pasta all the time" diet as I go to heat up my Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatball meal.

I'm pretty sure I speak for chubsters everywhere when I say that some things in life need to remain private...and this is exactly the sort of shit that your little swim trunk'd ass needs to keep on the DL.


Check yourself before you wreck yourself,
my fat ass

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Britney Spears + Russell Brand + VMA Promo = Adorable-licious

Dear Britney, ***


I'm so excited I can barely type this bullshit out right now.

These MTV promos you shot with 2008 VMA host Russell Brand dropped today, and HOLY CRAP, Brit! You look absolutely A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E...and pretty...and so freakin sweet. Even your weave looks bangin!

I'm not feelin' the whole elephant in the room shtick (like at all), but its OK because its obvs that you are trying hard, and it was sorta a cute idea, and mostly its just sooooo great to see you not looking like a two bit whore/insane person/crackhead/white trash skank! SOOOOO great!

And this whole thing--like with you wearin' lipgloss-n-shit and lookin all cute for the first time in god knows how long--it just reminded my ass that its time for you to get onto the fucking comeback trail already.

For realz.

I know you probs aren't gonna perform at the VMA's after the epic catastrophe that went down last year, but even if you're just swingin by to show your face, can you please, please, please promise me that you will let someone do your goddammed hair? AND your freakin makeup? And that you'll wait to take your oxycontin/xanax/valium/whatever until AFTER the show instead of before?

Pretty please, Brit? With cheetos on top??

SYTYCD is over, and the stupid Olympics R on, and the Montauk Monster was fake, and we still don't have an official 2008 summer jam, so we could all just really use a pick me up, ya know?

Kiss Madonna again if you have to...I don't really give a shit. Just make it work, K?

crazy for you,

Monday, August 11, 2008

So Now It's My Fucking Fault That Lily Allen Doesn't Like To Wear A Bra?

Dear Lily Allen, **

So these pics with your tit hangin out were all over the internets the other day. In fact, in some crazy turn of events you had two nip slips that day, so there were approximately 765 shots of your boob from pretty much every angle that a camera is capable of photographing.

Thanks to the paparazzi (and I guess also a cultural shift toward going commando), I'm already intimately familiar with practically every female celeb's snatch--yours included. So, like seeing your titty was really no big whoop. And honestly, I wouldn't have even given this whole thing a second thought had you not seen fit to take the matter straight to your bloggidy blog blog and created a whole second wave of discussions, posting, and speculation:

"hello, i wore a loose fitting t shirt yesterday. I was very hot in London yesterday, and it's no secret I don't like wearing bras, besides i don't need to, measuring in at 32A it hardly seems necessary. My boob fell out twice and people on the blogs are saying it was a publicity stunt. Can I just say, i have been keeping myself very much to myself recently, i've been gardening, decorating my new flat and looking after my greiving grandfather...It's because i'm on my own and people are pointing at me like an animal in the zoo , talking about me as if i'm not there, meanwhile 10 -20 guys are all making money catching every second of it. Anyway my point is, i would never use my body in that way , I'm just not that kind of girl."


Ok, so like its super duper nice that you've been "keeping to yourself" and gardening-n-shit. And I'm not sure who your gramps is grieving, but that sucks--I'm sorry for his loss. And my heart goes out to you over the fact that you have to deal with a whack pack of camera wielding douches who follow you around...really it does...but you make millions of dollars to compensate you for this inconvenience.

But like also, here's a newsflash: its still all your own fucking fault that your tit was splayed all over my macbook. So, can you lose the 'tude??

I'm willing to concede that *maybe* this wasn't a publicity stunt, but still this shit is pretty freakin ridick.

It's the middle of summer, so its pretty much boiling fucking hot everywhere. True, I am not famous enough to followed around by the paparazzi, so if I did have a nip slip you'd never know it. But also, my tit(s) NEVER pop out of my shirt. Like n-e-v-e-r. Not once.

I mean, I suppose this does take a small amount of effort on my part (i.e. I do wear bras regulary), however, I've never felt overwhelmed with my "keep my tits in my shirt" daily responsibilities. It's never interfered with my social life or my job hunting. My tits don't pop out at the airport, the supermarket, or the gym (true, I never go to the gym, but I'm jus sayin...). None of my neighbors have seen my tits, none of my friends have seen my tits, and none of my co-workers have seen my tits.

So I guess my point is this, Lilly: these are just the small steps I take, as a non-famous, insignificant, nobody, to make sure that no one sees my business except for my husband and my dog. You can guaran-fucking-TEE that if I did have a whack pack of camera wielding dudes following me around day and night, I'd be ramping up my bra wearin/non-loose shirt wearin tactics tenfold.

Believe it or not, its not my goddammed fault that your titty is all over TMZ...jus cuz you are only a 32A and don't like bras and, oh right, it was hot out.

Boo fucking hoo.

Oh yeah, and also, this wasn't the first time.

tit for tat,

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: Every Bench For Themselves

Dear Men, ***

Ok, so I t-o-t-a-l-l-y get: fucking a HOT, HOME WRECKING ACTRESS (hola, Sienna Miller)

fucking a TEENAGER (save the cheerleader, save the world)

or fucking a CELEBRITY MILF (yep, Brooke Hogan's Mom is dating a 19-year-old)

But this one has me completely freakin stumped: fucking A BENCH



Please explain.


Friday, August 8, 2008

Wal-Mart to Jamie Lynn Spears & Maddie Briann: WHERE U BEEN, BITCHES???

Dear Jamie Lynn, **

I guess I'm not your "Holla Back" gurl anymore :(



I know you've been busy with the baby and your baby daddy-n-all...and like also obvs at the gym based on these pics!

So I guess you haven't been able to write/call/text me as much, which is ok cuz like I've been really, really busy too with my acrylic nail technician classes and my Mary Kay internship, and also like that older Russian dude who I met on who I've been e-chatting with.


You have to fill me on Maddie Briann! Is she like a lil diva in training? She must be so pretty and so preshus! I can't wait to give her the puffy fabric scrapbook I've been working on for her!!

And it's sooooooo cool that her first outing was a trip to Wal-Mart, cause I know that's like your home away from home. Also, its never to early to teach lil Maddie 2 shop till she drops!!!!!!!!!


The funny thing is, in that pic above I don't see Maddie Briann? It looks like you maybe forgot her in the store! Oopsie! Oh well...I'm sure someone found her in the Cheetos aisle and probs just brought her back out to you in the parking lot. No biggie.

Ok, little miss thang, I havta to get to my nail class so I'm gunna go. Kisses-n-hugs to Maddie & Casey!!!!!!

Holla back! :)

SYTYCD Finale: Just When U Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better Than Gettin' Yo Braces Off, YOU WON, Joshua Allen!

Dear Everyone, ***

So, not sure what's up with you bitches, but that was pretty much two solid hours of hysterical sobbing for me.

Here's a recap:

I cried during all of the favorite recap dances. I cried during the video clips. I cried everytime Cat went goo goo gaga over one of her "babies." I cried because I had to sit through a Jonas Brothers performance. I cried when they brought back the dancers from past seasons and I got to see my girl Lauren Gottlieb. I even cried during Mary Murphy's freakin cougar reunion tour dance with Dimitri.

But nothing, and I do mean NUTHING, could have prepared me for the NYC waterfalls like explosion that erupted from my eyeballs when little brace face, street dancer Joshua Allen was named the winner of So You Think You Can Dance.

I cried cause I was so happy for Josh. And I cried cause I was heartbroken for Twitch. And then I cried for myself. Because not only do I have to wait until next fucking summer to enjoy watching TV this much again, but also I didn't even get any tix to the mother effin SYTYCD tour that sold out in nine seconds flat.

But its totally not fine.

Not Really...I'll be OK.

I promise!(not to do anything crazy).

During tough times like these, I find that stepping into the warm welcoming bossum of a Jay-Z song often helps me express my feelings and deal with my inner turmoil in like a really, real way:

Take the baseline out, uh huh
Jigga uh huh uh huh uh huh

It's the Hard Knock Life for us
It's the Hard Knock Life for us
Stead of treated, we get tricked
Stead of kisses, we get kicked
It's the Hard Knock Life

Indeed, Jigga.

Knock, knock.
Who's there.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

SYTYCD Finale: I'm 'Bleeding Love' For ALL U Bitches

Dear Everyone, ***

Wow, it totally feels like the last night of sleepaway camp, right? Like when the whole camp gets together for that queer sing-a-long, and you and all your friends start crying and swearing that you're gonna call each other every day when you get back home, eventhough you never will, but like you don't know that at the time?


I srsly can't believe that this shit is really, truly over. I'm so freakin heartbroken I'd even agree to an all Mia Michaels judge's panel for just one more week of So You Think You Can Dance fabulousness.

Le sigh.

In other news, for like the first time all season, I was not totally digging Cat's look. Her dress reminded me of one of those collapsible plastic cups that you take on camping trips and actually kind of made her look like she had a bit of a gut, which is just insane because, hello, she weighs like 98 pounds at probs 5"10.

And again with Mary...its like one week on, one week off with you. Tonight you looked like you were dressed by Morticia Adams. Was that a dress or a cobweb?


Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Twitch

Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Holy fatal attraction fabulousness. I would have loved that dance way more had Courtney not been dressed like Wilford Brimley, but that shit still rocked. Even I'd break up with Court if she'd kick my ass like that...M-E-O-W. [sidenote: Nigel's feeble attempt at a Mary scream was kinda pathetic, but also kinda sweet].

Joshua & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Wade Robson


Gorgeous, beautiful, LOVE. This was the perfect dance for these two bitches and they owned the shit out of it. They have, in my opinion, been the most consistently fab couple thoughout this competition and I love that they got a chance to dance again together one more time during the finale--espesh with this Wade Robson jam. Wade = genius supastar.

& Courtney
Tyce Diorio

Gay dancing...rawk! But, yet again, those costumes were a total disconnect for me. It looked like Mary Poppins threw up all over their asses and I just didn't get it awl. Also, like if you're gonna do gay dancing, let the bitches touch each other a bit more. I don't know, I wasn't feelin' this jam and thought the whole thing was kinda disjointed and meh.

Twitch & Joshua
Youri Nelzine
Russian Trepak
BOO YA! This joint had all of the excitement, fun and chemistry that the girl's gay dance totally lacked. That was off the freakin' chain, boyz and I loved every last second of it. Josh, ur ass looked like you were on a freakin trampoline and Twitch, u were up and down so much I was starting to get dizzy. You guys literally rocked my world with that one.

Twitch & Katee
Tony Meredith & Melanie
Wow, I think that was the first sexy foxtrot I've ever seen!...and I totally dug it. Twitch's tux just slayed me and those two actually had mad chemistry during that whole number. Katee was gorge and she danced like a princess.

& Courtney
Jason Gilkison

That shit was the jammin-est Jive I ever done seen. I know nothing about nothing in the way of technique, so I'll have to take Mary's 5 minute "holy shit, was that hard" speech for what its worth. Nigel didn't have love for this joint, but whatevs....I thought it was cuil.

I think we can all agree that nobody does solo like Twitch does solo.

Also, how freakin' adorable were those one-on-one interviews with Cat? And did anyone else notice how she kinda started to cry right before they all performed their last Mia Michaels Scottish Olympics group dance!?

K, so I barely have the courage to even type this shit out, but I have to, so I'm gonna be strong. Goin home first:

[can't type keys, don't want to say it...]

And final two:


And who do I think is gonna go for the gold?: Katee
[But who do I really, really want to win?: Twitch]

There I said it. And I mean every word of it.

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Justin Timberlake Would Be the PERFECT Oscars Host, And Anyone Who Disagrees Can Go Suck It

Dear Justin, ***

Srsly, don't listen to any of those motherfuckin www playa haters, with all their visceral JT jealousy drippin from their keyboards-n-shit.

I've only gots one thing to say to all of those ridick internet chatterboxes who smugly proclaim that you're not funny enough or you're too douchey to host the Oscars: FUCK ALL Y'ALL, BITCHES.

These whiny, know-it-all internet tards pulled this same sorta shit with the Top Gun 2 movie announcement, and I for one am not gonna sit idly by and watch everyone screw this all up again.


You can TOO host the Oscars JT, and you'd probs wreck the shit out of it like no one ever had before. I mean, brought sexy back!--Of course you can handle this Oscars shit.

Here's why:
*Your ass IS funny, no matter what the haters say. I bought every single person on my Christmas list last year a dick in a box and they all loved the shit out of it.
*You're H-O-T-T, and everyone from little girlies straight up to the MILFers wants you to be their boy toy boyfriend.
*You fucked Britney...back when she was the coolest person in the world to be fucking.
*You know what sells, and you sell it to us e-v-e-r-y single time.
*You love your mamz.
*You invented the trucker hat craze...that's like really innovative.

So, like you're IT now.

You are the choice of the least all the people who aren't stupid fucking losers.


Team Timberlake,

Miley Cyrus is Better Than Everyone At Everything: Congrats To The Ultimate Dance Off Champion

Dear Everyone, ***

OMG, you bitches totally suck!

How could I have missed this? And how could no one have emailed me/twittered me/or facebook'd me about it??

Miley Cyrus and ACDC had their final, in-person dance off at the Teen Choice Awards this past Sunday, and not one of you mofos bothered to fill me in!?


I've been tuned into this action from day one and (sniff) I'm, admittedly, a little sad that my one and only legitimate connection to the sexy pic, iphone lovin' tween queen has now been permanently quashed. But like also, I'm kinda outraged.

What you don't see in the vid is Miss Fergalicious herself, crowning Miley & Mandy the ultimate dance off champs as the audience cheers on with unbridled, hysterical Hannah Montana glee.

M&M Cru won?? Wha??

I mean, fine. I admit it. I do love me some Miley, but an M&M Cru victory!? That shit is just cracked out Whitney Houston-like insanity.

ACDC rawked the motherfuckin house out at every stage of this dance off, and goddamit, they wuz robbed!

All those screaming teenyboppers done gone and had their brains scrambled up by those hott pix of Miley's abs-n-shit. That's the only explanation.

Or maybe it was just LL.

I mean, that is sort of the quickest way to end any ongoing longterm beef. I believe the Law of LL states: if you can convince LL Cool J to publicly take your side in any ongoing conflict, whether real or imaginary, the other side must immediately concede defeat or risk permanent, unrelenting societal embarrassment.

And so, the biggest online dance battle in the history of the world has, sadly, come to an abrupt and shocking end.

"Mama said knock you out," indeed,

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Thanks For Reminding My Husband What NOT To Do, Balthazar Getty (Lesson #2: The Aftermath)

image: popsugar
Dear My Husband, ***

Ok so like since our first lesson about affairs went so well (your hands + another girl's tits + flash photography = n'uh uh), I thought we could just pick things up where we left off and continue to use Balthazar Getty as a shining example of the man I hope you never, ever, ever become (minus the piles of cash, of course).


So, last we checked, Balthazar had his hands all up in Sienna Miller's frolicking tits. While canoodling with this bitch on the Amalfi Coast (see pic above), his wife Rosetta was stuck at home with their four kids wondering what the fuck happened to her marriage as she watched this shit unfold on the internets and Us Weekly.

Again, we've covered this at length, but it bears repeating: If shit ever gets so bad with us that you've got "have an affair!" flashing on a neon signed billboard on the highway to your brain, lemme know, K?.

Like immediately.

Because like that shit is demoralizing...and embarrassing...and would seriously piss my ass off. And most importantly, you would t-o-t-a-l-l-y regret it...and then look like this when I left your ass stranded at the airport with no ride just like Rosetta did (yes...I'm serious).

Ok, so back to lesson #2: you've had the affair (DON'T tho...just talking hypothetically here), and now you've embarrassed yourself, me, our family and everyone on the planet with eyes. Then you wake up from this clusterfuck of a shituation, and you want me back...and want me back badly.

(from TMZ)
"Our sources say — and they are impeccable — Balthazar has resorted to e-groveling with his e-stranged wife, Rosetta. He has been sending her e-mails in the last week saying, “I love you.”

Uhm...ok. E-groveling is a start, I suppose...but again, you need to make a note NOT to follow Balthazar Getty's lead here.

Ur shit is gonna need to be ramped way the fuck up if you are ever in the position of needing to get my attention after public titty cavorting. This would be the time for creativity, unbridled enthusiasm and whacky "I'll do anything" to get you back stunts. (i.e. Kobe's got the right idea with this one).

E-groveling will barely register on my motherfucking radar.

Ok, so in summary: scandalicious, well documented affair + oceans of resulting regret = Cirque de Soleil, Superbowl Halftime show-type tactics req'd to get my ass back.

In the meantime, just say "no."