Dear Everyone, ***
I'm pretty sure tonight was the single stupidest ep of The Hills in like the history of the universe.
I sort of feel like I say that every week, but I really mean it this time.
I think its pretty safe to say that when I'm actually missing Lo, things have gotten just about as bad as they can get.
I mean, I'm literally sitting here feeling bad for Stephanie....and for Heidi's mom Darlene...and for Holly...and even for fucking Heidi. And I hate allll of them.
Here's what happened in 140 characters or less (easily Twitter-able): Doug pretended like he didn't like Steph (probs after they fucked), and Heidi's mom Darlene came to visit to try to break Spence & Heidi up. Fini.
Of course Heidi defended her superdouche BF until she was blue in the face; and of course everyone threw ShePratt under a bus b/c she's the show's new martyr, and eventhough the whole thing was mos def her fault, she used to be a drug addict and she's caught in the middle of Speidi & LC's fight and she has no friends, and blah, blah, fucking blah.
She'll probably show up next week pregnant with Doug's little burrito baby...eventhough they just went out for dinner and coffee.
So anyway, the story is: Doug didn't really even want to be friends with Steph, but he felt bad for her b/c she's like a lost little puppy. So he responded to her late night booty texts really just to be nice...cause he has no interest in for real getting involved with a basket case like that. But LC is pissed anyway...and so is Brody...and Frankie is probs mad too just by osmosis.
Darlene went out to "talk things out" with Spencer and ended up getting bitchslapped for daring to give a shit about her daughter Heidi in the first place. Cause Heidi belongs to Spencer now, and if he doesn't give a shit about her, NO ONE CAN.
Also Doug, the Burrito King, had a pool party and splashed Lauren and Whit when he cannonballed into his pool. Which was, actually, kind of funny.
I srsly miss Lo...I'm not kidding.
the rest is still unwritten,
please help m.e.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
During a day of horrendous fucking news to rival all horrendous fucking news...while I sit here and literally watch the remotest possibilities of my ass being able to retire before I'm in my seventies get flushed down the toilet like a dirty tampon...as my dog sits staring at me unsure if his designer, organic food is going to actually hit the bowl tonight after all (it did, duh), there was one little sliver of sunshiney deliciousness that made this day a touch less suicidal: Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are maybe back together.
I have no clue why I have somehow decided to pin the success of our nation on the positive or negative status of this relationship, but whatever.
And, so I have come to the following conclusion: If Sarah and Jimmy are legitimately back together, then everything will work itself out with the economy, the election, et al and we'll all be ok.
If they're not and this is somehow a huge misunderstanding, we're all fucked up the ass by a Haitian AIDS monkey.
No, this isn't exactly scientific, but also I'm probably right.
Sarah-n-Jimmy 2Getha 4eva (say it with me now).
L'shana Tova, bitches,
Monday, September 29, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
I present to you all: A call to Arms.
I insist that every pair of eyeballs currently reading this shit, stand up and for once in your life, take some action! Do something! Contribute!
There is a radio station in Grand Rapids, Michigan that is offering $10,000 smackers to any man, woman or child that can prove penetration with either Kevin or Joe Jonas (for those of you with a hard on for curly top Nick Jonas...sorry. The dude is only 16, and that's what we like to call i-l-l-e-g-a-l round these parts).
It's the "Jump A Jonas" contest!
Now, in order to collect your prize, you'll need to provide two pieces of proof, one of which needs to be a non-doctored video. I would suggest a Flip video camera, if you don't already own one. They're cheap, and super easy to hide in any standard pair of assless chaps or Dominatrix boots.
Now the other hitch is that you'll need to swipe the JoBro v-card with their consent. This point is key, as I guess the radio station doesn't want to be held responsible for a tween hearthrob rape (obvs).
I don't know about you, but I happen to think this contest is totally fucking awesome. In fact, I want to up this shit.
So here's the deal: If 104.5 WSNX actually does find some chump or chumpess who cops to getting a legit piece of JoBro ass, GET IN TOUCH WITH ME! If you can provide me with a pic of you doing something lewd and crude with a JoBro purity ring (JoBro needs to be in the pic too, people!), I'm willing to throw in an extra $500.
In case any of you bitches live in San Diego, I see that there is a Jonas Brothers concert coming up there on November 15th. You people are particularly well positioned to step up to the plate on this one.
For all you haters, you can go join the 18 other proJoBro l00zers in the STOP THE JUMP A JONAS CONTEST group on facebook. Or better yet, pony up your own hard earned cash in a counter contest: $25k to anyone who can prove they had an opp to fuck a JoBro and, instead, chose to stay chaste, for example. I don't know, figure it out for yourselves...I can't think of everything.
Dear Senator McCain, *
There is a lot of buzz goin around the dub dub dub right now regarding whether or not your ass actually said "horseshit" during your debate on Friday with Senator Obama.
Some people are sayin' that you said "course not," or "of course it is."
But, I've watched that vid eleven or twelve times so far, and I gotta say it really sounds like you busted out with a gin-u-ine "horseshit."
See, that's like a waaaay biggger problem for me...though not for the reasons that you would expect.
I mean, I'm a college educated, Jewish white chick living in Brooklyn...so obvies I'm voting for Obama.
BUT (and this is a biggie), you might not have been aware of this but DearFamousAsshole.blogspot.com is one of the cursiest blogs on the motherfucking block!
We here at Dear Famous Asshole HQ pride ourselves in consistently representin' with the newest and latest curse combos, use of innovative, up-and-coming offensive language and an overall commitment to uncovering the best of the worst that the English language has to offer.
As such, I totally fucking dig the fact that you maybe said HORSESHIT during a goddammed presidential debate on live motherfucking TV in front of 90 million people! I mean, if that shit is true, you might actually be my hero. And like, I t-o-t-a-l-l-y can't handle that.
So, I'm gonna go ahead and take Andrew Sullivan's analysis at face value, and go back to believin that you said "course not."
This way, you can keep your Jesus-lovin constituents happy believin that a Gawd fearin man like yourself would never utter an untoward word on national fucking TV, and I can go back to hatin your ass as per u, and talkin about Sarah Palin's kids probably snortin lines and most likely having freaky midget sex.
Obama for Prez,
Friday, September 26, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
Ok, I really wanted to avoid any additional updates today in order to keep us all focused on the task at hand: praying that McCain fucks up colosally on tonight's debates (please, please, pretty please, Gawd!)
But, I didn't count on Brit Brit's single Womanizer dropping...cause that's just the sort of shit that simply can't be ignored.
Here's what I think:
Ok, maybe I'm just not used to hearing Britney's singing voice b/c its been so long...or maybe I'm just generally in a bad mood b/c my 401 is currently bleeding love, but as much as I want to love the shit out of this song, I kinda don't.
I've already established that my musical taste pretty much sucks, so the bar is v. low already (just want to make sure no one is gonna accuse me of being a snobby, indie music devotee with ridiculously high standards. Never forget: I LOVED SoulDecision).
Was Brit's voice always this low and I just didn't notice? Me no likey. I def think she sounds her best in the song during the bridge when she's actually singing, as opposed to her breathy talking.
Having said that, I do admit that the tune is kinda catchy. I think I need to go listen to it 17 times in a row and see how I feel after that.
I'll report back.
boy don't try to front,
UPDATE: I like it! Like really a lot! And it only took 6 listens...WOO HOO!
Dear Everyone, ***
So, the first Presidential Debate is maybe, possibly, going to to happen tonight at 9pm. And if it does, I'm gonna be liveblogging it for your ass along with some other bloggers.
Come on over to We Op-Ed to check out the fun.
Also, you bitches can participate in this shit too! Current TV and Twitter has teamed up for "Hack the Debate," which will allow you to have your live Twitter posts superimposed on top of all the action.
And here's some more Twitter-iffic election stuff too.
Rock the vote,
Dear Russia, **
Were you guys aware of the fact that we were so on top of alllll your shit? Probably Not!
S'like you mofos can't make a MOVE without us bein' all up in e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g you bitches do.
You wanna know HOW???
Cause we can see your asses from Alaska!
Sarah Palin TOLE me so! Check it:
COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?
PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land– boundary that we have with– Canada. It– it's funny that a comment like that was– kind of made to– cari– I don't know, you know? Reporters–
PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.
COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.
PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia–
COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?
PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We– we do– it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is– from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to– to our state.
In case the message isn't clear, RUSSIA, I would think looooong and hard before you ever look at, enter, cross, discuss or even draw a map of our motherfucking air space, pretty much ever again.
Sarah Palin is watching you!!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Dear Lil Wayne, **
I always like to roll out the welcome mat for my fellow bloggers, so greetings and welcome to the magical dub dub dub!
I guess we're sort of opposites, since you revealed this little nugget in your first post ever for ESPN: "I don't watch nothing but sports—no movies, no news, no television shows." Wow...and I don't watch ANY sports and ONLY watch movies, news and television shows!
Also, I noticed another thing that makes you I opposites: I speak English!
I should warn you: if you have any hope at all for making a name for yourself as a celebrity blogger, you better update your site...like a lot. At last count Kanye was updating his blog 700 billion times a day!
Anyway, welcome aboard to teh internets!
Got Money? (i don't),
Dear Claymates, **
I know that the news of your beloved chanteur's proclivity for peen likely has many of you in quite a kerfuffle.
In fact, according to reports, you're all going fucking ballistic...but WHO CAN BLAME YOU??
You have been viciously and egriously lied to and, for what its worth, there really is no acceptable excuse for your horrible mistreatment.
Based on the comments in the fan forums, it seems that most of you are feeling:
My heart truly goes out to each and every one of you as struggle through this difficult time and attempt to find your peace with it all.
When something like this happens, its hard not to take stock and begin to examine those "bigger picture" life issues such as: who am I? What is my purpose in life? What will my legacy be?
Sometimes, when gut wrenching, earth shattering events like this take place, we realize that these are just the sorts of things we need to happen in order to give ourselves a quiet reminder that we're all in this crazy thing called life together, ya know?
It's almost as if gawd almighty is reaching down his powerful, Jesus loving hand as if to say: "hey buddy...I know this is hard, but it will all be ok, mkay?"
You see, I too have been the victim of a carefully orchestrated and truly horrendous misuse of my own trust and unwavering dedication. I have been lied to, purposely mislead and ultimately betrayed...by the one person in the world I least expected to treat me like this.
I'm speaking, obvies, of Britney Jean Federline Spears.
You see, I BELIEVED Britney when she told us all that she was a virgin way back when. I supported her as she committed to a faith-based relationship with Justin Timberlake and even DEFENDED her when her purity was called into question and she swore up and down that her hymen was most definitely in tact.
I believed her and I believed IN her...that's like a really, really big deal (as you all know!).
Now, of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now we all know the disgusting, sordid truth: in between her "I swear, I'm a virgin, ya'll!" assurances, she was getting fucked up the ass by Justin while twin dwarfs stood by watching, snorting cocaine and pleasuring each other. Or something like that.
The details are not important, but the resulting personal fallout is: I. Was. Betrayed.
And I've literally been to hell and back since trying to make heads or tails of it all.
So, I know EXACTLY what you're all going through now that Clay Aiken has revealed his despicable, deplorable, hateful lie.
And I know it hurts...like a bitch.
But we all need to get really real now:
Clay is gay.
Clay sucks cock.
It almost seems weird typing out those words on my keyboard. Like, how could this even be true? What sort of crazy mixed up world could we all be living in where something like this would even be allowed to happen!?
Well my little mates of Clay, speaking from personal experience, I know better than anyone that the only way to truly find your way out of something as hideous and vomit-inducing as this is to move on and to move on quickly. I mean, Clay's a homosexual, so obvs you can't like him anymore. [Gays deserve the same treatment as Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, and the liberal media...sorry, game over (LOL!)].
But then you're forced to deal with a bigger and more challenging issue: what do you do with all of the love, dedication and devotion that you previously had in your heart for Clay? Because that love, dedication and devotion needs to go somewhere people, and I for one won't stand by and watch as its whisked away down a river of homosexual debauchery and salaciousness.
But, don't worry!
I'm so on the case!
In fact, I've looked at this problem from every conceivable angle! I've analyzed the details, considered every possibility and mathematically modeled every potential outcome. And, luckily for each of you, I have the p-e-r-f-e-c-t solution:
The Jonas Brothers.
you're totally welcome!!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Dear Lynne Spears, *
So like I totally get that you're off promoting your stupid, exploitative book about your colasally effed up kids right now and probably don't have a lot of extra time on your hands, but...uhm... your 17-year-old daughter Jamie Lynne needs a lil' bit of your attention.
What with you 'Coming through the storm'-n-all, you might not have noticed that your son-in-law is like a regular ole Ansel Adams! Yep, he loooves snappin' pictures all the live long day.
Oh, and do you know what his fav-oh-rite thing in the world is to photograph? Jamie Lynn's tities!
Yeah, so check this: Casey was taking all sorts of sexy pics of Jamie Lynn breast feeding, Jamie Lynn breast feeding again, and then Jamie Lynn breast feeding some more (that little Maddie must be hungry hungry hippos!). And then he decided to take all those pics of your 17-year-old famous daughter with her titties hangin' out to Wal-Mart! Like, to be developed.
Isn't there something you should be doing here, Lynn? Like some sort of, I don't know, parenting technique that you could be applying so that shit like this doesn't go down on a weekly basis??
I mean, Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own fucking sonogram machine so that pics of their little Scientology spawn Suri would never hit the street. Don't you think you could at least spring for a color printer and some toner?? Maybe a pack of photo paper or two??
They sell that shit at Wal Mart!!!
Now the FBI is gettin' all involved cause JL is underage and these photos are considered child pornagraphy, and someone actually stole em' and yada, yada, yada.
These kids are not exactly doing a bang up job of playing house so far.
Do you think Brit Brit could spare Daddy Spears for a few days to come by and straighten shit out??
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
Holy fucking Christ, it's opposite day on The Hills!
Here's how it works: enemies are BFF's, BFF's are enemies, "couples" that hate each other love each other, minor characters on the show R all the sudden major. Get it???
Shit be crazy...shit be crazy, yo.
So, Lauren bounced off to Italy leaving all of her bitches to basically go fucking ballistic while she was busy eating gelato and fettucine alfredo...La Traviata, much?
I'd love to watch the ep again a second time and count the actual number of times that the word "Doug" is uttered by every single solitary Hillsian...because that is pretty much the only topic of conversation for the rest of the show.
So, yeah...Stephanie went on a date with Doug.
Yep, THE Doug.
Burrito King Doug.
The one she didn't like.
Yep, that one.
CALL THE FUCKING NY TIMES, PEOPLE!
Get Richard Branson on the line, because this shit needs to be written on a mother fucking scroll and launched into outer space in a tube so that from now until the end of time, people will come to truly KNOW the wrath that She Pratt has wrought upon the world by choosing to GO OUT TO DINNER WITH DOUG.
(Sidenote: I'm pretty sure that the fact that I'm still watching this show week after week is a definitive cry for help. I'm jus sayin).
Stephanie went on a date with Doug. And though the earth didn't completely fold on its axis, the oceans didn't dry up and the hell fires were not rained down upon us all, they did run into Brody's mom. Which I guess is sorta the same thing. And she told everyone.
Game over, bitch.
Even if you know nothing at all about The Hills, you're probaby still aware of the fact that LC does NOT stand for this sort of behavior.
Spencer had his usu :30 second asshole cameo, and Lo and Audrina totally made out (metaphorically, at least).
JustinBobby wore a hat that said "Hooligans."
Shit's gettin' so whack, Whit doesn't even bother to show up anymore...I wish I had her strength.
the rest is still unwritten,
Dear Gwynnie, *
I got GOOPed!
I mean, how fucking fantastic is it of you to start this super GOOP-ariffic website where you just share all of your most amazing advice and your juiciest tips with people like me?
(wait for it...)
I mean, I admit that there is a good deal of it that I don't quite understand yet, but obvies its because I'm probably just not as "GOOPy" as you are...but I'll get there soon!
Like as of now, I have no fucking clue what "nourish the inner aspect" means. And also, after clicking on every single page of your website, I still don't have the foggiest idea what GOOP actually means, but that's ok! Right!?
Cause "GOOP is what makes life good."
And I want a
GOOD GOOP life!!!!!!
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH for launching such a fantastic, wonderful, AMAZING website.
I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I say that this is like totally going to enrich my life in ways I never even dreamed were possible.
GYLAS, (GOOP ya like a sis...LOL!)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
A few quick thoughts on last night's (mostly) boring as shit Emmys:
- Sorry, Josh Groban: I guess this medley was sorta cool, but also it like really freaked me out for some reason. Anyone else?
- Heidi Klum: You need to hold onto your Project Runway job with all your might, cause you were by far the suckiest of all the hosts...followed by Tom Bergeron. (sidenote: Emmys, please don't ever pull that 5 host shit again. Massive FAIL).
- Yay for Damages! Srsly, people. I know that you don't watch this show. I know this because NO ONE watches this show and I have no fucking clue why. I downloaded Season 1 on itunes and spent the next 36 hours literally hanging on every last episode like it was crack cocaine. It rocked my fucking world. ATTN: Everyone whose eyeballs are currently reading this shit: WATCH THIS SHOW! You will love it. You will want to fuck it and will probably ask it to marry you. Promise. (sidenote: Boo FX for doing the worst advertising/pr campaign in the history of the whole entire world for these people).
- Yay for Tina Fey and 30 Rock and snarky, funny girls who wear glasses.
- Those bizarro TV set intros = WTF??
- Ricky Gervais was pure perfection and should have been hosting the whole fucking show.
- The no political discussion rule was annoying, though I guess I also would have been annoyed if every single presenter and award recipient was going on and on and on about the election. Ok, so fuck it...maybe it was a good idea.
- Fashion: LOVEd Jane Krakowski in her Versace Dress and Brooke Shields in her flouncy, pinky number, and Olivia Wilde ; HATEd this turquoise number on Mary Louise Parker (= v. bad color for her).
- Eva Longoria Parker is so 100% preggo and she keeps denying. S'like, look bitch. I'm sorry that you are constantly asked this question...and it should be something that you could keep private if you were no one...but you are a celeb and that's just that. So, just fucking admit it already!
- Lauren Conrad got to present an Emmy award!? As in LC? Also, she was on stage for about 12 mins!? W.T.F. for serious?? You know I love me some Hills, but that shit was ridick. I was waiting for the cast of the new 90210 to come out or maybe a few of the rich bitches from My Super Sweet 16. I refuse to believe that my standards are higher than The goddammed Emmys.
- Yay for the Pivert and his award for Best Supporting Actor, but that speech blew. Still love me some Entourage, tho.
- After finally finding a hairstyle that really, truly worked for an awards show, (at the offscreen event they do before the big one on TV), Kathy Griffith went and fucked it all up again with her Rapunzel hair extensions last night. They were grody to the max.
- I feel like 7/8 of this show are devoted to mini-series that I have never even fucking heard of. It's soooo borrrring.
- After that non-opening, that ending was truly bizarre. I had no idea that the show was even over, but I guess the horrible hosts had been going on too long at that point with all their totally unfunny banter. And so someone thought it would be hilair to just let Jeff Probst literally die on the stage in front of us. And it was...kinda.
I just don't understand how a show that is all about honoring amazing TV, always sucks chocolate salty balls? Like ALWAYS?
Dear Everyone, ***
Here's why George Michael is the best fucked up celebrity on the planet: self awareness.
"I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them."You hear that, Lily Allen!?
Ok, so Georgie boy was arrested with a little bit of crack in a public bathroom...but I still love him long time anyway.
Keep on playin' playas,
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dear Lo, *
Now you've gone and done it!
After one LOne season of your ass on The Hills, you've managed to turn practically the whole fuckin' thing upside down: Audrina has moved out!
The order of the universe exists for a reason, Lo...and you're messin' with dramz that you shouldn't be messin' with. Honestly, this is like a bigger upheaval than the unraveling of LC and Heidi's best friendedness. Or the dismantling of the Brody/Spencer Bromance.
And its all your fault!
Frankly, I don't even understand why you're there. Everyone has a purpose on that show except for you:
*LC is the perfect/pretty prom queen
*Heidi's the pathetic/emotionally abused vixen
*Whitney is the boring/together professional
*Audrina is the hot/stupid sexpot
Who the fuck are you, Lo???
I'll tell you who: you're the BITCH, bitch.
And once and for all, can you tell me WTF is up with those side bangs?! And do you even have a godammed job??
Everything was peaches and cream before you came around...fuckin, peaches and cream, yo. Lo.
I blame you entirely.
No one else can feel it for you,
Dear Wasilla Pussy Posse, ***
I know its been a long time since my last group shout out, but we've got like a major code red situation on our hands.
Shit is getting SIRIUS, and I totally need all you guyzes help.
As my mamz says, "the media has a hard on for me BIG TIME," and they're just not gunna rest until they uncover every last bad thing I ever done did (Y'all can shut the fuck up right the fuck now, cause I ain't in the mood for jokes).
These homos are even posting my fuckin voicemail message for fun.
Anyway, the latest is that SOMEBODY (and I'm not naming names, but I would totally guess its that little jealous slut Lynesia) released a video of me smoking weed. Now, I know all y'all might be thinking "shit...there are probs like 100 videos of my ass smokin weed," but this shit is serious now, people!
I don't care how many fuckin' weed videos there are of me...I just need your help makin' sure that NO ONE else sees em.'
I already got a serious beatdown from the governator over this shit and I'm just panicked that is gonna get like way, way, worse.
Here's what needs to happen: I need you guys to go through all of the video that you might have of me. Look at ALL of it and go through shit with a fine toofed comb. Look for any footage of me OR Levi:
*doing keg stands
And if you find ANYTHING, get that footage to me right away. This is super important guys, and like a lot of you seriously owe me big time, so I really, really, need your help here. I will find a way to pay you for any of this footage and also take care of each you with the usual (wink wink : )
I don't even want to have to say this cuz it will guar-an-tee that my mom will kick my ass from here till next Tuesday, but we need to make sure that NO ONE, never, ever sees that stupid fuckin sex tape we all made after prom. I don't give a shit what sort of a "rockstar" you think you looked like, you all need to make sure that you've pulled ANY footage you have of that shit off of youtube/myspace/facebook, and don't even talk about it with anyone anymore, EVER.
All you bitches need to seriously step up to the plate now and help me keep these reporters runnin.
Obvs if my mamz gets into office with McOldy, this is gonna mean waaaay better axcess to all sorts of shit for all of us (like Jamaica Senior Trip, 2007!!!!), so this benefits you guys too.
I love all you guys, for realz...and I totally appreciate your help.
Wasilla Pussy Posse, Rawk on!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I knew that things were bad, but like I didn't know that they were THIS bad.
I think we can all agree that when Mrs. Tom Cruise is reduced to holing up in her closet and shooting secret videos about the evil team of Scientologists who are controlling her life and forcing her to wear plaid fucking pants, it just can't get much worse than that.
I mean, what's next?? A crazy right wing Vice Presidential candidate with a knocked up, coke whore teenager? The virtual unraveling of our entire financial landscape? Rappers blogging, for chrissakes?!
I want you to know that I consider each of these videos a call to arms, Katie (or is it Kate? Or was that all just more of this mind control bullshit!? Tell me what you like to be called, dammit!).
I'm like totally subscribed to your youtube channel now, and I'm gonna start a write-in campaign to see if I can get your ass on that show Intervention or maybe into that Dr. Drew Pinsky rehab clinic show.
In the meantime, you might wanna get some of those strips that you can dip into your food so you can check the ph levels for poisonous substances, and also probably you shouldn't drive your car or like leave your bedroom door unlocked...like e-v-e-r.
But you're gonna be OK, Katie!
(God, I hope so).
Hang in there grrl!,
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dear Lynne Spears, **
Here's what I know about parenting:
1. Don't let babies ride motorcycles
2. Frosting is not one of the five major food groups
3. youporn.com is NSFS
And, that's it.
But, like obvies I'm still already way ahead of your ass.
I believe the children r our future,
Based on a rash of recent google searches, I thought you should know that there are a whole hell of a lot of people out there who want to fuck you...mostly in the ass.
Like, a lot.
According to my stats program, here's some of the winners that the dearfamousasshole.blogspot.com net has reeled in from the interewebs over the past seven days:
*jennifer lopez fuck in movie
I think we all know the answer to that one Mr. iphost-088-012.merlin.mb.ca (Merlin)!!
Anyway, do with this info what you will, but I just wanted you to know that in NO WAY WHATSOEVER am I taking any sort of advantage of all the J LO fuck, ass, J Lo assfucker, J Lo fuck me in the ass, will you fuck me right now J Lo, pretty please freaks that are out there searching for new and exciting ways to fuck you right in your ass!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
In an ironic twist of fate, yesterday was ACTUALLY Heidi's for realz bday. And to celebrate, the producers of The Hills threw a totally fake party for some douche-tastic Maroon Five ripoff band called The White Tie Affair....but Heidi wasn't even invited!
This is after we had an entire ep about Audrina's bday...AND an entire ep about ShePratt's bday...and even an entire fucking ep about Brody's birthday! (or was it Frankie..whatev, you catch my drift).
The majority of tonight's action centered around this fake party:
*First Audrina got some fake responsibility when she was tasked with inviting 250 hiptards to this fake non-event.
*Then Lo and Lauren (and ShePratt) faked their own interest in attending the fake party.
*JustinBobby faked giving a shit about Audrina when he agreed to meet her ass at the fake party.
*Then White Tie faked a killer performance for a real crowd of totally disinterested people at their fake party.
*The party crowd faked giving a shit about White Tie as 10 particularly ambitious crowd members actually threw their hands in the air and waved 'em around like they just didn't care.
*Then LC, Lo and ShePratt faked actually enjoying themselves and faked being proud of Audrina for finally, kind of accomplishing something...even if that something was pretending to put together a totally fake party.
*Then JustinBobby didn't show, which obvies means his love for Audrina = totally and completely fake.
Our "B" story (and by "B" I mean totally fucking boring) involved Heidi's sister Holly taking a page out of the Stephanie Pratt Guide 2 Life and inviting her out to lunch for a little grrrl talk.
Again we're treated to a deep and meaningful conversation about best friends when Heidi relays her friendship heartbreak woes to some bitch she works with...cause like it's really, really hard to lose a best friend. And like its just all so sad when one minute you have a best friend, and then there's a little bit of fighting, but there were still like years and years of best friendedness. And like where do all of those best friend feelings go?
Sidenote Heid: lose that beret...you look like Blair Waldorf threw up all over you.
I'm happy to confirm that Spencer Pratt's screentime has been reduced to approx :30 per ep.
I'm pretty positive this is the director's one and only note for Spence: "can you give me waaay more douche, dude?" Of course he fuckin delivers week after week after week...what a champ.
It looks like next week, the Pratt camp house of cards comes a tumblin down when ShePratt shows her true colors and tries to steal that guy with the private jet who LC dumped and totally doesn't give a shit about...unless/until one of her other friends does. Then she cares a LOT.
Say goodbye to yet another best friend, Lauren.
Oh. My Gaaah.
the rest is still unwritten,
Monday, September 15, 2008
Is The World Coming To An End Simply Becuz I'm Now Getting Political Advice From Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson? You Decide
Dear Everyone, ***
Well, its done.
I'm standing right in the middle of the fucking place that I never thought I'd be.
I'm actually suggesting that you all hop on over to myspace to take a look at the wise words of LezLo and SamRo regarding the upcoming election, that insane in the membrane cand that McYou'vegottabefuckingkiddingme picked, and the future of our country as we know it.
And I'm kinda serious.
This makes me feel both giddy and nauseous.
Now, if you'll excuse me I've go to go watch my 401k disappear faster than Willow Palin's virginity.
Dear Lynesia (aka Slut on a stick), ***
It's Bristol, bitch.
I knew it was just a matter of time B4 you'd open up your big slutty mouth just like you did evereetime Levi asked you for a BJ (way back when before he realized that I was like a way better
slut catch than your ass).
Well, surprise surprise...now you're tellin everyone who will listen that I stole my BFF's BF.
Stupid slut whore.
I can't believe I ever let your scrawny ass be my BFF...Like you deserve ME!?
Well, I've got some news for you: Bristol Ashleigh Crystal Palin is NOT gonna take this lyin' down, bia.
Now that my mamz is fixin to win this whole fucking election for McOldy, looks like your slutty ass is lookin to cash in and steal some of my spotlight.
I mean, how dare you go out there and start spreading rumors about me-n-Levi!?
The truth of the matter is, we had sumthin going on long before u knew which way was up becuz I KNOW how to keeps a man. And like obvies Levi thinks I got it goin' on way more than he ever thought you did, cuz he never wanted to have a baby wiht you!!!
I'm not sayin he wanted to have one with me neether from the get go, but like after my mamz took down the gun from the rack and had that "talk" with him in the backyard right before my dad gave him a bloody nose, he was like VERY into it.
And now we're gettin' married! So there!
I win, you trashy, loud-mouthed skank.
And yeah, maybe I used to talk to your ass a lot about how you and Levi weren't really a good match....and maybe I was already sneaking out with him for a "seven minutes in heaven" sesh here or there during a school night kegger, but like so the fuck what! We had a connection that went way, way deep and when push came to shove (I'd like to shove your slutty face right into the fucking ground, you SLUT!), I realized that I needed to decide between a stupid lil tramp like yourself and a hockey God hottie like Levi...not zactly a tough one.
So here's how this shit is gonna work: you're gonna crawl back into the pathetic lil' hole your little slutty ass slutness came of, you're gonna keep your caribou hole shut the fuck up tightly and you're gonna go back to your lame ass little life being a Wasilla High dance troop groupie wannabe.
You can hang all the fuckin' pictures of me and Levi you want up in your pathetic slutfest of a little bedroom if you need to remind yourself of the hellfire that will be rained down upon you if you deviate from this plan, but you will never...and I mean NEVER dare to say my name or Levi's name again out loud.
Do NOT fuck with me LyLy, cuz you do not even know what sort of fire I like to play with nowadays (think: meth labs and ritual burnings).
Slutty, slut, slut, sluTT!
me (Bristol Ashleigh Crystal Palin)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Dear Sarah Palin, *
News flash: It's NUKE-LEE-UR, not NUKE-YA-LUR.
Say it with me slowly now: n-u-c-l-e-a-r.
I caught your little interview with Charles Gibson last night, and threw up in my mouth when I heard you mangle this shit up (yet again!).
If you fuck this up one more time, I'm gonna hunt you down like a big, fat, juicy caribou.
Stop taking vocab lessons from President
lick my Bush and get your self some motherfucking flashcards.
"I" before "E," except after "C"(u next Tuesday),
Dear Everyone, ***
In case any of your dumbass friends give you shit for reading gossip blogs, b/c:
*"what's the point?"
*"it's a waste of time"
*"don't you have anything better to do?"
*"don't you care about the real news?"
Tell those losers to eff off.
Then direct their asses to this: one of the most astute and concise analyses I've read in the past few weeks about Why It Doesn't Matter That Sarah Palin's an Idiot.
The ideas in this short piece are well formed, eye-opening and absolutely terrifying...b/c they are right the fuck on.
And guess what? It was written by a gossip blogger.
"So, if you don't know, now ya know nigga."
Rock on, Beet!
Dear Sienna Miller, *
So based on these pics of you throwing a tantrum with the paparazzi that would put Veruca Salt to shame, I'm thinking you are maybe a little confused about how this whole celebrity whore thing works.
No worries, though!---That's what we're all here for!
Here's the scoop: When you fuck a rich, famous married guy and go cavorting on the beach in Italy naked with him and let him grab your tits in front of the entire free world while said wife is stuck at home with their FOUR CHILDREN, there's going to be some interest from the media.
And people may spray paint "slut" onto your house.
Or call you "Slutty-iena."
But the one thing you can FOR SURE count on, is that the paparazzi are gonna wanna take your pic way more than they ever did before. This I can tell you with 100% certainty.
So, like what's the fucking problem here?
I find it hard to believe that someone who was all about privacy would be cavorting naked with Balthazar Getty on a beach in the first place, so how come you're so shy all the sudden?
Ditch the dramz, Sienna. Everyone already hates your ass with the fire of a thousand burning hot suns, and now you're just making shit way worse.
Buy yourself a puppy.
Puppy's R cute. It might help (jus sayin).
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Now that your ass is in jail, you're not gonna be able to blog! Like, at all!
So, I can FINALLY catch up on my Kanye Universe City dot com feed (804 ITEMS, SON!)
This rules...thank you sooo much!
(Can you give me like a week or so? I've gots to catch up on six eps of I Want To Work for Diddy 2 nite, and Poprah is on fire!).
freedom tastes oh so good,
Today's the day!!
T-dawg is IRAQ bound!
I'm gunna miss you dude...especially now that things are FUBAR around here.
WTF with all this internet chatter about you? S'like people need to srsly chillax and shut their motherfuckin caribou holes.
Don't any of these stupid reporter homos have Grand Theft Auto or Guitar Hero (RAAAAWWWWK!!!!) to keep busy with, instead of bustin a gut about a lil innocent teenage partying?
It's kinda cool that we're gettin all legendary and shit, but come on.
It's bad enough that your little slut of a sister has practically disbanded teh entire Wasilla Pussy Posse with her baby mama announcement. You have no idea what's going on here dude. Bitches aren't puttin out...whining about condoms-n-shit...flashing purity rings...its like the first couple weeks of bible camp before everyone starts getting all whore-y.
Levi is totally wrecked since the convention...gettin drunk/high/blitzed every night and driving his little dirt bike into all sorts of random shit.
Last night he came up with this crazy idea that he was gonna get the entire state of Alaska to sign a petition that no one can get married till the age of 21...and then he was gonna use that as his "Bristol Palin excape hatch." He borrowed Lutz's laptop and typed the whole thing up and everything. Then he showed his dad, and he fuckin clocked him (Ha!).
The dude is fucked...just totally fuk't now.
I feel kinda bad for him, but then I think FUCK THAT SHIT. That whiny dick deserves every single last lick after prancin around town like he done for so long. And now everyone is talkin bout how hott he is! HA! I'm HOTT! Ur Hott! (I mean, like not in that way but you know...Levi man!?).
And now he's gonna be your bro-in-law!?
It reely sux here dood, so you're kinda lucky you're leavin. This place is like a fucking 3 car circus now with all the reporters and shit. You can't even take a piss on the side of your own house without fucking Anderson Coopit or whatever in your face with a fucking camera and a fucking dick ruler (THEY DON'T MAKE EM BIG ENOUGH FOR ME! OH SNAP!).
I've been out of weed since last Tuesday, and now that all this crap about u and ur mamz and that friend of your dad's she fucked is coming out, its like impossible to have ANY fun around here. Kirk, Colby and me are gonna drive up to Anchorage this weekend and see if we can at least score some Oxy or Meth or something. Whole fucking state is dried up. Ur probs gonna get WAY better shit in Iraq!
Anyway, good luck! I know your ass is shipping out today.
You had to do it dude...there was just no choice. Just keep praying all the stupid people in this stupid fucking country elect McOldy and your mom and then you can come straight back to dodge the day after the election.
In the meantime, fuck shit up! KILL some Iraqis!!!
(Beau Diggity Dawg) M.E.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dear Elisabeth Hasselbeck, *
For the love of all that is holy and pure, won't you PUH-LEEZ, once and for all, SHUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FACE UP!?
I would agree to wear a purity ring for the rest of my life, if you said yes.
I've noted the following and judged accordingly: how the tone of your voice morphs into that of 14-year-old pre-pubescent teenaged boy; your feeble, pathetic attempt at humor (you cannot do funny, Liz...at ALL); and that shit-eating, self-important smirk of yours.
And here's what I've come up with: Goddammit, you're an annoying bitch!
Dear Josh Peck, ***
So, I'm in my thirties...and married.
And like I am fully aware that I have absolutely no fucking business developing an insane crush on a 21-year-old Nickelodeon tween heartthrob.
Holy. Freakin. Hotness.
I mean, after seeing The Wackness (and that freakin shower scene! Gah!) I was already primed to hang posters off your ass all over my motherfucking bedroom.
And because I'm kinda falling madly in love you with you, I decided I needed to go go gadget google, and learn as much about you as I possibly could.
So I found this youtube video of your appearance on Jimmy Kimmel after The Wackness premiered. And now I'm just fucking w-r-e-c-k-e-d.
Like, I want to do things to you that are illegal in 49 states. Very, very bad things.
(must. take. cold. cougar. shower).
I mean: you're gorgeous...and funny...and adorable...and I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT.
I kinda "wanna be your official girl."
Like, a lot.
Also, I'm now SERIOUSLY pissed at Olivia Thirlby's character in the movie for not immediately and hopelessly falling in love with you...like I have [HARD].
"I look at the dopeness, and you...you just look at the wackness," I mean, hello!?
I'm pretty much ready to break me off a piece of ur brand of cougar drumstick anywhere, anytime, Joshycakes.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
Ok, so I caught up on this ep and though I covered most of it in last night's recap, I have a few choice thoughts to share.
- I think my fave scene all season HAD to be when Spencer got into his car, drove over to Heidi's place of employment, called her ass on his celly, made her march her ass downstairs to the parking lot, and then proceeded to whine and complain to her about how her sister erased 3 ENTIRE shows of his off of Tivo! FUCKING TIVO! L-o-v-e-d that shit like a fat kid loves cake. Rawk on with yo bad self, Spence. Gawd do they have an awesome relationship.
- Brody made She Pratt cry! AWESOME!
- LC broke up with a dude with a private fucking jet!?
Dear Everyone, ***
First of all, I suck.
In all of the buzz about Russell Brand, Britney, the not-to-be-missed VMA's, blah, blah, blah, not once did I see an ad for the super secret pre-VMA Hills ep...WTF, people??
And so I missed the whole fuckin thing.
Tivo has been set and I will catch up, but as of now I'm relying on my 3 minute "Last week on the Hills" recap at the beginning of the show.
And surprise surprise, nothing fucking happened. Except that LC and Lo, bored with the LA setting of their ongoing Audrina tension, decided to switch it up and move the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of it all to Vegas. Cuil!
First off, my hat's off to Lady Gaga's PR people. I don't know a fucking thing about this woman, but after enduring her painful presence on an ep of So You Think You Can Dance this summer in which she was wearing a very high cut leotard, here she is again on the motherfucking Hills. Bravo people...for reals.
My continually evolving hatred for Spencer and wish for harm upon him and his family is prompting me to think I might need to be in therapy. Srsly...its gotten that bad.
Like the passive/agressive douchetard that he is, he somehow manipulates Heidi's sister Holly into asking him about Heidi's feelings and then tells the (admittedly) dumbass ho that Heidi is just sittin around all day talking about how she wants her to move out of their apt. Mind you this is after approximately 48 hours of co-habitation.
Holly then storms her ass out of there and when Heidi comes home wondering where dear ole sis is, Spencer acts like he has no fucking clue. Like that shit never even happened.
But because this show is fake, fake, fake, obvies Heidi knows that something happened and so she proceeds to have the ONLY sort of interaction she and Spencer have with one another these days: a fight.
Elsewhere in the land of la, LC is still just wrecked over the state of affairs with her former (but maybe still if she can rescue things) BFF Audrina [FYI, its REALLY HARD to lose a best friend, people, and LC knows this all too well from her first-hand experience with Heidi].
Despite the fact that the producers forced Lauren to be friends with Audrina way back when becuz she was hott, and liked to prance around in bikinis, and that's how it works on The Hills, it doesn't mean that she has not since developed real and true BFF feelings for the bitch. And that shit hurts when its not right.
I mean, if you take the second "F" out of "BFF" you may as well just be an "F," and like what the fuck is the point of that??
So after a build-up that was so tension-filled I was unsure if Jack Bauer was gonna jump his ass out from LC's closet, these two bitches FINALLY have a heart-to-heart and talk shit out.
Of course Audrina ends up looking like the biggest moron to ever hit my flatscreen...and of course there is crying...and of course no one is wearing waterproof mascara, BUT LC and Audrina call a detente and everyone is now BFF Again!!! (except Lo and Audrina who still hate each other and will forever).
As Whitney says, "Yay!"
In other news:
*Lo's still rockin' her side part
*Frankie, Brody & Doug went to "casino jail" in Vegas
*Whit is getting more responsibility at work from Kelly Cutrone
*And I still want to cut myself for tuning into this motherfucking show every week
the rest is still unwritten,
Dear Jordin, **
Many thanks for your lecture on teen purity and abstinence during Sunday night's VMA awards.
I wasn't aware that "purity rings" were as cool as tats or Aderall these days, but I'm old and married, so what the fuck do I know. If the JoBros are wearing em, I guess they're pretty fucking popular.
It was sorta rad that you were standing up for yourself and shouting the "not everybody wants to be a slut" message from the rooftops...except that, mostly everyone does.
Case in point: Britney Spears mamz has a book coming out in a couple of weeks that, among other things details the following:
While Brit Brit was prancing around town wearing her chastity belt back in the day and singing the praises of virginity, she was also busy fucking the captain of the HS football team as he snorted coke off her abdomen in the back of her private jet. Or some shit like that...you get the picture.
Oh, and also...I'm guessing that abstinence and purity rings are totes the birth control method of choice for VPilf Sarah Palin-n-her brood. She and her God-lovin community probs worked so hard to instill the principles of a chaste lifestyle in her daughter Bristol, and like obvies that worked like a fucking charm.
You're a totally cute girl, Jordin and also a great singer, so I will not for one hot minute participate in any discussion of how wide your ass is, however, I'm also feeling like you should just shut the eff up about this whole purity ring thing.
Here's why: purity rings are fucking retarded.
I def don't want to know what's going on in the lives of most teens b/c I probably couldn't handle it, but my guess is that 98% of them could name at least 5 kama sutra poses more easily than they could 5 U.S. Presidents. We can dance around that shit all day and night if you'd like (to a fucking Jonas Bros album even), but its not gonna change the facts. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying it is what it is.
Now, I was NOT a two bit whore myself at the age of 15....BUT, I also didn't need to wear a fucking purity ring in order to advertise this fact to the world at large. Why is that anyone's business? WTF does a purity ring even mean?? And sidenote: why does every fucking aspect of what we say and do in our society need an accompanying material expression? Does every goddammed thing we say need a friggin exclamation point??!!
I'll tell you something else: If I WAS a two bit whore at the age of 15, you can bet your ass I'd throw one of those suckers on my finger tout de suite just to get my parents off my own slut scent. In fact, I would even venture to guess that all those mofos wearing purity rings at this very minute are at least twice as slutty as all the bitches who don't wear them. These are probably the nastiest, skankiest, freakiest of all the High School whores.
Hence, the utter ridiculousness of all of this purity ring bullshit.
Purity rings are just about the stupidest fucking invention I've ever heard of. And If I ever see anyone wearing one (JoBro or no), I might not be able to stop myself from punching the offending idiot directly in the face on principle alone.
I really don't give a shit if you're a slut or not...that's your issue But if you think you're going to convey the fact that you are chaste to me with a fucking purity ring instead of your own actions...and your own words...and your own outfits...than you're way stupider than all of Sanjaya's hairdos.
Girls just wanna have fun,
p.s. Russell Brand was a complete disaster, but this purity ring crap had nothing to do with it.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dear Brit, ***
I kind a feel a little bit like I did after that Gossip Girl ep last year when we found out that Serena totally did NOT kill anyone. Cause she made it seem like she did and everyone was acting like she did. And the CW built a whole ad campaign around the fact that she was maybe, probably, totally a murderer.
But she really didn't kill anyone...like, not even close.
And after the whole build up slash excitement over the announcement that you were opening the 2008 VMA's, coupled with the memory of that complete and total meltdown you had in front of our eyes last year, and also that leaked video of you maybe rehearsing something special, I started to think that you were ready to seriously wreck shit up.
And I was soooo excited.
Like, REALLY excited.
But. Holy. Freakin. Letdown.
I mean that stuff with Jonah Hill was kinda funny, but the rest of your "not to be missed" opening was like wha??
And the fact that won you three awards...for basically just making a fool out of yourself last year...made zero sense.
And also, your dress looked trashy...and your weave looked like shit.
I mean, Brit....come the fuck on with your hair and your Contrampo Casuals wardrobe already.
I'm ready to love you again, Brit.
Why won't you let me??
You're [still] toxic-n-I'm slippin under f-a-s-t,
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Video: Britney's Back!
UPDATE: Dreams. Officially. Crushed.
Dear Brit, ***
This looks very much like a rehearsal.
For a performance.
Like a VMA performance.
(and you look hottt, and this song fucking rocks!)
Sooo, is it?? Eventhough you said you WEREN'T performing???
I'm dying...literally D-Y-I-N-G with anticipation.
Please, pleez, pleez, please, please, PUH-LEEZ don't fuck this up.
Sunday, September 7th: MTV VMA's @9pm. C U there.
If you build it, they will come,
Now Halle Berry And I TOTALLY Have Something To Talk About (Other Than My Girl Crush On Her, I Mean)
Dear Halle Berry, ***
Thanks for representin'...you rocked it out for me.
What an a-m-a-z-i-n-g show.
p.s. Here's my original "stand" which did end up getting edited a bit:
My mom, Marcia Goldstein really dug the Beatles...and Chinese food...and shopping at TJ Maxx. She was funny, fun-loving, and opinionated. She would have practiced "chocolate" as a religion if it were an option and she was addicted to reality TV. She loved her life and loved her husband and loved her kids, and everything was pretty great...until it wasn't. A back ache turned into Multiple Myeloma...which turned into two stem cell transplants...and then plasma cell leukemia...and then a funeral...and now she's gone. She was 55 years old. I miss her every single day, in every single way that you could ever miss someone..and I'm pretty sure that's never going to go away. But we can all work together to make cancer go away, right?...so let's.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Dear Everyone, ***
Tune in tonight to CBS, NBC or ABC at 8pm for the Stand Up 2 Cancer special.
Shit, tune into all three channels if you want...this shit's gonna be simulcast.
Change ur Facebook/Twitter status to: "Stand Up To Cancer" to show your support.
And don't forget to watch for my little snippet about my mom Marcia on the show.